I just cant see a way out, pls help!

[santybury]

Hi, im back here again after months of denial and i just feel terrified at where this is going to end. Alcohol has taken me to some terryfying places and i cant see a future with or without it for me. This weeks piss up ended up with a row with a cab driver after losing my bag with my money, keys and phone, long story but the police came and ended up taking me home and breaking into my house to get me in. I feel so humiliated, ashamed and hate my fucking self for being such a weak drunk. My sister called me an embarressment, and she is right, Oh God, its a nightmare and i still think i can control it. About 6 months ago i went to a friends party and just turned into this drunk monster, swearing and being crude and ended up snogging a married guest and putting my hand down his trousers and didnt remember anything about it and cant face any of those friends again, and i still drink, and i still think i can control it, and i hate myself.
Is this it, is there a way out from this Hell? im so ashamed and sad right now.

[Doggygirl]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

santybury, this is the line I can SO relate to from your post:

i cant see a future with or without it for me.

That's where I was. Couldn't imagine drinking any more, and couldn't imagine not drinking. I was scared to death and just so sick of the merry go round. I wanted to kill myself. And even after that, I still had times when I thought I could drink and the outcome would somehow be different.

Don't give up. If I can sober up and if all these other people around here can sober up, you can do it too.

I had to finally get committed 100% that AF was the only way. Then I made a plan. I started out with the MWO book, supplements, hypnosis CD's, diet and exercise recommendations. That gave me a good start. Now I go to AA too.

Have you read the book and taken the suggested actions? Is there another plan or program you are willing to try?

Have hope..

DG

[santybury]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Hi, Thanks for that. Started hypnotherapy and also started at smart recovery but still drinking each nite with no real intention of stopping even though its making me suicidal!
I guess im wanting a magic wand and there is this part of me that feels like im going to miss out if i cant have a drink with my friends, but i cant stop at one or 2, and if i manage to get away without blacking out, then im proud of myself, how warped is that???
I walk around feeling paranoid and ashamed and think everyone knows and is talking about me, its a horrible place right now.

[FlyAway]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

I'm so sorry you feel desperate and ashamed. I know those feelings. Can you make it one day without drinking? If you don't go out with your friends, can you make it one day? You are not alone in this.

You are under the control of a drug. If you took a sleeping pill would you consider yourself weak if you couldn't stay awake? But you need help to break the control of this drug. Can you talk to your doctor? Would you be able to get Antabuse or Topamax? Have you tried Glutamine or Kudzu? If you go out with your friends for a drink, does it have to be alcohol? I'll say it again, you are not alone. I'm new here, but I'm here for you.

[Snapdragon]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Santybury

I think most of us can relate to how you feel. I've struggled for years and been in a similar situation to you - I even spent a night in a police cell because I threatened to commit suicide (and meant it at the time) while blaring drunk and my partner called the police!

I am very early days trying to be AF and I think the big thing for me is learning to love and respect myself again. I can feel your self loathing in your post - we've all hated ourselves - but its not you that you really hate - its what the poision of alcohol is doing to you.

Doggygirl has great advice and its well worth reading back to hers and some other people on this site's stories to realise that you are not alone and there is a way forwards and the possibility to get out of the situation you are in.

YOU are a good person, YOU are likeable, loveable and worthy - it is simply alcohol that is robbing you of your self respect.

With the help and support of people on MWO I am now 7 days AF - early days I know, but I keep checking in regularly and when I have low moments everyone boosts me back up and makes me believe in myself again.

Best wishes and keep posting and seeking help here. :l

[santybury]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I was out this morning and i got a call from some guy asking me to meet him and his mate for sex and he knows where i live and i just dont know who he was or how he got my number. Straight away that shame and guilt is back and now i feel like im being laughed at and watched, just horrible. Could of been a joke call but i feel that im the joke and it is that loss of self respect that I so miss. I have just started to see some one who is genuinly a nice person and im panicking that hes going to find out about some of my drunk catastrophes. I asked this guy who he was and he wouldnt say so i hung up then he called again and i told him where to go and thankfully he hasnt been back in touch. I just feel like crying now, and when i read other peoples posts i just feel so sad as life shouldnt be like this, should it?

Thanks again for your kind words, sometimes thats all you need x

[sunshinetoday]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Hi Ya Santy,
Welcome back.
I think that the bottle allows us to do things that we would never in our right minds. Many of us have been there. Once you figure out your goals, you can start to accomplish them. There is so much support here. I hope the best for you. You are not alone.

[AMELIA]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Santybury,

I too can relate to your comment 'I can not see a future with or without alcohol'. I was also terrified of where it would end. I was out of control - but still trying to control my drinking.

I had that awful anxious fearful feeling for more than a decade. I started with the support of MWO, did the tapes, and tried some of the meds and exercised when I could. I floated in and out of sobriety (mainly out). In the end, I just couldn't bear the emptiness and low self esteem and I accepted that I was an alcoholic and could not take a drink because I didn't know where it would take me.

I would not have believed it before I stopped drinking, but now, I can not imagine having alcohol in my life. That is from a practical - 'I know what happens when I drink' place. I can not touch it.
My life is infinitely better without it.
It is hard to see that when we are in the midst of the drinking cycle. But, once we put down the drink, it does get lighter and brighter.

