After my meltdown of yesterday, and feeling much, much better today, I wanted to share my experience of last week, of going to a work dinner and NOT drinking. This may not seem that significant to others, but it was to me.
It was initially strange going to the bar and ordering a tonic water, my Boss was standing beside me, so that helped. The incredible shame I felt over last weeks fiasco also helped abstain, as did the promise I made to my lover I wouldn't drink whilst there.
I actually ended up enjoying the evening. I spoke a lot less than I would normally have done whilst drinking, listened a lot more, and was generally more in tune with the people there. I wasn't the life of the party as i normally am. It was a fairly tense evening for me, as I knew my lover was coming to the dinner later (no one there knows about us) and I normally would have to be drunk to deal with it.
However when he arrived I was O.K with the feeling of awkwardness, it was like I was just experiencing and watching the feelings, and not having to get rid of them.
Later when he and I talked privately, the same feeling was there, I was aware that this was probably one of the few times I have been with him sober, I got the feeling he was feeling a bit uncertain about the "newness" of it also.
He and I had 1 glass of red wine, which I didn't finish (I didn't want it)
I wont go into TMI, but being intimate with him sober was a revelation for me....and he told me later, him. I always believed that I couldn't be intimate with someone without alcohol , I thought I needed it to lower my barriers, well the experience of sober vulnerability was something I will treasure, and hold onto for a long, long time.
It was one of the most loving experiences I have ever had, and I have realised that sober lovemaking is truly beautiful
I intend to not drink for the next 30 days, I am going to a conference tomorrow for a week, lots of drinking, and I am determined to do it AF. I will take my laptop, ( my Iphone is difficult to post with) so I can yell for help with everybody here if needed .
Bless you all.
daya
It was initially strange going to the bar and ordering a tonic water, my Boss was standing beside me, so that helped. The incredible shame I felt over last weeks fiasco also helped abstain, as did the promise I made to my lover I wouldn't drink whilst there.
I actually ended up enjoying the evening. I spoke a lot less than I would normally have done whilst drinking, listened a lot more, and was generally more in tune with the people there. I wasn't the life of the party as i normally am. It was a fairly tense evening for me, as I knew my lover was coming to the dinner later (no one there knows about us) and I normally would have to be drunk to deal with it.
However when he arrived I was O.K with the feeling of awkwardness, it was like I was just experiencing and watching the feelings, and not having to get rid of them.
Later when he and I talked privately, the same feeling was there, I was aware that this was probably one of the few times I have been with him sober, I got the feeling he was feeling a bit uncertain about the "newness" of it also.
He and I had 1 glass of red wine, which I didn't finish (I didn't want it)
I wont go into TMI, but being intimate with him sober was a revelation for me....and he told me later, him. I always believed that I couldn't be intimate with someone without alcohol , I thought I needed it to lower my barriers, well the experience of sober vulnerability was something I will treasure, and hold onto for a long, long time.
It was one of the most loving experiences I have ever had, and I have realised that sober lovemaking is truly beautiful
I intend to not drink for the next 30 days, I am going to a conference tomorrow for a week, lots of drinking, and I am determined to do it AF. I will take my laptop, ( my Iphone is difficult to post with) so I can yell for help with everybody here if needed .
Bless you all.
daya
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