no subject. nothing left.

[ChickenNumber3]

no subject. nothing left.

Hi Colbe!

Can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now! My girls are my life too and I'm pretty sure I would be in the same place you are right now if that happened to me!

Just wanted to say though..that once you take the final step..you can't undo it.....no making amends...no healing.....no moving on.....just 'a long time dead'.Nothing achieved by it except to cause pain to alot of people! Even though she says she hates you...just from reading these forums and hearing other stories, the loss of a parent, even if relationships are bad, only brings alot of problems for the child in the long run.
So if you can't think about yourself...then think about her.....hurting her this much could do so much damage.....do you really want to do that to the life you created?

For yourself.......the easiest way is to not feel right..to take away the pain, but pain means you're alive and you don't get another go at this! This is it..this is your time....once done it is done! It's okay to feel hurt, to grieve, to even get angry and feel hate for certain people...let yourself, move with it and through it!

Life is never constant.....it is in perpetual change....and you are too and the ones you love!

Keep talking Colbe!
Chicken

[colbe]

no subject. nothing left.

ChickenNumber3;718501 wrote: Hi Colbe!

Can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now! My girls are my life too and I'm pretty sure I would be in the same place you are right now if that happened to me!

Just wanted to say though..that once you take the final step..you can't undo it.....no making amends...no healing.....no moving on.....just 'a long time dead'.Nothing achieved by it except to cause pain to alot of people! Even though she says she hates you...just from reading these forums and hearing other stories, the loss of a parent, even if relationships are bad, only brings alot of problems for the child in the long run.
So if you can't think about yourself...then think about her.....hurting her this much could do so much damage.....do you really want to do that to the life you created?

For yourself.......the easiest way is to not feel right..to take away the pain, but pain means you're alive and you don't get another go at this! This is it..this is your time....once done it is done! It's okay to feel hurt, to grieve, to even get angry and feel hate for certain people...let yourself, move with it and through it!

Life is never constant.....it is in perpetual change....and you are too and the ones you love!

Keep talking Colbe!
Chicken

My girls voice message says "I like Chicken Noodle", she is such a weirdo...like me. I love her, I miss her terrably. I just can't see going on with out her. I know she is 13 and all teenager-screwed up like the rest, but THAT IS MY GIRL. I do understand that I am being selfish to end this, but in a way I really don't care anymore. Go on living with constant pain, unable to hold a job (I DO have the cabability to use my skills to make money), just too depressed.

[colbe]

no subject. nothing left.

savon19;718487 wrote: Are you able to talk to your daughter? How old is she?

I hope things work out. Sometimes it just takes... TIME. Hang in there.

Perhaps you don't remember me Savon. I am the person that you PMed me and told me that everyone thought I was an a$$. I still have your PM if you would like me to post it back to you. I have NEVER met anyone here at MWO that kicked me when I was down...except you. Get off my thred.

[beautifulred]

no subject. nothing left.

Chicken.....WOW, you really said a mouthful.

Colbe.......REREAD what Chicken just posted...and then reread it again and again until you see what the message is.....this is your only chance...and you are your daughters only mother.....

REREAD Chickens post colbe then, get some sleep, wake up sober and do what you need to do to get your girl back.......DO NOT GIVE UP!

[universal]

no subject. nothing left.

Colbe - ignore what you don't need to read, and see what you need to see. I'm here girl, call if you need to.

[colbe]

no subject. nothing left.

beautifulred;718515 wrote: Chicken.....WOW, you really said a mouthful.

Colbe.......REREAD what Chicken just posted...and then reread it again and again until you see what the message is.....this is your only chance...and you are your daughters only mother.....

REREAD Chickens post colbe then, get some sleep, wake up sober and do what you need to do to get your girl back.......DO NOT GIVE UP!

I did, I DID re-read it over and over. Just made me cry more. I do know the difference between reality and severe depression...I am the latter. I have been drinking (not drunk...just an all day slow thing) and sleeping since 5am. This is depression. I don't even have money for anymore beer...if you guys want to lend me money for beer, just PM me and I will give you my address.

Trying to keep my humor, no attacks please.

[nancy]

no subject. nothing left.

13 is a tough age.

chances are, she won't like things where she winds up either!

sit tight and wait for her to cool off and come back.

why did she do it through courts though? on what grounds?

anyway, you might not realize it as i didn't... but depression is partly a choice. you can learn to get healthier thinking patterns. once you decide to like/love yourself, it's like magic happens, depression is held at bay.

and of course physically, have you do everything to keep your neurotransmitters in order and that means steady blood sugar and no alcohol binges. easier said than done.

[Muddle]

no subject. nothing left.

Only someone who has been the complete despair and hopeless of deep depression can completely understand, and even they can't understand because everyone's situation is so different. I do know what it feels like to believe there is nothing left and life is too painful to endure. I wanted to get this to you quickly so won't say anything more for now. Please, hang in there! This is from the National website:

Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.
Call for yourself or someone you care about
Free and confidential
A network of more than 140 crisis centers nationwide
Available 24/7

[Guest]

no subject. nothing left.

