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What is the point?

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    #1

    What is the point?

    Hi,

    Those of you who know me will know I've had quite a few issues to deal with.
    Homelessness, financial problems, crime (against my son) and of course dear old AL.
    Ever since he was born 21years ago (in 13 days time) the sun has risen and set in my sons eyes for me (except for the shit AL mixed in there)
    Last night we were chatting online and he said he isn't sure if he ever wants to see me again but especially DOES NOT want to see me on his birthday.
    I've got to get my washing done today and get to detox again......I'm so sick today from AL and grief.
    Really though canlife possibly get better?
    So much was looking positive, I have a room in a boarding house, govt help and I really thought I was going to be AF and have a new direction in life.
    SHIT I even used this as an excuse to drink!!!!!

    I am so alone.

    Anyone out there who lives alone, how do you find a purpose in life?

    I'm having very severe short term memory issues now (even when sober) and writing notes for myself about everything I do. I sometimes wish I would either not wake up in the morning or just get wet brain so that the pain would end.

    I've done some bad things in my life usually when drunk but I don't think I deserve this hell on earth.

    Willow:upset: that thing looks silly but it is what I am doing
    " I'm not trying to counsel any of you to do anything really special, except to dare to think and to dare to go with the truth and to dare to love completely." -R. Buckminster Fuller
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    #2
    What is the point?

    Oh willow you were the one that was there for me when i first came here so alone. You ARE special and you are worth a lot even if your son cant see it right now.
    He loves you and will thaw out in his own time. Just take one day at a time. Even hour by hour.
    Dont fret about the future, but enjoy your own company (its the hardest thing i learnt to do).
    Learn to enjoy you for all that you are and stop beating yourself up for all that you are not. None of us are perfect so why do we try so hard to be that way? Its my dead brothers birthday today and all i wana do is get smashed but will it help? No. I pray you have some peace wills and I hope that you will hold on to what i have said.
    Love always Pink xoxo
    HOUR BY HOUR, DAY BY DAY

    Comment

      #3
      What is the point?

      I'm sorry Pink--sending you white healing light. xo
      Psalms 119:45


      ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

      St. Francis of Assisi



      I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

      :rays:

      Comment

        #4
        What is the point?

        Thanks to you both.

        I will hold onto it pink and sorry about your brother.
        " I'm not trying to counsel any of you to do anything really special, except to dare to think and to dare to go with the truth and to dare to love completely." -R. Buckminster Fuller

        Comment

          #5
          What is the point?

          Willow---

          You were there for me when I first joined this site before my first stint in rehab...I now have 4 days AF and my mind is s l o w l y coming back. There are problems with the guilt associated with now remembering things I did, but it will only drive me harder to make things right. Blood is thicker than water (& alcohol) but you need to take time. You know addicts are all about instant gratification...get some time AF and realize it will be a long uphill journey to get back to a normal life but it is attainable. I'd like to keep you around friend, without you and some others on here I wouldn't be alive still. Think about the positives like that you have done.

          All my love
          PW
          Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
          WC: He'd think I was a sissy.

          Comment

            #6
            What is the point?

            Thanks PW

            HI

            yes thanks.

            I'm still not in love with WC but until I can find something better for you, I get it.

            I had lots of help today in chat so the water works have stopped and the toolbox is looking full.

            Can't detox for a few days as the clinic is full and I'm a coward as to doing it on my own but I have been here before and did go and will again. They get determined to make sure you will, sort of like "hey we have hooked a fish don't let it get away"....I like feeling like a blue marlin.

            Below is the text from an email I sent to my son today.

            Hi son,

            I am sorry, I put so much pressure on you.
            You must feel that you have got the only ticket in the mum lottery that means you actually have to pay.

            Also that you have heard it all before.

            TRUE

            all true.

            I would like to see you on your birthday but At this point we wouldn't be having fun together and that is all I want for you for your birthday and life in general, so please go ahead and enjoy the day without me but know I will be thinking of you and reliving memories (good ones)

            I will try to be the mother you deserve but think I will always fall short of superwoman - yes that is the least you deserve, that or Aunty Jan. Don't overlook my wonderful sister as a resource and source of love, try to see her as often as you can, she was very instrumental in giving you the love of books.

            No that isn't a suicidal comment,.

            I am going to get a life, stop being needy and pathetic.

