I surrender

[Bean]

Everything has spiralled out of control in the last month. I've been drinking every day, earlier in the day. Yesterday was a new low when I poured my first drink at 7am. I called my boyfriend for help. Tried to go to work that afternoon and pretty much collapsed and admitted my problem to my boss. I left early and my boyfriend took care of me - have been experiencing nasty withdrawals though they seem to be easing up slightly.

Feeling stupid, worthless and guilty. Also scared. I did quit for 3 months earlier this year so i know I can do it but can I make it stick? Feels like I only have the tiniest scrap of energy to stop. Sometimes I wish I would just pass out and never wake up. This is not life.

[Doggygirl]

I surrender

Hi Bean. Is your boyfriend with you now? I think it's good to have an understanding person with you when you start coming to some of these realizations about the full scope of the problem. I was fortunate to have my husband there with me. Especially since you mention withdrawals. That is nothing to mess with. I printed out some of the info that is "stickied" about withdrawals at the top of this "Need Help ASAP" section and had my husband keep an eye on me.

I completely understand what it feels like to realize that being in the AL prison is no way to live. And AL can sure keep us fooled letting us think WE are in charge of our drinking when in fact, the drinking is in charge of us. That was a difficult pill for me to swallow too. And I was pouring drinking earlier than 7AM before I finally was willing to accept the truth. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The good news is that you DID stop for a decent amount of time and therefore, you can do it again. I hope some time this weekend when you feel up to it, you will consider making a written plan. I had to be willing to go to any length. I have never regretted that decision and I don't think you will either. I have my life back and you will too.

DG

[Bean]

I surrender

Good old DG to the rescue! Thanks for your quick reply. My boyfriend went out with his daughter for a couple of hours. It was scary to realize that I was having withdrawals as opposed to a hangover. I guess this is why I've been drinking earlier and earlier - just to take the edge off. I feel really ungrounded today, my mind is very slow but my body feels as if it might just float away. Haven't eaten since Thursday night and can't manage to get anything down yet. Maybe later this afternoon.

I am continually amazed at the BS and excuses I make to myself around my drinking. The effort to try and keep myself together is immense and I think I've finally reached the end of the line. I just can't carry on like this. Yet it's still so hard to accept the AL has go to go completely. Why is this? I don't get it. Why doesn't being held hostage by this poison make me want to stop? It's the most terrible, awful, lonely place to be and strips me of everything I want to be and do. But still I continue...

Drives me crazy.

[Doggygirl]

I surrender

Bean, please don't be hard on yourself. The insanity of wanting to continue drinking something that is deadly is just the nature of addiction. If it were as simple as applying some logic, then we would all either easily be sober or easily be drinking in moderation.

Logic doesn't work here.

Alcoholics helping each other works. And lot of other tools to incorporate into a solid plan - those work.

I was so shocked when I first found out that there are alcohol dependent people in every walk of life - MOST of us are not living under bridges.

You will get through this!!!! I hope you can eat something soon. Are you drinking a lot of water? With lemon in it?

DG

[Accountable for Me]

I surrender

Bean, you definitely are not alone and coming to this board is going to help you.

In the peak of my drinking career, I, too, was drinking in the morning when it was in the house. I loved to drink in the morning. Dunno why, but I did.

A complete waste of the whole day!!

Addiction is very complicated. Don't batter yourself up. You are not alone, and there are so many people here who completely get what you are saying and doing to yourself who are willing to help you.

It seriously is a 'One Day at a Time' process.

Keep reaching out, Bean. We are here for you. Try to eat as DG has said. Lots of water and if you have lemon, it really helps with detox.

I hope your withdrawals aren't too bad. If you start withdrawing badly, and fear something may happen, then please go and seek out medical attention. They can prescribe you something to help.

xoxo

[Guitarista]

I surrender

Hang in there Bean. I can't find any logic to why we drink poison and keep going back for more either.
All i know is what i feel and what i see. And it feel's crap, and is a complete waste of our time. Try to eat something small like a piece of toast or something. Your body will be needing some nutrition, so maybe a Doctor would be a good place to start for advice.

