Feel like killing myself

[daisy45]

Feel like killing myself

Daya, I'm glad things are looking a little brighter for you. Just wanted you to know I wish you well - I couldn't possible add to any of the wonderful advice you've already gotten here, especially from Dave.
So I look forward to hearing more from you and how things are going......:l:h

[mama bear]

Feel like killing myself

Eveyone has said it all Daya...I too get dark, evil thoughts when I am in the bottom of the bottle...I just wanted to lend my support....

[Unwasted]

Feel like killing myself

Daya, just sending you "public" support. Wanted to add a hug and tell you that things will get better if you can just hold on. Someday you'll look back and wonder how you contemplated not living. We are here for you. And, remember, we never control alcohol, it always controls us!

[TheSunFlower]

Feel like killing myself

We are not that abnormal

As I have traveled through life.....we are not that much different from normal people. We all have done stupid things.....we all play them over and over in our head. It becomes the death of us. And even though without AL we do less stupid things...life goes on. So be easy on yourself and do what you need to do. We are all human. Just clean up your mess....and try to not make needless new ones.

Because I would love to tell you that once you stop drinking.....that you stop making these. Except for most of us...we don't know how to manage emotions.....and even sober I have said some really stupid things. Getting sober was the first step....to growing.

I have wanted to die many a times.....tried it several.....but at the end of the day it would not solve anything....except I escaped some trival things I though were big at the time. Gosh, if I could only remember them now.

[Unwasted]

Feel like killing myself

Sunflower - nice post.

[RitaNow]

Feel like killing myself

Daya - you have begun an amazing journey. It ALWAYS begins with tears, and wanting to END the LIFE WE ARE LIVING (not end our life. I LOVE THAT).

The first days are very frightening, and exciting, and frightening.

Then those days turn to a week and two, and three. And you realize time didn't stand still, even though some of those days you thought for sure it did!

Then you have bumped over a month. And you take a deep breath ... "I CAN do this"!

A Month turns into TWO, turns into SIX. Turns into a year. And somewhere in the past few months, you have begun working on all of those relationships that were damaged.

May you walk this journey with us .... We can do this .... together and where ever we live.

Much love to you

[RudyB]

Feel like killing myself

daya, i've just read your initial post. haven't read anything else yet. just wanted to extend my support and say i hope things have been looking up since then.

xo rudy b

[Doggygirl]

Feel like killing myself

Yes daya - I too hope you are doing OK today. If you see this, pop in and just let us know you are OK, OK?

DG

[RudyB]

Feel like killing myself

wow! what a beautiful group of people has assembled here. good golly it's a big PHEW. i came here because a lurker-turned-poster on the meds forum indicated that someone had posted she wanted to kill herself, but went unnoticed for a while as we were busy warring on home turf. ERGH! i never even THOUGHT of coming over here to the emergency section. thanks, um, poster whose name i forget at the mo, will edit it in, for reminding me that the world is bigger than my navel.

the replies you've gotten have be truly beautiful.

someone said something about the stupid things we do whilist sober, not just drunk. to make anyone feel better, i once recently recycled by accident a photo of my grandmother and her 13 brothers and sisters from when they were mostly teens, and i recycled photos of students i taught in harlem on their graduation day, having dropped out of regular high school and been written off. those were taken by a very talented photographer ex bf of mine about whom i still wonder.

clearly we are not alone here. what a beautiful community we've created, each in our own way. nice to meet you all new folks.

xo rudy b

[RudyB]

Feel like killing myself

oh and, daya, you'll be okay. just fine you will. believe it.

[Unwasted]

Feel like killing myself

All - I PMd Daya a few days ago and she said she would be out of town this week. Hopefully all is okay with her and she'll post when she returns.

[Crunchy]

Feel like killing myself

I was afraid to read this thread. It turned out to be beautiful!

Daya, I know how it feels to know without a doubt what the problem in my life is, and to feel powerless to do anything about it.

All drinking gets me is drunk. All suicide would get me is dead. I am sure there is more out there for me than that. I can almost see it. I can almost smell it. I can almost taste it. I am pretty sure that I can't get there if I am drunk. I am certain that I can't get there if I'm dead.

All I can do is keep muddling through.

A simple life is a good thing. If you could lose as many complications as you dare life will be more simple.

Thinking of you.

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

An update

Thank you Guys and Gals. I haven't had much time to reply to the forum, as I am away (as Unwasted posted). But I have read all the beautiful, amazing posts, and I tell you , you all make my heart sing !!!!!!!

I was worried about going to this conference, I normally drink like a manic at these events, and get up to all sorts of mischief.
Well, the first night drank Soda water most of the night, then had 1 wine, and stopped at that. Woke up feeling clear headed and slightly amazed that I was able to do that.

Second night, was networking drinks, again I drank soda water, right until the end, then had half a light beer. Went to dinner with a bunch of people, a bottle of red was ordered, and i was the one who asked the waiter for a jug of water. Had one red wine, and went back to my room. There has been a bottle of red in my room the whole time (courtesy of the hotel) so I looked at it, and decided to have just another glass. I opened it, poured a glass, had a taste, and believe it or not, decided I didn't like the taste of it !!!!

So I stood there debating what to do with this pretty expensive bottle of wine, should I just keep it here, take it back home with me, give it to someone?. So I tipped it down the drain)))))

Sooo, some things that have come out of me being sober at this conference:

1: I DON"T need alcohol to be able to socialize, I can do that fine whilst sober
2: Its wonderful feeling in charge of myself, and reclaiming some dignity
3: I am NOT boring whilst sober
4: Apparently I am still attractive whilst sober, as a young man blurted out his interest in me (rather surprising on my end)

5: And as Sunflower mentioned, I will still do embarrassing things, even sober. As an example ,I bought a cosmetic surgery magazine, and decided to take it to the bar to read on the first night, as I was on my own. So I was sitting there, drinking my soda water, with the magazine opened and held up in front of my face. This conference is full of fireman ,police, military, BTW. So I'm quietly reading away, and some of the cops and fireys come and sit with me, I put the magazine down on the table, back cover face up, and realise with horror that there is a huge picture of a perfect set of naked breasts on the back cover.

Which everyone would have seen me reading. So they are all probably thinking "who is that mysterious sober woman reading a pornographic magazine alone in the bar?"

I actually laughed my head off later when I realised.

So the moral to the story is. yes I will probably make an idiot of myself again, yes I will probably screw up, but at least it will be ME doing this, not some substance making me do it.

I don't want to speak to soon, but I feel a radical internal shift has happened, I have never got to the point i got to the other night, of feeling so dead, that death was just a formality. I want to live a life of clarity, without any self inflicted hindrances. Its funny, when I was trying to stop my partner drinking (before i developed a problem) I would say to him "Its like you are going through life with one hand tied behind your back, AL is just making things so difficult for you"..... I no longer want that..

Thank you so much, all of you, everyone individually and collectively here has offered so much love, support and wisdom., I feel it as a tangle thing, like an unseen but strongly felt cloak of protection draping over me. You are all My talisman, so to speak


Love you all

XXXX

Daya.

[Daya]

Feel like killing myself

Ps, that was suposed to say " tangible" not tangle

[beagle]

Feel like killing myself

daya, you sound truly good atm. i lend you my whole-hearted support in your struggles, as i struggle daily too. these people here are great, just wonderful.
i hope that things continue to improve, you clearly have an amazing mindset.
all the best, & having been in the place which your first post was titled, i hope that neither of us ever go back there again.:l