Major emotional pain

[choice]

I won't drink because I'm scared of hurting myself if I do. I've had 2 valume and wish I could fall asleep. I've tried calling a few suside hotlines but the lines are busy. I'm not sure where to turn. I can't turn to the bottle. I would if it would help but I'm so scared I'll drink myself to death if I start. Im almost 8 months sober. My father is in town and I feel like the little kid on the stoop waiting for his attention. His wife is taking charge of all of his plans and I've been scheduled out. My fiance's mother is demanding his time right now so I am spending my evenings alone. and I am lonely and craving drink majorly. I'm not doing very well right now. There is no AL or smokes in the house. I've worked too hard to get here. Any help would be wonderful. Thank you.

[choice]

Major emotional pain

Thanks Molly. I am in for a rough night just wish I could fall asleep. I've caught myself talking to myself... and pacing the house shutting down and in dysfunction. I will be relieved when I don't wake up with a hangover. I hope. I want to scream. Maybe into my pillow. thanks for the support.

[Cassia]

Major emotional pain

Hi choice,

Firstly, I am so sorry you are having a hard time just now. It does seem like a shitstorm has hit you at once. I hope things are better soon.

You made the first big and courageous step by posting on here that you are struggling! Well done you. You have been here eight months so you know how great the support is here and I am sure you will get a lot of fantastic advice.

Lets break whats happening down into more manageable chunks. The situation with your dad is bad and quite frankly, his wife is a moo cow for not including you in their plans. Can you contact your dad direct to see him? Maybe even a phone call to wherever he is staying. Just bypass his wife. He is your dad and you are a priority.

As far as your bfs time, without knowing the situation I cant really comment as to the best way to handle his mom
monopolising his time. Could you sit down and tell him you miss him and your time together. Is there anyway you could help out the situ with his mom?

As for loneliness...that's difficult. I have single friends who get lonely and this is going to sound like such cliche but they are getting involved in hobbies and things they want to do for themselves. For example, my mate got a personal trainer at the gym and my other friend joined a film club. Is ther anything you particularly want to pursue? Now could be the ideal time.

Peace and strength to you babes!

Xx

[tlrgs]

Major emotional pain

hey there choice and thats what you have is choice you have almost 8 months hang in there .. if you cant sleep then type and keep on typing let your feeling out by posting and rememeber you are so worth every litttle bump ,up's and down's but you will come out of this one even stronger ... sending big bugs and prayers girl

[Chillgirl]

Major emotional pain

Aww Choice :l Im so sorry you are feeling so bad, i wish I could comeover and keep you company. Is there a friend you can call? You need a positve distraction to take your mind away from these thoughts. Well done for not drinking! I hope maybe by now you are alseep and things wont look so bleak in the morning. I think you need to tell your Fiancee how low you are feeling and hopefully he will be more supportive.

Well done for reaching out here for help. 8 Months AF is an awesome achievement and you have done amazingly! You know yourself that the booze would just add to your troubles and never solves anything. Hang in there and please keep checking in...

[Guitarista]

Major emotional pain

Hang in there Choice. Do some slow, deep, long breathing if you can. Rug yourself up and go for a walk to break things up. Be very proud of your 8 months AF. That is a tremendous accomplishment.
Tomorrow is another day.

Best wishes. G-bloke.

[vintage girl]

Major emotional pain

Hi Choice, I just wanted to show my support. What you are going through right now sounds awful, but you are strong. You have had eight months AL free so you are strong. Please keep that in mind.

I hope today is a better day for you. :l

(PS Sheri? Thanks for that link. Very useful!)