I wish you all the best on your journey to find your way out. Try and get as much support as you can - and be gentle with yourself.

Amelia x

[FlyAway]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

santybury;1149561 wrote: Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I was out this morning and i got a call from some guy asking me to meet him and his mate for sex and he knows where i live and i just dont know who he was or how he got my number. Straight away that shame and guilt is back and now i feel like im being laughed at and watched, just horrible. Could of been a joke call but i feel that im the joke and it is that loss of self respect that I so miss. I have just started to see some one who is genuinly a nice person and im panicking that hes going to find out about some of my drunk catastrophes. I asked this guy who he was and he wouldnt say so i hung up then he called again and i told him where to go and thankfully he hasnt been back in touch. I just feel like crying now, and when i read other peoples posts i just feel so sad as life shouldnt be like this, should it?

Thanks again for your kind words, sometimes thats all you need x

I was just mentioning in another thread how I feel like the last day I drank was the day I died and my first AF day was my rebirth. The only reality is right now. Not what happened in the past and not what might happen in the future. You have no control of either one of them. Right now is real and right now you can live your life and make good decisions. Right now you can change your life and become a whole new person. Don't give your energy to things you can't control.

[santybury]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Thanks x

AMELIA;1149587 wrote: Santybury,

I too can relate to your comment 'I can not see a future with or without alcohol'. I was also terrified of where it would end. I was out of control - but still trying to control my drinking.

I had that awful anxious fearful feeling for more than a decade. I started with the support of MWO, did the tapes, and tried some of the meds and exercised when I could. I floated in and out of sobriety (mainly out). In the end, I just couldn't bear the emptiness and low self esteem and I accepted that I was an alcoholic and could not take a drink because I didn't know where it would take me.

I would not have believed it before I stopped drinking, but now, I can not imagine having alcohol in my life. That is from a practical - 'I know what happens when I drink' place. I can not touch it.
My life is infinitely better without it.
It is hard to see that when we are in the midst of the drinking cycle. But, once we put down the drink, it does get lighter and brighter.

I wish you all the best on your journey to find your way out. Try and get as much support as you can - and be gentle with yourself.

Amelia x

Hi Amelia
Thankyou, you always reply to me and i love hearing what you have to say. Its a dark and lonely place here and if i thought this was it, I would end it today. Everything that I once thought alcohol did for me has become the complete opposite. For me, its no longer sociable as I cant control it and do very unsociable things, I dont go to local pubs anymore, and cant stop at one, most often I cant remember what I have done and I HATE, who I become, what a mess this is x

[santybury]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Thank you Flyaway, Its so good to know im not alone and other people know how I feel. Thankyou x

[Snapdragon]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Hi Santybury

Have you thought of ringing the AA? I'm not a member (never had the guts to turn up for a meeting), however I have called them a couple of times and have found the people on the end of the line so helpful, inspiring and supportive. The people answering are all alcoholics and can relate totally to you and are happy to listen.

I spoke to a chap last week who has been sober for over 20 years, but he explained how he reached rock bottom, how difficult it was for him giving up his two bottles of whiskey a day habit - and how happy and fulfilling his life is today. He volunteers one morning a week for AA talking to people like us.

I just thought if you needed to actually speak to someone and hear a non-judgemental human voice, it might help. X

[Seethepony]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Hey Santy --
Another thing you might want to consider is baclofen. I started taking it in August last year and it killed my urge to drink within a couple of weeks. I reacted positively to relatively low doses so I had an exceptionally easy ride from suicidal drinking to continuous sobriety, which is where I am today, but I am by no means the only one to find that baclofen is as close to a miracle cure as you are going to get. It saved my skinny arse, so I would advise anyone who is as desperate as I was to give it a try.

Good luck beating this bullshit. Everyone here knows what it's like. It can be done, one way or another.

[Bruunhilde]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Hang in there Santy, it took me several years on and off the boards here to get to a place where I felt going AF was something I could reach and desire. I understand the fear of never drinking again, never having fun, never having a drink with your mates. Part of the problem is associating alcohol with fun, which its only fun for the first three drinks that its crap for the next 24 hours. Keep seeking, you'll get better, and you can heal your life and be happier. Keep posting! Its like therapy here - and for every person who posts, there are dozens of others learning from what you go through. We're all works in progress. Bravo to you!

[santybury]

I just cant see a way out, pls help!

Thanks every one for your comments and advice. I feel a bit better today but am still hiding in my bedroom in my house. I have got to go and get my bag and phone from the bar I got pissed in on Saturday and am just dreading it in case they remember me from that night. Its really funny how alcohol makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit, yet I read your messages and here are some of the most kind, thoughful, insightful and caring people I have come across, how weird is that, as I know you have all felt the way i feel. I always try to understand and forgive but cant do that for myself and am my own worst critic. There is a non judgemental kindness on this site that ive not come across before and I wish i could wave a magic wand for everyone here to rid us all of this horrible addiction. Anyway, im rambling, sorry. As for Baclofen, i have some here but was always scared about the high dose people said i should be starting on so any further advice on that?
Thanks again people xxxx