NEED Communication Re divorce

[DiscoBunnie]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hi Ocean,

Just checking in to see how you are doing... I know things seem bleak at the moment, I wish I could find words to help lift your spirit. You will feel better though, you will regain your strength, your confidence and your life. The focus for you right now should be a decision on what to do about alcohol in your life. Have you thought about moderation or abstinence? I agree with DG, we have to stop drinking if we want the problems caused by our drinking to stop. Let us know how you are doing ....

~DB
Day 4 (April 10,2010)

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

I would like to tell you I am not the walking drunk, thank god!

I have drank about two bottles of wine in the past week. I am doing my very best at the moment. So for this although it is not AF at least I feel I have some control.

I did my yoga class this morning and tomorrow another friend is taking me to another yoga class.

My (still) husband just came home from an overnight at our "camp" property and it was so good to see him. I really do love him. And I know there are things about him that leave much to be desired too.

I am however trying not to alienate him further from me. So we did have a nice "visit" together and now he is off to sleep in a separate room.

It is difficult get a good perspective on how I feel, part of me says let him go (like I have a choice!) and the other part is longing for his unrequited love.

Breaks my heart, but a few days ago I would have been pleading with him to sleep and cuddle with me. That just annoys him more.

So I had a rough day today, alone, unable to really do anything, tried to watch some movies for distractions and tried to eat but I really have no appetite. I did at least eat some healthy oatmeal cookies I had made, so that is at least something.


Thanks so much for being here for me right now, OO

[DiscoBunnie]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Ocean,

I am so glad you were not among the walking drunk last night! Good for you. If you are getting yourself to yoga classes and controlling what you drink, then you are stronger than you give yourself credit for! I myself cannot have not 1 drink. 1 drink leads to drunk and passed out for me....

You are doing so well Ocean. Knowing when to leave hubby alone, and you are right, too much "wanting" when the other does not want it, can be annoying, smart move for you Ocean...

Things will get better Ocean, remember when one door closes, another door opens, but we must be sober to be able to see the door that opens. Keep posting and let us know how your day is going to day...

~DB
Day 5

[FionaS]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hiya Ocean,

My husband left me 2 and a half months into my sobriety, I too was devastated, I turned to the only thing I knew....my best friend....my worst enemy...alcohol...this I did for a month and then took myself off to AA, as Gyco says, this is a disease of the body and of the mind.....its truly insanity on top form, I have been sober for nearly 2 years and I too had to move out our family home, all OUR things....I realise, they are things.....tangible.......no one can take away my memories....the best thing I did...was deal with it all with sobriety.......one day at a time

Fiona

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hi Fiona, so:heart: sorry, I so understand. This seems to be unsurmountable right now, and in my heart I still have hope for my marriage, but I think it is a false hope as he has made up his mind. I had been doing very well and also tried to explain about when someone is not drinking they must learn different skills to help with their reactions to life. But he has lost his patience with my "tries."
As I said, I am sincerely not diving into the bottle as much as I would like the numbness that results from it.
But he is still at least giving me a hug, ones that I am not requesting but certainly feel comforted by.
Hope you are well, today and for the days to come, OO

FionaS;836171 wrote: Hiya Ocean,

My husband left me 2 and a half months into my sobriety, I too was devastated, I turned to the only thing I knew....my best friend....my worst enemy...alcohol...this I did for a month and then took myself off to AA, as Gyco says, this is a disease of the body and of the mind.....its truly insanity on top form, I have been sober for nearly 2 years and I too had to move out our family home, all OUR things....I realise, they are things.....tangible.......no one can take away my memories....the best thing I did...was deal with it all with sobriety.......one day at a time

Fiona

[godknowsImtrying]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hey Ocean--
I went through a very rough divorce and can understand the feelings you are going through. The best thing I did was start seeing a therapist who helped me deal with accepting the end of my marriage, even when I clearly didn't want to. The day she asked me why on earth I was still wearing my wedding ring when my ex was clearly not ever going to come back (and why would I want him back, anyway?) was liberating. I removed the ring and the healing really started. I learned how to detach myself from my ex, even when he'd try to get close to me again--because after some real work in therapy, I could finally see how he also had patterns of behavior (including multiple affairs) that were indicative of his sense of loyalty to me.

I can tell you this: it was hard. You are still living with your husband? Seeing him so close every day/night only prolongs the agony. Perhaps you need to get some space--and start thinking about your life in that new property by staying there. It couldn't hurt---could even avoid any more hurting.

