Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..
Yikes, ATL, our mothers are dopplegangers of one another. Right down to the offering of opinions or judgements about people they've never met! My mouth kept opening in a wider "O" as I read through all your posts on this thread. 'That's my mother! That's EXACTLY how my mother operates!' And I tried every way to deal with it over the years, too: guns blazing; the soft-and-subtle approach; ignore it, say nothing and hope she stops; expressions of feeling and explaining how her actions affect others.... Nothing made any difference.
Eventually I realized that the 'change' would have to be in my reactions. I was tempted to cut her off, but that would only bring more grief and upset with extended family. Now, I just keep my contacts brief and not too frequent. I end conversations when she starts sharing uninvited opinions about me, my appearance, my beliefs, and other people. And when she gets really nasty, I just tell her that her bile is unwelcome; goodbye.
I didn't seek any therapy or counselling about this relationship, just tried to keep myself focused and as non-reactive as I could be. Once I did some reading about narcissistic personalities, though, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. She's almost a poster girl for the disorder, but if anyone ever tried to suggest that (hey, I wouldn't), she'd go into denial and attack mode. So I don't bite on any of her bait; just smile and say nothing.
With people like this, it's best to avoid them if we can. If they're relatives, especially if they're close relatives, we have to find a way to preserve a relationship while still putting strict limits on their ability to hurt others. It's a huge challenge (and it just doesn't feel fair that we should have to endure it), but you can do it. And living AF will help build confidence for dealing with whatever your relatives throw at you. Hang in there!
Yikes, ATL, our mothers are dopplegangers of one another. Right down to the offering of opinions or judgements about people they've never met! My mouth kept opening in a wider "O" as I read through all your posts on this thread. 'That's my mother! That's EXACTLY how my mother operates!' And I tried every way to deal with it over the years, too: guns blazing; the soft-and-subtle approach; ignore it, say nothing and hope she stops; expressions of feeling and explaining how her actions affect others.... Nothing made any difference.
Eventually I realized that the 'change' would have to be in my reactions. I was tempted to cut her off, but that would only bring more grief and upset with extended family. Now, I just keep my contacts brief and not too frequent. I end conversations when she starts sharing uninvited opinions about me, my appearance, my beliefs, and other people. And when she gets really nasty, I just tell her that her bile is unwelcome; goodbye.
I didn't seek any therapy or counselling about this relationship, just tried to keep myself focused and as non-reactive as I could be. Once I did some reading about narcissistic personalities, though, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. She's almost a poster girl for the disorder, but if anyone ever tried to suggest that (hey, I wouldn't), she'd go into denial and attack mode. So I don't bite on any of her bait; just smile and say nothing.
With people like this, it's best to avoid them if we can. If they're relatives, especially if they're close relatives, we have to find a way to preserve a relationship while still putting strict limits on their ability to hurt others. It's a huge challenge (and it just doesn't feel fair that we should have to endure it), but you can do it. And living AF will help build confidence for dealing with whatever your relatives throw at you. Hang in there!
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