Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

[inthelight]

I have struggled with alcohol since I was in my mid-teens. My Dad was an alcoholic and I have inherited these terrible genes. I am a controlled alcoholic where I am able to keep a full time job, have a husband and family. I have typically binge drank on the weekends. My life is unbearable lately though and I dread waking up in the mornings because of a current issue I have. I am a mother to a 9 year old boy who has sensory processing disorder. He was diagnosed at about 2 years old. I thought all along that this was the cause of his coping difficulties and learning problems. He has an IEP for auditory processing problems, expressive speech and learning difficulities. He has ADD but does not have any hyperactive traits and is actually every well behaved. He had friends up until recently. It seems like once he hit third grade, the other kids have kind of shunned him. I believe it is his speaking skills and higher level thinking that he is so delayed with. He doesn't contribute to conversations or activities well and they just don't want to be around him. He also gets emotional and gets his feelings hurt easy. I was told that children with this often get better as they get older and even begin to catch up with their peers. Well, the gap between my son and his peers seems to be getting wider and I am so concerned. I drank alcohol on the weekends until my pregnancy was confirmed at 4 weeks after conception. I had no idea I was pregnant and usually had several drinks on a Friday evening (like 7 drinks within a 5 hour period). At week 3 after conception, a friend from out of town was visiting and I drank about 9 drinks while I was out with her (over about a 6 hour period). I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant but by then, I had had around 5 "binge" style drinking episodes during these 4 weekends. My son was born full term, weight and head size and didn't have any of the facial characteristics so I thought everything was fine. I didn't know about FAE until I have looked into it more because of his learning problems. He is well aware that he is not doing work at grade level and cries asking me "why can't I be smart like the other kids in my class?" "I want a new brain Mommy, why isn't mine working" He is so hard on himself and tries really hard. My heart breaks everyday for him. We got his IQ tested and it is 85 which is very low but in the normal range. His processing speed is in the 10 percentile. I talked to a psychologist who specializes in Sensory processing and he said that although there is a chance this was a result from my drinking, it usually takes more than what I drank to cause the kind of problems my son has. He said the kids he deals with that have problems similar to my son have been adopted from eastern europe and had mothers who drank heavily their entire pregnancy and also went through tramatic experiences during the adoption process. My younger son, which I did not drink while pregnant, has some sensory issues too, but not as bad. He has some hyperness as well as attention problems but does not have learning problems as my older son. Learning problems, add and emotional problems do run in both mine and my husbands families. I know my energy needs to focus on helping my son but I am paralyzed with guilt and remorse that I may have caused this. Every difficulty my son faces leaves me with a voice in my head saying "you likely did this to him" Does anyone have any opinion on whether this sounds like FAE or is it just problems typically seen with children who have ADD and sensory problems. Do you know if it takes more than what I drank to cause FAE/FAS? Two child psychologists have told me that they didn't think this much alcohol typically affects a child to this extent but they said there would be no way of ever really finding out.
If I did cause this, how do I get beyond the depression, guilt and obsession I have with thinking about it and wishing I could go back in time to change everything for my son. This is really affecting my life in a negative way.

[sobafun]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Hi there
I am new here
Day 1.
All I can say is, I feel your guilt and depression. My 10 year old has severe vision issues. Every time I look at him, I wonder if it is because of alcohol while pregnant. He wears contact lenses which is fortunate...but yes, not a day goes by without those thoughts.
All I can say now, is tht drinking in excess only hurts him more now. Many people have issues..learning/health and many for no apparent reason. I think beating ourselves up over something that may/may not be a cause is not good.
Best to you

[Ellaq]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Have a look on the net for information. I thought that the danger time was 6-12 weeks (for facial deformaties) and the last trimester (for brain developement). During the 6-12 week period the placenta is not up and running at its fullest so what you eat and drink directly effects the baby. So you drunk between week 2 - 6. While no-one ever really knows for sure I would listen to the doctors that the probalbility of you causing this are low. There is probably another reason.

I am sorry for the problems that you are having with you son.

