i don't know how to deal with this guilt

[dove]

Hi all,
haven't been here in a while but having a crisis i can't talk to anyone about. here goes... went to the gyno the other day and tested positive for a common and easily treatable std. i've been with my husband for 7 years and the doctor is telling me that there is no way i could have had this for 7 years and not been really sick and in a huge amount of pain. my husband says he hasn't cheated and i really believe him. he is truly a very good person and i really believe he hasn't. so now i am faced with the wonder and guilt of asking myself if i had sex with someone during a blackout and don't remember. oh my god i can't live with this guilt. i tested negative just before getting together with my husband so know it had to happen sometime in the last 7 years. according to the doctor i couldn't have had this for more than a year or so at the most because i would be in so much pain by now from secondary infection. i have known for a few years now that i have a drinking problem and this guilt is driving me crazy today. i can't talk to my husband because i don't want to hurt him by suggesting this is all my fault. i really don't want to go on living right now because i am feeling so guilty and have no one to talk to. please help by telling me how you have dealt with guilt like this if you have ever had anything like this happen.
thanks,
dove

[sisley]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

I feel for you little DOVE...but just focus on this thought..."Guilt" is such a wasted emotion.
You need to stop beating yourself up over this...FIRST of all take care of the infection..problem..get well and get out of pain physical and mental..If you did contact it after you got back w/your husband during a black out, well not much U can do about that...it was exactly that, a black out..the only way you can prevent it from happening again is to do what your doing now..dont drink..which will result in no more blackouts..right?? If you truly believe your husband hasnt fooled around and it was you who contacted this...well if it was ME I would not talk to my husband about it..and I would work harder than ever on my sobriety and treat what happened as a lesson learned..a HARD one, you can come here and talk, vent, express yourself.but Im sure you know, you'll hurt your husband, he probably will have a hard time TRUSTING you= So do yourself and your marriage a favor, handle it, pour your heart out here, and move on, keep it to yourself...dont tell your husband...and most of all...forgive yourself..forgive yourself..please..it was the alcohol, and you know that...so leave it at that and work on healing YOU...you deserve it...you'll be in my prayers..god bless....sisley

[Boss.man]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

With regard to the STD, it is good that it is treatable. From our message I assume you got treatment. Problem over. It is totally amazing to us now that just 100 years ago people died from things we can treat easily today. It is said that the entire US Revolution came about because England's King George III had syphilis and could not think right. Whether true or not, one wonders if penicillin existed in 1776 whether the US would not have broken from England.

So absent any further evidence, I'd suggest thanking the forces of modern medical technology for harnessing mold in a dish to conquer many common disease, and let the water go under the bridge. Stay vigilant in case there are further issues. Don't start upending stones unless you are ready to have some of them roll onto your foot.

[Gold]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

I think sisley and boss.man have spoken very wisely. Guilt is utterly pointless, it helps no-one and is destructive to you. Thank this situation for coming to you and waking you up, giving you the opportunity to choose sobriety over drinking and to value your marriage anew.

How it happened is irrelevant it is how you move forward that is important.

[Guest]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Hi Dove,

I'm all for writing this off as a huge mistake and moving on.

But, and I don't mean to be negative, could you have passed it to your husband? Does he need testing too?

Talk to us, Dove, about any bad feelings. Do you think a professional (counsellor) might help? Turn this into a massive learning curve.

Sending you strength,

Spam xx

[gyco]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

hi dove,now tht has to be one of the toughest questions or plead for help ive ever hurd,thousands of people,nt only women,date rape,blackout,im not a doctor,but here it goes,this is the real deal when it comes to misuse of a substance,i do feel for you,my dear it mt not of bean your fault at all,a family member of mine had the same kind of epesode,in there life,they didnt remember,there nt even sure if they were filmed or not,frikkin scary,sometimes its good to get councilling on some things,just for a difference of opinion,i also no some people havebeenhypmotized ,i wish you well,gyco

[hippie37]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Personally dove, I believe 'guilt' is what let's me know I've still got a conscience. I just don't let it take over me to the extent that I look to blame other people or myself for that matter. It's when guilt becomes a tool to start looking for blame that it becomes dangerous.

I felt quite guilty recently because I wasn't doing enough regarding the care of my mother after her heart operation. It gave me a reality check, if anything, and I realised I was too consumed in other areas of my life and was neglecting her care (or rather I was shifting it onto my brothers). This guilt was actually a positive for me because I was able to find more balance in my life. This meant I was making more time for my mother and releasing me of that initial guilt.

I think you can turn guilt into such a positive outcome in your life if you don't allow it to become the negative emotion we all see it as. If we stay in that negative mind-set of looking for blame rather than making a conscious decision to make positive changes then YES!, it's going to be VERY painful.

So turn this situation into a positive and don't wallow in the 'what if's' and 'buts'. As others have suggested move on from it knowing you're conscience has given you a lesson to learn from and hopefully you will be able to deal with other situations in the future more easily. Guilt will soon become a thing of the past when you learn wisely from these lessons. Like everything though it takes time. I'm sure I'll feel guilty in the future about a lot of things but the actions I take to rectify them will make life a lot easier in the long run.

