F*%, it's got me again. :(

[Bean]

Help! I have fallen off the wagon HARD. Today I woke up at 5.30am, drank a load of vodka, passed out till the afternoon, smoked a joint cause all the booze was gone and have spent the entire evening on the sofa. I haven't been outside or spoken to anyone all day.

I feel really awful about lying to everyone, especially my (just ex) boyfriend. My family kept saying how proud they are of me for quitting and I feel like the biggest hypocrite and not worth the praise.

I'm confused as to how I have slipped down this path again and seem to be back in denial of how bad it really is. I don't have the energy right now for anything, especially not going AF even though I know it's essential.

I guess I just feel that way today because of what i've put my body through in the last 48 hours. It's been a rough week with my young and pregnant neighbour facing breast cancer, another family friend is dealing with abuse amongst her children and I broke up with my boyfriend. I am facing a lot of big decisions in the next few months and feeling really overwhelmed and alone with it all. I guess I just wanted to be unconscious so I didn't have to feel all these emotions for a bit.

Ugh. Not really sure why I am posting this. I know what I have to do and how to do it. I am so sick of resorting to this awful behaviour. I've lost my motivation for everything just now and can't be bothered to do anything much.

Sometimes life just completely sucks.

[startingover]

F*%, it's got me again.

Great post Molly!
Bean, listen to her, she knows what shes talking about

[JackieClaire]

F*%, it's got me again.

mollyka;1130477 wrote: Oh Bean, yep sometimes life does just suck, or as my hubs always said to my kids when they were younger 'who ever told you that life was fair'?
You know and I know - the temporary 'release' that the numbness of the booze gives us - doesn't last jig time, and the mental and physical wreck it leaves behind it can go on a long time. Yes you're gonna feel shite today - no bones about it - but at least you've no booze left - you just need to drink the water and get some sleep whenever possible and wake up tomorrow (not sure what timezone you're in?) and 100% vow to not drinking tomorrow. No other day - just tomorrow.
None of these problems go away with the drink - they just come back with a sledgehammer in tow when we sober up - I am truly sorry you are going through a tough time - and believe you me, I understand - worn the tshirt, so to speak:l
When you wake up you need to dredge up determination and motivation from somewhere - sometimes the silliest reasons can work when we are really low - the big picture is too hard to take in. I know in my case, when I drank - my skin always flared up and I looked like a big florid moon - I Hated that, and a good look in the mirror was sometimes enough to get me through that first 24 hours back on the wagon - after that, your own strength of character will return, the booze will be out of your system.

Sweetie - stick around here like glue - it helps more than we can imagine just knowing other folks understand as no one but an alkie can
Take care
Molly

Fantastic post, Molls.

[spuddleduck]

F*%, it's got me again.

oh bean, i can feel you pain. great post from mollyka and its true, we can understand what you are going through. well done for coming here and posting, some part of your brain is saying enough, now. your body will be pretty battered at the moment so try and rest and ride out the uncomfortable feelings. then pick yourself up and do what you know you have to do. you know drinking wont make problems go away, but rest and sobriety will help you to deal with them better. take care

[Mia]

F*%, it's got me again.

Hi Bean, Im new at being sober but just read your post and I know how you are feeling, I just want to give you a big big hug and cuddle :l. And listen to everyone because they do know what they are talking about because we have all been there :l another hug and cuddle because you deserve it! xxxxxx

[Tipplerette]

F*%, it's got me again.

Bean, thanks for sharing. I can't add much more except to say that Mollyka was speaking through your guardian angel (and I am not even religious). Embrace her words and take one moment at a time. All your decisions will be better made through a sober mind.

Hugs and understanding

Tips

[Panno]

F*%, it's got me again.

Hi Bean...look we're twins :H

Take good care of yourself and I love what Tipp has wrote about your Guardian Angel, thanks for sharing and a fantastic reply Mollyka

[EnglishWriter77]

F*%, it's got me again.

I think I feel your pain Bean - just done the same myself

How you feeling at the moment?

EW

[Bean]

F*%, it's got me again.

Morning everyone.

