Encouragement please

[ATLThrash]

Last week I posted here despondent because I had swollen lymph nodes and since I had had melanoma in the past I was so afriad that was it-- cancer. Well it was a positive mono test (which to teh hemotologist indicates a blood virus I have had for years but it really is just like severe anemia--very tiring but no one is going to ctach it from me). I had to cancel volunteering today at my son's school and mentioned when I did so at that late hour (because I was so tired I just could not deal with all those small kids wel) that I had tested posiitve for mono but that I had had had it so many times as had my friend and that it was not contagious-- I had been asssurred of this by all teh docs at Emory and Mayo that I have seen-- did nto really explain the blood thing because it is none of her business to look at my medical records and I am not a liar aout health issues-- I am sure i lie to myslef about drinking but never about health when it coudl affect anyone but me liek a child!!!. Well, the lady threatened me-- she said that she would not allow her kid to play with mine and that if I did not tell the director of the school about my test that she would-- and that she woudl speak to her about me reading to teh Pre-Ks Friday if I did not pull out on my own!

Itis no surprise that I called my husband hysterical-- I had had the doc prescribe a very small amount of antianxiety meds last week while I was waiting for hte test results so I had none to take to assuage the hysteria. He was mad-- probably at her but it came out as being at me. He was scheduled to come home early so of course I hit the beer- hid it and now I am just ashamed and sad. Ittakes nothing to derail me and I was doing well for the last few days.

How do you all cope when the crud rains down? I cannot keep dumping on my hubby and in the US we cannot just go to the hospital at all hours (unless we want to wait 12 or so) and get someone to listen unless I guess I threatened to off myslef which I am not going to do-- I just feel very very anxious and do not want to turn a problem that is medium (hte beer) into a huge one. Thoughts?

[gyco]

Encouragement please

hi atl,hopefully your not mixing Al with meds,at 45 years old i was put on anti depressents,took 12 years b4 i figured out the real reason,and became honest with me,did councilling AA, treatment,when it all came down to it , i shouldnt drink,you seem to have some issues with your health,easy for me to say,why add to them,it is not easy to accept the facts,as far as the lady goes,she is minding her business,concerned i gues of the wellbeing of the children,as is your husband,as far as being angry,it is his rite,he watches whats going on in your life,only you can fix the alchohol problem,that you admit when you said you hid it,read what you wrote,youll see what i mean,i wish you well,gyco

[GoodAsGold]

Encouragement please

Hi there ATL

sounds like there's a lot going on 4 you. Just wanted to give u a virtual hug & ask that u pls keep posting. You will get support here & advice if you ask. With ya xxx

Gold

[ATLThrash]

Encouragement please

Thanks

You all are right that I do have health issues. They started way before any alcohol issues for sure. As for mixing meds-- I take a daily blood pressure med that would be mixing with th AL when I drink. As for any anxiety stuff or pain meds or anything-- if i ever take them I don't drink. AL certainly is a depressant- I don't know why my mind cannto just accept that-- becasue today of coruse I feel really depresssed and I am sure tomorrow I will feel alot better when I do not drink. I will just keep on trying-- it is all I know to do now. I am just praying that tomorrow will be better.

[jessie]

Encouragement please

:lHi ATLT, I also want to send you a virtual hug. And I hope and pray that someday our brains will accept the fact that we are alcoholic - we cannot/ must not, drink.
PM me if you need support.

[Doggygirl]

Encouragement please

Part of how I cope when the crud rains down is to realize that "life" happens to absolutely everyone. We ALL have ups and downs. Lots of people get through life's ups and downs without drinking, and so can I. For a long time, I think I was sort of waiting for the *perfect* time to quit drinking. There was never a *perfect* time with no problems or difficulties. I have also realized that by drinking, I could make a good situation bad, an average situation bad, and a bad situation worse.

It's not easy to get sober but it's worth it. And if I can, I know you can too.

