Today is the lowest day in my life, all due to drinking. I've been a binge drinker for the last 15 years. It started off just once a week, but in the last 5 years it's increased to 2-3 a week. I've been unemployed the last 2 years which means some days I'll start at around noon and drink until I'm completely wasted by the evening.
I'm in my late 30's and single. Single child with supportive parents. No history of alcoholism that I'm aware of in my family. I've had self esteem issues all my life with I think some depression.
The last six months have been really hard. The feeling of being worthless is at times overwhelming. I call myself a loser out loud on a daily basis. I drink to numb the pain and to just forget. When I really tie one on I usually blackout. Recently though I'm become very aggressive while drunk.
Last night I was at my gf's house. We were just going to hang out, make dinner and watch some movies. I brought over my booze and started drinking heavily. I hadn't eaten all day so the effect was that much stronger. At some point in the evening I started a fight with her and it got physical to the point where it left bruises on her arms. I don't remember any of it. I woke up on her couch to an empty house with her brother wailing at the door. I didn't answer and left shortly there after. Drove home (probably still drunk). I spoke with her today and did my best to apologize. She sort of accepted my apology (she's aware of some of my issues), but said she's scared now and doesn't want to see me in person. I told her I understood and would give her whatever space she needed.
Today my anxiety is through the roof. Spent the day in bed just losing my mind. I can't believe I was that out of control. I knew I probably had a slight drinking problem but this is over the top. I've never done anything like this before. I'm truly scared, worried, and feel absolutely worthless.
Most of my problems over the years were due to my drinking. Totaled two cars, lost friends, sleeping with the wrong people, and so many embarrassing moments I can't even count them. It's truly a miracle that I was never arrested, or killed myself or others. But it's gone to a new level now and I need to address this.
Started looking for answers over the internet and stumble onto this site. Spent several hours reading over other peoples struggles, and I thought I would share my story in hopes to get some answers, support and ease this anxiety that's at times is unbearable. I'm having suicidal thoughts for the first time, but that really isn't an option because it would absolutely destroy my parents.
I think my issues don't stop with just alcohol. I think I'm depressed as well. Being unemployed haven't helped either. I'm way in debt, and I don't see a way out.
I'm vowing to stop drinking for a while until I straighten things out. I called and left a message with a local therapist and will hopefully get to see her monday. I don't think quitting drinking will be that difficult for now, but the sense of worthlessness is getting hard to deal with. I've always considered myself a good person deep down but now I'm not so sure.
I'm really not sure what else to do, but I can't continue feeling like this for much longer. I'm such a loser.
I'm in my late 30's and single. Single child with supportive parents. No history of alcoholism that I'm aware of in my family. I've had self esteem issues all my life with I think some depression.
The last six months have been really hard. The feeling of being worthless is at times overwhelming. I call myself a loser out loud on a daily basis. I drink to numb the pain and to just forget. When I really tie one on I usually blackout. Recently though I'm become very aggressive while drunk.
Last night I was at my gf's house. We were just going to hang out, make dinner and watch some movies. I brought over my booze and started drinking heavily. I hadn't eaten all day so the effect was that much stronger. At some point in the evening I started a fight with her and it got physical to the point where it left bruises on her arms. I don't remember any of it. I woke up on her couch to an empty house with her brother wailing at the door. I didn't answer and left shortly there after. Drove home (probably still drunk). I spoke with her today and did my best to apologize. She sort of accepted my apology (she's aware of some of my issues), but said she's scared now and doesn't want to see me in person. I told her I understood and would give her whatever space she needed.
Today my anxiety is through the roof. Spent the day in bed just losing my mind. I can't believe I was that out of control. I knew I probably had a slight drinking problem but this is over the top. I've never done anything like this before. I'm truly scared, worried, and feel absolutely worthless.
Most of my problems over the years were due to my drinking. Totaled two cars, lost friends, sleeping with the wrong people, and so many embarrassing moments I can't even count them. It's truly a miracle that I was never arrested, or killed myself or others. But it's gone to a new level now and I need to address this.
Started looking for answers over the internet and stumble onto this site. Spent several hours reading over other peoples struggles, and I thought I would share my story in hopes to get some answers, support and ease this anxiety that's at times is unbearable. I'm having suicidal thoughts for the first time, but that really isn't an option because it would absolutely destroy my parents.
I think my issues don't stop with just alcohol. I think I'm depressed as well. Being unemployed haven't helped either. I'm way in debt, and I don't see a way out.
I'm vowing to stop drinking for a while until I straighten things out. I called and left a message with a local therapist and will hopefully get to see her monday. I don't think quitting drinking will be that difficult for now, but the sense of worthlessness is getting hard to deal with. I've always considered myself a good person deep down but now I'm not so sure.
I'm really not sure what else to do, but I can't continue feeling like this for much longer. I'm such a loser.
Comment