My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

You might just be right.

I'll have to see how it goes. Put some limits on how much gets drank depending on the situation. Or remove myself from it so the shit storm doesn't target me.

[sammynorm]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

A couple of things.

Firstly, it really could be that she doesn't remember when she calls you and yells at your when she is drunk. We heavy drinkers have a tendency to black out and do all manner of strange scary things while blacked out (like getting up the next morning and finding ones car in the garage and not remembering the drive home).

Secondly, if she's like most of us who check in here limits won't work, she'll rebel and get trashed at some point again and call you ranting and raving.

Thirdly, (it's taken me a long time to realized this) people do not stop a behavior they find enjoyable until they are met with a consequence. The trick is for them to realize without a shadow of a doubt that the behavior (in this case heavy drinking) is the reason for the consequence.

You could tell her something like 'If you call me again drunk and yell and me I will break up with you....won't talk to you for 2 days....won't spend any money on you....etc', just be sure you'll follow through with whatever your chosen consequence is. Also just not answering the phone or hanging up works.....and you could play her any crazy voice mails she leaves for you when she is sober.

Also, tell her (when she is sober) that you like her a lot but you can't live with her drinking and that's why you are leaving/considering leaving the relationship......its because of her behavior when she drinks not because you don't like her. Recording the conversations isn't a bad idea also, in the idea you won't really need any of them (as a backup).

And there is help out there AA for her Alanon for you.
Might not be a bad idea to show her this website if she's up for it.

[Glass Half Empty]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

mrcanada9760;1699670 wrote: And to get a word in edgewise between all the insults I had to clap loudly four times in front of her face.

Mr C, you and your partner obviously have problems, but I don't think finding a random forum and telling one side of the story (ie yours) to a bunch of strangers so you can get support for whatever you've done to her is the best way to deal with them.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

I haven't done anything to her. There's only so much of having someone yell at you nonstop that your a liar and cutting you off as soon as you open your mouth that you can stand.

I catch you on the limits and how she will rebel. Honestly that's how I think the whole concert fiasco came about. She was already getting there shortly after we went there and got mad at me for not taking enough money out of her bank account (lineup for the arms was long so I took both our cards) for beer. It went right off the rails when she went to the beer gardens and they were all closed and went downhill from there.

I really like this girl but not so much when the switch flips. Most of the time I enjoy having drinks with her, but when this nasty streak comes out she is no fun to be around at all.

[Byrdlady]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Well, I have been thinking about your situation since I read it yesterday. I think I'm ready to respond, but I would bet money you aren't going to like what I have to say!
As a former raging alcoholic (aka, functioning alcoholic) I can tell you that we DO get defensive when we think our supply is in jeopardy. We ALWAYS want to make sure we have ENOUGH. When that doesn't happen, we get mad. We don't want to hear anything about limits, either....whenever you talk to us about how much WE drink, be prepared to have an in your face confrontation about ______. (fill in the topic de jour here)...we just want to hurt you because you are threatening our life support. So that is #1.
#2. If you really want to make this work, you may have to lead by example. Stop drinking yourself. If you aren't drinking, maybe she will find it easier to not to, also. For us alkies, it's really hard to go out with someone we love and watch them drink what WE love. This may seem crazy to you, but if AL is not a problem for you, then giving it up should be no big deal if it means helping this girl, right?

#3 Life with an alcoholic is different. I know my hubs has a constant fear that I'm going to relapse. We don't attend parties where there is a big focus on drinking. Be prepared to make some concessions if you choose to be with her, we do require a different lifestyle.

#4, I had promised my hubs 1000 times I would cut down and do better. Every day I vowed to do just that, and every day I broke that promise. We had been together for 24 years, I am the primary bread winner, he couldn't leave me, right? WRONG. On the evening of Jan 19, 2011, he packed a bag and left my drunk self. He REALLY meant that he didn't want to be married to a drunk! I had to clean up my act in a hurry! AND I DID!! I planted myself in the newbie's nest and I've been there ever since.

I'm not advocating an ultimatum, but that's the only thing that got thru to me. Here is the SAD part, it was a HARD choice to make. A life with NO AL or him. That is sad, but addiction is very powerful. I resented the hell out of him for making me give up my other passion, but now, I see that he saved my life. All stories don't end like mine, I got a second chance, and I'm not going to blow it.

