NEED Communication Re divorce

[Guest]

Dear friends, it has come to this, my husband of 34 years is definitely divorcing me. I am home alone now at the moment and I am having an anxiety attack. I keep thinking "just run out and get some wine, just for today."
But that is not the answer.
I did start a course of wellbutrin and in order for to be able have success AL is not to be in the picture, I can not drink my way through this divorce.
I am scared and lonely.
I would like to hear from people who have been through divorce and have gotten their lives back.
I also want to tell you how very ashamed of myself, I have lost my husband, who although has his faults is a very dear man. I will lose my home and all I have put into it I have really hit bottom as they say and it is so very painful.
I was a happy functioning AL and now I am reduced to nothing.
I can not see my way clear of this terrible dilemma.
I never asked for this alcoholism. I am so very despondent. OO

[changemylife]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Your anxiety is temporary, your pain is temporary, It will get better. It will get better. We are able to move on and sometimes we find that life is better.

Try and blank out your mind and meditate.

It will get better!

[DiscoBunnie]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Ocean,

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Please do not drink that wine or any alcohol, I can assure you it will only make things even worse~ you know that. Don't let AL in , Al is after all the cause of your current misery. Whatever you do, don't drink. Cry, yell, post all night, go to chat but DO NOT DRINK!

I went through a divorce 11 years ago, my drinking was an issue but not the origin for the divorce. I did drink myself through the divorce and through the past 11 years. I am on Day 4 of sobriety, however, I lost the respect of my son and gave my very ungrateful daughter more things to throw in my face. I hear my son is going to move back home with his father, that is my current rock bottom.

Like you, it is our ROCK BOTTOM that has opened our eyes to the reality of Al's effects and on our lives and the lives of those we love most in this world. Did your husband move out? Has he talked about seeing a lawyer? Could it be that he needs some time to think things through?

Please keep us posted, you can PM me anytime if you like...

DB

[SKendall]

NEED Communication Re divorce

I am so sorry Ocean. It's particularly hard when you still have feelings for him. This is going to be difficult if you are early in sobriety, maybe you could get some professional help as well as MWO to walk you through these lonely days.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

:l

[SKendall]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Disco, I'm sorry for your situation as well, that must really, really hurt.:l

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Thank you so much for responding.
No he has not moved out, but this situation has been going on for five years and he finally hit his limit.
I live in the most beautiful home that he built and have lived here for 30 years, as I look around me my heart breaks. My name is written on everything here.
We have really done the "home" together, all the fixtures, the furniture the china.....the cats the whole thing. When I think of moving and really I have a home to go to, but it is just an overwhelming thought.
SInce he owned the house before me, he will be the one that keeps the "home" He keeps his business, he keeps our large "camp" property which we found and restored the cabins and built a sauna all together.
I will lose him, his company, my home, my step family.
There is a home we built in 1986 near by that I can have but I just can not imagine my life not here, not with him. I know this may sound materialistic but I am very attached to this life.
I spent many of my years helping him with various illnesses, lyme, heart troubles, he was hard of hearing for 15 years then deaf for 15 years when we learned sign language and I had a large burden to bear with that. Social isolation, not being able to do normal things that hearing people did. At parties, I signed for him and made sure he was included. I just wish I could get the proper perspective of this situation. He has been a very difficult man to live with, but at the same time was a wonderful husband in many ways. I have suffered through a few affairs also.
I wish I could just get a different mind set. But right now I am in such deep grief. He has changed his mind many times and given me chances, and I felt I was moving in a very positive direction.
Now I question myself and my value.
I know other people have gone through divorce I just never knew how very serious and devastating it is.
What also is hard for me is his seeming ability to remove himself, I mean he went out dancing last night!
Yes we have the lawyers and have done some mediation, we are rather far along in the process, but have been keeping it on hold as he said he kept hoping for a change. I have changed, but not enough to his satisfaction.
For now, OO

Thanks for your kind words and support. OO

[AMELIA]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hello Ocean,

I have not been through a divorce, but with a few long term relationships under my belt, I think I understand your grief. 34 years is a very long time. I can only imagine all the things around your homes that hold very happy memories for the two of you - not to mention the homes themselves.
Is your husband's reason for a divorce, the drinking and the drinking alone?
As you say, he has been difficult to live with too and has had a few affairs along the way.
Even though we are people who problem drink, that is not all that we are.

If I were you, hard as it may be, I would be looking to find as many activities (non drinking of course) to distract myself at the moment.
He wants change...I presume in your drinking patterns? It sounds like you have made some progress. What else can you do (assuming you want to), to help yourself maintain your sobriety?
Just remember, we are all unique human beings and each have many good qualities. We are far more than just our drinking problems.

I hope your husband has made ammends about his affairs. Did you think about divorce then?
No one is perfect in this world - no marriage is perfect.
It sounds like he may be unfairly pointing the finger of blame at you? (and I am not trying to diminish the effect drinking can have on a relationship)
I hope your situation works itself out. Wishing you all the best.

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Thanks Amelia,
Yes I am trying my best right now to do positive things. I must force myself but I do them.
I still have a problem with drinking but it has really slowed down in my life compared to where I was years ago.

