Please Someone, Shake Me!

[mandalay]

Hi, I am tapering off wine this week, finally, after two weeks of promising myself. Was AF from 30 December last year until mid May, then I had a blip, deliberately drank, and here I am, almost three months later struggling again.

No meds, can't get them here as the doctors won't prescribe them. I'm tapering off my 1 + bottle a night of red wine. Had just over half a bottle last night, left the rest in the fridge (figured it would be less appetising that way. Crazy I know). Tonight I've had about 3/4 of what was left (cold, not really nice at all!) but I am fighting with myself as I really want to go back out into the kitchen and pour the remaining small amount into my glass. I know that if I do that, I will not be AF free on Wednesday... and because I am going away from home to work by myself on Thursday and Friday, I am really scared that if I've not got one AF day under my belt, then I shall not resist the temptation when I am away by myself. At least if I can be AF on Wednesday, I hope I will be able to resist on Thursday and Friday. I'm in my bedroom, supposedly in bed, just have to get the will power to just switch off the computer, climb into bed and forget about the darned wine in the fridge.

Writing is helping, forgive my indulgence.

Mandalay

[greeneyes]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay, all that angst must be exhausting!! Focus on NOW. Just don't drink NOW. Frankly I'd go in the kitchen and pour it down the drain. That small amount has the potential to cause you large angst and/or guilt. Tomorrow you will feel better and stronger.

[mandalay]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Thanks Greeneyes.

I felt better as soon as I started writing. Just saving it for tomorrow because I am so scared of having a fit, and reckon if I reduce it each day, the chance is less likely. But I'm over the hump, and I'm going to leave it where it is! Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it!

[spuddleduck]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

hi madalay, im giving you a good shaking. youve done this before so you can do it again. good luck

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay consider yourself shook, now try and get your mind onto other things, read a book, watch tv or count sheep whatever it takes.

[angel77]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay,
I too am fighting with myself. Gahh it is horrible. I was looking through thread's here a few day's ago and found a really great post from a member, I can't remember who so hope they don't mind me borrowing it! When ever I am fighting with myself whether to drink or not, or craving (mentally or physically) I look at it and it really helps. I'll post it here for you. Hope it helps!

JUNKIE THINKING: One drink won't hurt.
RESPONSE: One drink will always hurt me, and it always will because I'm not a social drinker. One sip and I'll be drinking compulsively again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I only want one.
RESPONSE: I have never wanted only one. In fact, I want 5 or 10 or 15 every day. I want them all.

JUNKIE THINKING: I’ll just be a social drinker.
RESPONSE: I’m a chronic, compulsive drinker, and once I drink one I’ll quickly be thinking about the next one. Social drinkers can take it or leave it. That’s not me.

JUNKIE THINKING: I'm doing so well, one won't hurt me now.
RESPONSE: The only reason I'm doing so well is because I haven't taken the first one. Yet once I do, I won't be doing well anymore, I'll be drinking again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I'll just stop again.
RESPONSE: Sounds easy, but who am I trying to kid? Look how long it took me to stop this time? And once I start, how long will it take before I get sick enough to face withdrawal again? In fact, when I'm back in the grip of compulsion, what guarantee do I have that I'll ever be able to stop again?

JUNKIE THINKING: If I slip, I'll keep trying.
RESPONSE: If I think I can get away with one little "slip" now, I'll think I can get away with another little slip later on.

JUNKIE THINKING: I need one to get me through this withdrawal.
RESPONSE: Drinking will not get me through the discomfort of not drinking. It will only get me back to drinking. One sip stops the process of withdrawal and I'll have to go through it all over again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I miss drinking right now.
RESPONSE: Of course I miss something I've been doing every day for most of my life. But do I miss the pain of drinking right now? Do I miss the worry, the embarrassment? I'd rather be an ex-drinker with an occasional desire to drink, than a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it.

JUNKIE THINKING: I really need to drink now. I'm so upset.
RESPONSE: Drinking is not going to fix anything. I'll still be upset; I'll just be an upset drunk. I never have to have a drink. Drinking alcohol is not a need, it's a want. Once the crisis is over, I'll be relieved and grateful I'm still not drinking.

JUNKIE THINKING: I don't care.
RESPONSE: WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT I THINK I DON'T CARE ABOUT? Can I truthfully say I don't care about my pain? I don't care about having a hangover in the morning? I don't care about what I'm doing to my liver, lungs, kidney, and heart? I don’t care about all the people I’ve hurt. No, I care about these things very much. That's why I stopped drinking in the first place.

JUNKIE THINKING: What difference does it make, anyway?
RESPONSE: It makes a difference in the way I live, the way my heart beats, the way I feel about myself. It makes a tremendous difference in every aspect of my physical and emotional health.

Goodluck with everything

[Rusty]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay-try ordering some meds online with pharmacies like 4Rx or Goldpharma. Good luck with your journey. We're all here for you.