It sounds like she needs some support/help. Tell her about us and maybe she will join. We start with a 30 day challenge. If you look thru the Tool Box, you'll be major changes in peoples lives in that short amount of time. You must get the distance from AL to see it, tho. For us, there is no 'cutting down' or 'watching it' anymore, that ship has sailed. For us, the only thing to do is to cut off the blood supply! And no, we can't just drink on weekends and special occasions, either. It's all or nothing, unfortunately.

I wish you the best of luck....it is possible to have a full, wonderful life without AL, I'm living proof!! If she isn't willing to give it up, you are going to have a hellacious life...alcoholism is progressive, it doesn't improve over time, it gets worse. It would be worth having a SERIOUS conversation with her....NOT at night after she's had AL. See where she stands and remember, we will tell you anything to keep our addiction alive. If she will not agree to give it up for the sake of your relationship, as painful as it may be, it may be time to move on.

So that's what I think.....all the best and keep us posted!!! Byrdie

[Kradle123]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Byrdlady;1700072 wrote: ! If she isn't willing to give it up, you are going to have a hellacious life...alcoholism is progressive, it doesn't improve over time, it gets worse.

Everything Byrdie writes is pure, hard won wisdom but this line is the money shot....I wish it were otherwise, truly:l
We're here for you MR:h

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

As a former raging alcoholic (aka, functioning alcoholic) I can tell you that we DO get defensive when we think our supply is in jeopardy. We ALWAYS want to make sure we have ENOUGH. When that doesn't happen, we get mad. We don't want to hear anything about limits, either....whenever you talk to us about how much WE drink, be prepared to have an in your face confrontation about ______. (fill in the topic de jour here)...we just want to hurt you because you are threatening our life support. So that is #1.
I think that you've hit the nail on the head. I've only been seeing this girl for 7 weeks so there hasnt been many major episodes, but two of them have had specifically to do with running out of or running low on booze. As I mentioned one was over whether or not I lied about there being one more beer in the fridge and the concert fiasco really started running off the rails when the beer gardens closed. Oddly enough I had saved a few beers at home for after the concert but she was already off the rails and refused to come home with me despite that. I havent seen her since.

#2. If you really want to make this work, you may have to lead by example. Stop drinking yourself. If you aren't drinking, maybe she will find it easier to not to, also. For us alkies, it's really hard to go out with someone we love and watch them drink what WE love. This may seem crazy to you, but if AL is not a problem for you, then giving it up should be no big deal if it means helping this girl, right?

Oddly enough that is how I met this girl. She had a list of resources like AA, etc. in an envelope and we got to talking about it and I was in the process of slowing it down. She had made the conscious decision some of the days we spent together to not drink at all and I went along with it. Those days were really nice actually.

I'm not sure if I want to go completely dry myself as AL has rarely caused problems for me (well other than this) over someone I've met just over a month ago.

#4, I had promised my hubs 1000 times I would cut down and do better. Every day I vowed to do just that, and every day I broke that promise.

I think that she is in this cycle with promises to herself. Many a morning she's woken up and said, "thats it no more drinking" only to grab a case of beer or go out with a coworker afterwards.

--

I have talked to some former alcoholics who have been dry for years trying to get inside her head a bit.

The concert incident on Thursday really stung. I brought her out to an awesome event, my friends gave us $100 in free tickets, I even made sure that there was cold beer at my place for afterwards but not too much so that she could make it to work. Her behavior was embarassing, kind of insulting to my friends (they gave us tickets and she took off for the last hour and a half of the show) and was quite hurtful towards me (she kicked the fries out of my hands when I was trying to get her to eat some food and basically told me to get the F away from her).

A normal person would expect somewhat of an apology the next day, even a half baked one or a claim to not have remembered what happened. But she was kind of evasive and largely unreachable, only giving one or two word answers to text messages. I did manage to talk to her on the phone once but she was drinking at a friend's house so I didnt want to get into anything then, I'd rather talk about it in person.

I'm not sure if she remembers anything, something or everything. She must have realized at some point that she was planning on going home with me and that she ended up wherever she ended up instead.

