Brand New and Miserable

[Clover]

I've been lurking for a few weeks and trying to stop drinking on my own. About the best I can manage is maybe 4 days without alcohol. I had promised my daughter (again) that I would quit and let her down (again) last night. She is 17 and gets very, very angry with me over my drinking. I put away about a bottle and a half of wine last night, ran down to the store to buy cigs and there was one of her friends. It was probably obvious that I was tipsy and she texted my daughter who immediately called me (she was at her dad's house) and ranted and yelled. I stayed home from work today because I feel SO tired and depressed and hung over. It's been a rough couple of years for me, mostly financial stuff, house in foreclosure, etc. and my drinking has increased drastically. But I cannot go on like this, the humiliation, the sickness, the anxiety and depression. I should probably go to AA, but when I tried that years ago I felt so uncomfortable there. I just feel so hopeless and alone. :upset:

[Clover]

Brand New and Miserable

Thank you for such a kind and warm welcome, Molly. I am very sick today, but mostly just headache, body aches, dizziness, etc. I don't think I need the doctor, but will keep that in mind. It's mostly the awful thoughts going around in my head. I feel so worthless. I was a good mom to both my kids (my son is 20) until just a few years ago. I just want them to keep loving me. And, of course, calling in sick to work makes me feel really, really bad. I just want to sleep the rest of this miserable day away, but can't even do that! I will certainly start spending lots of time here, though!

[Lavande]

Brand New and Miserable

Hi Clover,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place! Glad you decided to post & get your life under control!

A good place to start is downloading & reading the MWO book, it has a lot a of good info.
You need to make a good stong plan for yourself too. Take a look in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html for some great ideas.

You can do this but you really need to make a strong commitment. Get rid of the AL in your house & promise yourself you'll never buy more. That's what I did, you can do it too! Do this for yourself & your daughter, make her proud

Wishing you the very best & please feel free to drop in the Newbies Nest thread to see what the others are doing.

Lav

[bkyogagurl]

Brand New and Miserable

Hi Clover...

The first thing I could say is... don't feel like you need to lurk (coming from a fabulous lurker herself).

Make sure and post. Don't worry about how you may or may not be feeling.
We are all here to support each other. I am in the same box as your right aside from my kids are younger. Its a fight. And sometimes its hard to say
on track.

hugs,
BK

[Clover]

Brand New and Miserable

Hello, Lav and BK. Thank you for your kindness. I am back at work today, still dizzy, exhausted and depressed. My boss does NOT like it when anyone calls in sick, and although I haven't done it that often, I worry that he might fire me. The company I work for is laying quite a few people off. I experienced a layoff about 3 years ago and was unemployed for months. That was the beginning of some serious binge drinking for me, although I've had bouts of it many years ago when I was young. I've been working again for about 2 years now, but the pay stinks and I struggle financially. Of course, blowing money on wine and cigs doesn't help matters! I'm very glad to have found MWO and will try with all my might this time to stop drinking. I want it more than anything right now! I've never been a daily drinker, but usually have a binge about twice a week. I feel terrible for DAYS after one, though! Not just sick, but horribly depressed! My son doesn't seem to pay attention and has even said my daughter should mind her own business. But she is right! I just want to be a sober, responsible mom again and not have to live with the constant shame and embarassment that my drinking is causing. I will definitely spend lots of time here!

[Doggygirl]

Brand New and Miserable

:welcome: Clover! So glad to see you coming back. This is a great place to get sober.

In your first post you mentioned AA and a previous negative experience. I just thought I would mention that I used to think I would rather pull my fingernails out slowly - one at a time than go to an AA meeting. Looking back, I realize now that I just wasn't ready to accept that I can't drink safely, ever. I was still holding out a little hope that I could somehow figure out how to drink in moderation. No wonder I felt the way I did about AA.

AA is now an important part of my own personal sobriety plan. That is not to say it will be or should be part of yours. I'm just mentioning my own turnaround because the face to face support and sober friendships there have helped me a great deal. (as does My Way Out). I know that hopeless, lonely feeling all too well. AA has helped. Just thought I would mention that in case you decide to give it another try.

Mean time, I think it's great you are working on this before things get worse. I found the My Way Out book, supplements, hypnosis CD's, diet and exercise recommendations very helpful too. Best wishes making and executing your own recovery plan.

