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    #1

    in a state

    ok... going to try and write straight because i'm pissed.

    i have 5 damaged discs in my spine. i'm 17 stone. been on the sick from my job at my daughters school for 6 months and been cooped up in the house. cant walk more than half a mile before total agony. went to pick the girls up from school, asked my mam to go with me for support and had a huge panic attack. like all the mums were staring at me because i should be at work in the school and i've only got back pain because i'm so fat. came out shaking and crying. my poor mum didnt know what to do. i made my hubby get me wine and once he has has gone to bed ive drank all the stupid al i dont even like thats been stashed in the house for an age. i can't breathe properly. i lost my father in law 6 weeks ago who was like my father to me. i'm just so fat, worthless and lazy. can't bear this anymore.
    sorry for the self pity
    The mind will intellectualize it, the heart will emotionalize it, yet the gut never lies.

    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9/girly-wirly-s-toolbox-2-45452.html
    Tags: None
    #2
    in a state

    Oh Girly I'm so sorry :l
    Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm very sorry about the loss of your father-in-law also. But please do not let all of this get you down. I know it's not easy, but you can get through this. Do you have any more AL in the house now? I would suggest pouring it out, then getting yourself to bed. Start over fresh tomorrow, maybe things won't look as bad. I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. :h
    K9
    :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

    Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

    Comment

      #3
      in a state

      hey dont beat yourself up,, you sound like you want change and change is good .. just do it one day at a time and come up with a plan and talk to your doc .. do what ever you can to make your life alittle happier and just keep reaching for help and we are here for you
      :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
      best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

      Comment

        #4
        in a state

        Girly sorry to hear you are struggling so. Your back has been causing you such pain for a while now, it must be hard to take. Didnt you say you were seeing the doctor very soon?
        Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

        Comment

          #5
          in a state

          Hang in there Girly. Some good advice from K9 & tirgs. Listen, as much as I need MWO I nee you too GW. We are ALL in this together. I'll talk to you tomorrow, it'll be a brighter day for you I'm sure.
          Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read

          Comment

            #6
            in a state

            oh girly, it sounds like your head is in a really awful place, no doubt worse for drinking. im really sorry you're feeling so down. you know we are here for you if we can help. its good that you reached out here. try and get some sleep and come back and talk to us. you've made a start, you can get yourself out of this pit. take care
            Today is the tomorrow i worried about yesterday and it turned out fine
            Keep passing the open windows

            Comment

              #7
              in a state

              oh girly,
              Please stop beating yourself up inside! We can be our own worse enemies at times.. who cares what the mum's at the school think, and you don't even know what they are thinking! Sorry to hear about your back pain - are you seeing your doc for pain meds, and/or a chiropractor.. as for the weight issue.. heaps of people have weight problems, is does not mean you should feel bad about yourself! You are a lovely person.. AL will make everything seem worse, and make you more depressed.. we are here for you, please look after yourself..
              Katie xxx
              "It works if you work it, because you are worth it!!!"

              :groupluv:

              Comment

                #8
                in a state

                Sweetie no advice.
                Just a big group hug.

                :l:l:l:l:l
                And for what it's worth We all care about you for who you are
                Happy to be back

                Comment

                  #9
                  in a state

                  Hi there Girly,
                  Don't take any notice of the other mothers, besides, they probably weren't all looking at you. When we feel low, our imagination runs wild, making us feel worse. And it can be so bloody hard to get off the merry go round of self hatred, remorse and feeling like you do at the moment.
                  Do you have anything for the pain? Can you get a doctor appointment to see what can be done?
                  When you've had a good nights sleep, you'll be able to see things a bit fresher. Have the faith to believe in yourself, and that you can change things around you. Look after yourself, hear from you soon.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    in a state

                    Oh sweetheart,
                    Firstly I'm so sorry for the loss of your father in law (I adore mine).

                    The panic attack and the shaking are sounding like AL withdrawals. Once you had a couple of drinks did they go away?

                    Please, please make an appointment with your GP, he/she may will be able to adjust your morphine dosage, check your blood pressure etc. Tell him that you're drinking a bit more than usual, there's no need to go into detail. And ring that phone number.

