Why is this happening?

[stirly-girly]

Why is this happening?

My two cents worth

Hi Elm and welcome to MWO.
My name is Stirly and I'm new to MWO as well. I can't offer any professional advice. All I can say is listen to these experienced people who have answered your call for help. When I say experienced, I mean experienced in the life and trials of an addict who is trying to get sober or stay sober. It's all one step at a time, one day at a time.
First, don't fool yourself by thinking you aren't an addict if you don't drink all day. My drinking always starts after 8:30 pm. I have lunched and dinner-ed and party-ed all day long with people who were everything from non-drinkers to drunks and I never touched a drop til I got back to my house after the party. Then I would take a shot out of the bottle just to take the edge off (I told myself) and an hour later I would fall into bed semi-comatose after downing more than half the bottle - whiskey, vodka, whatever, as long as it did the job. I could never stop once I started.
You took your first big step by communicating with MWO now and good for you that you didn't wait another 24 years. Read the threads and posts on this site. I'm sure they will help you a lot.
No one is here to criticize you. We are all here to help and support each other in any way we can. As I've said before, at MWO you can hide your face behind your computer screen but you can bare your soul to both yourself and to others as a way to try and find your way out of the misery of alcohol addiction. Again, good for you for asking for advice now and not way down the road.
If you think you need medication to help you as crown86 suggests, please go to a doctor to get started on it.
I have discovered that there are many helping hands here at MWO. Hope you will find them too and get the help you need. Good luck to you.
Stirly....

[crown86]

Why is this happening?

John

I don't know if this will help you out but for me when I decided I have problem with alcohol was in september. I told my fiance she was right I have to quit. Trust me there was quite a bit of wacky crap that went prior to this..you can read my story in the "my story" section of the site. Lot's of bizzare drunken incedences where a normal person would be like WTF you dont have a problem? Then your nuts. I fought hearing the word alcholic. Like who you calling a skid row bum? I still wonder why I was so fucking stubborn about it all..man if I saw the light earlier I would have surely saved myself a lot of grief.

Anways, I decided I was going to quit cold turkey. I was primarliy a binge drinker. I could put it away. Some nights could be a fifth of whiskey with 15+ beers at home alone which I preffered because that kept me out of trouble in bars. At the bar it was always a beer in hand an constant shots. I didnt give damn if my friends were having shots or not. I was way done with the celabratory toasting bullshit. I wanted THAT buzz and shots and whiskey got me there fast. So I decide to quit and did for 30+ days. At first it was really not that hard. My friends were like aw come on have a couple..NOPE. My attitude was hey your not going to keep me out of hell or lose sleep over so I am sure your not gonna lose sleep wether I drink or not. I drank non alcoholic beers because I love the taste of beer and it's habit to have when doing whatever. I was out of town with a friend in Denver CO and the the urge hit me out of nowhere to drink. Man it was like a frieght train. We were in a bar and bang I went to town. My buddy after 4 hours was like come on lets go back to the hotel. I was like go ahead I 'll be back later. I stayed there till the bar shut. Then went back to the hotel shut the hotel bar down and then talked room service into more booze. During this I reached the black-out state and called my fiance told her I was drunk and then said I know your leaving and then called her every name in the book. She told me she never even opened her mouth. Yep after that she left tired of the empty promises.

At this point I thought man I really meant I was going to quit. To myself and God. Fuck everyonelse this was for me. I knew I had a problem when I couldn't keep a promise to myself. Prior to this quitting experience I played every game in the book. I am only going to drink beer. Never happened 15 beers later and I am like ok time for a shot. I am going to moderate my drinking..LOL NEVER happened. I could not imagine a life without alcohol even with all the hell it has caused.

Like you I wanted answers of the why part. I came to this site desperate to quit. For me AA was not going to be an option. I am by no means knocking the program I have family members and very good friends in the program and know it saved their lives. I love this site because everyone here is supportive and very opened minded with methods of recovery. I learned about the Sinclair Method here. I had the book The Cure for Alcoholism overnighted to me and read it front to back 3 times. I am definitly not a scientific personality...more entrepenuer. But I had to know the Why. I was VERY satisfied with the answers of what an alcoholic is in medical terms and man did it help in recognizing I am an alcoholic. In a nutshell my brain is wired differently than other people and by adding the booze and the amount of booze I opened pandoras box.

