hi all i need to pour my heart out....

[girly wirly]

hi everyone.

sorry for repeating myself but i'll tell the whole thing for those not in the know! i work in the school that my kids go to. i have been off sick for 6 months due to chronic back pain awaiting an operation. i've shut myself in the house during that time and my depression and anxiety have escalated tenfold. as a result i can not go near the school, even the thought of going gives me panic attacks, so my family do school runs for me. the school are unaware of this and only think im absent due to my back.

lastnight my little girl was dancing for the school at the local theatre, i couldnt let her down so i went to watch. same as last week when i went to watch her sing, all the mams and staff were there. as soon as i pulled into the car park, the panic attacks started and the tears. despite my hubbys attempts to stop me, i forced myself to go inside for her and the seats had been allocated among my colleagues and other parents. i cried throughout the whole performance, even the twenty minute interval where the lights were on for all to see. on coming out i ran straight into my boss, who saw that i was sobbing, i made an excuse and shot off and cried until i fell aslee for the night. i feel like shit today.

i've had a phonecall from mental health this morning, i have an appointment tomorrow . because of my physical and mental condition i just don't see myself being fit to work in the near future and i'm wondering if packing my job in will help with the panic and i can get on with my life, knowing i have nothing to fear by going to school for my kids. however, when i was in my job, i made good friends and was always told i was excellent at my job, even though inside, i always felt a fraud. that one day i would be exposed for the useless sack of shit i am and be found out. but i was so proud to work there, it gave me self worth. i just don't know if trying to stick to a proffessional environment is good for me. maybe if i pack in now, my mind will improve? i think if i do, i will be devastated about losing my job and it will be just something else to berate myself for failing at!

i'm on day 4 sober. i cant bear any more of this depression and manic panic attacks. i know i'm like a stuck record but i'm desperate for advice. i need to feel better and quickly or my sobriety and life are at risk i think.

thanks for letting me vent, what would you do??

[hippie37]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

girly it sounds like you're in a real desperate situation with work here. I think you need to ask yourself though what's more important here. It sounds like your mental health is deteriorating due to the stress you're putting yourself under, hence the depression and panic attacks.

You're already giving yourself such a hard time about possibly losing your job, even calling yourself a failure. It hasn't happened yet and you choose to think of yourself as a failure because you're projecting into the future. You're never gonna get anywhere in life if you keep thinking of yourself as a failure. Doing the right thing for your own needs takes a lot of strength and courage. If that means walking away from a situation (in this case your job) then that is a step in the right direction. Only if it's right for you though. No one can tell you what's the best thing to do here, you have to make that decision for yourself. Being assertive around your own needs is actually empowering and has nothing to do with winning or losing or being a failure. The big problem with us drinkers is that we have little or no self esteem early on in sobriety. We still look to other people and things (including work) for validation of our self worth. We need to learn to cultivate our own self worth and stand on our own two feet. Your job doesn't make you who you are. You maybe good at your job, you may even love your job, but that doesn't make you the person you are inside. You really need to stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself a bit more. I actually tell myself in the mirror every morning "I love you!". I'm not being narcissistic here either! I'm just trying to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile person and I love myself for who I am. Try it!

If no one has told you are worth it today then let me be the first to do so because you are. We all are.

Many Blessings
Phil

[AMELIA]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Hi Girly,
I will echo what Phil has said above. We are all worth it. I mean, we all deserve to have happy fulfilling lives.
It sounds like you are fabulous at your job, so to me, it seems like such a waste to pack it in.
If I were you, I would look into the patterns of thinking that you have leading up to and during a panic attack. I have had panic attacks myself. Awful, stressfull and frightening moments in our lives. But, by talking to a counsellor and a panic attack specialist, I was able to see how my lifestlye (drinking too much) and my negative thinking was accelerating my panic attacks. It does boil down to how you are thinking about a situation.
If you would like, I could email you the reading material I recieved about panic attacks and how best to deal with them.....
Pm me if you want the notes.
Best wishes.
Amelia

