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Will I ever get out of this prison?

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    #1

    Will I ever get out of this prison?

    I lay awake all night thinking how much I loathe and hate myself. Despite trying councelling, and following the MWO programme, taking supps etc I still can't go for more than two days AF. I feel like I'm in a prison. I see the disgust on the faces of those around me. My stomach aches, I'm tired and can't bear the thought of living my life like this anymore. The thought of being this miserable drunk in 3 years, 5 years even 10 years time (if my body doesn't give up on me before). Sorry to share this with you all - I feel so miserable and dispairing
    Never put off to tomorrow what you can achieve today!
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    #2
    Will I ever get out of this prison?

    Snapdragon,
    You will get out of your prison if you truly believe you can.
    Keep all the reasons you want to be sober firmly at the front of your mind.
    Remind yourself often - daily - hourly - of as many embarrassing alcohol induced situations, hangovers and general difficulties that you can.
    When you want a drink, don't allow your mind to switch off. Think the drink through. Do other activities to distract yourself. Take the supps etc religiously. Exercise. Post often and read others posts often.
    Most of all. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful unique human being who has many other parts to your life - over and above your drinking problem.
    Amelia

    Sober since 30/06/10

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      #3
      Will I ever get out of this prison?

      Hi Snap,
      Have you tried re-hab before? I don't mean just de-tox, (which you'd usually need to do before) but an extended stay at a rehab somewhere. Sounds like you need intensive support, not just counselling sessions? For example, you may need to look at a 2/3/4 months stay away somewhere, in a dedicated, supported environment where the focus is on you getting your life back. There will probably be a waiting list, if you go this route, so you'd need to try to keep it together until then. You may have already tried this way, i don't know. It sounds to me like you cannot do this by yourself, and you most likely will need to change your environment as soon as you can. Even if you have tried rehab before, you might be ready for it, and need that intensive support now. Take what work's for you, and leave the rest. Of course, rehab is not the only way, but sounds like you might need something slightly radical, especially if nothing else is working?
      We must be absolutely ruthless in making our sobriety our priority. Get time off work, or time off what ever you're doing. Leave it, and do what you've got to do. Forget pride, do it. Make some phone call's friend.

      Best wishes.

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

      Comment

        #4
        Will I ever get out of this prison?

        Hi snapdragon,

        How about setting yourself a challenge of, say, four AF days and starting a thread to get others to join you? I think it's critical to get support somewhere, either online or in the real world.
        sigpic
        AF since December 22nd 2008
        Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

        Comment

          #5
          Will I ever get out of this prison?

          Oh dear Snapdragon - my heart went out to you reading your post - but I went back and read a lot of your earlier posts - you are so sweet to all those who are going AF - and in a lot of them you say that you are going to TRY to go AF - why not say that you are going to go AF instead of trying? As for not getting past the 4th day, do you allow yourself to get to that point and think that you have got to day 4 and done it that far so now you can have a drink??? Have you read the Carr book? I read the 'Control AL' one and it was that (plus Topa) that finally stopped me. I couldn't even have ONE AF day so I admire you for even doing one. I have now been AF since beginning of Jan. I agree with Guitarista though - if you cannot do it alone, maybe you should consider rehab? Instead of putting yourself through the self loathing that you are putting yourself through. You are in a sad place and I really feel for you. Have you tried any of the meds on here? I have found that the Topa really works well for me. SO, you need to get a plan (bet you've heard that before on here), get yourself together and KNOW that you can do this! We are all here for you Snap! It is hard but it can be done. Hang in there.

          Sunshine XX
          How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and there will never be a time when it is not now....

          Comment

            #6
            Will I ever get out of this prison?

            Thank you all so much for your kind words and advices. Sunshine - you are right. I keep saying I will TRY and that gives me an element of failure from the start. I didn't drink yesterday and have set my goal not to drink until 1st May (if I can make it til then - then hopefully I can extend it). I've also order the Allen Carr book - I've heard it mentioned before and it has some amazing reviews on Amazon.
            Never put off to tomorrow what you can achieve today!