As I said I am taking wellbutrin and that will hopefully help me get of of part of this emotional distress. This is helping me to not drink because I really want to give it a chance to help my mental state.

Yes, the affairs were very difficult for me, and took me years of therapy to work through to forgiveness. I never did consider divorce, but maybe I really did want things to change.

It's just so sad that I take this alcoholism within me wherever I go. But I am not giving up to it, so that's a positive.

I think I am so sad and feeling rejected that I am romanticizing much of the past. I have experienced great joy in my marriage and also great pain and many secrets.

I think it has not been a good marriage and that may be one of the reasons I have drank through it. I choose to be with him and maybe for some of the wrong reasons.

So thank you for your input. I appreciate the thoughts.

And yes, just because we are alcoholics does not mean we are bad or inferior people.
I am however feeling that way as my husband really has no ability to understand how difficult this has been for me.

I was reading in the forum about how AL affects family members and I can understand his point of view for himself, I do however do not feel I am the only one with problems.
And I have to admit I must have been many times in denial.

Best, OO

[gyco]

NEED Communication Re divorce

hi ocean,i am glad you started to say the word I,one of the 1st things i lerned in treatment,i am responsible,no one else,you were responsible as a wife,cause you loved the man,has he so forgot that,alchoholism,not necessarily alchoholic,which is only a word,society has so over blown the condition,but it is a condition of the mind [brain] the most coplex ailment to ,yes women,and man,yes women are afflicted,are we so blind,i to have been married for 34 years this year,and yes my wife has stuck with me for all those years,she had no faults,i keep saying it,get your wedding vows out,thro sickness and health,lest we forget,its a promise,sad as it sounds,my wife is going thro depression lately,she was deprssed with me at one time,now shes depressed with work,cause now I have [physical health problems[my spine needs surgery]god so blessed me ,he gave me my wife gyco,o you so made my day,tell him to give his head a shake,you sound like an Angel

[AMELIA]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Gyco;835782 wrote: hi ocean.........tell him to give his head a shake,you sound like an Angel

Hey Ocean,
I agree with Gyco.....

[DiscoBunnie]

NEED Communication Re divorce

I too agree with Amelia and Gyco, you are an Angel. You have a forgiving and caring spirit. You have qualities that many sober people or alcoholics never attain. You are special and deserve to be treated as such. There is something you said in your post, "and yes, just because we are alcoholics does not mean we are bad or inferior people." You are so right! We have a behavioral addiction problem and becasue we are here, proves we are fighting the good fight with the intent to win. We are often our own worst judges, thinking that we deserve the bad treatment that some people inflict upon us.

Your husband must realize all you have done for him? What is happening with you today? What are you doing? What are your plans for tonight?

DB

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Ocean,
You need to concentrate on you now. You need to have a clear mind to make rational decisions. You can only do that AF.
I also think it is great you are on Wellbutrin, I took it for 3 years of a failing marriage and it helped me...........until I started drinking. Google drinking on Wellbutrin, really ramps up the alcohol problem!! I think it was the start of my problem with alcohol, although I have the genes and it would have happened anyway. Really a serious problem to drink while taking it!

I will be thinking of you. Take care! :l

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Thanks Disco, Well I managed to GET through yesterday, and got out of bed this am to go to my yoga class. There was a different teacher, a sub, and I was disappointed. But it turned out to be a fabulous wonderful class, really healing energy.
But now I did buy some wine, and I am drinking. But I only bought one bottle, so that's better than two
I really am still in shock.
I can not yet see my way to the other side.
Just off the phone with a friend and am having a little more of a positive attitude, but still the reality of this divorce is lurking .

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Thanks saving grace, that's exactly what my friend and I were discussing. I do not know what I need, a bat to hit me in the head! Honestly.
I understand about the wellbutrin and AL and that is why I really do not want to drink. I want to give it the possibility of helping me emotionally, rather than the AL.
Thank you for posting, OO

oceanaocean;835959 wrote: Thanks Disco, Well I managed to GET through yesterday, and got out of bed this am to go to my yoga class. There was a different teacher, a sub, and I was disappointed. But it turned out to be a fabulous wonderful class, really healing energy.
But now I did buy some wine, and I am drinking. But I only bought one bottle, so that's better than two
I really am still in shock.
I can not yet see my way to the other side.
Just off the phone with a friend and am having a little more of a positive attitude, but still the reality of this divorce is lurking .

[Doggygirl]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hi there. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. One thing that I think is very easy to do (understandably) that I do NOT think is very useful is comparisons. i.e., I got drunk and did X bad thing, but he had an affair. I got drunk some other time and did Y bad thing, but he did some other bad thing. I used to do a lot of score keeping in order to justify my drinking. "Of course I got drunk! You would drink TOO if your husband did XXXX!" That sort of thinking did not help me get sober or improve my life in any way.

Not drinking regardless of what my husband is doing is what has put me on the path to a better "me" and a better life and relationship in my marriage.

I'm sorry if that is hard to hear. You are right that because we are alcoholics does not mean we are inferior. What is DOES mean, however, is that we have to stop drinking if we want the problems caused by our drinking to stop.

I hope this situation ends up being a positive one in the long run for you. Sometimes things have a way of working out for the best.

Strength and hope,

DG