[playland]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Dear Inthelight,

Oh my how I feel for you regarding your feelings of guilt for your sons' problems. I can only say from my experiences of being a mother of four and feeling that I was the cause of every one of their problems, severe depression for three of them, trauma from divorce, etc., etc., and the reality is that wether or not I had something to do with it, it did no good to beat myself up about it. The best thing I could do was to try to forgive myself, accept that I couldn't control the situation and just do my best to help my children cope with their problems.

So, I hope that you will focus your energy on just helping your son deal with getting better thru whatever means that you can find, therapy, education, nutrition and trust that some things are out of our control and we just have to pray and do the best that we can.

I became so depressed over feelings of guilt that I eventually had a break down and ended up having a few years of therapy to help myself recover and grow. The kids also had many years of therapy and are doing quite well now later in their lives. I am still struggling with alcohol so I guess I haven't totally forgiven myself but I'm working on it.

Please try to be gentle to yourself and just focus on helping your son to cope. Peace and Love to you.

[nancy]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

guilt

Hi there,

It doesn't sound like you really know what caused this problem. I have read a lot of accounts on this site about women binge drinking and having no problems with their children. So if the science is in doubt, and you have a family history, you don't know what happened. But you have reasonable doubt that your drinking was a factor.

The important thing is what you do now. Are you a sober mother for the kids now?
Are you doing everything to help your first son? Does it help your first child for you to be loaded down with guilt?

Read everything you can to help your son deal with his problems. And make sure he gets the best medical care.

In terms of feeling bad, it doesn't help him for you to feel bad about yourself. He is the child and you are the mother.

Take care and look to the future.

[MyFreeWill]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Today you stop the guilt. You must forgive yourself. I have a lot of background in OB/GYn and seriously doubt this was the cause. 1/2 the women who come in during their first baby check have been drinking up until they know or binge drank for days because it was the holidays or they were on vacation.
Now, get rid of that alcoholic guilt. Be the best mom you can be and that is a sober mom. I know.
Try to find all of his strengths and let him succeed in those to build confidence. Think outside the box and try not to compare him to "normal" kids.
Find a friend who can do a few playdates - maybe let the mom know a little about the situation. We have helped with this - my 8 yr. old is very well liked, smart and athletic but loves everyone and wants everyone to fit in. Someone like him is a good choice.
Best of luck......remember all the blessings. He has a brilliant mind - it just thinks differently.

[greeneyes]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Hi inthelight,

Forgiving yourself for what you think you've done is something that would really benefit you and, as Nancy pointed out, your son. The situation remains the same, regardless of the cause or reason so you do need to focus on that and get past the guilt. However self forgiveness is easier said than done, especially for an alcoholic personality. We often wear guilt like a second skin. Perhaps you might find benefit from some work by Colin Tipping. Radical Self-Forgiveness
onward & upward!

[inthelight]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. I really need to hear these things from people I know have gone through similar issues in their lives. I am seeking out a counselor to talk to as well. I have gone to counselors in the past but it seems no one can break through my wall of guilt, blame and lack of forgiveness I have built up around me. I do feel that my son deserves a mother who isn't always walking around with a stomach full of anxiety and depression. I am sober during the week but on Friday and Saturday nights I have wine, I am somewhat controlled where I always buy the 4 packs of the little bottles and when I have had all 4, I stop. I know I am still an alcoholic and I should not drink ever but I am trying to cut back slowly. So I am trying to be a good mom in the present and I want to get better before things get worse. I really do appreciate all of your continued support very very much! MWO is such a loving place.