            Comment

              #7
              Will I ever get out of this prison?

              Snap, I've missed you. Please, hang on. As long as you don't quit making the effort, one day it will take. Your right about the 'try'. Lets change it to 'DO'. Stay around, keep asking for support.
              sigpic
              Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
              awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

              Comment

                #8
                Will I ever get out of this prison?

                Snap....We've all been in prison from an early age ( here's mine ! I was a difficult child Ha! ) Just look at being sober like your on parole ! Ha! Always keep your self clean ....IAD
                ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
                those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
                Dr. Seuss

                Comment

                  #9
                  Will I ever get out of this prison?

                  :lHi Snap, have you tried any of the meds? Antabuse will stop you and stay you stopped...at least for a couple of days until you get "stronger"
                  make the least of the worst, and the most of the best - everyday.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Will I ever get out of this prison?

                    Hi Snap,
                    I just wanted to give a few more details relating to Jessie's comment about Antabuse. I would only recommend Antabuse to someone who has thoroughly researched this drug and has full knowledge of the potential side effects if taken with alcohol. Personally, I was scared of this drug for a long time, but I finally started using it 7 days ago, but ONLY once I was completed educated about it. Also, you cannot stop and start this drug. If you choose to drink again, you may only do so safetly after abstaining from Antabuse for 14 days. Please be cautious when choosing medication. I am a huge fan on Antabuse, but like I said, go in knowing fully what to expect.
                    Maybe other suppliments would be a way for you to start? Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.
                    :h
                    K9
                    :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                    Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Will I ever get out of this prison?

                      Thanks everyone - it's good to have such lovely people to talk to and help without judging. I slipped up on Wednesday and drank a bottle of wine. After a long day a work, I got to my car to discover I had left the lights on a flattened the battery, so after getting help to get it going and driving over an hour to get home I wasn't in the best of moods- the rest is history! Oh well back to day one again. However, I have been keeping a diary of my drinking and am managing to have a least two or three AF days a week (just can't seem to manage them in a row). This is a lot better than it was - so hopefully I'll keep digging my way out of this prison!

                      IAD - that baby cot is hilarious!! Thank you for cheering me up. :thanks:
                      Never put off to tomorrow what you can achieve today!

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Will I ever get out of this prison?

                        Snap there is a thread below about getting over 48 hours I've managed it perhaps we could start a thread for those who can't string the days together?get each other through. I know posting on here is saving my skin so far!!!!

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Will I ever get out of this prison?

                          Hi UK

                          That's a great idea - I'm having an inspirational day today and am determined to give this my best shot (yet again!! )

                          You are doing amazingly - well done and keep up the good work.

                          Have a good weekend and enjoy the lovely sunshine we're having in the UK at last. X
                          Never put off to tomorrow what you can achieve today!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Will I ever get out of this prison?

                            Hi Snap,

                            I am reading the Allen Carr book and it has helped me to see things with a different perspective. I know how you feel. I am only on Day 4, but it is my day 4! Got past the 48 hour mark and that is huge for me! PM me if you like, I check in everyday! .... =0)

                            DB

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Will I ever get out of this prison?

                              Hi Disco - well done you DAY 4 - whoo hooo - amazing (sorry I haven't been near the computer for couple of days - but I hope you are now on Day 5!!) I am on DAY 3!!! I've been away from home for a couple of days so even though I've been surrounded by people drinking, I haven't found it too hard to abstain. Tonight will be the really hard one for me - I'm a lone drinking and like to sit at home with a bottle of wine - wish me luck.

                              I've ordered Allen Carr's book too and am still waiting for it to arrive - I hope that will be another incentive.

                              Best wishes

                              Snap X
                              Never put off to tomorrow what you can achieve today!

                              Comment

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