DG

[daisy45]

Brand New and Miserable

Hi Clover, hope you're feeling a bit better. I can so relate to the teenagers in the house. I have 4 and they all have different strengths of feelings about when I drink.....
2 bottles of wine nightly was my normal, less if my body just couldn't take any more......
Now if they think I'm on edge or waivering they urge me to go on MWO. They are the only ones who know I am on here; they consider it a lifeline for them as much as for me because they know thats when positive changes and real happiness started to creep back into our lives....
I would love you and your children to taste a bit of that; you'll get so much out of hearing them tell you how proud of you they are
Everyone on here understands, been there, done that, etc. Read old threads and posts here as much as you can - Should you try and fail, then you start over and over until.....just stick with us and post and let everyone know how you are feeling; good or bad!
Good luck:l

[Clover]

Brand New and Miserable

This is maddening!

Well, I managed to go a couple of days without wine and was feeling pretty good. I had some cravings after work last night, but made it through by going to the local health food store and just roaming around. THEN a friend from work, a very attractive fellow, called and invited me out for a few drinks. And stupid, stupid me did it! I didn't get plastered in front of him, just had a few and then came home to continue my binge. I made it to work today, but DAMN, it was a long, awful day! I need to hang out at this forum every night and there is an AA meeting tomorrow morning that I'm going to try and steel myself to go to. I will find the toolbox and download the MWO book tonight, too. On a somewhat positive note, I had a nice dinner with my kids tonight and am just relaxing with a good book ... no cravings. I know this is simple, but it sure isn't easy! Weird thing is, I was a binger in my twenties, quit for about 16 years while my kids were young, and then started up again a few years ago. I know I'm capable of quitting again and I remember how much better life was when I didn't drink. I thank you all for your kindness and support. Of course, I feel foolish and ashamed tonight, but I'm exhausted, too, and sick of dwelling on self-loathing.

[KateH1]

Brand New and Miserable

Hi Clover and may I extend another Welcome to MWO to you. I am happy that you have decided to join us! I too know all too well what you have been dealing with concerning the horrible hangovers from alcohol and disappointing yourself and your children. I too lived that way for far too long! I did not drink when my children were small, but started up when they were in their mid teens. By the time that I finally found MWO (while searching for rehabs!), I felt completely lost to alcohol. I seriously wondered if it was even possible for me to stop and even if I truly wanted to stop.....I know, crazy!

I downloaded the MWO book, found some serious people here with some success under their belt to help to support my efforts and now I am three an a half years alcohol free! If I can do it, you can do it too! If AA can offer you additional support, go for it!
Best Wishes to You!
Kate

[Esperanza12]

Brand New and Miserable

Dear Clover and the many others like us,
Your story rings so true. I, too, have a 17 year old daughter who used to be my best friend and is the love of my life. She despises me, not because she is 17, as my friends say, but because I have chosen alcohol over her. I drink exactly one bottle of red wine every single day; sometimes more, but usually not. Last night, however, I binge drank at a friend's lovely outdoor summer dinner party (and smoked a cigarette) and I got so drunk I fell off the bed and could have really hurt myself, but lay there for a few chilly hours until I woke up enough to try to get back up. Thankfully I was not home since I never drink and drive. My daughter laughed at me this morning as she saw me walk through the door. I was so ashamed. I am finally going to join AA even though I live in a tiny town and am so embarassed. I cannot quit on my own; and now I am going to do it for once and for all. My eyes are yellow with the damage I have done to my liver; I have put on 40 pounds over the past 2 years ; and my once beautiful blue eyes are full of shame. I love my daughter too much - and myself, too - to let this disease keeps its hold on me. I am going to fight for both of us.

[airam]

Brand New and Miserable

Clover :l
Esperanza :l
Hugs.

[Clover]

Brand New and Miserable

Esperanza, that just breaks my heart; I know exactly how you feel. I don't drink every day, I'm more of a binge drinker. But it seems lately that about the longest I can go without is 2-3 days. I'm back at square one this morning. I went to a friend's house last night and he had wine .... you can guess the rest. I'm going to have to tell my friends that I need and want to quit drinking; I know they will support me completely and not try to tempt me in any way. I'm just so damned embarassed. I know I can do this, but over the last few days, I just keep giving in. It is very, very depressing. But I ordered the book from Amazon.com and hopefully it will be here early this week. I usually don't drink on work nights, so I should be all right for at least a few days. I need to really fight, too, now and put my all into this .... for my daughter, my son .... and me!

[WineSucks]

Brand New and Miserable

Join Me Ladies

I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are....I'm in the same place and sick and tired. Clover....I had the same issue with an attractive man from work asking me to go out for a few drinks...I went and it started the whole cycle over again. I know that I just need to avoid that type of temptation.....for many reasons.

I started a new thread under the Newbies nest and am making a serious attempt at going 30 days AF.....it would be awesome if you all would join me. I've made a few attempts before and haven't made it past 14 days but for some reason I feel like I'm ready.

I just can't stop thinking how great it would be to at least accomplish 30 days AF!