Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

[ATLThrash]

I am sure that as problem drinkers/alcoholics we have all struggled with relationships in our lives and the effect booze has on them. My problem is different but I am sure that many of the members have it. Here goes. I have always been a good girl, high achiever, perfectionist. However, for whatever reason my mom has had a problem acknowledging any of my accomplishments. Okay-- whatever -- I am an adult-- but of late she has made some particularly hurtful comments regarding my appearance and me not working (I used to be a lawyer now I take care of my little boy-- which is in fact work but not in her eyes). Last weekend was my son's bday. After a year of her not coming over to see us, she finally did (we had trips scheduled to them but frankly she would either come up with excuses as to why we should not come-- all the while putting on the guilt because we then chose to do what she said and not come-- or because my therapist thought the trips would come to no good end with the cristicisms-- and I needed not to have stress with the drinking and anxiety issues I had). It was also my birthday as well. I was very stressed as we had a house of company so I guess I was sensitive. At any rate, my mom began going on about the size of my arms (??) and other pointed jabs. I had decided in advance to be the bigger person and not take the bait. In fact I had decided that for the sake of my son and my father that I would just take it forver and not address it-- addressing it has done nothingt in the past and since I know I cannot change her I chose to change my reaction- - I might feel hurt but for teh sake of my dad and son I was going to take it in limited amounts at least. Anyway, after she left I did email one of my friends who works long hours (that is why I did not call her instead) and shared with her how hurt I felt after the weekend, how my birthday had been ruined and how I felt bad but I wished not to see my mom for a while but that I felt bad because my dad was so kind and that she was running the ship so he could not just take off and come see us. Tonight she called and said she had had an email "pop up on her screen"-- it was from my friend who I had written about all this. It is an email I did not receive though it contained everything I had written to the friend but not her latest reply to me. Needless to say it had loads of stuff about my mom , she read it all and called to ask me how she had been cruel. She had read the whole thing. She also told my dad who, only having heard our conversations in front of others , thought i was imagining it and that I must have had a "psychotic break" (I know this idea in fact originated from my mom-- I have some history of depression and if I ever see anything differently from her she floats the "psychotic break" theory out there.) I have tried to get in touch with my friend to tell her what happened but she does not know my mom's email address, my maiden name, has never been on a group email with my mom or anything else where it could have been forwarded inadvertently. I have no clue how it got there but now my mom and dad are in a uproar-- things are even worse than before and I really want a drink. Before I do that I decided I would post-- I am just so upset--how could she have read my private email , how did it get there? Now I feel like things went from bad to horrid and I just feel out of control-- it is not like I posted on facebook or a blog-- this was to a friend who does not know my mom AT ALL. I am sorry to run on, eel like a big baby, but my husband who is so direct says-- well, that is what you thought-- so who cares if she knows? But as you all know, some things you think you do not want to say-- it is not two faced but rather just that I was trying to smooth things because to delve deeper was going to just make things so much worse (and might lead me to drink). Thanks for listening to the ramble!

[kaza]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Oh you poor Darling
How very upset you must feel. I thoroughly understand where you are coming from and how very hurt you're feeling right now. I am at a loss to know how your email popped up on her (your mother's) screen. Take a step back and take some very deep breaths and think only beautiful thoughts. In other words concentrate on breathing slowly and connecting with your inner self. You don't need that drink (although if it were me I'd be thinking and feeling exactly the very same way). There are so very many people here that will be feeling for you too. I can relate to a lot of what you say because my mother (who passed seven years ago) was very, very similar. She always compared me to my sister and never had a good thing to say about me or my profession which at the time was also in law. I spent years trying to come to grips with it and always avoiding any confrontation with her (which is easier said than done I know). Eventually my Dad left my Mum and my Dad and I remained very close (until he passed 18 months ago). I have a stepmother whom I truly adore and who was with my Dad for many, many years and is now struggling to come to terms with him being gone. However, my sister and brother are extremely vitriolic to my step mum and also to me. So I took a huge step backwards from my brother and sister - who I found were really only poisoning me and my life. My life now centres around my wonderful husband and his equally wonderful family and of course our equally lovely children (well I still call em kids but in reality they are grown ups - in fact they are probably more grown up than me. As Happy and Mauri will tell you , I'm always up for a laugh and some fun, we only have one life and we must try and make the most of it. I lost a husband years ago from a massive heart attack and I have learnt so much over the years. Because I decided after all the put downs thrown at me to change me and learn to enjoy life and all its challenges, seize every moment and enjoy it, which I really try very hard to do. I stopped letting the put downs and comments get to me and although it took a lot of hard work and a lot of help from my hubby and family I did it. I'm not saying that you should do the same and distance yourself from your Mum, but try so very hard to concentrate on your inner self and your immediate family first. Try meditating My Happy Place does it and she can tell you all about it, as well as yoga, once we start to believe in ourselves we can do anything. I too have a drinking problem that's why I'm on this site and I have found such love, care, sympathy and friendship here, that I am on the road to beating my problem. Although I know I will always have a drinking problem I have chosen not to drink, I have chosen to come here to my friends at MWO who are always there and we help each other. So please ATLThrash, don't give in, it will only make things worse. Concentrate on you, hubby and son, and maybe check in here for more support when you can. I promise you will not be disappointed. And by the way dear girl, Happy Birthday to you and your son and Love and Sunshinte Always. Kaz x