[sunshinedaisies]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Oh girly, you sound SO sad - I just want to give you a big hug and tell you you ARE a wonderful person who is SO worth it. You just can't see it yet. Phil and Amelia have said all the good stuff but I just wanted to let you know that I care about you and think you are so special - you will get this sorted - I think Phil's idea of telling yourself that you love yourself is a good one. Hang in there Girly - give yourself a big hug from me. Sending lots of healing thoughts your way....

love, Jean

[jessie]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Girly, have you tried the EFT method? Emotional Freedom Technique.
Take care.

[tlrgs]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

ditto what phil said ... hang in there and believe in yourself ..you will start to feel better in time

[hart]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

(((Girly)))

I suffer from periodic panic attacks, so I know where u are coming from. There are meds that help. I urge you to go to the doc and explain your panic attacks, taking meds will lessen them and make them tolerable to CONTINUE LIVING. Alcohol does lessen the symptoms TEMPORARILY, but being drunk all the time, with the guilt, humiliation, etc., is no way to live either. There is help out there. Panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed of, but drinking will not help them or your life.

[techie]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Girly everything was so overwhelming for me until I got a few weeks AF under me. My anxiety and panic began to subside. My perspective toward my job, my family, and other responsibilities that seemed insurmountable became more manageable. You want to make good decisions. You do not want to make decisions under duress. Give yourself some time on the meds and with the support you now have. You may gain some better insight on what?s best for you when you have a clearer more focused mindset. Thinking of you and wishing you the best Girly Wirly! :h

[K9Lover]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Oh Girly :l
I am sorry you are having such a struggle! I have mixed feelings about the job, I know you are good at what you do, but it seems to be bringing on such anxiety....could you let this job go and possibly look for something else down the line? Maybe focus on yourself for a while before worrying about a job?
I am glad you are on day 4 sober...how are you feeling?
You're in my thoughts...please hang in there!
:h
K9

[Doggygirl]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Girly, I love what Phil said. We ARE all worth it.

Rather than try to make a career decision now in the midst of the anxiety and depression and all of that, is it possible you can continue on a extended leave of absence? Just a thought. We don't always have a choice, but if we CAN make significant decisions when we are in the best possible frame of mind I think that's optimal.

If that is not an option, I hope you will put yourself and your wellness in front of any job concerns. There will always be another job. There is only one "you."

DG

[franziasgone]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

I have a thought on this...

Girly~

What meds are you taking for your back? I had back surgery a few years ago and they had me on valium. Believe me- I've taken all kinds of pain relievers and muscle relaxers- still do. However, for some reason that valium had me SOOOO depressed I was crying constantly!!
Just a thought- it messed with my mind big time!!

[girly wirly]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

drank on the antabuse. that does what it says on the tin.

[spuddleduck]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

o girly, that wasnt a good plan. hope youre gonna keep taking it and NOT DRINK. you have to want this and im sure you do. you will deal with things so much better if you get AL out of your life. keep fighting it girly

[jessie]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Girly, I did the same - horrible experience not to be repeated ever again. Also, the combination of al and Antabuse destroys your liver- fastest way to get cirrhosis - please don't do it again, now you know.

[johnnyh]

hi all i need to pour my heart out....

Hey Girly...

Depending on how you're feeling. I would suggest one of either two things. If the experience was really horrid and you know it will keep you from drinking again then that is a lesson well learned. Then the Antabuse is doing its job.
If you know this will become a repetitive pattern now regardsless of how miserable it makes you, I would reconsider the Antabuse route. It's too dangerous. You're playing the fire.

Can you perhaps tell us what your experience was with the drinking on Antabuse? If for nothing else I think it would be helpful for other Antabuse users and hopefully keep them from doing the same.

Lots of hugs your way. You're suffering greatly and we do understand you and care for you. Hopefully this will be once off. You will be coping with things so much better or learn how to, when you're sober.