Feel like killing myself

[Daya]

Hi guys, Well, here it goes, I will tell the whole sordid story, hold nothing back for a change. I hope I am not judged to harshly...

Initially I was doing really well, AF for 2 weeks, then last week went to a work function, had nothing to eat all day, decided not to drink until the food came around, and had water. The first food was seafood, which I'm allergic too, so of course I started drinking. By 3 wines, I was visibly drunk. Said some really awful things about a colleague to another very important colleague, then had a total blank out on the last 2 hours. Raved to my boss, apparently. I am in a high profile position with this company....

To add to this absolute mess , I have been having an affair with a work collegue who was there for 2 years, who is married, and who i seduced whilst drunk years ago.

Apparently i went back to a hotel with him after the work function . I have hardly any memory of it, and he said he didn't realise I was so drunk. he is pretty much a tee-totala, and has been trying to stop me drinking for years. We love each other very much, but have no intention of leaving our partners for each other.

The next day, I Felt sooo ashamed. So what do i do? I get drunk again, spin out on an issue with my married friend, send him a nasty hurtful drunken email..ending our relationship. He is sweet, understanding, makes me promise to stop drinking.....I feel more and more like shit, the self loathing is crippling.

So fast foreword to the next week. I hadn't drunk all week, had another dinner with the same people planned for that week, knew the only way to redeem myself was with no alcohol at all. So I go to the dinner, my boss takes me aside and tells me that the awful things I said to him about the work colleague were told to him, and to deal with my drinking. I don't drink at all at dinner. I see my lover later, we make love with me sober for one of my first times in the last 12 years...absolutely an eye opener for me..

So I am pleased that I can control my drinking (I think). Last night, I am at home, as i have mentioned before, my partner is a heavy alcoholic, there is always wine here...I think " I'll just have 1 drink" that turns into a bottle, get all wound up about ongoing issues I'm having with my affair ( basically I am not dealing with the guilt very well drunk or sober)


Write a really nasty email to my incredibly kind, supportive lover and accidentally send it .. He is understandably hurt, upset, and we finally break of our relationship. With much love and understanding on his part.. Actually I am relieved that he has done this, I have tried countless times in the past.

I feel hollow, dead inside, can't even cry...like something that has crawled out of the gutter....

I don't know what i am asking for here...i have no one I can really talk to about this, and am hesitant posting something so descriptive that may give me away....but I feel I have finally reached rock bottom.

[SKendall]

Feel like killing myself

Daya, when we are drunks we leave much wreckage behind us, In sobering up it's better ro repair as soon as you are able. I can well imagine how depression feels right now, but suicide is a permanent end to a temporary situation.

Check out The Tool Box

Try and so something for you and keep close to the boards, we will help you:l:l

[Kaslo]

Feel like killing myself

Your description is pretty searing. There are a ton of people here who can relate to this, and have similar awful stories. I am one of those people. Your life is pretty much being controlled by alcohol right now, whether you realise it or not. The tool box is worth consulting...

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html


Daya, my dear sister died by suicide in 1981 after a major battle with her husband and a huge alcohol problem. If only she had some guidance and someone to talk to! Please get some assistance, either call the local suicide line or go to the emerg. Tell the doc the same thing you told us. Dont worry about being judged. People are going to judge you, but F& them. This is serious, and its scary, especially when you get to the numb stage, so please, please try to get with someone who can talk you down. Let us know how you are doing, I will be watching out for ya.

Kas

[Dave_]

Feel like killing myself

Daya,
Alcohol is but a catalyst for us to release the demons of our minds. Your affair needed some resolution and your acting out was your sub concious needing to vent. Normal people rage and and simmer for years while we wait for the bottle to allow us to release our inner bile at those unfortunate enough to be around us at the time. Let go of the guilt. What we see as conduct unworthy of forgiveness is often just our inner self telling us that we have allowed something that should remain private to become public.

Allow yourself your mistakes because no amount of self loathing will take your actions back. Own them and don't shy from them, at the end of the day you have to live with your self.

