My family is in crisis

[delaware in ruins]

I had a two day bender last week (after 1 1/2 years of sobriety) and got a dui. My son was in the car, and although I wasn't charged with endangerment, my wife has had enough. She's filing for divorce tomorrow, and my kids (6 & 8) have heard the "D" word and are sad and scared. I would do anything to stay in this marriage, but my wife doesn't trust that I won't drink again. Of course, I stopped going to meetings and never got a new sponsor when my old one moved away, so I had no AA connection left when I went back out. I have immediately returned to meetings, gotten many phone numbers, and found a sponsor. I have a feeling that my wife is DONE, and because I am responsible, the guilt and sadness are crushing me. I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, and the dreams are unbearable. This all has to do with a poor marriage before I got sober. The last 1 1/2 years of marriage have been unbelievably good. I feel as though some past wounds should have been healed when times were good. My wife says the past has worn on her, and she will never be able to trust me with another relapse. She's going to an AA meeting with me this Saturday, but she says it is only to support me getting better for a relationship with our kids and not her. I am devastated.......

[delaware in ruins]

My family is in crisis

We are going to counselling tomorrow, but for her it's to find out how to ease out of the relationship. I am going to find out if there is anything left to do. We are going to the same place at different times (it is a husband & wife team). I know I can stay sober, and this is the last rock bottom for me. I don't have another recovery as they say. I know a divorce takes time in Delaware, but I'm not sure it's enough. She's already started to shut down on me, and says that I've had enough chances. Apparently the good times weren't enough.

[delaware in ruins]

My family is in crisis

Thank you......

[Supercrew]

My family is in crisis

My wife probably would have left me dozens of times, and I didn't really believe she was capable of making that break....until I showed up at home after a 2 day bender and she was gone.

It was a scare tactic, but it worked. I thought all was lost, and the marriage was over, so I concentrated on getting myself better. I also started communicating more with her to let her know daily how I was handling my drinking issues. Obviously a DUI is going to put alot of strain on your finances and ultimately on your relationship, I had one 10 years prior, and if we didn't have an infant at the time she would have probably left as well.

I know it's going to be hard to do, but you need to concentrate on getting yourself sober for YOU first. If you want the marriage to survive, you have to open the lines of communication with her to see if your drinking is the only issue. I don't know how far gone your relationship is, but I have found out over my 20 year relationship that time does help heal things. If this DUI is still fresh, you have a good couple of months to wait before any kind of improvement in yourself will affect any decision that she makes. The problem is that sometimes that final straw, (your DUI), might be the one that finally gives her the strength to make up her mind and say, "that's it I'm done with the relationship". If I were you I would try to buy yourself as much time as you can before she gets an attorney. Although counseling might be helpful usually it is going to be swayed against you and the purpose of counseling is to come to a resolution. If she thinks she made up her mind already, and you go to counseling and they are looking for a resolution, the nearest resolution to her wanting a divorce and you being a problem drinker who got a DUI with your kid in the car will ultimately be divorce. You don't want that.

I know this will probably sound trite, and she will say I have given you a million chances, but ask for as much time as you can, either a month or more to get your recovery program headed in the right direction. Tell her that you are going to quit drinking forever, but in this starting phase you would really like her support before the hammer drops with her final decision. Then do everything you can to improve yourself and to improve your relationship with her and your family. The more time you can buy the better chance you will have to sway her decision on your relationship. Also don't expect the worst because she will be able to see it, get motivated to improve yourself daily no matter what the outcome might be, and let her know how you feel, but don't crawl in a hole and act like a beaten man. Your strength and enthusiasm during this very hard period will be what decides whether you are married or divorced in the coming months. She doesn't want to be married to a drunk, but she also doesn't want to be married to a beaten negative man. Change your attitude, live in the moment not worrying about tomorrow, and be enthusiastic about your life and your new found sobriety. That will be the only thing that might attract her back to you in my opinion. Good luck, all is not lost!

[Supercrew]

My family is in crisis

Thanks Zen, I am in no way bashing counseling, but I found, at least for me, the communication between me and my wife had to come from my effort. I had to be able to take blame on my own and let her know where I hoped our future would head either together or not. Bringing in people who don't always have all the information and who are looking to get resolution often times will sway in the direction that might look the easiest and most beneficial at the time, when the reality is they might push something that isn't in everyones best interest in the long run. So I am not saying counseling is bad, but I would try to fix it on my own first.

[Joan B]

My family is in crisis

Delaware, Im so sorry to hear things went this bad for you! Still, I learned in various places and AA, that humility can sometimes be the key to A solution. )and I dont have any ideas of what the best solution is, cos who knows? This is a lesson i had to learn over and over again, so i thought I d share it with you. It comes down to not blaming others...... (believe me ive done my share of that n more...!)

Give her space and time and focus on your recovery my friend
it cannot harm anybody

All the best
JB

[nancy]

My family is in crisis

trying again

Looks like you got some good advice, esp. from Supercrew.
I would only add that you might want to consider a medication, maybe that would help persuade your wife that things could be different this time.
Check our meds section.
Antabuse is a little drastic but it does prevent you from drinking and you could take it in front of her.
Naltrexone is available in a monthly shot called Vivitrol. It prevents you from feeling the high of drinking so you lose interest. Naltrexone can also be taken in a pill just before drinking but that means you have to choose to take it every time, so it's risky.
We had a post here a while back from a wife who ignored the usual advice to let go/tough love and got her husband on baclofen instead and he succeeded in getting well.
Maybe you just need a new treatment plan.
Another idea, get a breathalyzer for your car so you can't operate it drunk. Drastic, but then again it's a big danger to drive drunk with your kids in the car.
Good luck

[Kaslo]

My family is in crisis

Super crews advice is spot on.

