I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

[sunshine_gg]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Thank you, everyone... thank you for being here.

UK.. you are absolutely right. I know I need to get a grip and 3 days on, 3 days off has never helped. Isn't now, either.

I will get there. I'll be alright. Just need to find my mojo and stop being such a blubbering mess.

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Be gentle on yourself Sunni.:l

[Wagoneer]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunni - I am so sorry for all this loss. You are not a blubbering mess, nor are you weak. You have been through the wringer. I agree that grief couselling would be good (I should take my own damn advice too). I truly wish there was a way to make you feel better immediately, but only time heals these kinds of wounds. You are loved as was Sophie and your Mom. They are at peace and smiling down at you. I am sending you healing vibes. ((((((You)))))

Love Waggy

[gyco]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

life is what it is

sunshine_gg;1097632 wrote: Yes, I've been hiding out... because (you guessed it) I'm not ok.

I lost my mom 2 months ago. No, we weren't terribly close - funny enough, that doesn't make it any easier. I managed to get my papers in order to go back home and it was a wonderful trip, actually. Lots of family support, that I didn't expect. Still, so much guilt and so many questions.

Fast forward to a week ago. I lost Sophie. Plowed down in a freak accident. Left in a pool of blood. Granted, it's 'only' a horse. Only a pet. Whatever. She was so much more than that to me, though. Perhaps more than my mother? (There's the guilt again)

And, let's not forget Tom, who hung himself last September. Not sure I've really got over that one yet, either.

No.. I'm not ok. I'm not sure that/if I'm asking for help.. not like I don't know that my way of 'coping' isn't helping... just to let you all know.. I'm not ok. I'm hurting. I'm really, really grieving.. not sure I've ever done that before. It sucks. It really hurts.

hi sunshine,we cant change destiny, death is inevitable,i to am sorry for your anguish,its odd i was thinking of the same thing the other day,my mother died 38 years ago year, and my dad 33 years ago, that is older then some of the people here,the other odd thing for all the stuff we go thro i always wonder what they would say, do we over blow this life thing, i believe more so then in the past,:upset:lets face it even an a so called alchoholic knows when enuff is enuff, remember your special that is what they would say to me, and get on with the life you got left, never no when it s your turn,plus an xtra bonus your a northerner we are different i wish you well kid gyco:goodjob:

[Accountable for Me]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

((((SUNNY))), I am soooo sorry for your recent losses. Sending you so much love during this time. xoxo

[sunshine_gg]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sophie's story

For all that don't know... Sophie was a wonderful 35 year old Arab/x mare that I bought for Melissi almost 7 years ago. Back then, $300 could buy you a horse that had been abandoned by her previous owner. A bit scrawny and terribly head shy, she came to our family and taught Melissi how to ride and care for a horse. To our big surprise, the first vet visit revealed that our Sophie was not 19, as we were told, but at least 29. Well, no wonder then, she had a hard time with winters - we needed to make some changes to her feed and overall care. In time, she blossomed, put on weight, and lost that fear of her head being handled.

After having lost many battles with Mark (my Thoroughbred) and getting hurt, having surgeries, etc... I wasn't sure I'd ever really want to get on a horse again. Or do this whole horse thing at all. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But here was Sophie... ever so patient and ever so demanding at the same time.

After Mark left 'the farm' I started to really get to know Sophie. I started riding again. She babysat me when I had no confidence at all... and she challenged me when I did. She restored my love and faith in horses when it was all but lost.

When I first moved to the island on a 'trial basis', I left Sophie behind at my (and her) home for the winter - in presumably good hands. That was a mistake. Taking the first ferry crossing, 6 months later, I was devastated to find my horse skin and bones, biting, lice infected, and unhappy as can be. That same week I brought her to Manitoulin. Rescued her a second time.. this time from my own home. She was able to stay in a friend's unused pasture until Dave and I cleared a field by the house, overgrown with junipers, and put up a fence in a real hurry.

Boy, was she miserable. I poured food into her as fast as I could. I got her teeth done. I spent time with her. I worked with her. And low and behold, even that first summer on the island... that old girl aligned herself with the gate and looked at me... "Well? Are you going to get on?" So, I did. We only had a few rides here and there the last couple of years.... she didn't always feel up to it... but that was ok, too.

