What do I do?

[thebigdog]

Hello, I am a teenager who found some posts a parent of mine made here two years regarding alcoholism. I had always suspected something but I didn't know it was as bad as it was. The parent in question has not made any posts in two years, so I'm wondering if the problem was solved.

How do I handle this? I really wish I hadn't seen them, but it's important that I did. It saddens me that said parent would rather confront a website (no offense) than their own family, especially when they claim their spouse doesn't understand.

What do I do? Do I confront them or just hope everything is alright?

[stirly-girly]

What do I do?

Dear Big Dog.

I am troubled by your post since I understand it must have been a big shock to find that your parent was/is a member of this forum and to realize that the problem was bad enough that he/she knew they had to get help. It does mean tho' that they recognized that there was a problem with alcohol and that they reached out for help. That, at least is a positive thing. Not admitting that you have a problem and not doing anything about it is much worse.

First, I want to address the fact that your parent came here to find help with his/her problem with alcohol. Many times it is difficult for a family member or friend and even for a professional such as a doctor or councellor to fully understand what it means to be an alcoholic. Personally, I can't discuss it with my husband because he doesn't understand how I can't stop at one or two drinks when he can. When I tried to talk to my GP about it and asked for her help in finding a support group in the area where I live, she told me to see a psychiatrist and practically threw me out of her office with a disgusting look on her face because I admitted to drinking over half a bottle of hard liquor each night. There is also the feeling of shame and self-disgust that a lot of us alkies have. Many of us want to fix our "problem" first and then, if we have the courage, talk to our friends and family about it, since we can never be sure what their reaction will be. Whether we will get the warm and loving support that we need or we will be treated like outcasts because we're "drunks". It is much, much easier for us to talk and indeed to open up to people who have the same problem as we have and know exactly what we're talking about. And often, in the beginning of our journey towards sobriety, it is easier to "hide" behind a computer screen than it is to face other people at a meeting of some kind of support group such as AA.

I don't have much advice as to how to handle this or how to approach your parent since each person and each situation is unique even tho' we're all bound by the same problem. Since we don't know which member you're talking about, we can't know whether there had been progress in the recovery process and your parent got to the point where he/she felt they were strong enough to stand on their own or perhaps found a support group in their area. Hopefully, that is the situation. Members move on but members also stop posting because they fail time and time again to stop drinking or moderate and they feel ashamed that they're still not able to manage to get and stay free of alcohol. Unfortunately, that happens often and it shouldn't. There is always support here for anyone who needs help and support no matter how many times they are asking for it.

If you feel that you can approach your parent and that you can accept the fact that he/she has a problem with alcohol, perhaps it would be a good idea to have a talk with them. Especially if you can offer your love and support, even at such a young age, and try to understand that being an alcoholic is not something anyone chooses to be - it's something they become - and no one really knows why. Some people, such as myself, believe that it is, in part, inherited. That is why we often see many alcoholics in one family, among several generations.

I don't know if this reply will help you at all but I truly hope that if you do approach your parent about their problem with alcohol and their membership here at MWO, that you will learn that they are in recovery and one of the reasons they left here was that they were strong enough to move on. If not, and the problem is still continuing, perhaps you and your family will be able to offer support and understanding by accepting that the alcoholic is not to blame for this disease and most want very badly to change their life and rid it of alcohol. I suggest that you read as much as you can about alcoholism so you can better understand what it is. I'm sure that reading posts here at MWO will give you better insight as well.

Again, I hope this has a happy ending and that alcohol is simply no longer a part of your parent's life.

Stirly

[daisy45]

What do I do?

thebigdog;1150614 wrote: Hello, I am a teenager who found some posts a parent of mine made here two years regarding alcoholism. I had always suspected something but I didn't know it was as bad as it was. The parent in question has not made any posts in two years, so I'm wondering if the problem was solved.

How do I handle this? I really wish I hadn't seen them, but it's important that I did. It saddens me that said parent would rather confront a website (no offense) than their own family, especially when they claim their spouse doesn't understand.

What do I do? Do I confront them or just hope everything is alright?

Hi. My feelings are that you need to speak to the parent involved. He/she will explain things to you as I know I would if my teenager came across the same thing. There is no point in you wondering and reading things into this until you do.
This is not 'just' a website. People come here to meet people going through similar experiences; all varying in how serious they are......or not!
Sometimes no matter how close we are to those that we love, each of us, including yourself may feel the need to express our feelings privately, in a safe place, where we know no-one will judge you. Bit like a 'diary' experience.
I dont know how you 'came across' what you did, but you did. I feel out of respect and love for your 'said' parent that the right thing to do is speak to him/her as soon as you can. You will be glad when you do.
I hope this helps in some way........