I know this method sounds nuts...LOL give an alcoholic booze? LOL. I was very desperate when I got to this site to quit and was VERY skeptical of this method because of the family and friends in AA and here in America abstinence is very much thought of as the only way. However, I knew if I went to AA I would still get those urges and craving like I did in Denver and I wanted that gone from my life. This is what TSM is suppose to do. I have read almost every post on their forum and have seen the progress with their members of being like me or worse and get to a point of abstinence or only having a couple of drinks per month. My goal with naltrexone is to get a point where alcohol does not matter in my life and plays no role good or bad. I am not there yet but the effects I have felt in the first 3 weeks are nothing short of a miracle for me. It has slashed my drinking to way more than half and I have not been out of control once. This has allowed to me to get my life back on track an get out of the hell on earth I was feeling. When I first saw this method I was like yeah baby I can still drink. But now my views have RADICALLY changed. If i end up abstinent..so be it. Which from what I gather based on the effect of naltrexone in the first 3 weeks is what I am inclined to think this is where the pill is going to take me and I am ok with that. It' so hard to describe what is going on in my mind on Naltrexone. I have had nights where I was bnound and determined to get banged-up drunk. I had two drinks and lost interest and didn't want to be drunk. As far as side effects I only had some of the worst insomnia in my life..LOL like I was a zombie. But to me insomnia versus the side efects of alcohol..liver disease, heart issues, wrecked relationships lovers family friends, sever depression,..I'll take the insomnia which has since gone away.

I am not trying to push this method on anyone, I am just trying to share my experience with it. My thing is whaterever works for a person to tame or kill the beast the method is awsome. My advice to you is find a method that works for you and dont let the bottle rule your world. It only get worse.

[greeneyes]

Why is this happening?

ElmGoodie;773299 wrote: Also, greeneyes, how long did it take until you woke up in the morning with an urge for a drink?

20 years maybe? It went from "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" to middle of the night, first thing AM, whenever. Dreadful. I cannot moderate. I have to be AF. And I'm loving it BTW! The freedom is awesome!

[ElmGoodie]

Why is this happening?

Wow, thank you all for all these amazing supporting posts. It's so heart-warming to read all your great comments regarding a common issue we all share. This is a very special moment for me because it is the first time I've been communicating with people who know what I'm going through.

I've had countless talks with people who are very close to me... It's always the same bullshit like "so why don't you just stop drinking?". Like, come on man, obviously if it was that easy for me, i'd stop. But it ain't. And all of you know. Addiction overrides all logic. Suddenly a persons common sense is pushed aside and only instant satisfaction plays a role.

Thank you! I think I'll stick around here, so happy I stumbled upon this site.

[hippie37]

Why is this happening?

Hi Elm

It was around your age that I attended my first AA meeting. Like most folks I ended up there not through choice but as a last resort. Who wants to admit to being an alcoholic at that young age? In all honesty I only wanted respite from the binging lifestyle that had put me in hospital due to amphetamine poisoning. My thinking at this point was that if I could control the alcohol I wouldn't want to do drugs. I only seemed to take drugs when I started drinking. After about 5 months merely existing and trying to control my non drinking I decided I was OK to have a few beers at a party. I spent the next 10 years in an even worse frame of mind doing things that went against all my morals and principles. I started binging and taking drugs I swore I would never touch. I hid behind a mask that I was just hedonistic but inside I had issues I never even knew I had because of my denial. Fear kept me in that state of denial for a long long time. I ended up having to go into treatment for addiction and I soon came to realise that addiction has nothing to do with the substances we use. They are not the problem, WE are. I never presumed to be materialistic in any way but I soon learned the true meaning of that word in relation to the addict. i was never happy or content with just being me. Even when I thought I'd found some happiness it was never enough, I always needed more. When people ask me today what my drug of choice is I reply "MORE". It baffles the hell out of em but it's not my intention to do so. I try to steer people in the direction away from the substance and look more closely at themselves. The substances are just the tip on the iceberg, but underneath the water there is a great mass of ice and that's where I found I needed to start chipping away at.

Never compare yourself to others either, because again that kept me in denial that I had a problem too. "I'm not as bad as him" "I only drink after midday" "I haven't sunk that low or been in prison" "I'm too young to be an alcoholic" "I haven't done this or that" etc etc. YOU are a person in your own right and this is about how YOU feel and is not about anybody else. Only you can qualify yourself if you think you're an addict and have a problem. I didn't want to accept it and spent years fighting the world and myself till finally I did something about it earlier this year. I'm coming up to 11 months sober and I spent my 39th birthday this year clean and sober for the first time in over 20 years. I didn't need an excuse to have a drink though, I used all kinds of manipulations internally and with people to rationalize and justify me having a drink. I was so obsessed with it that like some of said, as soon as my eyes were open I was thinking about ways and means to get drink and drugs that day. It only gets worse my friend not easier if you continue to lie to yourself. Honesty was something I didn't understand because I was so manipulative without even knowing it. There is a saying that goes.."You can't fix your problems with the same level of thinking that created them". How true I find this simple phrase. I tried to intellectualize and philosophize my way out of this and it just dug me deeper in my grave.

It's not an easy way out but the rewards of sobriety are so worth it when you're not just existing and you're really living and being all that you can be.

Welcome and I hope you find some peace.

Love and Light
Phil xx

[JackieClaire]

Why is this happening?

Welcome ,Elmwood.

