I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

[startingover]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hi Miss Hazel.
I think it sounds like you are suffering from a depression? Maybe unrelated to drinking? Feeling hopeless and that there is nothing left to live for is very common for sufferers.
Have you had any medical help? I am sure you have, but just wanted to mention it?
Such a lonely feeling, please keep talking xx

[Unwasted]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel, I understand your feelings and have had them myself. It wasn't until I started looking at life in a whole new way that I began to understand it differently. I have learned to meditate and find peace within. I've struggled with hopelessness most of my life because of the way I feel about animals. Having to watch their plight of being eaten and abused has come close to crushing me many times. I've been learning to separate my thoughts from who I am, though. And, I've been studying things like quantum physics and hoping that ideas like parallel universes are a possibility. I have learned that what we see as reality might in fact be something quite different.

Two things I can recommend are: The recent PBS NOVA series about the Quantum world. It's 4-parts. I recorded it, so I'm not sure if it's available through things like Netflix but I would imagine it is. And the book by Eckhert Tolle, A New Earth/Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.

If you're open to it, I can also list some books on Buddhist teachings. These also gave me a different view of life so I could let go of many of the things that were making me sad.

[Cinders]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel,

My last rehab's counselor told me, and I agree with her totally, that in order to quit drinking, I need to find something I love more than drinking.

Depression, as Starty says, and what Unwasted is saying are very good posts. Depression can hold us back from acting on things we should and Unwasted is talking about what my counselor was saying.

I hope you come back and read this. I think it is very important for you to move forward in a positive way if you want to have a happy sober life. Figure out what it will take.

I, too, am working on this myself so I understand the feelings, or lack thereof, you are experiencing.

Cindi

[Struggles 106]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hey Hazel

Considering the feelings you describe it seems to me that clinical depression is a strong possibility.
I have been exactly where you are-thinking of dying with as little impact as possible to my daughter. Only her since I felt that she was the only one who gave a damn.
When I moved into my current apartment with a very high balcony ceiling I used to look at it and wonder how you fashion a noose.
My advice-see someone-get help. That feeling you describe is soul-killing and terrible.
Take care of yourself.

[penelope67]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

hey I know how you feel, I have felt that way so recently. there is a saying: if you find yourself in a hole stop digging. i want you to eat and think about trying the baclofen protocol. Alcohol causes such anxiety and depression and yet it is the only escape sometimes from anxiety and depression. You are stuck ain a visous cycle and it's not your fault. Your body needs a little reorganzing which Baclofen can do. Depression anxiety it's all brain chemicals gone awry. If you want you can private message me. Think of of one person today who would be absolutely devastated if you were gone. And think of one thing that deeply engages you like cooking or researching or makeup or a sports team or art, something that engages you. For me it's word histories (did you know "ketchup" comes from a chinese word that means fish sauce?)...I love aromatherapy too and reading about UFO's and my pets...when i was at my lowest and i wanted to die I knew my pets would suffer terribly if i was gone. That no one would love them and they might get put down or separated. The thoughts were so horrible I just knew I had to stick around. You do too. Please pm me. Andrea

[penelope67]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

ps when I say eat I mean a good meal, like steak and potatoes and salad, or something like that
and eat 3 meals a day

[nancy]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

holiday blues?

I think for some the holidays can bring on sad feelings, reminding us of losses or of empty parts of our lives.

Loss is hard to deal with but it's such an important reality to get to grips with. Sometimes we feel loss on many fronts of our life all at the same time and it feels unbearable. Buddhist philosophy can really help with this. Remember that this is part of being human. You face the loss and realize everything is impermanent. That's part of being human. It's an amazing thing when you think about it. Would you want everything to be fixed and known for eternity? When you accept the changeable nature of life, everything gets easier.
Just as something ended, something new and great can begin if you open up to it. But you need to be your own ally to get through this. What do you tell yourself? Are you a good friend to yourself or are you berating and negative?
What are you doing for the holiday?

[RingingCedars]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Miss Hazel, I'm sorry you're feeling without hope. I too have been there and quite recently as well. I used to drown those feelings with alcohol and I think perhaps in my case(I repeat mine)drowning those feelings in alcohol actually prevented me from driving off a cliff or something. Now, don't get me wrong, I realized in a relatively short time that alcohol was not my answer either.

As others have mentioned this is also a particularly lonely time of year for some of us. I think the whole Christmas thing is out of whack anyways. After all the original celebration was for God's son Jesus's birthday. For most people it is far removed from that. If you are Christian you can certainly celebrate that on your own as many people do not even celebrate that. As for the rest, yes it is nice to spend time with loved ones and eat, drink and be merry. If that is not possible for you and spending time alone will put you in a dangerous place. Get thee out to a community dinner and share some time with others who may feel exactly as you do.

There are a host of things that contribute to depression. Stress and diet all wreak havoc with all sorts of metabolic processes in the body. Eat well, rest and as others have said surely there are good things either presently or in your past you can invoke a sense of wellness and enjoyment from. Find some inspirational movies, poems, songs.....

I will leave you with this poem and hope that your are resting well and come back either happy or sad but ready to move out of the pit of despair.
The Donkey in the Well - a very inspirational short story:l:l

[DriftyAlison0]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

MissHazel;1231254 wrote: I used to be really good at not giving in. Not so much anymore. I just want to die on my on terms. A way that doesnt hurt anyone I love.

The thing is that if you do die especially this way, you HURT THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE.

I was away last night, so I didn't see this until now. But hope is so not overrated.

[mama bear]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel....are you ok??

[Nursie]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel, such good posts from everyone here.
I just wanted to offer my support too.
We are here, and we can keep hope alive for you until you feel it too.
If you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself, please PLEASE call the suicide hotline: 18002738255

[Unwasted]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel, wish you would let us hear from you.:l

[Nursie]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

No one has heard from Hazel? I'm quite concerned.

[DriftyAlison0]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

I pmed her the other day and I have yet to get a response.

[expat3]

I want to shut off my mind..I want to die on my terms

Hazel-please check in. You have written some very supportive posts to others in the past. I know you are a kind hearted soul.:l f you do have clinical depression-please know that there is help with meds. If you are already taking some maybe your doc needs to change your prescription. Sometimes it takes a few times to find the right one.
Thinking of you. xxx