[Seethepony]

What do I do?

My dad is the last person I'd go to to discuss my alcoholism; and I'm sure I'd be the last person he'd go to to discuss his beinganassolism ...

Unless you're a very weird family that has no secrets whatsoever, I'd be grateful that you don't have a parant come begging you for advice. Cos what could you tell them anyway?! Ace at geometry you may be - alcohol abuse guru you ain't -(I hope)

[mario]

What do I do?

thebigdog;1150614 wrote: Hello, I am a teenager who found some posts a parent of mine made here two years regarding alcoholism. I had always suspected something but I didn't know it was as bad as it was. The parent in question has not made any posts in two years, so I'm wondering if the problem was solved.

How do I handle this? I really wish I hadn't seen them, but it's important that I did. It saddens me that said parent would rather confront a website (no offense) than their own family, especially when they claim their spouse doesn't understand.

What do I do? Do I confront them or just hope everything is alright?

For people who have not got alcohol problems it is very hard to understand people who do,some times it is easier to talk anonymously online than to talk face to face with family or close friends,and for a site like this in the majority of cases you are not judged,You can approach this gently and see if they are still drinking and if so offer support & some understanding and try get them to come back here.If there ok well what can you do? You can still offer support as beating this addition is not easy for anyone.

Good post stirly.

[RingingCedars]

What do I do?

You've received some excellent feedback thebigdog. I would reiterate that you should really do some homework into alcohol abuse (whatever one wants to call it) and then with compassion share your feelings with that parent and offer your love and support. Remember we all, are only human.

[willowfrond]

What do I do?

Hi

No do not confront or think everything is all right. Have there been changes since the posts? How long ago wer the posts?
Do you drink too much or a friend or relative? If so then opening a dialogue saying (true or not) that is maybe a problem could be revealing.
Alcoholics are sneaky, we are usually really good people but we hide very well, you need to be aware of that. Until your alcoholic gets sober you will need to check everything they say multiple times.

[KateH1]

What do I do?

Hi Bigdog,

As far as your parent coming to My Way Out, do not feel down about this. At least they were and possibly still are, seeking answers to their issues with alcohol.

My suggestion for you is to try "Alanon". This part of Alcoholics Anonomous designed for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Dealing with a parent who is an alcoholic can be confusing, sad, and sometimes quite frightening and very difficult to figure out on your own.

Best Wishes,
Kate

[Dewdrop]

What do I do?

I wasn?t going to respond to this post because it made me feel particularly uneasy when I first read it but I have come back to it and have read the responses which I think are heartfelt and helpful. I trust you take my comment with the good intentions behind them.

My initial problem is with the first part of your post - I am a teenager who found some posts a parent of mine made here two years regarding alcoholism. I had always suspected something but I didn't know it was as bad as it was.
Okay, how did you actually find posts made here by your parent two years ago ? You can?t know their username or password and you can?t simply ?discover? these posts you must have been snooping on your parent and not just at this moment in time you have gone back into their history for years (correct me if I?m wrong). How would you feel if you found out that your parents were snooping into your own personal letters/diaries, emails etc. for years and making judgements and assumptions about you? Because let?s face it that?s what you have done, unless you speak to the person you don't know the facts.

Secondly, you say The parent in question has not made any posts in two years, so I'm wondering if the problem was solved.
Well what do you think? And is it any of your business? Are you here because the situation is worse and the parent is obviously an alcoholic and their drinking is out of control? Or are you digging up stuff from the past that has no bearing on things now because they are AF or successfully modding? I am trying to understand your motives, and I have to agree with the sentiments of Seethepony.

Thirdly, you say It saddens me that said parent would rather confront a website (no offense) than their own family, especially when they claim their spouse doesn't understand. What do I do? Do I confront them or just hope everything is alright?
If your parent would rather seek help and support from MWO and didn?t feel they were getting that support from their spouse and that the spouse did not understand the problem why would you feel it?s your right 2 years later to confront them. You could really open a whole can of worms by confronting your parent now but only you know the extent of your relationship and whether your parent would see it as an invasion of their privacy or support.

As a teenager I feel you are not in a position of experience and knowledge to fully understand this disease or the kind of support that is required to guide someone -in my humble opinion. I do however think you are sympathetic and caring and concerned about your parent and I wish you well whatever you decide to do. Please read as much as you can about this disease so that you are equipped and come back and let us know how you get on.

