Hello I am an Alcoholic

[babo]

As alcoholics we find ourselves caught in the paradox of wanting to experience the time we have been granted in this world with the euphoric effects of alcohol yet knowing that there is a price payed living the lifestyle and its consequences emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I come to you all as a admitted alcoholic (27 years) and know that I compromise my quality of life overall by indulging, as I age I know my health risks increase and I will eventually fall prey to the ravages of this addiction. In my life I have stopped smoking pot, cigarettes, and cocaine but this demon is the toughest nut to crack. I have managed in the past to cut down to only drinking thurs, fri, sat, sun but seem to always return to the daily mood altering mind bending ritual as life's stresses enable the excuse. My strategy is to use the same stubborn attitude that allowed me to liberate myself from previous chemical dependencies, unfortunately the way I found my way out of those situations was with the help from my evil old friend alcohol I fear now I will need some thing even more powerful perhaps our modern day savior Obama. All kidding aside this is a scenario some face that is an obstacle and conundrum I find myself in and need as Hughy Lewis once said in one of his songs I NEED A NEW DRUG, I think if I am going to let some addiction kill me I WANT IT TO BE SOMETHING LIKE JOGGER'S HIGH CAUSING HEART FAILURE OR SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES SCLEROSIS OF THE LIVER OR COMMA CAR ACCIDENT.

[shirazgirl]

Hello I am an Alcoholic

Hi Babo and :welcome:

You are in good company. That's why we are all here, to share our learning experiences, wisdom and different ways we have learned to cope w/ our alcoholism. Many here do attend AA meetings but is a good alternative to people who do not want a 12 step program.

You said you need a new drug. I think most of us who have had any Alcohol Free time (AF) when you read the boards, find that sobriety is our new drug. Lifting the veil of shame and secrecy gives us a new profound sense of self. You will NOT miss the hangovers, obsessing and the despair that comes w/ this disease. The key is getting some AF time under your belt. I came here because this sight offers counseling on moderation. I started to cut down about a year ago and finally took the leap on 10/2. They recommend that you do 30 days AF to reprogram you brain. Well I did the 30 days and felt so amazing that I decided to do another 30. I think I will eventually convince myself to be AF but for the time being, I take all of this in manageable doses. The thoughts of being so unproductive and looking like a construction sight in the morning does not appeal to me. It actually scares me.

So, read the boards, ask for help when you need it. There are many people here who have had an impressive amount of time AF and I try to follow their lead.

Good luck and hope to see more of you around here!

[hippie37]

Hello I am an Alcoholic

Hi babo.

When I started to look at the fact that addiction was not about the substance and was something inside me rather than external I started to make some progress. I could become addicted to almost anything really because of that obsessive nature I have to want more. I used to think I was not that materialistic but I found out to my horror that I was probably more materialistic than most. I always needed more or something because I was never satisfied with what I had. One drink was never enough, one line was never enough, one pill was never enough etc etc. It all revolved around me and I expected the world to dance to the beat of my drum. So, when people used to say to me "you're replacing one addiction with another", I would simply say "I have addiction in me." My problem is not drink, drugs, sex, love, relationships, food, gambling etc. my problem is addiction and the external things were the solution to that problem; addiction.

I tried so many times trying to quit drink and drugs looking at the problem as being the substance and it never worked. For some, it does don't get me wrong, there are many people who get and stay sober addressing it this way but I'm not one of them.

I gave up certain drugs many years ago because I OD'd and my thinking was it was the drink that was the problem because I didn't usually binge on drugs as well, unless I'd started drinking. So I addressed the alcohol issue and for 4 months I stayed clean and sober. It only took one drink before I was back in the madness of it all and it took me to even darker places with some even darker drugs this time. The only way I was able to get sober and stay sober this time was to look deeply at my issues through an addiction treatment center here in Liverpool. I've been here at MWO for a few years and I've met some wonderful people on here and some I consider close friends. I had a lot of support here in the early days and it helped immensely to have that sense of belonging. But I need face to face accountability today with other addicts and for that I go to fellowship. I know a lot of people are against it, believe me I was probably one of the most anti 12 step people I know. Cult status, brainwashing and all that jazz! But the sense of belonging I have today with fellowship allows me to be that much more intimate with the world around me and with people and friends here too. I can get honest today without fear of upsetting anyone because I was a chronic people pleaser and always hated being thought bad of. I have conviction behind my beliefs today to know my intentions are good and come from a place of love and that I'm not trying to manipulate people or only let them see the side of me that I want them to see. I give myself freely to all here warts and all and that's not an easy thing to do sometimes. Because YES I do feel vulnerable at times sharing things about me on here but it's through that vulnerability that I get well. I've stopped trying to control everything in my life and everyone and let the world turn by itself for once. I've allowed myself to finally see that things I saw as weaknesses in a man are actually qualities and strengths to have. I don't feel weak when I get emotional because alcohol and drugs was a way of suppressing my real feelings. Today I let then flow whatever they are and deal with them healthily rather than turning to drink and drugs. Life is good for me with recovery in my life. But recovery and fellowship is NOT me life. I see it as a symbiosis, that I need recovery to live a full and productive life with love in my heart as without it I won't have a life.

Welcome and hope you'll stick around and tell us more.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[beautifulred]

Hello I am an Alcoholic

control

Hippie,
Your post really struck me....I saw ALOT of myself in it. Trying to control what we cant so we turn to AL to numb our failures. I really need to think about this. Thank you.

[rubywillow]

Hello I am an Alcoholic

You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive person. From one post, it's hard to tell much more, but you've heard from some of the wonderful survivors, people who have found their place, their peace, and unknown depths of strength. Some of my good friends here were addicts of every kind; they had lost everything, and almost their own souls. But there is hope, as long as you are alive and able to put cognitive thought into the process of recovering yourself. I hope you come back. Honestly, many don't. It's too hard to really act, for them, at this moment. Let's hope you're not one of them. Make the hardest move, and put your hands out, ASK for help, involve yourself in something, here or elsewhere. We cannot exist in isolation with our troubles, they will devour us. It's only by splitting them up, sharing them in a wide circle, that we can begin to lose what is tormenting us and find a better way to face the next day. And one day, we begin to actually look forward to it. Offering you my hand now, I'm Ruby.

[savon19]

Hello I am an Alcoholic

BABO - your post was.. eloquent. Showing that "alcoholics" are NOT brain dead!!!

That you conquered other addictions is Commendable! Please acknowledge that.

I am fighting both AL and CIGs. Cigs maybe being the Worst. If I had to choose... I think I would prefer to give cigs up the most. (Neck & neck!)

I have a feeling that you will give us ALL inspiration! Welcome aboard.