[spacebebe01]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

I echo what others have said, today is the day you will stop feeling guilt and anxiety and all the other negative horrible things you feel, you should start to make positive plans for yours and your childrens and husbands lives. You should plan good and fun things that will make you all feel better. Tha idea of arranging a playdate is brilliant, this would probably help your son a lot. Stop thinking about or reserching about or anything else to do with FAS this will do no good at all and could be very destrucitve. Your aim should be to improve yours and your childrens live now and you can do this. Since I have stopped drinking this time I have had lovely weekends with my sons, it is a time for us all to kick back and relax, my youngest son can have his friends stay and play out, I can just chill and bake for them and come on her. I am saying this from experience, my eldest two children are now 25 and 22, I drank thoughout both the pregnancies, I know nothing of FAS but even if I had of know I would probably of ignored the advice, I also smoked though the pregnacies, both babies went into distress when they where born and my eldest had to go into an incubator, but she developed normally and was fine, my son however had severe ADHD and a list of other problems was expeled from junior school, always in trouble, was hit by a car twice, in secodary school he had to go to a special unit for problem children and he had very little education. I did have guilt over this and it did occur to me that I could have caused it by FAS, however I choose not to feel the guilt and drank instead, I have missed out on years of my childrens lives, I have neglected them I also have a 12 year old son now and have missed out on so much of his growing up, my children have all missed out on having a mum. My daughter left home at 16 because she couldnt bear to be around me, but my eldest son stopped going out as he worried too much about leaving the baby with me, he lost all his friends and now suffers from agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder and depression to name a few of his problems, He has never had a girlfriend or nights out with mates when he was 18 and 19 and should have been out enjoying himself. I did this to my children, I say I love them but put alcohol before them, If I was to think about this too much I couldnt bear the guilt and would probably drink again or kill myself, then they would have no mum and no one. I ask you to stop this guild and drink and destuctive mess now while your children are still young, you have time and opportunity, please dont do what I did. All your children need is a happy, loving, safe sober mum and that IS ALL. Do that for all of you today, be happy, look forward to a great future that you can have, dont look back its gone now, nothing can be changed. I sincerely send you my love and best wishes, I dont think I have ever posted a reply that has meant this much to me, I have goosebumps all over my body writing this. If you ever want to pm me please do, I will do anything I possibly can to help you xxx

[inthelight]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Dear Spacebebe01,

Thank you so much for your post so insightful and straight from your heart. I am very grateful to hear advice from such caring people such as yourself and others who have posted their experiences. I can honestly say that these posts have helped more than any of my previous therapy sessions I have went through. Those therapists had good intentions but I just don't relate with them because they haven't been through anything like this. I am going to try a new therapist I heard about and see if she can help me. Reading everyone's advice has definitely lessoned the constant anxiety I have been feeling. I know I still have a lot to work on and it is going to be a constant struggle with me because I can't stop thinking about it or doing more research about it. I keep looking on the internet trying to find that one piece of evidence that can reveal "aha, I couldn't have caused his problems" but all I ever find is more information that confirms I must have been the cause. I know I have to stop this destructive behavior and enjoy this precious time with them sober and not hungover. Please keep the advice coming and feel free to post any experience you may have had as it is comforting to know there are others out there who may be going through this or have gone through it and overcame their fears.

[aprilmoon]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

I think you have enough info to let yourself off the hook about your child. What you should do now is stay sober to help your son become the man he can be!

I think most mothers blame themselves for their children not being as successful in life as they want them to be (with or without drinking being involved). You are just being a great Mom caring about your son so much.

[Kaslo]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Inthelight, I hope you read this. All the others gave good advice about dealing with the guilt but I just want to encourage you regarding your son. I'm only one example but my mom was 41 when she had me, I was ten years younger than all the others, she drank throu her pregnancy. I was born with a heart defect, and had learning disabilities. I really struggled in school. I'm not good with numbers. But I have good visual sense. I worked hard and despite being hospitalized, ironically by a drunk driver I got a degree in biology I had to take chemistry math and physics twice to pass. I got a masters at 48. I'm considered a bright, thorough and careful scientist now, but I was near the bottom of my class.

So you said one thing that struck me. You said he tries hard. That makes all the difference in the world. Accentuate the things he does well. Consider finding out if he can draw, write poetry, if he's good with plants or in the garden, if he's good with animals. Get him tutored by people who are good with problem learners. He will very likely start to shine at few things. Because your younger son has similar trends in development (I'm no expert) to me it's far more likely he has a congenital issue, and your drinking had nothing to do with it. It does however have a lot to do with your state of mind now. It sounds like you have a wonderful loving hardworking son. Accentuate the positive, is what I'm saying. Consider ditching the sauce, and getting him into some activities and programs he might enjoy. I'd start with a child learning disability therapist who has a positive attitude and can help you and your son get on with enjoying school and life in general. If I can do it, so can he.

Kaslo

[Kaslo]

Unbearable Guilt and Depression-Has my drinking caused my son's problems?

Should have ended my last note with good luck and best wishes.

Kasi