Don't hesitate to plead consideration of the family. Despite you getting a DUI with your child in the car (which is just nuts) two wrongs don't make a right. Your kids will suffer from a divorce, especially if the past year and a half have been good for them. Best of luck, let us know how you are doing.

Kas

[Struggles 106]

My family is in crisis

Hey Delaware

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My husband left me and I was devastated. I've learned a lot since then. And I really believe that the person who decides to walk away has
been mulling this decision and once it's made has taken an emotional step away. By the time the partner receives this information it's already too late.
Of course this is not 100% but it seemed to me that though we had issues, the last time was different. I could absolutely TELL that he was not going to listen to me; his mind was made up.
I hope you can get everyting straightened out. Divorce is SOOOO hard. To be honest I was not that great to my husband and looking back I don't know why he put up with me for so long. Alcohol was not mentioned/blamed but of course if I hasn't been drunk for years I'm sure my selfish behavior would have been different.
Good luck to you. I hope your kid/s are ok. My daughter was 16 when he made his decision and started drinking for a few years after. At 17 she came to my place drunk and cried and told me she was afraid she was an alcoholic. Imagine my devastation!
But she's good now and my being sober is great for her.
I know you'll remember that drinking is not going to make anything better, or help with coping. It sounds like you are done with the drinking. That;s for you to do and the rest will work itself out as it will.
Thinking of you; I know it is so hard. Stay strong

[Struggles 106]

My family is in crisis

Hey Delaware

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My husband left me and I was devastated. I've learned a lot since then. And I really believe that the person who decides to walk away has
been mulling this decision and once it's made has taken an emotional step away. By the time the partner receives this information it's already too late.
Of course this is not 100% but it seemed to me that though we had issues, the last time was different. I could absolutely TELL that he was not going to listen to me; his mind was made up.
I hope you can get everyting straightened out. Divorce is SOOOO hard. To be honest I was not that great to my husband and looking back I don't know why he put up with me for so long. Alcohol was not mentioned/blamed but of course if I hasn't been drunk for years I'm sure my selfish behavior would have been different.
Good luck to you. I hope your kid/s are ok. My daughter was 16 when he made his decision and started drinking for a few years after. At 17 she came to my place drunk and cried and told me she was afraid she was an alcoholic. Imagine my devastation!
But she's good now and my being sober is great for her.
I know you'll remember that drinking is not going to make anything better, or help with coping. It sounds like you are done with the drinking. That's for you to do and the rest will work itself out as it will.
Thinking of you; I know it is so hard. Stay strong

[Kaslo]

My family is in crisis

wow... I just have to comment on this post, Ann. Your story is so compelling and I have to say somewhat unique because I see way too many people not taking responsibility (other than a bit glibly) for what happened or the effect they've had on others. They just don't seem to think or try to understand how others feel, it all about them and their recovery. "concentrate on myself, me time"...etc.

I'm glad your daughter and you are still connected.

Kaslo

[universal]

My family is in crisis

Delaware - I am in the exactly the same situation. My husband and I are currently in therapy and I am proving to him how much I want to be sober. I also have a DUI, just got my liscence back this week with the interlock system (breathalyzer) attached for the next year. I am currently sleeping in the guest room but we are talking and trying. I am not sure where he is at with the relationship right now, he won't discuss it with me unless we are in the counselling session where it is impartial. So I am trying not to worry about it and only focus on getting myself well. Lord knows how much I did hurt him when I was drinking. I don't know what will happen with us, but I know I will stay sober. And hopefully at some point in the future I will move out of the spare bedroom and back into our room. It's hard, I know. I hope that with some communication and counselling you guys can come up with a similar situation to ours so that you can still be with your children and family and maybe work things out. I think the fact that she is willing to go to counselling and to AA with you is a HUGE step. She obviously loves you very much or she wouldn't be willing to do that. Hold on to that.

(((hugs)))
Uni

[cpn1004]

My family is in crisis

Divorce effects so many people in the family. In ways we don't think about or see until years later. Maybe you can get a trial separation to postpone your wife filing for divorce. I don't know....just try to hang on to each other and the family.
Sending you good thoughts......

[TheSunFlower]

My family is in crisis

two ways

I have watched this thing go two ways. What I think the difference is....is this. There may have been problems in the marriage in both cases....but, really this just gave them an excuse to leave. After being 1 1/2 years sober....and one relapse for your wife to want to leave.....would mean that the marriage was not all that great and she was looking for her excuse. I am not blaming anyone here....I know when I first got sober the first time......I went to meetings at first.....then at night just bleed myself into a a book......I still was not there. Being sober does not make us better. Reading a book was as good as being drunk.

Honestly, if I was my hubby I would have left him long ago. If I was going to turn the tables....its "wonderful that you are not drinking....but, you still not here with us". I think that your post is very powerful to many.

We think that stopping drinking is the cure. To me it sounds like she felt just alone when you were sober as to when you were drunk. She is not leaving because you had a wonderful life the last 1 1/2 years.....she is leaving because drunk or sober it was not that wonderful.

So first work on being sober, and then being the person she needs you to be. And if you can not be that person....be her best friend.....because at the end of the day you have kids and that is what is most important.

[LATIN101]

My family is in crisis

Good luck Super.... as you look back and take inventory of what alcohol has done to you over the years....keep in mind what you have left. I cant motivate you to quit, and setbacks will happen, keep posting and talking...... id like to hear your progress.....