Struggling again

[QuitinTime]

I'm depressed. I have a lot to be thankful for and yet I find my face in a wine glass almost every night. Last night no exception. Today skipped work - slightly hung over - functional could have gone but didn't want to deal with anyone.

It seems that I can go a day or two sometimes then I get cocky and want to drink which means at least one bottle of my favorite poison. My shrink suggests AA but I don't have the time for meetings and frankly am not excited about airing my addiction in public.

Ive been reading Alan Carr's book and it makes all the sense in the world - I have two copies of it - and have read it more than a few times but the magic isn't working and I still drink. THe problem is I'll write this note and feel this way now and in a couple of days forget the whole thing and buy the lie that I can handle this stuff....

Supps don't help me - in fact they make me feel funny so I don't take them - and Topo is not an option - in my line of work I'd be found out in a heartbeat with a scrip like that.

So whats a guy to do? Thanks for letting me vent - I'm going to go for a long walk today and try not to beat myself up any more.

[colbe]

Struggling again

Hey Quitintime,
I too am stuggling and failing. I was going to meetings and even if I came home and drank, the meeting were still helpful in ways I didn't realize. You don't have to talk, you can just listen. I thought it would be a bunch of whiners but it wasn't. I have all the tools I need to get my a$$ in gear, but I am not doing it. My point is, Ggive the meetings a try...nothing to lose, right? I didn't have "time" for meetings either, but I had time to get drunk every night. Good luck

[namaste]

Struggling again

HI Quitintime,
Taking a walk is a good idea. You are definitely not alone so just keep coming back and posting notes..it may not seem like it helps, but if you do it enough, and read a few post by others, eventually the pull to take another step, or to try something different will keep moving you in the right direction. I've been through this process several times over many years and I have to be reminded of the basics...for me, some things help, some things don't. It helps to just show up here everyday and talk about it, get honest about it. So, maybe I haven't quit drinking yet, but over the course of a few weeks, my consumption has gone down by half.

How long did you give the supps before you stopped? Did you experiment with when you took them, the time of day, etc.? I'm in that process right now. You might have to try 50 variations before you find something that works, but to me, it's the effort and the intention that can be very powerful..and you don't even know it because you might be focused on the magic solution..if that makes sense. Oh, and vent away..just getting that out of your system is good!

Just because it's a struggle doesn't mean you will fail. And just because you might fail this week, doesn't mean you will fail next week...for me, quitting drinking may not be an option some days, but quitting on myself or my life is never an option. I do know that over time, I have found that there have been many gifts within the struggle..on a spiritual level and in many more...so maybe forget about surrendering to the drink, but just surrender to the struggle for now.

Hang in there, you can do this, we are all doing it! Hope some of this makes sense, I know it sounds a bit like a ramble. apologies for that.
Namaste'

[TryingTina]

Struggling again

I am really struggling too. I need to stop completely. I am having stomach problems and know why. I would love to turn my life around starting today. Last night was a bad night.

[puddytat]

Struggling again

Hi Quits, yep, get it - got it. I joined an August 30-day thread here with the best of intentions and plans -- then kept falling, or rather tumbling off the wagon, getting back on with more withdrawal symptoms and solid intentions, then falling off dramatically and viciously. Feeling weak, sheepish as hell, and stupid. My goal for September is to keep posting, honestly about the struggles, just as you are posting. And, also, to keep trying. Think I'll add exercise, now that my knee injury is pretty-well healed.... that might help as many others have posted. (i.e. your walking! fresh air, oxygen to the cells, lungs, and spirit) Very much understand, Quittin' time.

[namaste]

Struggling again

start by being compassionate with yourself...the best support I've ever received has been from very wise teachers and they have always been very compassionate about this journey we are all on. It is very frustrating, but please resist the temptation to beat yourself up or dislike yourself. Do something nourishing and loving for yourself..take yourself for a walk, make yourself a good meal. Read an inspiring book or listen to soothing music...you need love and care, not punishment and self abuse. We do that enough when we drink.

[SKendall]

Struggling again

TryingTina, WELCOME! We've all been down this road. Namaste gives excellent advice. Don't beat yourselves up. Just keep posting and reading.

[QuitinTime]

Struggling again

Thanks. Hangover now in full bloom, it takes awhile to creep up on you. Really cannot do AA meetings. There aren't enough of them in my area and I'd be recognized where they are held - so much for anonymous. Also I take care of a very sick wife and can't be away anymore than I have to already (for things like work) - and yes I'm functional when imbibing - I don't drink when we do her meds and usually knock em down in the early evening before bed. Its stress relief time. I have an appt with the shrink this week and we'll talk about it somemore. I've got to figure out a schedule so I can do something in the evening instead of gulping (I almost said sipping) down 4 or 5 glasses.

As far as hanging around and posting - thanks - I'm going to. I'm trying to make some changes in my life for the better - one is to stop hanging around political boards ranting about stuff. I really need that serenity prayer to help me deal with the things I can deal with - not to worry about stuff I can't deal with and the wisdom to know the difference.