                    J x
                    :l
                    It could be worse, I could be filing.
                    AF since 7/7/2009

                    Comment

                      #11
                      in a state

                      I can concur with your "I'm fat thoughts" I put on a lot of weight through drinking and it was one great excuse to continue drinking. "I'm fat anyway so what does it matter". Whenever I feel that now I tell myself "You have no chance of losing weight or getting into shape if you drink" over and over again.

                      It's the truth.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        in a state

                        morning everyone.
                        i have read and re-read your kind posts. thankyou so much (AGAIN) for reaching out to me.

                        i should say i take copious amounts of morphine for my back and i've been taking anti- depressants for a few years now at quite a high dose. when my depression rears it's head like yesterday, it isn't pretty. i'm off to see a neurosurgeon next week to see if there is anything operable they can do with reguards to my damaged discs. i think he's going to tell me to go away and lose weight to take the strain off my spine. i believe that because i'm locked in the house as i can't walk far, sitting in this same bloody chair, it has escalated my depression. i can't eat at the moment, everything i try makes me want to vomit. (thats been going on around 3 weeks.) throwing al into the equation helps no end. i miss my job so much and although the head is supporting me, i've been staying away from school as much as i can because of the anxiety. when i'm in the yard/school i feel like are all eyes are on me, thinking "how come you're out when you're supposed to be ill?" just because i can walk around a yard, doesnt mean i can walk around and work at school 40 hours a week. its hard enough getting by in the house as a mother to 2 girls, one of whom is autistic and needs quite alot of extra care.

                        the death of my father in law was due to cancer. we watched a young (age 61) strapping bloke wither away to nothing and die over 5 months. the grief was and is still immense. my husband is so badly hurt it kills me to watch him and know i can't take his pain away.

                        i don't really suffer physical withdrawals of alc, just cravings on an evening, especially when i'm down. the shaking yesterday was pure panic and anxiety, which subsided when i was safely away from the yard. the crying lasted around 3 hours.

                        anyhoo, on a more positive note, heres todays plan.

                        the sun is shining here today, and i'm going to sit in the garden and read my book, take a short walk around the block, try and eat something. ive also dug my knitting needles out. not that i can knit very well, but i can knit a pink dolly's blanket for my little girl (geeky, i know) to keep myself occupied. i also have a paint by numbers to play with. gonna keep busy. no al tonight either.
                        i am gonna make myself feel better today and be back online later, hopefully refreshed, to give you guys as much support as you give me. sorry for rambling but i had to get it out.

                        love ya all mwah xxxx:l:l:l

                        gw x
                        The mind will intellectualize it, the heart will emotionalize it, yet the gut never lies.

                        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9/girly-wirly-s-toolbox-2-45452.html

                        Comment

                          #13
                          in a state

                          Girly I do feel for you, it must seem like a vicious circle. Hopefully the specialist can help, where as it is beyond your GPs remit. Dont ever feel you cant come on here and share and ask for help, that is what we do, be here for each other. If you feel the cravings come calling tonight come back and talk to us. Good luck.
                          Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                          Comment

                            #14
                            in a state

                            KTAB;867827 wrote: Girly I do feel for you, it must seem like a vicious circle. Hopefully the specialist can help, where as it is beyond your GPs remit. Dont ever feel you cant come on here and share and ask for help, that is what we do, be here for each other. If you feel the cravings come calling tonight come back and talk to us. Good luck.
                            i will i promise and thanks x:thanks:
                            The mind will intellectualize it, the heart will emotionalize it, yet the gut never lies.

                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9/girly-wirly-s-toolbox-2-45452.html

                            Comment

                              #15
                              in a state

                              In all of this and all of the things affecting you right now there is one thing you can change. That is alcohol.

                              You can't fix your back and you can't fix what your employer and colleagues think of you. You also can't bring back someone who is dead or cure your depression.

                              You can stop drinking.

                              What will that do?It will remove some of the depression(al is the biggest depressent going), it may help you lose weight and also remember people in a positive light(AL is a right bugger for making you see all the bad points in everything and everyone).

                              So there is one way you can make a difference to your life here that will have positive effects on all the other things you have going on.

                              Comment

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