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Thanks kaza-- I am now just afraid that anything I write at all including here will go to her. That is an isolating feeling because this site and emails have allowed me to express myself and not feel so isolated and alone in my problems. Now I feel more alone than ever--my husband is great but sometimes I need the ears of others-- and email seemed to be agood way from time to time to seek help because even if I was going on and on the friends I was writing could choose to respond in their own time or not at all if they wanted. If anyone out there knows anything about computers-- my husband said it could be a virus that hijacked the emails-- my friend who wrote it did get back to me, told me she sent an email today but that it is not showing in her sent mail. I never got the note and I have no clue as to whose computer has the issue-- this is a note that I neverreceived from her-- but she did not have my mom's email address, that would be in my address book. I guess I will see if it happens to any other notes. I just asked my mother to forward any thing she receives here since my husband does work from home at times and would need the notes. If it happens on a wide spread level I feel like some friend will let me know they got a note meant for me and so far that has not happened. I feel sick to my stomach over it --in one way I feel like I directed the note to a specific person alone on their personal email and mine too so anyone reading it seems like an invasion of privacy. I did everything I knew to keep the communication between me and my friend. I can see how if I received an email that was not meant for me I would read it just to see what it was. But I would not confront either of the persons on the note if I was not addressed-- I might not like what was said but the most I would do is forward it back to the addressees-- that does not mean I would not be upset if it contained stuff about me but that would be for me to deal with since I was never meant to see it. Oh well--guess it is no emails for me for along while-- I am running the anti-virus stuff but that might take a very long time.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Hi ATL sorry you are going through this. I hope you dont let this become an excuse to pick up that first drink, that was a favourite trick of mine, but tomorrow the depression of my actions hit me hard in the face and the reasons why I drank are still there.
I am far from an expert but could you go into your email account and change the password? It sounds like your account may have been compromised. I have gotten emails from people which quite obviously havent come from them, notified them of same and the problem was solved by a password change. Alternatively you could set up a new email address and just use that. Sorry I cant be of more help.

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

If anyone is into IT for computers on here which someone must be, I am perplexed-- the anti-virus and all that checked out, I never got the last part of the note but my mom did (and maybe others but I have not heard that)--it had to get my addresses in some way, but I do not have it in sent items or anywhere else. Prior versions of the note before the latest one were in my sent stuff but only to the addressee not to others. I did have 2 beers, I do feel awful but mostly because of what happened-- the guilt over being an idiot and drinking has not hit totally and I know I won't have any more-- I feel so upset that it is not on my mind. 3 in the morning is not a good time to seek help (it was around then in the US) and I just was not strong enough. I will be today though

[sunshinetoday]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Hi ATLThrash,
Thank you for sharing.
I think Ktab has a good idea in changing your email address or password. It's a start. I would say life is to short to let a bad experience turn you off from something like emailing or coming on this site and sharing. This site may play an important role in your life, and you deserve to have that. Also I think you already know that drinking would only create an added problem. You already have one weight on your shoulders, no need to weigh yourself down with another.
I know I hope the best for you. I don't really have any good advice to give you about your mom as I have not had a similar relationship. I do know that you deserve to be treated better. Those negative comments can be carried around with us for a lifetime even when they are said by someone with no intention to hurt us. So I can only imagine if they do it intentionally. Invest in your hubs and son, and the things that allow you to be empowered, whatever it is. Take good care of yourself!

[sunshinetoday]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Hang in there ATL. I'm not a computer whiz. I would definitely change your password.

