I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Hi Sunni~Just read your history with Sophie and I wish I could be there to wrap you up in my arms and comfort you. Hang on to all those wonderful memories and take comfort in knowing her life was so enriched by your love and care. Let go of being responsible for what was beyond your control and know you did your best. Please take care of yourself dear heart. xo:l:l:l

[sunshinedaisies]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Sunni - that was a beautiful tribute to Sophie - thank you for sharing it with us - you gave her some happy times with you, which she wouldn't have had otherwise. Sending lots of hugs to you my friend :l:l:l

Love, Sun XX

[Cherbear]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Isn't it funny how it is so hard for us to give ourselves permission to grieve or have any feelings that aren't "happy happy" feelings. This is true life at its essence, embrace the feelings. I know for me that is something I've been dealing with that makes me drink..

[sunshine_gg]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Cinders;1100129 wrote: Sunny,

It is odd how the universe comes together. I hadn't listened to this song in years and years. Last night I stumbled onto it.

This morning when I read your tribute to Sophie and your sadness, I was hit right in the stomach. I thought of you and last night.

This song was sung at a Nascar driver's tribute after he was killed in a car wreck.

I hope this gives you some little bit of solace.

Here are the lyrics and the song.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK9Ap7SJeZE[/video]]YouTube - the dance-garth brooks

Love,
Cindi

Omg... speaking of songs... soooo stupid, but while I was waiting in the vet's office (the one that came with relief), this song was playing on the radio.. and I have not been able to banish it since.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg[/video]]YouTube - Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Thank you SO much.. all of you. I feel like such a complete fool.. so unlike me.. just so terribly ungrounded...

A thought that occurred to me today... perhaps all of this is connected with an 'empty nest' syndrome as well.. not sure. I'm seriously questioning my 'place' right now.. for so long it's been me and the kids. Or 4-legged kids. All of the ones that really needed me have seemed to have left.. one way or another. Don't get me wrong.. Matt (my son) has finally found his feet and actually is a pleasure to be around these days... but my daughter and peanut have moved 5 1/2 hours away now... and Sophie is gone.. what is left for me to do? To take care of? What's my purpose now?

Even when visiting my parents last summer.. my dad kinda made sure that I was the primary caregiver to my mom.. (I really think it was his way of making us bond).. and it worked.. I kinda felt responsibility when I left.. again.. my mum is gone now.. what's left for me? Where do I fit? I'm just not sure...

[Lavande]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

I couldn't hold back the tears when I read about Sophie, tragic!

I totally understand your thoughts about 'where do I fit in' - have been dealing with the same thing. My kids do live closer but are totally independent (which is a very good thing). Still I wonder everyday day ~ just what am I supposed to be doing at this point

One thing I do know for sure is that we need to focus on taking care of ourselves as well as we took care of everyone else :l

:h Lav

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

You are allowed to find new ways to enjoy life. Not the way you maybe foresaw it happening, but it's what you need to do now. xo I love that song too. I have their cd. xo

[Jolie]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

RC has wonderful advice. Grieving over a loss is hard but it has to be done - part of the process of healing. I believe we all have purpose in life and I feel certain something will come along to give you that feeling again Sunni.

Lav - you are always the most giving person at MWO and I think maybe sometimes we (the rest of us) forget that while you are always so supportive, you are human as well with questioning what's happening in your life.

Sunni - you were the best mother in the world to Sophie and she is looking down on you from horse-heaven and hopes you will heal soon and be happy again!

[sunshine_gg]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Thank you, Cindy... I didn't have a chance to really listen to that song until today... you're right, it very much captures what I feel.. or should feel. I'm just so incredibly sad... so very lost without my old girl.. and I know this doesn't make much sense There have been other losses the last few months and I have another horse... it doesn't make sense that Sophie's death seems like the end of the world for me.. but it does.

[sunshine_gg]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

** Update **

Hey guys :l

Thank you for your PMs, for your concern, for just being here.

I suppose things have got a bit better. I still miss Sophie like the dickens. But I've also spent a lot of time with Atlas this past month (with professional trainers, etc) - so, I am coming to terms with his role in this whole fiasco. Unfortunately, I also learned this past weekend, that the new dressage saddle I bought for him, doesn't fit. Damn.

Anyways, I'm not drowning in a barrel of booze.. I'm still quite busy with work and the 'barn raising' is a week away. I'll be honest... I do feel a bit deflated. So much of what went into the planning of this barn was based on Sophie's needs. I guess, I will have to recover my enthusiasm for this project at some point.

My mom's final autopsy report came back... and amongst many other things, there also were strong indications of Alzheimer's. I guess, that'll be something to bring up with my doc the next time I see her.

On a great note, my son is doing beautifully! I almost don't want to say it and/or jinx it.. but , man, what a difference! I almost recognize my boy again! Now, my daughter (right now) is a whole different story.... but I've got my hopes up.

Peanut is sick right now, but otherwise doing well. What a gorgeous, delightful ray of sunshine (when he's not sick)!

[mylife]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Hi Sun!

I'm so sorry to hear what a bad time you've been having lately. That is a lot of loss for anyone to deal with.

Sending you strength and prayers. :l

[fluff]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Hi Sunshine-I'm glad things are starting to look up for you-hope it keeps getting better!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Hey GG lovely to see you post, enthusiasm for life will come back hun, just give it time. Hope little p'nut is better soon.
R'grds from uncle KT

[mama bear]

I'm not ok.. I'm sorry

Oh sweet sunshine...how did I miss this post? My heart is breaking for you and I TOTALLY underfstand how you feel.
My boys have all grown up and don't need me now....not like they used to, anyway. It makes us feel sort of lost.
All my love and support to you and the peanut!!