colbe,
I almost feel, as I am still fighting the AF thing, I may not have the right to post.
I've been amazed at how suicidal I feel when I have been drinking. Not that I remember the thoughts, they usually come after one of my children is devastated over something I've said on the phone drinking I have no memory of.
I know how after a binge, suicidal notes show up. It takes forever for those thoughts to go away. I hate myself for what I said and how I hurt those I loved.
My grown daughter was always my best friend. I did not have a drinking problem during the time she grew up.
She told me several years ago about having replaced me with a co-worker around my age. I've never gotten over that. She needed me when I wasn't there for her.
But suicide is not the answer. It gives you no way to ever make it better.
At times still, I just want out of the pain, then, when I am many days sober, I realize, how do I want to be remembered?
It ends all hope. At the core, we all have some kind of hope. If you are not drinking, you know that.
I told my kids at about 10, you are going to hate me, I am your Mother, I am strict, (as I said, not drinking) but I will always be here. It's a natural right of passage for kids, they have to hate you , they have to become independent, to love you again. They need that to become themselves. As a child of drinking parents, you want free, but you also want their love more than you know how to put into words or thoughts.I know of course you are facing a very painful, out of your control situation. I guess I am just trying to say, all kids say that to their parents at some point, please don't let it take you down.
I remember writing on a closet wall at about 13, I hate my Mother. I did not want my kids to feel the guilt of hating me at that age. I wanted them to know, you'll go through this, it's natural, then we will be close again.
It's hard to lose them when they are married and have your loving grandchildren.
Just hang in there. She'll come back around. Prove yourself and she'll love you all the more for it!!
I'm sure she is missing you.
Don't take away her chance to show she loves you again, think of the pain she will feel the rest of her life!
We all have a purpose here, fulfill yours. I know how you feel, but just hold off. I know drinking is what puts me there, try not too. You know how vulnerable you are right now.
I so wish you all the best.
Been there, where life seems not worth it, but still here, to try and make amends. To show my kids and grandkids how much I love them.
PS. I know if you have skills, you will find a way to use them. You cannot give up.
Hey I tried about 4 years ago, not good what happens then! I knew I didn't need to be there!!! Where they take you , is not good!
Look into yourself now, in the end , no one saves us. Yes, this group of people cares, God cares if you are a believer, but in the end, it is up to us to make the changes. Don't drink, if you do, pick yourself up again and just repeat to yourself. It is up to me to change this. There are many years ahead, you and your daughter could share so much. Unless you take away that chance.
God bless you. I understand.

[colbe]

no subject. nothing left.

nancy;718525 wrote: 13 is a tough age.

chances are, she won't like things where she winds up either!

sit tight and wait for her to cool off and come back.

why did she do it through courts though? on what grounds?

anyway, you might not realize it as i didn't... but depression is partly a choice. you can learn to get healthier thinking patterns. once you decide to like/love yourself, it's like magic happens, depression is held at bay.

and of course physically, have you do everything to keep your neurotransmitters in order and that means steady blood sugar and no alcohol binges. easier said than done.

everything you siad...very true. The entire story isto complicated for me to type. thank you for reading my post and responding.

[Muddle]

no subject. nothing left.

This is the link to resources to the State shown in your profile.

Tennessee Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

I think it says things none of us can say as profoundly. Under the tab "There Are Few Words Which Can Comfort Suicidal Persons in Crisis, "Please Remember !! You can always kill yourself - L a t e r !! JUST DON'T DO IT now. Put it off - for another hour, another day. Give yourself a chance to get help. If you had cancer, or a heart attack, you would suffer then too - in a different way - but you would let it hurt till you could get well. If you can decide to let it hurt, without acting on the impulses for a little longer, Let yourself jump ahead in time, to the day when you are free from the pain and sorrow, and you will look back on the distant memory of how you almost died, but somehow you lived through it."

There are so many people who care, Colbe.

[Guest]

no subject. nothing left.

I spent so much time writing a response, which probably didn't help much.
Hey, not having money or a way to get more to drink, is the best thing right now. I can't tell you how many times that saved me.
Sleep, just go to bed.
Get some sleep. If you have nothing more to drink, best bet......get some sleep.
The darkest hour is just before dawn.......don't stay up reading posts. Give yourself a break, go to bed. Get some rest.
Sleep all day tomorrow if you can, and then with a new day and a new outlook, it will give promise.
If not.......I so hope you haven't found some other way to get something to drink, I know that is the crazy times for me, yes call those hotlines. I also live in TN and have called them. They are helpful.

Take care,.......I recommend sleep.

[Jandal]

no subject. nothing left.

Hi Colbe
So many people here have said some really amazing things and I really hope it's been of help to you. Your daughter does not hate you - she might hate the things you do, but she doesn't hate you, I promise you Colbe. Her brain is at that teenage stage where words are out of their mouth before they put their brain in gear. For her to use such a strong word as hate must mean she has very strong feelings about you but believe it or not, this is better than her being indifferent and not giving a rats arse at all.

If you really love her like you say, don't you dare give up on her. The "authorities" can be a bunch of interfering know-all arseholes who actually know jackshit, but if you give up, you're just letting them win. She has to be worth more than that, right? Turn that misery and sadness into getting angry about the situation and you go fight for her. I know at this time it seems like a mountain to climb, but I managed to climb that mountain on my own with two kids to fight for so if you have your husband by your side to support you, you will get there. Don't climb back into the booze cos you will need a clear head to deal with all of this. One step at a time and please come back and talk when you need to, even if its just to vent.
Big hugs XXX

[ChickenNumber3]

no subject. nothing left.

Colbe!
Like I said, I am not walking in your shoes, so I can't fully understand what you are experiencing...but I do suffer from depression and can understand how the mind/emotions turn us inside out!
Apologies if anything I said was painful for you!
Despite everything you are her mother and that is integral to us all! She won't know that yet of course,until she grows some more and maybe not until she has her own...but she will! In the end, we all come back to the beginning!!!
Thinking of you
Chicken

[bloggy]

no subject. nothing left.

My mother and I had a terrible relationship from when I was about 11 till I was around 17, then we began to get close. I was shocked when she told me that she had actually hated me during those years- I thought I was maybe a bit wayward but no worse than other kids.
I suppose if someone had asked I might have said I hated her at the time, too.

These days we are pretty close- we live in different countries but talk and email most days. Hang on in there Colbe, as others have said nothing is constant, it will all change for the better.