Taking your own life is no solution, the worst day alive is better than the best day dead. If you are serious about this as an option take yourself straight to a doctor of some health care professional and get it sorted now. More than anything you will inflict a life time of pain on those around you and that is just not fair, no one's life deserves to be burdened with that level of guilt and pain.

We are a unique breed and we dont deserve the ridicule or pity of others. We are the worlds survivors and we face our battles daily. Those that make it through gain an inner strength that others can only dream of. Expect the pitfalls but stop looking at your self as unworthy, you are but a warrior facing a lifes battle that others never have to encounter. Out of it will come a person with a level of self awareness that others can only hope to achieve.

Stand tall, own your mistakes and forge for a better life. You are not lost just on a journey.

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

Thank you so much everyone.

And particularly this, Dave. I don't think I have ever been so deeply moved, or touched by strangers in my whole life... The feeling of wanting to end it all is passing, mainly due to the incredible love and suport I feel here. I used to work as a counselor, and I would tell suicidal people" you don't want to end your life, you just want an end to the life your living"

Being here has reminded me if this.

I know that AL is creating most of the problems in my life..
I have checked out the tool box , will do it again.
I will post again when I have some privacy, but again, I wanted to say axgewrtfelt thank you to you wonderful, kind, amazing people. Xxx

Dave_;1182288 wrote: Daya,
Alcohol is but a catalyst for us to release the demons of our minds. Your affair needed some resolution and your acting out was your sub concious needing to vent. Normal people rage and and simmer for years while we wait for the bottle to allow us to release our inner bile at those unfortunate enough to be around us at the time. Let go of the guilt. What we see as conduct unworthy of forgiveness is often just our inner self telling us that we have allowed something that should remain private to become public.

Allow yourself your mistakes because no amount of self loathing will take your actions back. Own them and don't shy from them, at the end of the day you have to live with your self.

Taking your own life is no solution, the worst day alive is better than the best day dead. If you are serious about this as an option take yourself straight to a doctor of some health care professional and get it sorted now. More than anything you will inflict a life time of pain on those around you and that is just not fair, no one's life deserves to be burdened with that level of guilt and pain.

We are a unique breed and we dont deserve the ridicule or pity of others. We are the worlds survivors and we face our battles daily. Those that make it through gain an inner strength that others can only dream of. Expect the pitfalls but stop looking at your self as unworthy, you are but a warrior facing a lifes battle that others never have to encounter. Out of it will come a person with a level of self awareness that others can only hope to achieve.

Stand tall, own your mistakes and forge for a better life. You are not lost just on a journey.

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

Thank you Kas... The numb stage describes exactly how I felt today... I am so sorry to gear about your sister...


QUOTE=Kaslo;1182272]Your description is pretty searing. There are a ton of people here who can relate to this, and have similar awful stories. I am one of those people. Your life is pretty much being controlled by alcohol right now, whether you realise it or not. The tool box is worth consulting...

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html


Daya, my dear sister died by suicide in 1981 after a major battle with her husband and a huge alcohol problem. If only she had some guidance and someone to talk to! Please get some assistance, either call the local suicide line or go to the emerg. Tell the doc the same thing you told us. Dont worry about being judged. People are going to judge you, but F& them. This is serious, and its scary, especially when you get to the numb stage, so please, please try to get with someone who can talk you down. Let us know how you are doing, I will be watching out for ya.

Kas[/QUOTE]

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

An end to the wreckage.

SKendall;1182260 wrote: Daya, when we are drunks we leave much wreckage behind us, In sobering up it's better ro repair as soon as you are able. I can well imagine how depression feels right now, but suicide is a permanent end to a temporary situation.

Check out The Tool Box

Try and so something for you and keep close to the boards, we will help you:l:l

Thank you Skendall , I am finally taking all the help I can get.

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

Thanks Molly, your so kind. I will give it 30 days, at least. I also made a promise to my dear friend, which I need to keep. I have hurt both of us enough.
Xxx

QUOTE=mollyka;1182268]Daya, I really feel for you, you just feel everything is closing in on you I think. Sounds like every aspect of your life feels like a mess? Look, I've been there - not the same circumstances, but family rows, angry partners, work problems, the whole shebang, and in the depths of a bottle, I sometimes thought I'd be better off dead.
The depression and anxiety I experienced whilst drinking was horrible - truly horrible.

