Very scared!

[Want to Stop]

I have been trying to quit drinking for a few months now. I actually went 35 days without drinking, then Wednesday of this last week, I completely lost it. My addiction is not quiet or hidden. Most everyone is aware. I have many people in my life who want to help and have done everything in their power to do so. They can not understand why they can not help me stop and frankly, I am struggling with that myself. I am married to an amazing man who has stood by me through all of this. He has been there when I really did not deserve it. I certainly do not deserve his devotion and love at this point. :upset:
I have to stop. I have been to AA meetings, but I never truly bought in to the program. I never got a sponsor and I did not really work the steps. I plan to attend an AA meeting tomorrow. I am going to ask someone to be my sponsor. I am going to pray without ceasing that God's will be done in my life.

For some reason that I do not understand, I feel compelled to drink at work. That is when the cravings hit the hardest. Unfortunately, I have driven under the influence as well. I can not understand why I just do not wait until I am home to drink. Why do I risk everything? I am wondering if anyone else has a similiar story and can offer any information? My husband needs me to explain why I have done the things I have done. I want to be able to explain it as well. Please help!

[mollyka]

Very scared!

Welcome Wanttostop! Most of us here can recognise ourselves in your story, certainly I can. I too used to drink before/during and after work. It was a major trigger to me. Even before I stopped drinking I had to retrain myself about that, it was a calamity waiting to happen. I tell myself now that no one knew - now I s'pose maybe they did, never was mentioned or alluded to but..........
As regards 'explaining' to your husband ---- I don't thing alcoholism has an explanation really. Several times in my life when it would be obvious in advance that the very very WORST thing I could do in a situation would be to drink --- what did I do - of course??!
You say it yourself YOU HAVE TO STOP. That could be the most powerful tool in your armoury, when we have 100% determination to do this it makes it so much easier. It's the wishy-washy will I won't I attitude that will never ever work.
It's tough girl, but very very doable and it gets easier and easier (no room for complacency ever tho!) as the relevance of drink in your life becomes a distant memory. You are very lucky that you have a supportive husband - that too will help a lot. Involve him in your plan would be my advice - be realistic and honest with him. Men can be a bit black and white. Tell him there could be tricky times, messed up times etc. but that you will give it your best.
Hugs and best wishes - genuinely from me - and if AA works for you - better still
Molly

[Beachbump]

Very scared!

Welcome Want to stop.

Yes, think most of us can relate to what you are saying. I'm on day 16. Long way to go...drinking for more that 20 years. This was the first time that I REALLY admitted that I have a problem and the main reson why I had to admit is is because my drinking was killing me. The last time the going cold turkey was the worse ever and I really thought this was the end.

Since I admitted it, and got my health better I decided to do a real effort. What also helped me is that I talked about it. To my husband, to my children and on this forum. I reached out and there are a lot significant others in my life that want to help me. I cannot dissapoint them. On friday night we went to a fishbraai with my daughter and the church outreach camp that she is visiting near us in Mozambique. Most of the people were drinking beer because it is very hot and humid here and that is really the best for thirst... I was so temted. But my husband knew I quit as well as my daughter. She were in a rehab for 7 months because of alcohol and cocaine. She is out 3 months and her life is on track. How could I fail her? How could I show her that I was'nt as strong as she? I need to stay on track - not ONLY for myself but also for my love ones. Count you blessings for a supportive husband and STOP for yourself and the life you two have together.

Best wishes.

[coalfire]

Very scared!

Hi want to stop. I dont mean to make it sound easy but what happens if you don't take alcohol into work? Would that mean that you were forced to remain alcohol free in work or would you be able to nip out and get some? Work was the place I felt safe.Once I was in that door there was no chance of me being able to drink.There has been talk in MWO of raising our rock bottom.We all know that we have to stop. Its just a pity when someone loses their job/marriage and then stops.It would be great if someone could stop before that happened ie raise their rock bottom. It sounds like that is what you are trying to do.Its good that you are trying AA.Like the others said look at our toolbox. If you still cant stop then have a look at our meds section.People are having success with Baclofen Antabuse and others. Good luck.

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

Thank you!

I am very grateful for the kinds words of support and encouragement.
As far as taking liquor into work, I typically didn't. I had a job that often required time in and out of the office. Additionally, there was a great deal of freedom I clearly abused.

I am at such a low point. It is hard not to get caught up in the demoralization of this whole thing. I could I be so weak? I could I fail so many people? How could I hurt the one I love more than I could ever express? To see the pain and hurt in his eyes is heart breaking.

Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I need tremendous strength in the coming days and weeks. I am grateful to have found this board.

[ThisWayOut]

Very scared!

Welcome WTS, you have landed in a good place. Good people like yourself that share the same problem with Alcohol. We have lived and feel your pain. There is help here for you.

[coalfire]

Very scared!