Look at this as your new beginning and go for it.

Best wishes. G-bloke.

[Bean]

I surrender

Thanks all. I finally managed to eat something. I think/hope I am through the worst. Feel emotionally empty - hard to see a way forward through this and can't go back either. Just have to remember that the energy and enthusiasm for life returns as soon as I stop pouring crap down my throat.

Bean

[ATLThrash]

I surrender

Bean-- I know it seems so hard now-- but believe it or not in about 3 or 4 days if you stick with this you will feel so so so much better. Then it is nowhere but up. Good luck

[ATLThrash]

I surrender

P.S. When I surrendered finally it made a huge difference for me. Maybe it will for you too

[Bean]

I surrender

I hope so too. I was just saying to my boyfriend how angry I am that this is my 'thing' in life that constantly trips me up. And I'm SO stubborn and I REALLY wanted to beat it and prove I was stronger than AL. But I'm not. Can't win this one. That really p***es me off. Oh well - there are worse battles to lose in life.......

[K9Lover]

I surrender

Bean-
It will get better, believe that. Once you put the poison down, you will begin to heal. It seems so hard at first, I know. Be thankful for you boyfiends support, and rely on it, it will make it easier. Get through the first 3-4 days and things will get easier.
I've never really had much support (except for here, of course). My family doesn't even realize how bad I was. The only people that know the truth are my best friend and my doctor (who prescribed Antabuse), and my daughter (who unfortunately witnessed the downard spiral). My work never knew (maybe suspected, but my boss is an alcoholic too and thinks it's funny). I finally got tired of going to work hungover, dizzy, nauseated, tingling limbs, seeing stars as though I'd pass out any minute....tired of finding new liquor stores to stop at every day (so I wouldn't look like an alcholic, right?)...tired of spending $18-20 a day on a 12 pack and cigarettes. It wasn't fun anymore. It hadn't been for a long time.
You can do it Bean, just stay strong, for you ARE stronger than this...take it easy the first few days, and stick close to the boards, the support is amazing.
Best of luck to you...keep us posted on your progress.
:h K9

[Lavande]

I surrender

Bean :l

I'm here to tell you that I am also a very stubborn person BUT when I realized that I can put my stubborness to work for me instead of against me everything changed!!!

You can do that too, I know you can

Hope today is a good one for you!

Lav

[mama bear]

I surrender

Hugs Bean.....

[Doggygirl]

I surrender

Hi Bean. Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you this morning. I read something in one of my textbooks that reminded me of me, and maybe a little of you and lots of us here also. It was talking about how in addiction, we feel we have to "win" over our substances. That battle is part of what keeps us stuck - going back time and time again to try to prove to ourselves that we CAN have "one." That we CAN control it, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The suggestion in this particular text is that part of this determination to "win" such a losing battle is part of our culture.

At any rate, that whole thing then reminded me of Chief (where is he by the way???) and how he used to describe the battle with AL being like fighting with AL in a boxing ring. As long as we stay in the ring for the fight, we are going to lose. The only way to win is to step out of the ring.

That analogy really resonated with me and I will never forget it. He said that to me when I was in a place that seems similar to where you are now. Really on the fence about committing to an AF life. I knew it was what I needed to do. I really knew I could never win if I kept fighting. But I didnt' want to.

I hope you find the freedom that comes with acceptance like so many of us here have found. If they can do it - maybe I can do it. And if I can do it - I know you can do it too.

DG

[Chillgirl]

I surrender

DG - I love the analogy of the boxing ring! Yip its a battle we can never win and each knock is killing us a bit more.

Bean - Remember that in battle the true victor is the one who knows he cant win and chooses to save his men instead, the true winner is the one that walks away.

To conquer oneself is a greater victory than to conquer thousands in a battle