What I would say to you is, we are always better off alive, there is always something we can salvage out of a mess. I needn't say(need I?) that the drink is the root of nearly all the problems you have, and if you could agree with yourself to knock it on the head - even just give it 30 days and see how you feel then?

Re. the work thing, most folks here would have found themselves in similar situations. What we consider an unfixable mess, to most people you work with it's a 7 day wonder - the next person who screws up in the job, will then be talked about - maybe approach the boss and just tell him you screwed up, but it won't happen again?

It's all down to the drink hun. just promise yourself ODAT to give it a rest for a period, and then re assess all facets of your life - thinking of you:l
Molly[/QUOTE]

[Guitarista]

Feel like killing myself

Best wishes on your journey Daya.

Sober life is something to be felt to be believed. You are free, you are worth it, you mean something, and really can achieve anything. 30 day's alcohol free is a good start.

Go for it.

G-bloke.

[patrice]

Feel like killing myself

Molly and Dave,

wonderful thoughtful and inspiring posts..
Daya , darl go well
And for me I'm now energised for my fight as well
Thanks
Patrcice xx

[greeneyes]

Feel like killing myself

Daya things can be very different in many good ways after a period of AF time. As G said, You are worth it!

[Doggygirl]

Feel like killing myself

Hi Daya. Just wanted to add another welcome to My Way Out. :welcome:

Alcohol was dominating my life too in the end. I can relate to the problems you have experienced with your boss and work colleagues - been there done that. I was in so much denial that when my boss flew into town with the HR lady in tow, to discuss my drinking, I ulitmately quit my 6 figure job rather than address my AL problem. Sounds like you have a chance to pursue a better outcome work wise, but asking for help.

My personal relationships also suffered at the hand of AL. My real wake up call was similar to yours - realizing that life had gotten very small, AL was in charge of it, and the best solution I could think of was suicide as my way out. I thank the universe every day that I was too chicken to follow through with that idea.

My life is so totally different now and yours will be too. AL is the evil at the heart of it. I'm glad you are talking about 30 days AF. Once the fog starts to clear, I hope all of the problems come into better perspective and you can see your way forward.

As G said - you are worth it!

DG

[Prest4time]

Feel like killing myself

Having a loved one commit suicide as a result of the effects of alcohol is enough for my life. Dave, your advice is everything I wanted to say, but you said it better.

There is always hope, and I dont' mean to sound rhetorical, but I "hope" that everyone understands that life gets SO much better when you eliminate alcohol, or learn to moderate it in a healthy way. Some can do this, some cannot. But the bottom line you have to ask yourself is, "is alcohol controlling me or am I in control of what I drink?"

We are not accidents, we are here for a purpose. My life has new and more meaning now than ever when I was passing out every night. Life is so amazing now.. I was in such a raw place when I arrived here. Have I arrived fully? Probably not. But I have made HUGE changes, and now I am living the life that I put on hold all during my thirties. Get up, grab your water bottle, and ask yourself, what am I going to do with my life today? What impact will my life have... good or bad? It's never too late to change and do something really cool!!

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

Thank you Guys/ and Gals

I feel so much better today, after an AF night, and reading all the lovely supportive posts here. It truly is inspirational and heartwarming to hear how others have gone through, and come out the other side.

Prest4time: my father died of alcohol related deceases, quite young (my age, i just realised...now THAT'S a sobering thought) .My heart goes out to you.

Doggygirl: Thank you for the warm welcome, it is very much appreciated what you said about quiting your job actually made me laugh, at least you showed perseverance with your drinking Actually my boss was pretty supportive, and I think was happy that I did not drink at all at the dinner. Thanks for sharing how you got over it.

Guitarista and Patrice, thank you also

And I hope you all have a lovely day.

[IAD]

Feel like killing myself

Daya......Their is more to life than the natural realm. The problems that you have in your life will carry over into your after life ! Here and now you can take care of your problems.....in the after life you can't. Think about it. Tony