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F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

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    #1

    F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

    Im only back because solitare sent me a message and it made me realize how bad I was before & now I am back to that same place. Lost one of the most prestigious jobs in my field because of my drinking (never give a thief the keys to the vault!). Got a better job with less responsibility, more money, and they dont give a fuck what shape I show up in as long as I make massive numbers. So its usually 3 martini's for breakfast, anti-seizure medicine to make sure I dont shake too much and then about a liter of vodka for dinner. Don't know what happened, just lost control. Can't afford/dont wanna go back to rehab, kinda just want a good nights sleep at this point! I hate just posting that things are bad, it just sucks when I sit on my couch after work and tears roll out my eyes and I dont know why. I am sorry for just lurking the past few months...Kinda been stuck in my own head.
    Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
    WC: He'd think I was a sissy.
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    #2
    F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

    Sorry to hear things are bad right now. One thing about being here is that no matter what you post, good or bad, you're supported and cared about. A good sleep might be just what the doctor ordered and I hope you get one soon. One day at a time, and try to stay afloat. Hugs, Amanda.
    It is not what we do, but how much love we put into the doing.
    Mother Theresa

    Comment

      #3
      F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

      PW ~

      nicelife put it beautifully. we're here for the good and the bad,hun.

      Now as for the amount you're drinking I'm struggling to come up with ideas for you without medical intervention.

      Is it possible for you to taper down gradually over a couple of weeks. This link may help.

      How To Taper Off Alcohol

      J x
      :l
      It could be worse, I could be filing.
      AF since 7/7/2009

      Comment

        #4
        F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

        My anxiety is out of control and I feel like talking nonstop, its like im a cokehead! I just feel the need to feel close to someone or pour my heart out to someone.....on the other hand I have been doing things I have never done before, my morals are gone. One night stands with random women, going home with strippers.....trying to screw old friends or fight strangers. I need to re evaluate some shit.
        Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
        WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

        Comment

          #5
          F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

          Oh I remember that feeling well,

          Have you thought about ringing a local AA helpline, there should be someone there to listen and believe me any thing you say they will have heard and probably more too.

          I don't know where in the world you are so you would have to do a bit of googling.

          I've had help from them many times before even though I don't attend AA and they may even find someone who can come and sit with you just to talk.
          It could be worse, I could be filing.
          AF since 7/7/2009

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            #6
            F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

            You are not alone here PW, talk away.
            We cant change our past but we can have a huge say in our futures, we can take it one step at a time. Any progress is good.
            Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

            Comment

              #7
              F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

              yea but i have been drunk enough in my life to know the shit that comes out of my mouth and I dont even wanna hear it! It wont solve anything it will just delay the inveitable....me getting hammered and passing out, then getting drunk and going to work.
              Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
              WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

              Comment

                #8
                F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                It doesnt have to be this way. Even a few days AF under your belt, the fog starts to lift and we can see things so much clearer. AL screws up our thinking so badly and is a huge depressant in my case.
                Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                Comment

                  #9
                  F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                  it is for me too, And ive been clean and sober for long periods of time......Its just that in my field I have booze shoved under my nose once a day (minimum)
                  Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
                  WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                    I know this may sound a little crass but it is only we ourselves who pick that first glass up. Not doing great myself recently but I wake every morning and say today is a new day, its up to me to make of it what I will.
                    Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                      I know its a depressant and is fucking with my head, but I am not sure I can handle it right now....Doing the self destructive thing right now. Not sure if I actually wanna get better...
                      Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
                      WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                        professionalwino;1136028 wrote: I know its a depressant and is fucking with my head, but I am not sure I can handle it right now....Doing the self destructive thing right now. Not sure if I actually wanna get better...
                        Oh yeh I know that feeling only too well. Convinced its the AL messing up my logical thinking. I know trying to stop the madness just feels impossible at times but I only have to look around me here at the success stories to know otherwise. Never give up trying.
                        Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                        Comment

                          #13
                          F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                          Hi, PW

                          Hi, PW.

                          I am wondering what profession you are in--sounds like you may work in the wine/liquor industry? That has to be hard. I know a guy who has been sober for quite a while and used to run the local state liquor store. Guess the temptation was too much!

                          Anyway, I'd look into that tapering off link, since you seem to be drinking an awful lot. I don't know what the anti seizure meds are, but wonder if they mix with AL? Maybe you could get some Valium or Librium--I have had Librium, but I think Valium was easier. (I only had that when I had to have some minor surgery.)

                          I am waiting for a kind of rehab place myself, and I know it can be expensive, but maybe it would be worthwhile to look for something short term. My insurance seems to be useless with this, but maybe yours could help. And they do have EAP, although you probably don't want your work to know. But you need help ASAP.

                          I hope that you will keep posting and I will say a prayer for you!

                          TDN
                          "One day at a time."

                          Comment

                            #14
                            F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                            Hi PW,

                            We chatted once a while ago, since then I fell off the wagon too and was also thinking "hell I just don't really want to stop".....oblivion is so nice sometimes. Like when you are getting older, homeless and unemployed = me. I am learning a new career, I am 12 days AF after a 6 day detox. Taking Campral and have found a great doc......working on the homeless bit (I do have a roof over my head but it is less than ideal, surrounded by hotels).
                            I really really don't think you can stay in your current job, although it is interesting that while wine is the job; your choice of poison is vodka?????
                            My heart goes out to you but I also seriously would like to kick your butt!

                            Get help...run don't walk to the nearest ph and helpline or ER and detox, we will all be with you every step of the way, ready to cheer you on, pick you up and dust you off, listen to what ails...the full nine yards but YOU have to make a start!

                            Love

                            Willow

                            PS I don't pray but I'm willing good karma as hard as I can!
                            " I'm not trying to counsel any of you to do anything really special, except to dare to think and to dare to go with the truth and to dare to love completely." -R. Buckminster Fuller

                            Comment

                              #15
                              F'd UP again! I guess I'll post this twice

                              G'day Pdub.

                              When you say you're not sure you're ready to stop (the madness), okay. We know exactly what you mean, and where you're coming from. I do.

                              Get back to basics. Decide. The decision is your's friend.
                              What do YOU want from life? TOTALLY UP TO YOU.

                              Get a plan, set a date, and do what you have to do. It's okay mate. You can do it! No big deal, just have a go. C'mon. pull your finger out and go for it. If nothing else, just do something positive. One foot after another out the front door every morning is a great start, and believe me, that one foot out the door every morning will take you places you never believed were possible.

                              Go for it. G-bloke.

                              'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                              Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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