            You are a sweet and wonderful person.

            Never again will I say you are the best thing that happened in my life because I realise now that saying that puts so much weight on your shoulders....like you have to be incredible for me......you are incredible but it should be for you (or maybe Mike)! It also kind of makes you a thing that happened to me, not a person which you are.

            I would like to keep chatting to you online but will limit that too or suspend it alltogether for a time if you want, please let me know and in deciding do not think of me, think of yourself.....you don't do that often enough.

            Just one more request........use your full name with pride........Alexander was in there for some reason...I didn't think of it, it just was and in being is you. Adam = man of the red earth, John = gift of God, Alexander = leader of men, you are all these things. You shared with me why you want to be an actor and I think that is tied to Alexander, don't cut the knot! Again I did not think of it....what I thought was that you would be David John but that was wrong the moment I looked at you.

            I am glad you are proud of your grandfather, the medals are somewhere in the boxes. As you cook think of your nanna we never talked about her enough, she loved the colour pink.

            Love

            I put my name here....not mum
            " I'm not trying to counsel any of you to do anything really special, except to dare to think and to dare to go with the truth and to dare to love completely." -R. Buckminster Fuller

            Comment

              #7
              What is the point?

              Wow Willow--you've done a 360 already. Good job. Please don't ever stop signing as Mom though even if he chooses to call you by name for now. OK?:l
              Psalms 119:45


              ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

              St. Francis of Assisi



              I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

              :rays:

              Comment

                #8
                What is the point?

                Willow, you're sounding very much like you're heading in a good direction for you and your son. I wish you the best and encourage you to keep using the tools here and the boards/chat even as you go through detox if you can. That way when you're out, there will still be continuity.

                Sending healing thoughts your way...

                b

                Comment

                  #9
                  What is the point?

                  Hi willow keeep going forward & well done.


                  :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

                  Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
                  I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

                  This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    What is the point?

                    Willow...I'm a mum...similar with one of my kids...what you wrote was brave and strong...I had a mum who was an alcoholic...and I was so very angry/hurt/lost/etc...if she had written that/if I could write that...so much would be/could be different...heartwise/ emotionally/burdenwise etc...I am in awe of you and people like you..here...you inspire and strengthen me and others...
                    Don't give up...
                    So many people here for you :wave: big love x
                    ...peace and quiet....and a cup of tea.....heaven:h

                    Comment

                      #11
                      What is the point?

                      I'm having all sorts of computer problems, so I write this with some supernatural faith.
                      ALL of my support group are fed up.
                      So am I as it turns out!
                      You know I love/hate DR PHIL ( CAPS LOCK IS ACTING UP ) BUT I do like the idea of a soft place to land.....don't have one,. I am extremely tempted to go back to a former partner who offers this, but he lives in a part of the country I do not like. He wants forever but I cannot give him that...I cannot do that to him, I hurt him enough already.
                      The dream though of those loving gentle arms wrapped around me...so nice...so relaxing...so what I KNOW he has to offer...and I could be safe...but he would be hurt.
                      Damn
                      " I'm not trying to counsel any of you to do anything really special, except to dare to think and to dare to go with the truth and to dare to love completely." -R. Buckminster Fuller

                      Comment

                        #12
                        What is the point?

                        Hi Willow
                        Was so saded 2 read your post.I hope u r going ok.I wish that u were still at Ettalong so that I could pop around and see u.U have had such a struggle in your life that I no since knowing u.I have spoke 2 Adam on a few occasions in the past whilst trying 2 contact u he sounds such a polite lovely guy u have 2 take some of the credit 4 that.I am sorry 4 u that Adam feels that way about not seeing u 4 his 21st.I no full well what u r feeling I haven't cn my 20 year old 4 2 and half years.Our kids have deal with their issues mayb that come from our drinking in their way even though it hurts us.We can't change the past will ,we can only change the future.Last time we spoke on chat u were hoping 2 go 2 detox that week I hope it happens 4 u soon,in the mean time keep your chin up!!!That old Aussie saying when things get tough the tough get going and u r 1 very tough and strong women.I am here 4 u will and feel your pain please contact me any time day or nite for support I mean that don't care if it's wee hours of the morning please ring.Hope things work out 4 u ,I am thinking of u.Love Stump (Vicki)xx

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