I am begging..

[ATLThrash]

I screwed up big time last night. I did something I never do and I am so wracked with guilt and fear now that I think I am in teh midst of a full blown panic attack though I have never had one-- I usually drink wine or beer-- it was removed from teh house but my husband hid soem of his liquor-- ithappened late last night-- I happened upon it while looking for a 2 liter of diet coke that I thought we had-- and boom-- I drank 3 diet cokes with bourbon which I never do and sat there is front of my husband acting as if I was just drinking coke. I feel like a disgusting liar and loser and I am also afraid I will do it again-- I have vomited from the kick in my stomach that I feel from teh guilt and I am having trouble breathing well. I am also now whaling with crying because I feel this way-- and I am scared I can't get it together before I have to pick up my son at preschool and take him to swimming-- my husband is at work (he is an attorney and is working on some important things today) so I cannto drop this on him and ask him to get my child-- he will just freak out and make things worse-- so now I feel trapped-- I have no family here to help me at all an I am begging for any support please. How do I get away from this panic?

[greeneyes]

I am begging..

That was last night. It is done and over with. You have to function in the now. Take some long deep breaths. They won't be deep at first, but keep doing it until they are. On the inside of your arms just above your elbow you'll find a tender spot. Apply finger pressure on those spots for little while. Then drink water.

[Anotherday]

I am begging..

What green eyes said plus if you start to hyperventilate breathe into a paper bag. This should help lower carbon dioxide or what have you.

You screwed up last night but you didn't kill anyone, so try to put this into perspective. How much time do you have before you have to go pick up your son?

[ATLThrash]

I am begging..

SO bad

I have until about an hour. I actually did not sleep at all last night and it got worse and worse -- it passed my mind a couple of times that the only way out of this is to disappear of the face of the earth-- and I have never felt like that before-- I think my little boy would be betetr off without me than with this sad weak person... I called a psychiatrist I have been to but he is in session-- I think I better call my husbnad-- I am useless now and he might as well know it before something happens that I can't handle.

[Guest]

I am begging..

ATLThrash,
The panic attack will slowly dissapear, hang in there. Just remember, you didnt do anything that is worth that kind of stress. Remember that it is not you doing this, it is the alcohol that makes us do these things. Everything is going to be ok. Be strong. Ask to chat if you would like some additional support, some one is always on here and we all want to help.

[greeneyes]

I am begging..

Perhaps the thought of calling him is what is perpetuating the anxiety. Can a neighbor help?

[Shikakai]

I am begging..

Green Eyes is right... just try to get a hold of yourself and start again. It's a new day, sunshine

I hope you're better.

[Anotherday]

I am begging..

ATLThrash;818470 wrote: I have until about an hour. I actually did not sleep at all last night and it got worse and worse -- it passed my mind a couple of times that the only way out of this is to disappear of the face of the earth-- and I have never felt like that before-- I think my little boy would be betetr off without me than with this sad weak person... I called a psychiatrist I have been to but he is in session-- I think I better call my husbnad-- I am useless now and he might as well know it before something happens that I can't handle.

Worst case scenario, and if you really don't want to call him, take a cab. You can always say (not to your husband necessarily) but to anyone you might see at the school that you were feeling dizzy and didn't want to drive.

However, please realize you committed no huge sin here and you just made a mistake and please try to calm down if you can.

[hangingon]

I am begging..

if you take a deep breath, hold it and bear down like you did in child birth it is supposed to help tons with panic attacks. Do it a few times. Let go of the guilt, today is a new day. I used to hide wine in a coffee cup so no one would know. We have all done our share. WE are here for you.
Hanging

[ATLThrash]

I am begging..

Trying

I did call my husband. He said he would get our son and take him to swimming. But when he came home he said that he should have known that this would happen and he does not believe it won't happen again and then he just ignored me. I started crying because I feel bad enough about it all and he hit the roof. Now they are gone to swimming, I feel even less than worthless and more so because someone who I am supposed to be able to trust thinks I am crappy. Not that it is a magic bullett but I wish that the psychiatrist would call-- bodily I am still short of breath and my heart is going nuts, especially when I try to get my head around how upset my husband is (of course if the roles were reversed I hope I would be better but maybe I would not). Well, the answer is clearly not drinking but I don't know how much longer I can deal with the feelings I am having now-- they are just getting so bad-- in my head and physically.

[Anotherday]

I am begging..

I find that laying down helps when things get really tough. Can you try this?

[ATLThrash]

I am begging..

Walls closing in

when I lay down I feel so isolated and guilty-- can't turn te mnd off-- it is like I want to shoot the walls out!

[DeeBee]

I am begging..

Hi AT,
Can you take a short walk? A shower? A bath? Anything that requires movement that will get your mind off it even if it's for 5 minutes. Vaccume the carpet, wash the dishes, do the ironing, make the beds. DO ANYTHING, DO SOMETHING.
Make yourself something light to eat, something to drink, keep yourself hydrated.
Take today one minute at a time:-)

[Guest]

I am begging..

ATLThrash,
I know its easy for me to say but try to not let it bother you as much, you made a mistake, he will get over it. I have been in this situation many times and life goes on. He may be just trying to make you feel guilty but what he doesnt realize is YOU did not choose this. You did not do this on purpose. You have a problem that is not just going to go away because you want it to.People who are not alcoholics cannot even comprehend what we are going through, how this thing takes over us and wont let us think for ourselves. Maybe you should bring him on to the site, if not under your name, as a guest and let him see how all of us struggle - show him you are not the only one. Heck, I would even talk to him if it would help. I would do anything to help you get through this, as would anyone else here. Please try to come to terms with these last two days in your mind and move forward.
Let me know if we can help in any way so that you can relieve yourself of this unneccesary guilt.

[Cindi]

I am begging..

I used to hide wine in a coffee cup so no one would know. We have all done our share.

Yep..Anytime I would go to a recreational event where alcohol was not served I'd dump out half a bottle of those "on the go" Crystal Light bottles and fill it up with vodka or just dump water out, put Vodka in that and get the mixers wherever. My boyfriend always wondered why I took such little sips and it took me a couple of hours to finish.

ATLThrash,

I agree with Hoping For the Best-You have to sit down and sincerely talk to him about the daily struggle you go through. And it sounds like a good idea to bring him on this site. I don't know if you attend meetings but I brought my boyfriend to an open AA meeting with me and it really opened his eyes and made him understand a lot more.
Be strong and remember we are all here for you.