Dewdrop :h

[InChains]

What do I do?

thebigdog - I kinda think people are being a bit harsh on you here, its amazing how much a teenager can understand (I'm 18, I've been here on and off since 16). If your parents came here, they don't want you to know, they're probably frightened you'll think less of them, alot of us here are probably scared of what other people would think if they knew - its why we're part of a community with the same disease, no shame here right? If your parent shows no obvious signs of alcoholism I would assume that coming here was their wake up call and they've found their way out. I wouldn't confront them unles you genuinely see evidence they're in danger and need a wake up call like that.

As for hwo you cope with it? we have a section here for relatives of people with drinkign problems, and I'm sure people would be happy to talk to you, help you understand things and your feelings about them. It must be upsetting and a shock for you - personally I'd like to say if I can offer any help I'd be glad to

xIC

[Bruunhilde]

What do I do?

Big Dog,

Do you feel alcohol is disrupting your family life? If so, you have a right to confront that issue with your parents.

I don't feel you should judge your parent for seeking help from us here. Your parent was doing the right thing by his/her family by seeking help and a way out of drinking too much.

Some people on this site drink or drank alot, and some just had a glass or two of wine too often, so don't jump to conclusions about the extent of the issue without knowing the details. If you know those details, you can try to understand that this is a disease pattern that is exceptionally difficult to get rid of. There is no magic pill for everyone. If there was, your parent would have tried it more than likely.

When you ask "do I confront them or just hope..." I would change the word from "confront" to something less argumentative, maybe "ask" would be better and convey lack of judgement. Note that alcoholics are defensive because the disease carries a negative connotation and society condemns alcoholics all the time, causing poor self worth - and fear of discovery.

Thus if you do bring this up, make sure you have a clear reason to do so (fixing a broken family dynamic for example) and do it with love and kindness. Open your heart and don't be afraid. Your parent has been trying to protect you from something that BOTH YOUR PARENTS FELT you were too young to understand, too inexperienced to be exposed to. This was not something either parent felt you were ready to take on, OR they felt it wasn't enough of a problem despite what your parent may have said online.

I would stress that you and any siblings you may have be VERY careful with alcohol. As someone already mentioned, alcoholism often runs in the family. I wish my parents had warned me before I first had alcohol, that both their fathers were alcoholics.

For me, it was instant relief from immense anxiety I didn't realize was as bad as it was. It was like I felt "normal" for the first time in my life and could let my guard down. That's a very freeing feeling, and addicting. Once you feel that good, you want it again and again and if you go through, as everyone does, rough spots in your life, it becomes an escape or a reward at the end of a difficult day.

Please be careful and kind in whatever you decide to do.

[Doggygirl]

What do I do?

Hi Big Dog. This must be very confusing and frightening for you. I think lots of good information has already been shared.

If you think there is an on-going alcohol issue with one of your parents, I agree with Kate1's suggestion that you consider contacting your local Alanon Family Groups. There is a benefit in talking to others who share the same issues, just like it is beneficial for those of us with drinking problems to communicate here.

Please know that alcoholics do not become alcoholics because we are bad people. Some people drink and never have a problem. Other people drink and are "grabbed" by alcohol. It's not a choice. The best way to insure that you are never "grabbed" by alcohol or any other addictive substances is to not use them.

Good luck to you.

DG

[beautifulred]

What do I do?

Old, if this is you....please come to me. If not, I would suggest that any teen who runs across this site and finds posts by their parents understand that their parent knew they were in trouble and was seeking help. THAT is the important thing...if they did nothing, then there is reason to worry. Be gentle and non judgemental.....your parent might have figured his/her way out of this horrible situation.

BTW...hi everyone....haven't been on for a coons age but have lurked a few times!

[crocster]

What do I do?

Hi BigDog,

When I decided to stop drinking this time it was after many previous attempts. I wasn't very confident myself that this time would be different and didn't want to announce it to family and then feel ashamed and weak some time later if I went back to old habits. It's been 2 months now and I have told one of my partners' 3 children who I'm closest to but will wait a while with the others. As others here have said it's hard for those without a problem to really understand what it's like living with and dealing with an addiction.
You don't say how your parent is doing now but perhaps this was part of their reason for opening up on a forum like this rather than with family. You could raise the issue in general terms and see if they want to open up. If not leave it to them to decide when if at all.

[thebigdog]

What do I do?

Just as an FYI, I wasn't snooping around. I was in said parent's room, and saw they they had "My Way Out" open on their computer screen. I didn't think much of it, but with a name like that, it was probably serious. I googled it on my own computer and when I found out it was an alcoholic's forum, I sort of froze and went into denial. About a month later, I couldn't take it any longer, and managed to find the posts. There weren't many, but they were tough to read.

I am sorry for my apparent ignorance regarding alcoholism. While I can't say I know from experience, I understand that it is immensely difficult to deal with and discussing it with the ones you love is also immensely difficult.