Be gentle and loving to yourself and don't give yourself a hard time over this.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[mario]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Dove Guilt is, simply put, a wrong notion. Guilt is paralysing, destructive. You think you have done something you shouldn’t have; you hadn’t done something you should have.

Guilt is the false idea that you could have done better; that you had the power to choose. But if you look deeply into it, you will see that you were helpless.

There might still be tears and sadness, efforts at reparation might still be needed – but deep down inside, there will be a measure of peace, resting in the knowledge that you were not at fault.move on forward & forgive yourself first,then you can start forgiving others.

[jessie]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

:lHi Dove, this truly is heart rending, and I can't add anything to the wisdom in the other posts. It could have happened to me as well. No use burdening your husband. This is a huge wake up call about the devastation that alcohol can cause and a lesson we can all learn. I hope you get well very soon.

[Doggygirl]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Hi Dove. Boy, there are some really insightful posts here already! I guess my thought is a simple one (but maybe not easy).

We can't do anything to change the past other than learn from it. All we have is today, where we can do our best to do a better job, or we can waste yet another one drinking it away in guilt and self pity, and potentially a repeat of past mistakes.

Maybe this is all just a message that it's time to figure out how to stop the drinking?

As far as the past mistakes while drinking, I have made many amends with people I have hurt, and still have more to make. This process frees me from my past.

All the best to you. Onward and forward - that's the only direction we can go.

DG

[KateH1]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Hi Dove,
I can certainly understand why this has shaken you up. It does leave so many questions unanswered. Let's face it, those of us with drinking problems have a lot of unanswered questions, lost nights and questionable behavior, that are not a true part of our character when sober. IMO, this is no different. I agree with Doggiegirl it is time to take a very serious look at your drinking and begin the process of working on your drinking problem.

Hippies, post was spot on with my thoughts on guilt. I encourage you to read through this a few times and spend some time seriously thinking about how you want your future to look and what you need to do to create the life that you want.

Best Wishes to You,
Kate

[dove]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

Thanks all. My doctor gave me an extra prescription for my husband at the time she gave me mine bc she knows that he needs to be treated too. He has come to the conclusion that it came from a girl he dated before me 7 years ago. Everything I have read says that can't be true bc it doesn't last that long without you getting REALLY sick. There are many stories out there the same as mine though, even people married a long time with kids who swear they are faithful to each other and then come up positive. So...either there are a lot of people cheating who don't know it or this infection can really persist undetected for years and the doctors just don't know it. I guess even doctors don't know everything so maybe I should just believe that it was from that girl before...at least that puts me somewhat at ease.

My problem with guilt is that I know I should have done something different...then I wouldn't have been helpless...the guilt is really because I choose to be blacked out sometimes, not because of what I did or didn't do when I was drunk, per say.

Thanks for your kind words, all.

Dove

[Time4Change1]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

I dont know.. ive had many blackouts years ago when drinking, many, like every weekend. But there was always some kind of hint to what I did the night before such as waking up in a certain place, guys house, etc, where you could find out that something may have happened. Id suspect it may be your husband because believe me, I used to blackacout every weekend but I always knew where I woke up and what may have happened, and usually figured out that even though I didnt REMEMBER what happened, while being drunk in a blackout you actually still somewhat know what your doing.(i used to deny guys I didnt like, etc) also ur husband was quick to conclude it came from a previous girl even though doctors say probaby impossible. wouldnt you think if he knew i t wasnt from him he would suspect it from you? can you remember any situations where you would think maybe something happened with a guy?

[santybury]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

dove;815325 wrote: Hi all,
haven't been here in a while but having a crisis i can't talk to anyone about. here goes... went to the gyno the other day and tested positive for a common and easily treatable std. i've been with my husband for 7 years and the doctor is telling me that there is no way i could have had this for 7 years and not been really sick and in a huge amount of pain. my husband says he hasn't cheated and i really believe him. he is truly a very good person and i really believe he hasn't. so now i am faced with the wonder and guilt of asking myself if i had sex with someone during a blackout and don't remember. oh my god i can't live with this guilt. i tested negative just before getting together with my husband so know it had to happen sometime in the last 7 years. according to the doctor i couldn't have had this for more than a year or so at the most because i would be in so much pain by now from secondary infection. i have known for a few years now that i have a drinking problem and this guilt is driving me crazy today. i can't talk to my husband because i don't want to hurt him by suggesting this is all my fault. i really don't want to go on living right now because i am feeling so guilty and have no one to talk to. please help by telling me how you have dealt with guilt like this if you have ever had anything like this happen.
thanks,
dove

Hi Dove
Im new too all this but can so relate to what your feeling and going through at the moment. Is there a chance you could have passed it on too your husband as thats tricky. If not then I would keep quiet and try to be easy on yourself, none of us want to be here and although its no excuse, alcohol can make us do crazy things that we would never consider doing when sober. Forgive yourself, sort out the STD and move on. Dont beat yourself up as that will just compound your feelings of low self worth and could lead to a relapse. The guilt and shame alcohol leaves us with takes us to the lowest depths.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do and im sending a big, virtual hug to you x:l

[mandya]

i don't know how to deal with this guilt

good said,no comments,wise replays are enough.get well soon