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Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

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    #16
    Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

    Yikes, ATL, our mothers are dopplegangers of one another. Right down to the offering of opinions or judgements about people they've never met! My mouth kept opening in a wider "O" as I read through all your posts on this thread. 'That's my mother! That's EXACTLY how my mother operates!' And I tried every way to deal with it over the years, too: guns blazing; the soft-and-subtle approach; ignore it, say nothing and hope she stops; expressions of feeling and explaining how her actions affect others.... Nothing made any difference.

    Eventually I realized that the 'change' would have to be in my reactions. I was tempted to cut her off, but that would only bring more grief and upset with extended family. Now, I just keep my contacts brief and not too frequent. I end conversations when she starts sharing uninvited opinions about me, my appearance, my beliefs, and other people. And when she gets really nasty, I just tell her that her bile is unwelcome; goodbye.

    I didn't seek any therapy or counselling about this relationship, just tried to keep myself focused and as non-reactive as I could be. Once I did some reading about narcissistic personalities, though, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. She's almost a poster girl for the disorder, but if anyone ever tried to suggest that (hey, I wouldn't), she'd go into denial and attack mode. So I don't bite on any of her bait; just smile and say nothing.

    With people like this, it's best to avoid them if we can. If they're relatives, especially if they're close relatives, we have to find a way to preserve a relationship while still putting strict limits on their ability to hurt others. It's a huge challenge (and it just doesn't feel fair that we should have to endure it), but you can do it. And living AF will help build confidence for dealing with whatever your relatives throw at you. Hang in there!
    Resisting all Magical Thinking...one day at a time

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      #17
      Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

      Althrash,
      My heart goes out to you. I have a mother in law who is very similar to your mother. She hurt me and her own children, over and over again. Talking to her made no difference at all, she just went into attack mode. Finally, my husband made the decision to cut all ties in 1995. It was heaven for me and peace for him. She is a destroyer, and sucks the life and spirit out of people she comes into contact with. So, what is the point?

      A relationship is a two way communication, and if she is making personal comments about your arms, etc., she is rude and inappropriate. Do not think she does not know what she is doing.....she does. She wants to hurt you, but it has nothing to do with you. She is just abusive and angry, and it is probably best to have as little to do with her as possible.

      Your inlaws sound like nice people. Do you feel close to your mother in law? Sometimes we have to develop relationships with people outside our family in self-preservation. Lots to think about.

      Drinking of course is a temporary relief, but in the long run makes things so much worse. It weakens your spirit and ability to manage your life. But, you already know that. So, know that you are cared about and supported and make good decision for you.
      Formerly known as redhibiscus

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        #18
        Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

        Thanks all! I think alot of us probably have these parental issues. My mom obviously did not deal well with us growing up-- because she could no longer control every thing we did. My sister and I were pretty good girls and high achievers-- sometimes i think if she only knew how most kids are (even kids who ultimately are good kids)..well-- that is not true-- I think she does know that many kids growing up do "bad" things, sneak around etc-- and that many adults do not have a huge relationship with their parents-- and she still does not give an ounce of credit. My husband has struggled to be close with his folks-- he is a reserved midwesterner and that is not his way--but he is now closer to his folks -- and get this-- my mom takes credit for it!!!! She thinks because she was all up in our business that this gave my husband a good example of familial closeness and that is why they are closer --what acrock! (It is sort of funny in a sad way if you think of it) My in laws used to be a bit difficult but I think it was mostly that I was not used to the reserve-- now I appreciate it and since I had our son my mother in law has seen that I am a pretty good mom despite soem health challenges and is very kind about everything. I actually told her I appreciate her last weekend and I think she knew exactly what I meant!

        I really appreicate you all listening to me and responding to me with your wise and insightful comments. after the initial freak out I relaized that it really does not matter what she thinks of what I wrote or said. I think the things I conveyed and I have reason to do so. Have a great rest of the weekend (in the US --long weekend-- yea!!)!

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          #19
          Not sure where to put it but I do need help now..

          Hi ATL
          Lots of good advice is coming your way, I can see from the posts. I agree with what has been said maybe your emails etc have been compromised, goodness knows how, but it does happen, so change your email address and password Dear Girl - and do look forward, never look back. You are a very special person and so is your hubby and child, so concentrate on the good things. And, do try not to concentrate on things that have happened, maybe in time your Mum will realise that the things she has said, were not quite right. You know what they say, the truth always hurts, and maybe in the long run it might work out for the better. Look to the future and don't beat yourself up at all and please feel free to pm rather than post on the site if you feel more comfortable, but please be sure to stay here and talk. We are all friends and will do what we can. You know a problem shared is a problem halved. Take care of yourself and Love and Sunshine Always. Kaz xx
          Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr:l:l

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