help

[theshark]

feeling awful anyone willing to chat

[partner]

help

hi can someone help me...im not on here for me im here for my partner, he wont accept he drinks to much but last night he drank 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of sherry. this is the norm most nights. its getting worse week by week.
iv noticed it more since i lost my sister on the 18th of dec because of drink she was 49. it opened me eyes to what drinking can do to you.
we are due to get married in may and i just cant see this happening if i dont help him.
thankyou for reading my message.

[planetjanet]

help

Hi Partner,

Sorry to hear about your sister and your situation with your partner : ) I can understand what you are going through because my last relationship was with a guy who drank alot too....we both drank alot. Defining our relationship as "toxic" and enabling each other. In sparing you the "blah blah" details, I will just give you advice that I should have given myself. My advice is that maybe you express your concerns to him (again and again) and that you are willing to work him to maybe not drink too much and/or try to have a few days abstaining from alcohol. However, you have to set boundaries for yourself in helping HIM, HE has to be the one who can be willing to admit that there is a problem and it's up to HIM to do whatever it takes to stop....not you! You can be very supportive but again please set boundaries for yourself, this is HIS problem not yours...make sense? I hope so and May is still quite a few months away , alot can change during that time. I will strongly advise one thing to you, if he doesn't get help and continues to drink the way he does, don't "settle" and get married. Trust me, I wasted FIVE YEARS in this last relationship because I SETTLED and even though I DEFINITELY learned ALOT of lessons, my one regret was not getting out the relationship sooner.

I hope this helps and please keep us posted.

Lots of hugs,
Janet

[fennel]

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Partner, I'm so sorry about your sister. :l

If I were you, I'd put the wedding on hold for a while. You need to have a frank conversation with your fianc?e about his drinking. If he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and accept help/quit, I would cancel the wedding altogether.

Unfortunately, this is not the sort of thing that will go away or improve on it's own.

Have you spoken to him about his drinking previously?

[Bruunhilde]

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Shark, are you okay? You posted at 2am my time, so I'm a bit late in responding 13 hours later, but let us know how you're doing and what's going on.

Partner, I agree with Planet and Fennel. Focus on your sister and that terrible loss - do you want to go through that again? Protect yourself from this, don't be a co-dependent, don't enable him. He has to be ready to help himself.

Read up on this thread, https://www.mywayout.org/community/f4...tom-41330.html. It's great for realizing what people are going through and what they are doing to themselves, and what you might encounter if your partner doesn't hit the wall before you commit your life to him. He will go through hell and you will go through hell with him.

I hope I'm not a downer, but no matter how much you love him, you can't support his addiction while supporting your own life. Check out this thread for guidance:

Sheri;1045584 wrote: Here's some excerpts from another meditation I read this morning that I thought was really helpful in understanding why we shouldn't get involved in other people's business. I really, really LOVE the first one and want to plaster my walls with it to remind me that it's not personal when people don't agree with me and that I miss the important lessons when I turn it into something it's not.

Sheri

...Accepting the behavior and the opinions of our friends as legitimate for them allows our relationships to teach us tolerance and patience and love.

...We need other people. Our humanity is enhanced by our mutual experiences. But we also need to let others learn from their mistakes and their own experiences, rather than to help them avoid what they need for their growth. We hate to see our friends in pain. Our compassion is triggered when trouble trips them. But their journey must be inviolate. We'll only prolong their struggle by intervening where we aren't needed.

...It's hard to back away when a friend is in trouble. But telling them "I love and support you" may give them the strenth they need.

Bless you. Let us know how you do.

[partner]

help

hi all.
and thankyou so much for your replies...
nothings changed since i last came on but your advise has made me think very hard about my life and what i want, the loss of my sister was sudden and i couldnt think about anything else. but im getting there now.
my partner in my eyes will have to face up to his drinking or he loses me, i cant live and wont live my life watching him waste away, as much as i love him.
thankyou all and hopefully i will be back with good news next time.
hugggggssssss to you all.
diane. xxxx

[Wagoneer]

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Diane - best of luck to you. Hard decisions, but until he gets help, if you do get married and his behavior continues, your married life will be one struggle after another. You don't want that. Trust me. I know. And it's worse when you have kids thinking that will help.