DG

[ATLThrash]

Encouragement please

To all

Doggy-- you always make so much sense-- I recall one post where you wrote something like "I will just have one (I have never just had one). I will only drink X"-- I think ti was you that wrote it-- it made so much sense. What an insidious drug alcohol is. It is legal ( for the prroper age) so it is socially acceptable. However I am coming to realize that it may destroy more lives than any illegal drug ever could. It makes you feel paranoid, anxious etc. Just in the past month I have realized by reading these posts that all hte anxiety I thought I was feeling due to some unknown cause in my mind was due to drinking-- that on the days I did not or did just have one glass of wine (which was still possibel for me up until a few months ago (holidays have always been danger zones for me) that I woke feeling fine-- and not just physically. I have been hungover or sluggish from alcohol but of late the physical effect has been mainly anxiety-- not hte headaches and vomiting etc-- which in a way is even worse becasue those hangovers are nature's way of telling us to stop! Your stories are inspiring-- I marvel at how folks drank heavily for 30 or 40 years and overcame it-- it has not been liek that for me but just the same it is damaging and I realize that I coudl wake up and be 70 (I am 42 now) and have been feeling liek this (if I did not die from liver failure or something). So I am thankful for this site.

If you do not mind-- how long did you drink in a problem manner before you were able to give it uop for good? And did you do meds or anything? I am always interested in anyone's story especially hte ones with succeess!

[Doggygirl]

Encouragement please

ATL, if there is one thing I have learned on this journey it's that all of us who are addicted to AL have SO much in common. Every piece of every story is not exactly alike, but we all have SO many similarities. And I learned through AA to look for the similarities rather than the differences when working to understand my affliction and how to stop drinking.

I turned 52 on Friday and I will be sober 2-years on May 22 assuming I can go one day at a time without drinking between now and then. That's my plan anyway.

Prior to that I had 60 days AF from July 11, 2007 until I thought I was "fixed" and could have "just one." HAHAHAHAHA. I have said that many times - there has never been a "just one" for me - AL really IS cunning, baffling and powerful to make me believe something would be true after 30+ years of being false every single time I tried it!

Anyway...

I started drinking like so many of us as a teen. Al quickly became my "priority." Even in the party days of college, for some other kids the "event" would be the big deal, with drinking just being along for the ride. For me it was about the drinking. I didn't really care if we went to the concert (as one example) or not - so long as we drank.

Then I did "work hard, play hard (aka drink hard)" through my 20's. By my 30's I really "had" to drink every day, and cannot recall too many days where I didn't drink.

In my 40's it became increasingly difficult to refrain from drinking until 5PM. More and more often (aka whenever possible!) it was "5 O'Clock somewhere..." Then when I started working from a home office (I was about 41) it was often "3 O'Clock" or even "3 O'clock somewhere." Then noon. Then noon somewhere. My boss "caught" me drunk on the job many times - he just couldn't really prove it as I was in a remote location. But he was onto me and after me. I resigned before he could fire me.

At that point I didn't even try to hold off on the drinking. If I could manage to NOT have to go anywhere in a day, I would skip the coffee and go straight for the vodka. (or wine) I would get testy and resentful if I had obligations that kept me from drinking until the afternoon. If I had to wait until evening...well, I really couldn't wait. And didn't wait.

I isolated more and more and more and drank more and more and more. I stsrted seeing no point to living. I would wake up in the morning and swear I didn't want to drink that day and be pouring a drink before the sun was up. I saved up prescription pain killers - enough to end it.

And now I have slowly reclaimed my life. You can too.

DG

[ATLThrash]

Encouragement please

Did you figure out why?

Doggy--

Did you figure out why you drank or is that really necessary to giving it up? It seems like on those Intervention type shows that they talk about why the person was doing what they were doing. I honestly have to say that I think I started to drink more because I was bored and had a lack of self esteem from not being used to being a mom. Nap time would become happy hour. I never drank too much until after my child was born (well I am sure in college when I first drank I got sick because I did not know what I was doing but months would pass without me thinking of drinking) This is odd but i do think that my vanity stopped me from drinking too--- before it was not worth it to drink becauseI was afriad of gaining apound. Then I gained 80 with my child and was so far away from the old me I figured-- what the heck? The cycle of guilt and shame-- I will say that right now is the first time since I drank that beer last night that I have felt okay-- not gripped by anxiety. Physically I felt okay but mentally I felt like trash all day long. I have always beat myself up excessively. Now I understand that at times I was even creating problems in my mind in order to beat myself up. Maybe it was how I was raised but if I overate then I convnced myself I was the worst fat pig. Now with my child if I do nto feel like doing something at the school I convince myself that I am the worst mom- when there are realistically moms who do far less. The psychaitrist says I am doing this with drinking now. Problem is at this point I am afraid not to beat myself over it because I am afriad I will get too easily complacent and booze it up. I decided to tell the doc eveyrthing I could not say for shame to my husband. It should have made me feel better that he noted this pattern of me creating negative thoughts about myself but no-- instead I started to doubt that I was telling him everything. I guess that my capacity for seeing myself realistically really needs help. Did AA help that for you?> There is a meeting across the street from me every Tuesday and I have wondered about it. I guess for some being an alcoholic or problem drinker can maen 2 or 3 drinls at night and for some it can be 12 or more. I think am in the lower category but to me, if I think it is aproblem it is. My grandafter apparently was soemwhat liek me and drank at nights (beer), finally decided it was a problem to him and stopped. I hope to God that I can.

