Hi All-
I am writing to get some things off my chest, and the strength to start over in a new city with a whole new life.
I have had problems fullfilling my obligations due to AL over the years. I have lost a few friends, disapointed many, and part of me despises myself for it.
I was living with a man I no longer loved until Jan. of this year. I left him for another man, who though he is wonderful, drinks a lot. I didn't need any encouragement to dive right into the habit of drinking every night with him out at the bars and whatnot. Even so, I doubt he is an alcoholic. I doubt he has the urge to wake up and have a drink just to calm shaking hands, feel a little better.
I am still young, and my life is not irreversably screwed. I have a chance to make a new start in a brand new city and earn a PhD, which is my life's dream. Unfortunately, my fear and uncertaintly put me in a dangerous tailspin in the past couple months. As the move date approaches, I find myself terrified of loneliness and failure in my new life.
The anxiety became unbearable, I took to drinking liquor all day instead of going to work. Someone said that alcohol abuse is supremely selfish, and I believe them. I missed days to weeks of work as the situation escalated, ending in an uncerimonious leave of abscence to end my days in a professional job I had for 6 years. The people I care about think I could care less about them, and they have had to work harder because I was to hung over/depressed to get out of bed. The panic just washes over me in waves as I lay there, unable to stop it.
I told my manager that I had a nervous breakdown. Not far from the truth. I can't make amends with most of my collegues, and I have to live with the guilt/hurt over that. My manager suggested I contact those I considered to be my friends, and I plan to do that, ask for their forgiveness. The parties they planned to throw for me have been cancelled, and I am leaving in shame. I even have to pick my stuff up in the middle of the night, rather than face them.
All of this, AL has done to me. I let AL do this to me. My worst fear was losing my job over this, completely falling apart. I am fortunate that I have the chance to get a fresh start while getting a PhD. My career should be just fine if I can pull it together. IF..IF..
So today I have drank one beer to stave off the worst of withdrawls. Eating is difficult, and not eating makes me weaker. Tonight I will stay home, or make a run for protein shakes. BUT NOT AL. I want to turn this terrible experience to motivate me to start a new life, a better life, with a happier/healthier me. All I ask is for support, as there is no one in the world I can be honest with outside of this site. Everyone is just too fed up.
Liath
I am writing to get some things off my chest, and the strength to start over in a new city with a whole new life.
I have had problems fullfilling my obligations due to AL over the years. I have lost a few friends, disapointed many, and part of me despises myself for it.
I was living with a man I no longer loved until Jan. of this year. I left him for another man, who though he is wonderful, drinks a lot. I didn't need any encouragement to dive right into the habit of drinking every night with him out at the bars and whatnot. Even so, I doubt he is an alcoholic. I doubt he has the urge to wake up and have a drink just to calm shaking hands, feel a little better.
I am still young, and my life is not irreversably screwed. I have a chance to make a new start in a brand new city and earn a PhD, which is my life's dream. Unfortunately, my fear and uncertaintly put me in a dangerous tailspin in the past couple months. As the move date approaches, I find myself terrified of loneliness and failure in my new life.
The anxiety became unbearable, I took to drinking liquor all day instead of going to work. Someone said that alcohol abuse is supremely selfish, and I believe them. I missed days to weeks of work as the situation escalated, ending in an uncerimonious leave of abscence to end my days in a professional job I had for 6 years. The people I care about think I could care less about them, and they have had to work harder because I was to hung over/depressed to get out of bed. The panic just washes over me in waves as I lay there, unable to stop it.
I told my manager that I had a nervous breakdown. Not far from the truth. I can't make amends with most of my collegues, and I have to live with the guilt/hurt over that. My manager suggested I contact those I considered to be my friends, and I plan to do that, ask for their forgiveness. The parties they planned to throw for me have been cancelled, and I am leaving in shame. I even have to pick my stuff up in the middle of the night, rather than face them.
All of this, AL has done to me. I let AL do this to me. My worst fear was losing my job over this, completely falling apart. I am fortunate that I have the chance to get a fresh start while getting a PhD. My career should be just fine if I can pull it together. IF..IF..
So today I have drank one beer to stave off the worst of withdrawls. Eating is difficult, and not eating makes me weaker. Tonight I will stay home, or make a run for protein shakes. BUT NOT AL. I want to turn this terrible experience to motivate me to start a new life, a better life, with a happier/healthier me. All I ask is for support, as there is no one in the world I can be honest with outside of this site. Everyone is just too fed up.
Liath
After a rocky 6 months of waiting for therapy and counselling I am now 3 weeks sober 
wl:
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