I was in another relationship after my marriage that recently ended. Now that I look back, my drinking actions had much to do with how I felt about that relationship, so *I* was the one who was self-destructive. Went back on Wellbutrin because even though I wanted out of the relationship, I found myself trying to hold on (once again) to what I thought was good about it, forgetting about the real meaning of why I chose to drink. And let's face it: if you both don't want the same thing anymore, what's the point? I had to drink myself into a corner again, though, and by drinking, LOST all of the skills I'd gained in prior therapy. Doh!

But therapy is a wonderful way to learn to change the way you process events, and I'm there, once again because I can't let myself fall back. No matter how much you know (or think you know), a good professional can do wonders to help you get back on track. And a little help from your friends.

You sound like such a wonderful person. When you said something about asking your ex to cuddle you and how your husband reacts to that, etc., my heart went "ouch" in that empathetic way...remembering way back when. Drinking won't heal that pain because drinking never heals anything for long.

[BPleasant]

NEED Communication Re divorce

OO, he goes out dancing and seems distant physically, he has had affairs... would it be easier for you to move forward if he were still perpetuating that behavior?

I was talking with a recently divorced woman the other day, she said, 2-3 years to feel normal again.

((HUGS OO))

[Reenie]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Ocean: 15 days ago I came to this site with the same situation. My husband of 9 years told me he had enough and wanted a divorce. I was miserable and full of anxiety. I too looked around my house, thought of all the beautiful (materialistic) things I have and couldn't imagine life without my husband and life style. I received a lot of support here. I finally succumed and thought to myself, "I brought this on. My alcoholism has brought this on. Have I ever tried HARD enough to change me? I resigned myself that I was going to lose my husband and my beautiful lifestyle. I then thought to myself, these are just things. If he wants a divorce, I'll respect that. I put him through enough. Yet, I knew I had to save myself. I'm on day 15. The divorce subject has been pushed aside. I asked my husband if he loves me and could he live with a sober wife. He said, yes. I asked him if he liked being married to me and if he like being married in general. He said yes. He gave me what I needed to hear. I've been fearing that I was screwing up my marriage. With that being said, I kept on screwing it up more by drinking deliberately. Now that I know he can handle a sober wife, and is aware that our social life is going to change just a bit, that it is me who has to change, I feel encouraged to live a sober life. I'm trying to live a sober life, not only for the benefit of me and my health, but for the man I married. I don't want to lose him. He is the best thing in my life. Well, I'm rambling. I hope things work out for you and your husband. Please have a heart to heart talk. Best wishes. Email me if you would like.

Hugs,
Reenie

[JACQRABBIT]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hello Ocean,

Your story is a very sad one, I find myself wanting to 'shake sense' into your husband.

Having been divorced twice I can say with confidence that you will survive.

My second divorce was the father of my 2 children and the house we lived in was my "dream home" it was on 7 acres in a very beautiful part of Victoria.
I built this house with my father, and when I say built it, I don't mean that I went to the showroom and picked the colours for the walls etc. I mean every day for 3 - 4 months my father and I toiled and sweat blood,(he was a registered builder, so that helped) we did everything except the electrics.
Both of my children, then 2 and 4 even hammered a nail into the floor.

I most definitely agree with both God knows and B Pleasant that you remaining in the home that has so many memories and your husband has got to be both soul destroying and not conducive to you getting your life back together.

And who knows if you remove yourself your husband will have to consider what his future would really look like without you in it..

Thinking of you xx

Jacqrabbit

[Guest]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Ocean
It took me 7 (drinking) years after an AF marriage of 26-27 years ended in divorce, to really move on. What a waste!!! Then 2 1/2 years after the next divorce. My current marriage, I'm going to have to leave. Just trying to get myself in the right place to do that. I went back to drinking again 3 1/2 years ago when I found out 'what' I married. Just did not want another divorce!
Don't waste years and your sanity trying to drink away your pain. I can tell you, it only makes it so much worse!! It keeps you stuck in the pain and unable to move past it.
I'm AF, but it is so difficult! I'm so devastated by facts, that almost daily, I'm finding out since I'm sober enough to be aware.
My thoughts are with you. Take care!

[Litre]

NEED Communication Re divorce

Hi Ocean, I also agree with Gyco, if you were able to live through his affairs, he has to see you are trying to change your drinking pattern. I have been divorced twice, not because of alcohol, but it was still a crushing time in my life. If you can work through your marriage good or bad more power to you. And I hope you have managed to be AF during this time.