By the way, my bday is May 22. So good sober date for you!

Thanks for helping me.

[Doggygirl]

Encouragement please

Wow! How cool that we share a special date. 5/22 is more special to me than my own B-day! (which I try to forget these days but that's another story!)

I can only relate what has been true for me. Only you can figure out what is true for you. *end disclaimer*

Trying to understand why I drank is something I pondered a lot when I first tried to stop drinking. It didn't help me. What I realized is that I *thought* somehow understanding "why" would make my cravings magically end or something. That just wasn't going to happen. Whatever my reasons were for drinking when I was a teen, or twenty-something don't really matter. In my last several years of drinking, the reason I drank is because I'm addicted to alcohol. That's the only "why" that ended up being helpful to my sobriety. As an addict, I cannot EVER consume alcohol if I am to be free of it's grip. Zero, nada, never, no alcohol ever.

I couldn't get sober until I accepted that. My relapse after 60 days AF was because I still had some wishful thinking going on that I could somehow drink normally. Well, I learned my lesson about that.

AA has helped me a great deal to understand myself and how to sort out my life. How to "clear the wreckage of my past." It has also connected me in "real life" with people I share a lot in common with, and who have grown into wonderful sober human beings. It's not for everyone, but I have made friends and learned a lot there. AA has helped me get my sober LIVING (not just existing) under way. If you are curious, go check it out. There is certainly no harm in that. Lot's of people come and go so that wouldn't be strange at all.

I am starting to learn the value of the "do the next right thing" mantra. When my conscience is clear, I have nothing to beat myself up about nor anything to drink over. It's nice. Very freeing.

This is a long and winding journey. For me, the REAL healing couldn't begin until I got AL out of the picture for awhile. So maybe focus on that first?

This is difficult but IMO very worth it.

DG

[ATLThrash]

Encouragement please

Thanks for that

I think that I was asking that question because I do not believe it matters why to me. I have always watched those shows abotu addiciton thinking-- well they know it is hurting them so concentrate on just getting rid of it instead of hte long drawn out why and what. I knwo people will differ from me and I undersntad that point of view for sure. One thing you said really resonated-- the isolation. Having moms at hte peschool should help me but I have so little in common with most of them that ti makes me feel worse to bearoudn them. Maybe it was my former profession, maybe it is that I was older with my child, who knows? But I dread those ladies. My husband has some awesome friends but now that I am trying not todrink I really notice how much theyt all drink. Maybe it is because when Isee them it is on the weekend after a hockey game or something but it makes me shy away. I do not feel strong enough to just not drink when htey are around. Especially because the logical part in my brain says that not every one of them is an alcoholic and who am I with my judgment to say if they are right or wrong? So I get more isolated. Maybe AA is an answer-- I would think I had something in common wth the folks in that we shared a common goal. have you learned anythingin AA about psychological addictiion versus physical? Iw ill feel anxiety at times if I do not drink but I can honestly say that I never have had the shakes or needed a jolt ot get going. However, I certainly at times have thought alot about booze even if I am sitting here on a perfectly lovely day with a clean house, organized day etc. To me it almost feels worse to be liek that. I know when I do not drink after drinking a glass or two of wine even a night my bp goes up but it is a bit high anyway due to family history and needing to get off baby weight (40 lbs by my book but 20 or so by another persons-- I am again beating myself to death).

Thanks for sharing. Here is hoping that March 23rd will be my sobriety date.