I'm so confused - can I moderate?

[agapanthus]

Sometimes I can and sometimes not. I never know when it will hit me that I don't, but it's too frequent. At all is too frequent. I feel self conscious if having dinner and everyone else is having wine and I say no thank you. I want to be normal but I guess I'm not. Is it really possible to fix my brain with hypnotherapy and supps? I get tired of doing it and think I'm ok and then I overdo it. Sorry I'm being a little redundant with respect to my earlier post. Moderating sometimes isn't enough. I have to be able to do it every time I drink, or I can't drink. That's what I keep telling myself. I lose motivation and think I don't need the tools, and then, sure enough, I screw up. I have resisted abstinence and maybe that's holding me back. I just don't like the idea of thinking that I can never drink again. I want to manage it. I really felt like I had turned a corner around Christmas and then I have had a couple of setbacks. It just can't happen again. I have a feeling a lot of you are going to say I should go AF and you are probably right. I hate that I bought beer thinking "I won't get carried away" but then I did.

[mario]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

bit confused by your post,do you want to moderate and cant ? or are you afraid to go abstainence ?

There is a very good moderating thread here, you could try going in there.but what i have learned from other people here is that you need to give your self maybe 30 days alcohol free,then sit back and see what choice you are going to make..good luck and keep posting your thoughts and feelings.

[agapanthus]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Sorry to be confusing - I am confused, too! I want to moderate but have had trouble doing so. I am hoping it is possible for me and afraid of the possibility that it might not be. I have been abstinent before, made it to 50 days once (except when I was pregnant, then I was abstinent) but when I tried to drink occasionally it escalated again. I didn't have a plan in place. I'm trying to construct one and getting sidetracked.

Thanks for your encuragement - I appreciate it.

[mario]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

hi agapanthus
you need to put a plan in place,you need to have your own goals and go for them, you have done it before so you know what to expect, At the end of the day agapanthus you yourself have to make the choice in what you really want to do.

[mario]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

This was posted by Iad to another member,maybe it will help..dont quit quitting...First of all stop drinking for at least 90 days. Take your meds.......Make sure that all the old booze is out of your system....Then you can experiment with partial drinking. You'll find out soon enough if your honest enough weather you can handle it or not ! IAD

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Hi Agapanthus, having followed that exact path in the last few months I would agree with what IAD and Mario have suggested. Good luck on your journey.

[KateH1]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

You know Agapanthus....I think you already know the answer to this question. According to most authorities, including Roberta Jewell author of the book, My Way Out....true moderating is not fighting with alcohol on a daily basis....winning some battles but loosing the war. Moderating is being able to take it or leave it. It is "Knowing" that you can have just one drink....or not. Most of us do not truly fit into this catagory. Yes, most of us come here and visit other places looking for a way to drink moderately.....we simply do not want to give it up. Addicts usually do not want to give up their vice, at least not until it wreaks such havoc on our lives that we simply must make the choice to stop or completely destroy our lives and perhaps even loose our lives.

I have personally experienced all of the above. I am now happily sober for quite a while and I can honestly say.....I no longer miss alcohol not its horrid affects on me and my life. Many here are doing the same. Trust your gut....you know what you need to do.

Best of Luck!

[agapanthus]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Thank you Kate - it is a tough thing to face. I have a lot to think about.

[JackieClaire]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Hi agapanthus,

I'm with mario,KT and Kate on this one.
I've tried many times to moderate my drinking.But then one drink led to two drinks to one bottle then two bottles. Wine was my choice of poison.

As many here I just don't have a stop button. Now I just don't press start.

Anyway for me going AF has taken so much pressure off the worrying and fretting about when,where or even how I was going to drink.

Best of luck to you whichever path you choose.

J x

:l

[agapanthus]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

I guess it would be better to use that brain space for something else...

[shirazgirl]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Hi Aga,
It's hard to control something that is out of control. The only true control we can have over al if it is a problem is to not embelish at all. For most of us who are choosing an AF life, it was much more work planning on how many drinks to have then to not drink at all.

As for passing on the wine at dinner. Don't feel funny. There are plenty of people who just choose not to drink. They have no problems with al, it's just something they choose not to do. If someone was smoking pot and passed it to me, I NEVER felt funny saying no. It was a clear choice for me as I was not interested at all in the way it made me feel. It's our alcoholic mind that tells us that we are standing out, that others are thinking maybe we have a problem and that's why we are not drinking. Honestly, unless you have clearly caused great distress in their lives they won't think about you passing on it at all.

I can only tell you that my life is so much better being sober. It is hard to let go and to think you would never have a drink again. That is why people do it in small incrimates, it is to overwhelming thinking about "forever". My advice is to try to go AF again. Give it a chance and evaluate how you feel after that time. If your life is clearly better, I think the writing is on the wall. Good luck to you and keep checking back here for advice.

[agapanthus]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Thank you, Shirazgirl. What was it that made you decide to go AF rather than trying to mod?

[agapanthus]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

Sorry, I guess that question doesn't make much sense, you pretty much already answered it! Thanks for all your support and wisdom.

[MauMcL]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

agapanthus;786109 wrote: Sorry, I guess that question doesn't make much sense, you pretty much already answered it! Thanks for all your support and wisdom.

You are not alone in this struggle. The biggest rationalization I used was, "Well either way it involves willpower. Whether I don't drink at all or I stop after a maximum of two-three..."

This was my way of thinking I could fit in with all the other people who a) maybe can "hold" their liquor better than me, or b) don't get guilty and sick from it like I do or c) just don't give a damn...

See my dilemma and one I suspect many who are trying to moderate face is that once we have that first drink in our system we have already lost "control" and "resolve." We have already been taken over by that substance that is simply "toxic" to our system.

I am 49. I wish I had quit sooner and saved myself 10 years of embarrassment, guilt, shame, self-hatred, and hangovers. My problem escalated over the last 10 years. I am going to listen to these people here...I believe in them because they believe in me w/o even knowing me. They are willing to have faith I can tap into my "Higher Power" or whatever you choose to call it to help me stop this vicious cycle once and for all.

I am on AF Day #5. I am going to a party this weekend and I AM NOT DRINKING. Social drinking is my biggest and actual my "only" problem (never ever drink alone, I love it as a social lubricant...Because actually I think I am really quite shy). If I can stick to this goal, you have no idea how jubilant I will be on Monday. It will be huge because my friends will wonder, "Hmmm. What's up with that? MauMcL is not drinking." I am not planning on making any scene over it other than to say I am just "cleansing" as part of my New Year's Resolutions

I am not ready to tell anyone because I am not sure yet exactly where this is taking me. I hope it is taking me to total sobriety. I have set my goal for 30 days. I am hoping to adjust it to 90 when I get to 30. Like I said, I want to give these kind people who are counselling me a chance to have their experience work on me...I think it will if I am open and committed.

Whew, that was a lot!

Love & Peace.

[mario]

I'm so confused - can I moderate?

just a quick thought maumcl,i dont know whether going to a party is a good idea,and you have said you dont want to tell anybody.if i was you i would try and give it a miss or have a plan in place to leave early.just a thought.odaat.