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**prancy** · February 8, 2011, 08:35 PM

I am so sick of myself!

green eyes,
Thank you so much for your response. I remember you from when I was here before. I tried to answer you back through that private message but I don't know how to do that.
I appreciate the comment: never give up trying. Sometimes, it feels soooo difficult, but you are right. This time may be the trick.

**fennel** · February 8, 2011, 09:38 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi Prancy ...
Is there any chance your husband would go AF to be supportive of your efforts? It's so helpful when spouses /partners do so. Also, would you consider AA, SMART, or Lifering meetings? I've been attending SMART meetings and they've been helpful. Telling my friends has also been a positive thing - we had an AF Superbowl party and our friends were great about it. We had a good time!

P.M. me if you'd like more info...and don't give up. :l

**prancy** · February 8, 2011, 10:12 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi fennel.
I saw your post so I thought I could reply here as well. I also sent you an email.
Thanks for the suggestions. My husband is very supportive, but no I don't think he would go AF and all our friends drink a lot. But they are fun interesting people who don't have the problem that I do. They would be supportive of me. Completely!
It isn't them, it is me.....

**prancy** · February 8, 2011, 10:13 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Oh, and I have tried AA and don't like it at all. But I don't know about the other things and will look into them. prancy

**Lavande** · February 8, 2011, 11:02 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi Prancy,

Welcome back! Sorry you are still struggling.
I just wanted you tell you that once I realized that I had to change some habits, everything became much easier for me. I knew that I had fallen onto the habit of negative thinking (like my husband) and that had to stop. I found an online course called Habit Busting. It was very simple but effective. Follow through with it and in 28 days (or less) you will be thinking more positively, your confidence level increases & most anything becomes possible. Think about it

Wishing you the best!
Lav

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 12:46 AM

I am so sick of myself!

Interesting. I think I recorded that online course. And then I didn't really follow it though. I listed to a bit and then got distracted. Good idea! I will try it again. I'm desperate for anything that will help.

**Peacefull** · February 9, 2011, 07:08 AM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi Prancy,

Wow! We sound like twins, I just finished over 100 af myself and thought of modding again and went down the binge road quite quickly this time. I am picking myself up and dusting myself off with more resolve this time than ever. I started drinking again just before Christmas and had my last binge this past Sunday.

Let's beat this!!!:welcome:

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 11:53 AM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi Peaceseeking,

Thanks for the supportive words. I am definitely picking myself up and trying again. It is necessary that I am successful this time for so,so many reasons. I love the fact that you say you have more resolve. That is good to hear. Personally, I just feel sad and disappointed, but can't say I have found the resolve and confidence again yet. Don't misunderstand that last statement, however, I know I can't/shouldn't even think about drinking again. I just can't get my mind to a place where I can imagine my life forever without it. But yes, let's beat this! Thanks.

**southernbelle47** · February 9, 2011, 12:15 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Welcome back.
Have you read the Early Recovery from addiction thread on Just starting out. Sherri posted it and it is very helpful.

**Road to Recovery** · February 9, 2011, 12:28 PM

I am so sick of myself!

prancy;1056681 wrote: I joined this forum about a year ago when I was at the end of my rope. I was exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, and horribly hung over. I was told by my husband and daughter to do something about my drinking.

I found this forum with so many people with my same exact issues and I tried to take the good advise. I even purchased baclofen and tried that. I never found the switch but I hated taking that many pills every day.

But I did string together approximately 100 days AF. I was proud of myself and feeling great but I was struggling in social situations. I had scheduled a trip to Europe with my daughter and just couldn't conceive of going without drinking wine. I mean, Paris without wine!!!
So I did what good alcoholics do. I hid. I stopped posting on the forum. And I convinced myself that I could handle wine.

And for a while, I did. But all roads for me eventually lead back to binge drinking and embarrassing myself. OK, humiliating myself. Then I feel so horrible that I cancel all sorts of social engagements and hide until I get myself back under control. I lurked on the forum for several months, knowing that I was getting out of control.

What is different this time is that I feel hopeless. I feel like I have tried everything and failed. I am afraid that I will never learn to be AF and feel confident and comfortable again. We travel a lot and with friends and that always involves lots of drinking. And I can go along for a while but then it grabs a hold of me and I can't stop. I even had thoughts this time about how much easier it would be for others if I would just take some pills and go to sleep. Everyone, calm down, I am not saying I am suicidal. I would never do that to my family. I am just so tired to trying and failing. I need to know how to relax with others without drinking so I am not constantly on edge.

Any thoughts of help and hope will be appreciated greatly!

Prancy,
I am glad you came back - that is the key. Baclofen worked for me and as far as I can see on this forum - anyone that stuck it out. When you say you hated taking that many pills, I say - is the alternative working better? Not trying to be rude just saying that if you truly do want to be free and not care about alcohol anymore - baclofen is the answer... (IMO!)

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 01:01 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Southernbelle47,
Thanks for the suggestion. I read the article and it contains some good stuff.
I have tried AA and have not succeeded in the past. In fact, I have tried it several times and it does have lots to offer. But honestly, it doesn't seem to be the path for me (maybe because I am still trying to be in control, as the article suggests), but surely there are other groups. I have reached out to a professional for some help. I hope that is a good start. Thanks for the feedback.

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 01:06 PM

I am so sick of myself!

road to recovery,
I didn't mean to say that I wouldn't take the BAC, just that it seemed like a lot of pills and took a bit of coordinating to have a sufficient supply with you. I travel a lot and it scared me that I would run out and have some terrible reaction. For example, I am leaving for India in a month and will be traveling for six weeks. Not a reason not to take it, but a concern nevertheless. It also left me feeling pretty drugged, which I didn't care for, but you are right, the alternative is FAR worse. I still have some and took a few pills yesterday hoping it would help with the cravings and with the immediate physical recovery. But thanks for the reminder and no need to apologize for making the suggestion. I need all the help I can get.

**RedThread12** · February 9, 2011, 09:05 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Hi Prancy: Baclofen worked for me, too. I have traveled extensively since I started taking it in Oct. '09. And I've traveled most in India. The great thing about traveling in India is that you can go to any pharmacy and buy baclofen, anytime you want, no prescription.

Sounds like you have tried bac? It's not for the feint of heart nor for the unprepared; but, as Road says, it does work. Feeling slightly drugged vs. drinking to black-out, hang-over, etc., is not such a bad thing, IMO.

However; be wise with this, Prancy. You can't just "take a few pills." For bac to work you must make a plan for recovering your life and give it the significance it deserves. It takes time and perseverance, but it is so.o.o.o.o worth it!!!

With much love and respect, remember that your mind will tell you anything to avoid facing this addiction full-on. Don't believe it. Whether you choose bac or any other approach, you CAN find a way out. Feel free to pm me if you want support for bac-taveling. It's completely do-able. All the best.

**prancy** · February 9, 2011, 09:08 PM

I am so sick of myself!

Hey, that is really interesting about getting bac in India! Maybe I should take an extra suitcase....

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