Can't add much to what has already been said.

Just listen and read.

In 10 years time do you want to find the only time that you don't drink is when you're asleep?

J x

[UrbanFool]

Why is this happening?

Phil, what a great post!

And Crown... it's awesome to see you found the return key on your keyboard! LOL! Don't change a thing, you've come a long way.

[ElmGoodie]

Why is this happening?

While reading all this I get a phone call from a close friend telling me that he wants to go out clubbing tonight. I tell him that I've already drunken a fair amount and that I'm a bit too tired to leave my home tonight. His a advice was too take a short nap. I don't blame him, he has his own interests and is seeking a partner, but it is so awfully hard for me to turn him down. He knows I drink too much. He also knows that I have a tendency to get too drunk... so he advices me to sleep for a couple hours. Not that he's a bad friend - far from that, but it just makes me realize how much impact my surroundings have on my habits, and how little understanding my friends have of my problem.

[JackieClaire]

Why is this happening?

Hi again,

Perhaps time for a few little white lies,

medication,stomach flu, too hungover. Oldies but goodies at the start of you journey.

Best of luck.

J x

[stirly-girly]

Why is this happening?

Hi John,
Stirly here again.
Your friend cannot understand you unless he is an alcoholic himself and has admitted that he has a problem. The second part is the most important. There are a lot of people who are alcoholics but do not recognize the fact that they are because so many of the people around them are problem drinkers as well. It's hard to admit that you have a problem when your friend can drink as much as you can, but he can stop whenever he wants to and not always have to push it over the edge like you do. Crown86 expessed what I believe as well. Our brains are wired differently. How come my husband can drink 3 glasses of wine, stop there and until the alcohol wears off is just a slightly tipsy person acting silly for a few minutes while I have to keep on after the 3 glasses? Until I am unable to speak without slurring my words, forget what I want to say in mid-sentence and not able to look someone in the eye because my eyelids are too heavy and my gaze is totally blurred?
You've already taken two steps forward. One, contacting MWO and second, refusing your friend's invite to a night on the town. Better to stay home and read what the people here have written. Learn from their posts, John and get the help you need. Now while you're still young. JackieClaire gave you some good advice as well. Do you want to wake up in ten years knowing that the only time you don't drink is when you're asleep? I would add to that - or when you're passed out?
Good luck from me, also
Stirly

[crown86]

Why is this happening?

John

LOL my friend you know this as well as I do...drunks gravitate to drunks..LOL It's way more fun to drink with someone who isn't going to complain about your behavior, hang mostly drink for drink, is not going to want till leave till closing time and then mabey go home and bang a few more down. I love my fiance to death and spending time with her. But she is a non drinker really. I mean she is buzzed on like 3 beers and ready then to go home. I would much rather go to a bar with my hard drinking buddies...they are not going to tell me to stop or keep me in line for that matter and will want to stay till the end.

You sound like me when I was in my early 30's but you have one thing over me...you are starting to think you have an issue. If you said that to me in my early 30's I have a problem with alcohol I would have told you where to F***ing go. Man I hope you get a handle on it now because beleive me and I am SURE everyone here will tell you it gets a lot uglier down the road. I got the point I wouldn't go out..it was very rare. Why because I am handicapped? LOL nope just a raging drunk. I never have been to jail nor do I intend to to so driving a car the way I was drinking..no fucking way, people in the bar christ in my early 30's I was a dumb happy drunk now I am like a rattlesnake look at me wrong and I am ready to throw down...LOL I am by no means a small guy and in shape but with as drunk as I get you could blow on me and I will fall over. Then the depression...I alienated myself from the majority of my friends because it got to a point they were complaining how much I drink. So it became best to just stay home and get wrecked. Then the drunk dials start and I had to look at my phone the next day and listen to vm's to peice the night together.

I totally agree with you on your drinking friends. Just because they drink does not make them bad people. when my mother was sick and dying for two years at my house she had a sister and a brother both sober for many years like 30 years. The sister never came to visit once and her brother mabey 4-5 times in two years and they are very close in distance from my house. The drunks from my local watering hole came by about every week or 10 days to keep her company and see how I was doing. Cut them off because I am trying to get my life back on track? No fucking way but they have to respect where am I at in regards to booze. My good friends support it and really the guys I know the bar fly types dont give a damn one way or the other. Sober or drunk doesn't make a person good ar bad just sober or drunk.

[jessie]

Why is this happening?

Hi Elm,
Boredom and loneliness seem to be major triggers for many of us. Try and get to the root of your need to escape sobriety - can you stand being on your own with just yourself for company and doing something interesting - sober? The subject of ADD also comes up frequently. And someone once said in a post that many of us are very intelligent. Keep seeking untill you find your reason. I worry about the fact that you also do drugs. Is a time out in a rehab a possibility for you.
I'll be thinking of you.
PS. I'm old enough to be your mother and wasted far to many years. Good luck.