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

My mom does not even see at all that what she says could hurt. I know she must recognize something is awry because she had referenced it to my sister but it was more in the vein of that it was my fault and had no validity. How I feel is how I feel and it will not change but there is no need to debate the point with her or other family members. They just think I am being purposefully hurtful to even think that I wish I did not see or hear from my mom for a while. Of course, I did not send that note to her and it was private, meant to be my thoughts just like I share on here. I would be upset yes if my son when he grows up ever had those thoughts so I get it-- I am not totally clueless about the effect but it was just never meant to be seen. If for example she knew I came on this site it would likely cause a huge blow up with her -- I do come here but I have not shared it with her-- just like I did not share my private note with her-- and I feel like I have been violated. Oh well-- no more emailing until I figure out how to deal with it-- so far the friends I have asked did not get any emails from me that were addressed to others so the mystery continues....

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Thanks Sheri. I have learned many lessons or am starting to. I think it is exactly as you described with your boss-- my mom may not totally see that what she said was heard by me as being harsh. I tried to speak to her some months ago but nothing did come out of it. I thought maybe she did not want to talk directly so I asked her by a letter and a note after the conversation. Things got very cold and awkward and have been like that. Now my family will be involved-- I will not involve them but something tells me that it has already happened. I did not think I would lose them all (dad and sis) in one fell swoop-- I certainly when we were having issues never tried to rally either to my side-- I expressed that I was hurt to my sister but that was about it-- she stayed out of it and so did my dad. I feel battle lines will be drawn and not be me. I am not 100% sober but pretty close and I don't think how I address this would differ if I did not drink-- maybe but I did not shy away from asking her directy before this occasion . That is sot of what I meant by saying that I can only change me and not her or the way she acts. There have been many occasions where I did address things with her that bothered me-- and as I referenced in another post-- there have been times when, if I see things one way and she another, she describes my interpretation as being indicative of some "psyhcotic break"-- that I am making up things whole cloth-- when what I am doing is conveying how I interpret them and she disagrees . The last thing one wants is for their mom (or anyone) to be telling others that her daughter is psychotic and spinning a tale for the benefit of forcing others to agree with her (or at least trying to have them do so). I did not think it had to be a win or lose for one of us-- like you, I thought maybe a discussion would come to some good previously. Now I just do not see how that can be. It is hard to have to go over chapter and verse with her things that have been said before many times when they were never meant to be seen at all by her or anyone but a trusted dear friend. It was an exercise that had proven to be futile in the past -- and I guess I just wnated to convey to my pal that things were tough on the last visit which coincided with my bday. To say otherwise when asked would be a lie. But all things considered, I now wish I had said nothing at all to my friend. Because it became worse than it ever was before--the discomfort and pain I was bearing while around my mom and other family members, that I was trying to keep from them (since it is not an issue with them but only with us two) is now laid bare for the rest of my family. I feel it is wrong for me to start being an advocate with them as to what my perception and side is becasue it should not have been their issue. This is probably why I feel like I should just withdraw from expressing my feelings.

[Doggygirl]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

ALT, I'm sorry you are having to deal with a rocky episode with your Mom. I can't imagine getting belittling remarks like that from my Mom. That's got to hurt!!!!

I absolutely love Sheri's post. Very wise suggestions - I got a lot from reading it so thank you Sheri!!! That should be a sticky.

ALT - one thing is for sure, drinking over it won't help. I hope you do end up turning this unexpected and unplanned circumstance around to your benefit - using it as a chance to clear the air and set some new boundaries with family.

My Dad is really sick right now, and subsequently has the demeanor of a grizzly bear. My Mom bears the brunt of that. On more than one occassion she has come to me in tears about how nasty he has been to her, after she takes care of him up to and including cleaning up with he shits himself. All I have been able to suggest to her is that she has to draw the line in terms of what behavior from him she is willing to accept. And if she accepts *whatever* comes out of his mouth, then that's just the way it will be.

She has continued to tolerate his bad behavior because she feels guilty that she is healthy and he is not. Well....then I guess she will be dealing with more bad behavior from him until she finally gets sick and tired of it. Then if she wants the situation to change, she will have to draw some new boundaries. Mean time, as the bystander who hears the "venting" all I can say is that nothing is going to change just by "venting" about it to me.

FWIW - I too think there is an opportunity amidst the difficult situation.