Angel-EXCELLENT post! THANK YOU THANK YOU. I am printing it as we speak.

[Dewdrop]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Hang in there Mandalay, you've done it before so you can do it again. Lots of great advice here so keep posting.

Dewdrop

[K9Lover]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay,
Instead of a shake I want to give you a big :l
I know the struggle! Oh, it's SO exhausting. The mental side of drinking is such a battle. I was closing in on 5 months AF when I messed up. What a mistake! Thankfully there was no long-term damage done (no DUI, no relationships ruined, etc.). The biggest damage was to my pride. So here I am back to day 1. Please hang in there and be willing to do whatever it takes. We are all here for you!
K9

[mandalay]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Thank you so much to every one of you guys who responded when I hit the panic button last night. I am really grateful to everyone.

Angel, who ever posted that in the first place - it's a great one to read over and over through this really difficult spell. The good news is that I did indeed climb into bed and ignore the demons in my head.

K9 - you and I share the honour of making it to 5 months then thinking we could just have one more. Knowing how long it was before I finally gave up back then, you would think I would have known better than to put myself through it all over again!

Dewdrop, you are right, I did do it before so I CAN do it again!

Rusty - I might end up ordering meds, thank you for the suggestion - though I understand that they often get stopped by Customs, though maybe my biggest fear is that my family will then know about my little 'problem.' I am going to try to do it without, though I must remember today to go and buy some L-Glut. How could I have forgotten that it helped me last time?

KTAB and Spuddleduck- thank you for the shake.

It was so good to wake up this morning (early, but sober) and realise that the one glassful is still there in the fridge this morning. I'll just take that as if it were medicine tonight in the hope that these 4 days of tapering will mean I can avoid any really bad withdrawals. I fele really positive today for the first time in a fortnight. Thank you so much for the support!

Mandalay

[Guitarista]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Good stuff Mandalay! Go for it.

Check out the 'Toolbox' thread here in the 'monthly abstinence' section.

I'm rooting for you. G-bloke.

[taytayhi5]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Great post

Angel,
AWESOME post!! Wow. I wish non drinkers could read that and truly understand those words are the conversations that go on in our head(s) daily! The internal battel. Aaarg.

K9 keep up the work! I hope AA works for you. It never really did for me. I always thought of it like this....I am divoriced but I check "single" on forms because I was divoriced one day a long time ago. Now I am single. I want to do the same with AL. I want to live in the present, not my past. In AA people see to hold on so tightly to that label and their story. I love the people I have met in the groups I have gone to. Some many wonderful, helpful people. I just wish I could get over that thought.... Not trying to discourage you!! I hope it did not come out like that! I pray you find the arms that welcome you into sobriety in your group!!

No matter how we get there we all want to be free in the same way!

Good luck!!

[mandalay]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Thanks, G-bloke!

Well, it's done, I am so relieved and so happy! I just finished my 3/4 little glass, and you can imagine the feeling I had! Fingers crossed I won't have any serious ill effects now that I have cut down quite slowly, feel really great. It's only 9.30pm, but I am about to hop into bed and hopefully get a bit of decent sleep.
God bless, everyone who has been here for me. It has really meant a lot!

Mandalay

[Guitarista]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

Mandalay,

You will still go through withdrawal don't forget, so keep an eye on it, depending how your body reacted the last time you stopped. See a doctor if you are worried, but anyway, this is your new beginning!

Best wishes.

[Guest]

Please Someone, Shake Me!

taytayhi5;958768 wrote: Angel,
AWESOME post!! Wow. I wish non drinkers could read that and truly understand those words are the conversations that go on in our head(s) daily! The internal battel. Aaarg.

K9 keep up the work! I hope AA works for you. It never really did for me. I always thought of it like this....I am divoriced but I check "single" on forms because I was divoriced one day a long time ago. Now I am single. I want to do the same with AL. I want to live in the present, not my past. In AA people see to hold on so tightly to that label and their story. I love the people I have met in the groups I have gone to. Some many wonderful, helpful people. I just wish I could get over that thought.... Not trying to discourage you!! I hope it did not come out like that! I pray you find the arms that welcome you into sobriety in your group!!

No matter how we get there we all want to be free in the same way!

Good luck!!

I think it depends on the people in the AA group. Yes there are those who go over their past story, until you know exactly what they are going to say each time. That's up to them and obviously if it keeps them from drinking that's fantastic. Then you have others who will concentrate on what's happened in their sobriety, as well as what they do/how they live life now. I get an awful lot from both types. The only way I've stayed sober is ODAT as well as remembering every day how bad things were, and part of that has been to face up to the things I did when drunk, the stuff that did happen. Everytime I realise or find out something else awful that goes down in my mental note book as a weapon against the urges.

Take whatever you can from whomever you can in the meetings to use in your own way, and of course giving it back is liberating in itself.

By the way how do you selectively quote from posts instead of having to pick the whole lot?never mastered that one yet!