[Gold]

Struggling again

Hi QuitinTime,

I read the Alan Carr book too, it made perfect sense but always at the mind level and not at the deeper level necessary to actually change. Looking back though I am sure that it contributed positively even though it didn't provide me immediately with the result I wanted.

It must be stressful for you and your wife with her illness.

It's good that you are making some changes, what is it about politics that creates such passion, sometimes I think we give it more importance than it warrants.

I agree with Namaste compassion for yourself and your situation is essential.

[Gold]

Struggling again

Welcome tryingtina, you've taken the first step coming here and I hope we hear more from you.

[5thaday]

Struggling again

This pattern of drinking sounds like me to a tee. Try not to get discouraged. The reason you get 'cocky', as you put it, is simply that your addicted brain is incapable of remembering all the pain alcohol causes you. Your brain recalls the pleasure of intoxication, period. Once we realize this, thwarting the urge becomes much easier. Believe me, I'm not trying to trivialize your situation; it just really reminds me of my own tendencies over the past several years. I would resolve not to drink, but would feel so normal after 2 or 3 days that I would forget I had a problem, and then grab a bottle of something. Then, like you, I would find myself in a state of abject depression. That's the sneaky thing about drinking; it ALWAYS makes depression worse. I also can relate to your decision to quit drinking without supplements. It's definitely possible to do this, as I count myself as living proof. I was so frustrated with my drinking at times that I actually found myself matter-of-factly accepting that I'll likely send myself to an early grave from drinking. But much to my own surprise, I am now about to reach the 60 day AF marker, and honestly feel like it's getting easier with each passing week. In short, things don't always seem like they'll improve, but don't give up. It takes many, many falls off the horse sometimes to realize what this stuff does to us.

[TakeHeart]

Struggling again

Hi QuitInTime,

You are not alone. I am struggling as well. Thanks for the thread and as long as we don't give up, there is always hope!

I recently joined the 7.5 Pact on the Just Starting Out thread and caved in just a couple of days. SO embarrassed! Feel SO bad for not following through on my word!

Puddytat, thanks for your post on how you slipped on the 30 day abs. I feel so shameful I was contemplating either never posting again or getting a new screen name. Knowing I am not the only one to "break" a pact has given me the courage to come back.

Now....what to do with the 7.5 thread? Do I just not go back or do I have to post a confession?

[puddytat]

Struggling again

Hey, TakeHeart, I'm just encouraged and humbled and by the brave-hearts who DON'T DISAPPEAR, as I am by the ones who break through the barrier.

Know how you feel. I keep disappearing. All thru this summer I kept disappearing, while watching others succeed, and while watching others get-up, falter... get-up, falter... get-up, falter.

Am encouraged by everyone who braves to post thru all their trials and tribulations.

Thinking here of CINDERS - who has provided me with immense hope, or DOGGYGIRL, who struggled thru months on end, to emerge, as Cinders re-posted for us newbies, as a sort of Wonder-Woman of physical fitness.

I hope to post my successes, but even if I post my probs and (maybe) failures, maybe that will be enough to make someone say, "Geez, at least I'm not as bad as HER!!"

It's safe here to keep on keepin' on, TakeHeart. Keep on .. ok?

[puddytat]

Struggling again

P.S. TakeHeart,
I'd suggest posting a confession to 7.5 day thread.
But, it is your choice. (Some, like me, just simply disappear from their threads ... not recommended. Really not.)

Just cut yourself some slack that you're trying, .... keep trying to engage.

[Doggygirl]

Struggling again

Hi Quitintime and also Tryingtina (welcome) and hello to anyone else who is struggling. Getting free of this addiction is not easy, that's for sure. Otherwise there would be no reason for this web site, right?

I love the serenity prayer. I was one to be constantly worried about a future of my own making in my own head. So that helps me greatly.

I also remember some words of advice I read around here - if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you got. (or...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results). If what you are doing to get sober isn't working, then it's time to try something else.

I can't believe I'm about to say this because for many, many many years I would tell you to shoot me before ever suggesting AA to me. But here I am - now a regular meeting goer and happy to be doing that. But it's not right for everyone. I think there are some on-line AA meeting options if going out to meetings is the main barrier. There is also a program called SMART Recovery that offers a non-AA program and also chat and PalTalk meetings. I sort of like the PalTalk thing - it's a little more personal when you can hear people rather than just read the typing. SMART Recovery? Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions

Just a couple of different ideas to try.

Freedom is worth whatever you have to do to get it. BTW I can relate to the depression. I was regularly considering suicide (seriously) before I finally managed to quit drinking. There is no question that for me, the booze was the major contributing factor to my depression. I think back on that now, and can't believe I was living that way. I was DRUNK on a daily basis and did that for many many years. If I can quit, never give up hope because so can you.

Strength and hope,

DG