DG

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

You are right about the venting-- I guess it does not help at all-- I just have ahard time keeping it in at times. I have been trying for ayear to set the boundaries-- when I first spoke to my mom at the suggestion of a therapist (and just about everyone who ever knew her and saw her interaction with me) she became angry, cold and hurt. She refused to have a relationship with me unless it involved her bossing me around and treating me like a baby. I decided since she was being like that I would just have to keep it surface-y-- I continued to keep my folks informed but as soon as talk went to the usual criticisms I just got off the phone. This weekend was different since she was here-- I could not hang up on her or get off the phone to express my displeasure-- she was determined to say what she wanted to say. It was a house full of folks-- she has no problem saying what she wants to me whoever is around but I refuse to get into any confrontation in front of my son (she is his grandma) or my in laws. Conversation has just been done too much. I guess the good thing if any is that she cannot kid herself as to why I do not communicate with her much, she knows what I think for sure. Don't think that will help and could lead to family issues but at least it is clear now

[Doggygirl]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

ATL, I really applaud you for taking the high road in front of your son and others - not stooping to that level. At least you know now that, until she shows some honest change (if ever) you probably don't want to recreate the type of circumstance of the weekend. Sounds like the situation is at least more manageable when you have options to end a conversation that she takes in a bad direction. (i.e. on the phone, the option to hang up or at her house, the option to leave).

I feel for ya.

DG

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Thanks DG-- it means alot that someone thinks I did something right in this-- it is so sticky. The guns blazing approach, the quiet talking approach, the letter approach--none worked. Just wish it had not come up in this way-- she went at me with guns blazing as if I had no right to feel as I do or express it to a dear friend. (more of the guilt I guess). She can't control it and that is really tearing her up I suppose.

[Doggygirl]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

You can't control her, but you CAN control you, and what circumstances you chose for interactions with her. Unfortunately, we can't pick our family. All we can do is our best to be honest in a situation appropriate way, and then do the best we can to manage things in a way that causes ourselves and those we are responsible for (your son) the least amount of pain and aggravation possible.

There are some reading materials recommended in the Alanon world that you might find interesting. "The Language of Letting Go" and "Co-dependent no more" are two that I've heard suggested. I think it's about finding a balance where someone else's problem - someone who is close to you - doesn't end up controlling YOUR life. How to co-exist without that person's problems being YOUR problems.

Anyway...just the thoughts that sort of randomly came to mind! (more spaghetti on this fabulous wall of ours here at MWO!)

DG

[ATLThrash]

Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

Wow-- you all rock-- what nice and thoughtful responses. I agree with them all and will think about them alot. As for why my mom is as she is-- her mother was a meek sweet lady-- but her father was bossy and controlling (much as she is now)-- she resented it and incidentally blamed it on him drinking (he in his younger days used to drink on the weekends and get mean or so I was told-- he did not drink at all in the 25 years I knew him). My mom does not know really that I struggled/struggle with drinking issues-- in fact she thinks one drink is way too much. This was s source of some discomfort this past weekend-- my in laws enjoy their cocktails at night and on special occasions too and we had nice occasions all weekend to celebrate (bdays, end of school etc) and I heard my mom tell my MIL that my husband's brother would never be in shape again because he likes to drink too much--mind you my mom has NEVER met my husband's brother-- and the only thing I have said about him (there are 6 of them so talking at length about any one of them is impossible!) is he goes to nice places for work and works long hours so I think he enjoys trying the greattest restaurants. I never ever referred to him drinking in those places. My MIL was very uncomfortable and I think resentful as well at the comment. Problem drinking is bad but you know as much as I may not get it-- there are some folks who can drink "normally". Those folks should not be shunned -- in the past 18 months or so I have even learned at most times to not drink or just have one drink if I am socializing and it can be normal (though it could get bad fast I know so I try not to tempt fate because my mind can just switch to despair over it quickly and Lord knows-- with all this I do not need more despair). I do agree that I am totally driven by guilt in these interactions. It has been a 44 year pattern. Thanks so much! By the way, I changed the password-- I think I may have figured out how she got the note-- and I think she may have read alot of my notes yesterday but only asked about that one because it discussed her-- claiming it popped up on her screen because she did not want to admit she had read all my notes for a several hour at least period. I have a 9 hour hole with no emails to me-- that is just not how it usually goes so I think she found an old book mark perhaps inadvertently of the remote email and maybe my password-- she has been digging around her computer lately because she is having some issues with email and i could just see her surfing without knwoing what to do or ask and coming upon it-- it is a long shot but not as long as that being the one email that went to her (and no one else)-- I thin she saw several and asked about that. The others did not concern her (but really-- if i sad anytthing she remotely disapproved of she will keep it filed away to use at a later time) so she did not mention them. I hope it blows over but who knows? I do feel that what you all have said will make a differnece in how I feel about them and the approach.