Overwhelmed completely and quite shocked.

[autumn]

I have fallen hugely. It was bubbling for a while, and then I had a sudden death in the family. My uncle died in a car crash which was not his fault. He is the first person I have lost unexpectedly. My grandparents were old, or it has been cancer related so at least i had some time to process it.

I was away with friends when I found out he had died, celebrating a 40th birthday. I went quite numb, but was quite adamant that I didn't need a drink, and didn't tell anyone as not to put a downer on the weekend and carried on, stone cold sober. But this weekend, just gone I have totally lost the plot. I have just been on an almighty binge and have not been able to stop crying. Monday night my husband came home to a blubbering wife drunk, trying to explain the voices in my head and how I couldn't cope. He was very disappointed that I had been drinking, and was deeply upset. I packed a bag on Tuesday and came to stay at a friend?s caravan to escape. I really felt as if my head was going to explode. The suicidal thoughts were overwhelming.

What am I trying to say??? The death has stirred up a whole almighty heap of family politics, including my step dad who disowned me (that hurt) and the step sister I don't speak to having her say over the funeral, really being quite unpleasant. I know I am only baby steps into being sober, but the force at which this has hit me has really rocked me.

On the plus side, my AL counsellor called me out of the blue to see if I wanted to hook up, (thank you Mark, you will never know how much I need that snotty tearful conversation). I am going to see him next week.

So back to the tools, relaxation CD's and MWO. It didn't help that I have not checked the boards for a few days. God, this is such a f***ing evil, evil, lying beast, that really has teeth and so hard to shake. :upset:

[JackieClaire]

Overwhelmed completely and quite shocked.

Autumn,:l

Firstly I'm so sorry for your tragic loss.

Secondly I can so relate to your the situation with your husband. I can remember too well the look of disappointment and sadness the last time when mine found me after my last binge.

Keep posting, keep reading, come back every day even if it's just to say hello.

Back to baby steps indeed, but you know there'll always be someone here to hold your hand.

J x
:l

[Doggygirl]

Overwhelmed completely and quite shocked.

Autumn, I'm so sorry about your loss. I certainly understand how the AL voice takes advantage of such a situation to convince us that drinking will somehow make us feel better. It just doesn't.

The journey to sobriety is rarely a totally smooth ride. There is so much to learn about how to live without the crutch of AL. Be good to yourself and get right back on the wagon, as the others have said. You have a good support system here and we all understand what you are going through.

DG

[autumn]

Overwhelmed completely and quite shocked.

Thank you all for your kind words. Sheri I can?t even begin to imagine how you coped with such loss all at once. It must have been so overwhelming. Keeping ?plugged in? to MWO is such a grounder.

It's the look of utter disgust and bewilderment that is the hardest, and his lack of understanding. Can?t get it, won?t get it. We tried to talk last night. He came down to the caravan, a weekend that had been planned for ages. He knows I have been drinking this week, so unfortunately I am having to taper at the mo. So I had had a drink yesterday, only a small amount, compared to the weeks intake. He was utterly cats arse and could hardly look at me. He used the usual damn argument, "I won?t talk to you, you been drinking" God I could scream. I am trying to tell him I am falling apart, but he is so bloody stiff upper lip & deal with it. I am trying not to be mad with him, as he is at a genuine loss as to how this madness works. But he cant get past the deal with it attitude. I asked to go into rehab years ago. It was met with horror.

He actually said, "it's easy, just don?t drink" Oh my, oh my, black and white and on paper, hell, what could be more simpler to the solution?!?! But with a messed up lying mind, it's not that easy. He has agreed to come to my counselling session next week, which is a wonderful breakthrough. For the love of dog, he really does think this is easy to crack, hey just man up and get a grip!

[momof3]

Overwhelmed completely and quite shocked.

Hi Autumn,

My condolences on the death of your Uncle.

For many, many years, I numbed every feeling I had with Alcohol. Alcohol temporarily took the pain away, but it also put a huge damper on feelings of joy and contentment.

I have learned through my sobriety to take life on life's terms and that it is so much better to handle grief, death, and disappointment AF. It is still all new to me; having all of these feelings without the crutch of alcohol. I feel like I am finally growing up and handling things as they come both good and bad.

My husband is a "normal" drinker too, He never understood (and still doesn't) what it means to have an addiction and how difficult it is to overcome. But, we all understand on this forum and that is why I come here.

I hope you can get back on track.

M3