Hi I want to stop.When most people join they come in at the point where they are full of self loathing and shame and self disgust.I would try to tackle that first.You cant beat an addiction when you feel like that. You don't become an alcoholic because you are a bad person or because you enjoy letting people down or hurting them.It is a biological illness. Take a look at this.https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ice-48742.html

Like any illness though eg diabetes you need to have a management plan in place to stop it from ruining your life and killing you. Thats where this forum excels.Its full of ideas to help you draw up a plan that would suit you.There are ideas coming out of every corner and they work. Every week or so we have a person who felt the way you did coming on and saying that they are now 1 or 2 years AF(alcohol free).There is no reason why you couldn't be one of them a year or so from now. I hope to be one of them next year.I am only day 63 but its a start.Its good that you have found AA. Some people like to look at addiction from a science angle too and we have a medication section full off suggestions for meds to try,how they work and how to take them.I hope you stay around and start drawing up a plan that would suit you and your life.There are lots of people who will help you to achieve your goal. Good luck.

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

Day 2

It is day 2. I am working on the self-loathing, shame and disgust part. I never imagined my life would look this way.
I am blessed to have not yet destroyed all the relationships with the people who love me, but they are tired. I am taking this one hour at a time.
I am thankful to have found this forum. It is most difficult when those who are not plagued by alcoholism do not understand and just want you to stop and want answers for why you can not. I have always been a strong person. It makes it very hard for those who love me to see me so weak. Frankly, I hate it too.
I really appreciate knowing that there are people who understand.
Thank you.

[theshark]

Very scared!

hi wts i too am on day 2 so i know exactly what your going thru,your very lucky to have your husband my wife thru me out 2 months ago,undrestanardly,because of my total selfishness whilst i was drinking i now realise what ive lost,pity its too late

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

Hi Shark! Congrats on day 2. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Please hang in there and keep trying. That is all we can do. One day at a time! With God's grace, that is what will get me through.

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

I have been reading the threads this morning and I find myself in so many of them. I started out drinking because it was fun. It made me the life of the party...or so I thought. Then it progressed into something I used to de-stress and reduce anxiety. Then I became so full of self-loathing and self-pity that I drank to numb those feelings. It is such a demoralizing thing. The social aspect of it was very big for me too. All my friends drink, but none of them seem unable to control it. In the beginning, I controlled it to some extent. That ability is gone! Additionally, I have lost my coping skills. I have to regain those as well.

There is also the issue of not wanting to impose any grief on my loved ones. I hate the idea of them having to change their behavior around me for fear I will lose it again. They love me and will do anything to help me, but I have already caused such pain...
I am also the type of person who wants instant gratification. I want things to happen now! As you all know, this is not the case with alcohol. I have to take this slow and deal with each day.

I have destroyed many fantastic opportunities all for something that made me feel worse about myself. There have been so many days I did not want to look anyone in the eyes, especially my husband. Even today, I am so ashamed and embarrassed it is difficult not to cry each time I look at him.
I know that with God's grace and time, I can be AF and avoid causing this sort of pain and stress on the one's I love. Thank God for this forum and all of you.

[caper564]

Very scared!

Hi want to Stop,
I too was a daily drinker. Morning noon and night. I work from home and would sit in front of the computer and have a beer or vodka next to my keyboard. I would drive to the liquor store and buy wine with Screw caps so i could drink it in the car on the way home. I would pour vodka into my empty coffee cup etc. Its a terrible life. I was lucky that nothing serious happened to me. I remember feeling the anxiety "what if I run out after the liguor store closes?" "what if i wake up at 3am and need a drink" which i did always. Shame and guilt were part of my daily life.
When you are ready to quit you will know it. You can do it! stick with MWO, It helped me take that first Giant step. (And the first one is the hardest step)

Caper

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

I felt like I was probably the only one who used my coffee cup to disguise Vodka. It is such a terrible feeling but I know the only way I will ever feel better is to stop drinking.

I am committed to stopping. I have to take all the steps necessary to stay AF one day at a time. I will never be able to moderate my drinking as that is okay as long as I don't take the first drink!
Thanks for your response!

[Cherbear]

Very scared!

Hey want to stop,

Did you go to the AA meeting??? I know for me, I tried tto stop a million times, not sure why but it has stuck for longer since going to AA.
It helped explain the insanity of AL, which you mention about drinking at work, drinking and driving.. it is all insane and we can't explain it while we are drinking. Hang in there, Maybe your desperation is enough this time.

[Want to Stop]

Very scared!

I have been going to AA meetings. They do help. It makes a world of difference to know I am not the only one who makes such reckless and insane decisions when drinking. I felt so alone when I was drinking. How could anyone be so careless and reckless? I just couldn't understand why someone who always made decent decisions and who always cared about the feelings an well-being of others could turn that off so immediately without thought! These forums and AA have helped me to understand that sickness better. I still have a tremendous journey ahead of me, but if I am AF, it will be much better.
Thanks for the support.