Thanks for the replies. Funny what you said about a guardian angel Tips...over the weekend I wrote a Facebook status that was a bit glum and I guess implied life wasn't going too well. I then immediately got a message from a guy I really don't know very well at all. He's my old roommate's ex boyfriend and very introverted so we never really spoke much and we never run into each other anywhere. He was concerned and wanted to help if he could. He has reached out once or twice in the last little while and I have appreciated it but not taken him up on it. The interesting thing is that he went AF just over a year ago after a DUI. He knows I was struggling with AL but last time we crossed paths, I had been sober for nearly 3 months and was loving it. We've only touched on that very briefly in conversation too.

I have been thinking lately that it would be nice to connect with someone face to face who understands this problem (but not AA/support group). It's been an ongoing issue with my ex boyfriend who wants/ed to help me with it but didn't really know how to. I disliked the power differential that would be set up every time I would ask for help because in reality, he finds the emotional stuff really uncomfortable. I ended up being all deceitful again around him regarding my drinking because I didn't want him to be disappointed or leave me. Now we've broken up anyway and the drinking is just one little part of it.

Anyway...this friend really couldn't have offered his help any more clearly but my shock and surprise that it came from him stood in the way of me accepting it. I love the idea that someone 'out' or 'up' there is looking out for me (I'm not religious either) and it reminds me that help, support and encouragement can manifest in very unexpected ways.

Today, I am still not feeling great but I am definitely on the mend. I trained for a half marathon earlier this year which helped immensely with being AF but since I did it and then my routine changed again (no more early morning starts), I allowed myself to go off the rails again. Time to make a new plan and get back on track. Everything is better when I commit to making my health and self care the most important thing.

Have a great day everyone.
Bean

[Juja]

F*%, it's got me again.

Dear Bean,

It's sounds like you're finding your way back. I'm am so glad.

I loved this sentence that you wrote: " Everything is better when I commit to making my health and self care the most important thing.'' I wish I could follow that, but circumstances won't allow it in my life right now.

I didn't mean to take away from you and your troubles to focus on me; I just want you to know you made a difference to someone. Thanks.

Juja

[Kaslo]

F*%, it's got me again.

Hey Bean, I dont think you know me, I am sort of new here. Its my five month anni today, and I just thought I would add a word of encouragement. There is a big difference between falling suddenly off the wagon during a very weak low period, during your progress in achieving sobriety, vs business as usual as someone with AL dependancy. A setback yes, but one binge due to a personal trauma doth not a total failure make. I.e. whats happened to you. (I too live in fear of the not being able to cope should disaster strike). I would think that breaking up with a bf would be a major deal, no wonder, is what Im sayin'. You need someone to talk to I think. Maybe this other guy or maybe just us losers on here! lol! anyway, dont be hard on yourself.

[damo180]

F*%, it's got me again.

Hi Bean,

Sorry that you are having a tough time.
I hope things turn around for you soon.
Take care of yourself, you are a lovely person and deserve the best.
Now get yourself back on the road and sign up for another half marathon.

Damo
xxx

[tryingsohard]

F*%, it's got me again.

i shold be asleep but your thread caught my eye an reading it i know how you feel and wanted to say i hope you are alright an still fighting the urge, its so hard when so many things happen at once,brain overloads an goe s into auto pilot and thats when you realise you ve opened and drunk the bottle,im trying to grasp the triggers and warnings but it s hard aint it,especially when we dont take time out for ourselves and drown in otheer peoples burdens even if they dont intend to drop it on your door it sounds like you take on a lot of worries im the same,i think its called rescuing in rehab over here, i think sometimes it s good to take time out to catch your breath, you sound from the little ive read like a delightful person,i hope things get easier for you an your friends, take care,an good night x

[BlueFlower]

F*%, it's got me again.

Bean, I am new but I just wanted to say I hope things are going better for you now.
This is just one setback. If we didn't have setbacks, none of us would be here.

Edited this message. I read your latest post! Things ARE going better for you now. Hurray!

I am really impressed that you are a runner. You have strength and will power.

[tryingsohard]

F*%, it's got me again.

hope things are feeling better xx