I had to board her over her first winter here, since we didn't have a barn up yet. I boarded her a second winter, too (this time with Atlas)... for the same reason. She continued to improve. Ever so slowly, the weight was coming back. She was feeling good. I was planning on a round pen ASAP, mostly to work with her and help her build muscle again... get some real exercise. I also planned all sorts of events. This was going to be the year. If there ever was a Western Pleasure Horse... Sophie was it.

2 weeks ago, when the first Spring 'run and buck' went through that little herd, Sophie was the wildest of the bunch. To see that 35 year old bucking up a storm because it was getting warmer... what a delight! She's had a wonderful winter, kept her weight, was healthy, and full of piss and vinegar. Just recently, she had taken up soccer. Almost every morning, after the mandatory nicker and neigh greeting, she'd toss her feed bucket out the opening of her stall... "Hurry up, mom! I'm HUNGRY!" Also, very recently, she'd displayed an interest in dog food I never 'lead' her out of the barn... I waited until she was done eating and then asked her to step out into the aisle. I walked ahead to open the dutch doors at the end of the aisle and recently found her trailing (really far) behind to stop and grab a mouthfull of dog food on the way. What a girl! There's so much, I could say about her. She wasn't necessarily a 'pretty' horse the last 3 years.... not on the outside, anyways. But, God, she was sooo beautiful on the inside. Stubborn as a mule at times (and the ears to match), and yet, there was something so regal, so refined, so sensitive, so... Sophie... about her.

Good-bye my beautiful friend. I wish I could have known you all your life and I so wish you had had a better, easier life. You were bearing scars from long before we met. In the end, there was only one thing left I could do for you.

You are a one of a kind horse - one I will always cherish and who will live on forever in my heart.

Going to the barn and hearing only silence.... not my "About time, Mom!" greeting is difficult. I just plain miss you so much. And I HATE the thought of you having to have suffered. You didn't deserve this. You have given so much, over and over. I should have stayed with you. I should have been there. I should have made the call hours earlier. I'm so sorry. And I just damn miss you so much.

[JackieClaire]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Oh,GG, I'm so sorry,hun :l

[Grateful]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunny...my heart is breaking for you.:l

[choppersmom]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunni ~ I'm so very sorry for all your losses! Thank you for sharing Sophie's story. Take care of you my friend. Thinking of you :l:l:l

[fennel]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunni, you've taken an emotional "triple punch". I'm so sorry about all of your losses. :l As for animals we love, they leave a void as huge as any human companion. Please take care....:h

[dancelot]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunny - I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother and your beloved Sophie. As a horse lover, I cannot imagine how painful that would be. That's an incredible amount of grief, and in such a short time span. Please be kind to yourself. :l:l:l

[spuddleduck]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

gg im so sorry. i can feel your pain. i have no more words of wisdom to offer you but i hope you get through this. im glad you have told us about it so we can all send loving thoughts to you x

[Guitarista]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

That's a great post you've written about you and Sophie Sunny. Thank's for sharing.

I was going to suggest just before i read it, that writing our thought's, experiences, stories about loved ones who have passed away, can be really helpful in my experience. Hard, but it has been helpful for me in the past, just as an outlet to let some emotion 'run'.

Take it easy. x

[Cinders]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunny,

What a beautiful tribute to Sophie. I sit here welling up and my heart goes out to you.

I, too, know that kind of love and loss.

I hear guilt at the end, "I should've..."

You must let that go. I know from personal experience about that. I won't go into it but trust me, I know.

Sophie met a beautiful soul when she met you. Remember that. The hours spent tending to her needs, carefully nursing her to health and happiness. She loved you. That love will always stay in your heart, God gave it to you and He gave it to Sophie.

The ends are always difficult. She would have mourned your loss as much as you mourn hers.

I cannot stress enough, that over time, you will feel less sorrow at her loss and more gentle smiles at her remembrance.

Please stay with us, Sunnibutt. Hang on to your friends here. Get professional counseling if you can.

But, I ask you please, to remember that nothing in life is perfect except love. :l

Cindi

[Cinders]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

For our dear Sunny

Sunny,

It is odd how the universe comes together. I hadn't listened to this song in years and years. Last night I stumbled onto it.

This morning when I read your tribute to Sophie and your sadness, I was hit right in the stomach. I thought of you and last night.

This song was sung at a Nascar driver's tribute after he was killed in a car wreck.

I hope this gives you some little bit of solace.

Here are the lyrics and the song.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK9Ap7SJeZE[/video]]YouTube - the dance-garth brooks

Love,
Cindi