[choice]

Major emotional pain

Thank you for the responses I started a few threads last night when I was feeling this bad because I was really scared. I'm still shaky but It is physically easier to deal with without AL. Emotionally I'm very disoriented. This is when I normally would have drank until blackout last night and woke up and got a 12 pack... I would be on a bender until I got sick of the booze physically. Then just be "raw" for a week and go on with my life... of course until the next time. I'm so glad this place exists because I don't feel as alone. I'm back in NZ so no don't have many friends and no one to call. I did spend a lot of time on the phone to Mexico (mom) yesterday. My fiance has no idea what's going on as I'm putting on a mask. He is having just as many problems with his mom right now.. and he is also barely able to get himself to work. I don't work so I'm going to try and not burden him with what I'm going through at the moment I just feel too crazy and I'm worried we will get in a fight to let off all of our steam. I don't think either one of us can handle that right now. I know this isn't the healthiest way to handle anything but now that we are both sober we are like fish out of water regarding new ways of coping etc. Looks like I'm going to need to work on myself again so I can keep to my plan of staying sober. thank you

[Doggygirl]

Major emotional pain

Hi choice. I just now saw your thread. I'm so glad for you that you made it through a very tough night and hung onto your sobriety. That is priceless!!! You are figuring out how to do whatever it takes, and thats....what it takes. I hope you will keep coming here and reading and posting when things get tough.

Hopefully when things feel a bit calmer you might consider some of the suggestions i.e finding some hobbies of interest - someplace where you might make some new friends? I think it's helpful to have a support sytem beyond just family? That's what works for me at any rate.

Wishing you well for another sober day.

DG

[choice]

Major emotional pain

Thanks DG,
I'm logged in to MWO right now because I can't get through on the suiside hotline. I'm so embarrassed. What sucks is I do have a ton of hobbies that I do and enjoy but it's not helping today. I guess that is just (hopefully) for today. Friends are back in the states. I've just got to be patient and make new ones here. I have met a few but honestly I don't know them well enough to discuss my AL problem or depression. I fear I'd scare them away. I also feel reluctant to call friends in the states because of the state I'm in I don't want anyone to worry. I've taken one valume this morning. So hopefully that will calm me to make the next call to my dad. These thoughts are odd. I need attention but I don't want anyone to know I don't really want to die I just want the pain to stop. It's I guess a dramatic way of putting it I guess. I don't know. I'm going to try the hotline again so I can figure out how to get the help I need person to person or on the phone. Thanks for listening. I'll get through this, but it helps to have contact even if it is on the computer.

[Cassia]

Major emotional pain

Hey choice,

I live abroad too and I would be devastated if my friends in the states were going through a hard time and didn't lean on me. Sure, I would worry but I would much rather be in the loop then out of it.

Just a thought babes! You are doing well...just let it all out! X

[choice]

Major emotional pain

Hi Molly,
yeah work is totally an option. I've had a few crap jobs here that just didn't work out but haven't given up hope. The only reason why I got them was to meet people and to have extra money for art supplies. Thing is I'm an artist so I am working all the time on art. I'm just isolated. There really is no way getting around that but I've taken some art classes just to meet people that's been good in the meeting people area... just it's I have my degree so it kinda felt like arts and crafts.. not trying to run down the place or the people in the classes- The only way to find friends I can relate to is to do these types of things and keep putting myself out there... that's how it worked for me in the states anyway.. and it didn't happen over night. I feel kinda boo hoo me- argh!! I'm a resident now so can get the better rates on getting my masters but that's a way off. Just gotta hang in there for this week I guess... ARGH! i hate feeling like I'm failing. i refuse to give up my 8 months sober... I'm just so very very scared I'll plunge off the wagon. I have fantacys of getting a hotel room and just escaping into a drunken blackout for a few days. I need to type that because thats where I'm at. Oh my god I am rambling. Thanks again

[Doggygirl]

Major emotional pain

choice, would you ever consider going to an AA meeting? One of the huge advantages I find going to AA is a room full of people who are exactly like me. It helps me so much to have one place I can go, and look into the eyes of other people who completely understand me.

Just wanted to toss that out for consideration..

DG

[choice]

Major emotional pain

Yes Sheri I've been told by my doctor that I have post-traumatic stress disorder. This would enrage my father. I don't have to call him but the problem is I sent an e-mail for him to call me and he did... now I'm scared to call him back? What is wrong with me?? I felt rejected by his wife.. so I contacted him directly... and he got back to me now I'm scared he did I am so screwed up in my head at the moment that I don't know what is real and what isn't.

[Cassia]

Major emotional pain

Well said Sheri!

Choice - I echo was sheri has said too. You don't have to call him back if you don't want to. And if you do, beet to have an escape plan if it becomes too much...

Big hugs!

X