Our "relationship" since that night has gone from seeing eachother almost daily and talking voraciously by text messages to barely anything at all. It's only been four days and now that the long weekend is over things might return to normal or we might at least get a chance to see eachother or talk.

The advice about moving on is something I'm seriously considering. I dont mind being around drunk people or drinking, but this girl gets drinking and its rolling the dice as to whether she's going to start some non-stop argument over practically nothing. It can be embarassing because when she's drinking she thinks she is this razor sharp debater when in actuality she just looks like a crazy. Arguing non-stop over whether or not there was one more beer in the fridge? That's an hour of my life I'm never getting back.

If she does come around for now I'm just going to engineer the social setting. When we hang out, we will only drink if it's just the two of us. If there are other people around then there will be no alcohol or I'm going to leave.

[Byrdlady]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Good to hear from you again.
Getting inside 'our' heads isn't so hard....imagine being in a very abusive relationship with someone and NOT having the courage to leave. That's us. FEAR keeps us entrenched.

This last sentence is very telling...because this is how WE operate.
A wonderful member of this board (Pavoti) quoted Robin Williams on his relationship with AL...'I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them'. Whenever we start making RULES about AL, most likely, IT is already in control. This is just what is happening here. You HAD rules in place, and they were all broken. You will make MORE rules...they will be broken, too. Why? Because once we have 'a couple' guess what happens? Our defenses are down, right? Our judgment is compromised....so we break the rules further. Really, if you think about it, making rules for AL is pointless, unless the rule is to NOT consume it. (and that's a really good one!)

Once my hubs was 'on to me' and my drinking, what I actually drank and what I told him I drank were miles apart. Whatever she tells you she is drinking, double it and you will be closer. He still doesn't know the extent of it all (thank God!) It was just an awful place to be, but there is a way out...and for us, cutting down won't do it...we CAN'T cut down...our tolerance is too high and our brain demands THE SAME OR MORE!

Maybe once she gets the helps she needs, you and she can pick it up again....otherwise, hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

P.S. She probably doesn't remember that night...we skim over it and provide sketchy overviews and try to change the subject so you won't know that we can't remember a dam thing.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Byrdlady;1700587 wrote: Good to hear from you again.
Getting inside 'our' heads isn't so hard....imagine being in a very abusive relationship with someone and NOT having the courage to leave. That's us. FEAR keeps us entrenched.
...
P.S. She probably doesn't remember that night...we skim over it and provide sketchy overviews and try to change the subject so you won't know that we can't remember a dam thing.

FYI there were never any rules in place before. I can't control her but I can control what situations I am in with her.

On what happened after that night, yeah, I'm not sure if she remembers or if she remembered after the fact. She was pretty evasive the next day and wouldnt call me on the phone. The day after I talked to her for a bit but nothing was mentioned. I'm going to see her briefly today at her work, so I'll see how that goes.

Backdrop is that of the past 6-7 weeks we have spent 5-6 of them together pretty well 24/7. Shes not technically my girlfriend in the label but actions wise she practically is. It was rough going from that intensity of contact then that concert incident then boom practically nothing.

You figure that she is just waiting for it to glaze over because she doesnt remember much?

[Byrdlady]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Yes, that is what I used to do... hope the subject just went away. I deflected A LOT and changed the subject. If the subject ever did come up again, I would PROMISE that it would never happen again. Of course, it always did. I would bet my lunch money she doesn't remember 90% of the evening.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Interesting. Well I'm going to see her briefly at her work, I'll try to nab her to do lunch. I'll play the void game (I'm in sales) where I wont say much and let her fill in the blanks but I'll be upbeat and not come across as pssy.

I'll report back afterwards.

If she doesn't remember much she probably came to out of the blackout at some point and realized she has to get to work. And tried to figure out what happened by going through her phone.

If she does remember some of it I can't imagine her feeling anything but shameful about her behavior and she'll probably say something.

A third possibility is that she will take some thread of what she remembers and try to bash me over the head about it to insinuate that it was all my fault that things went sideways.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

didnt manage to land the lunch by the time I got there they had already sent her (its a construction site). No mention of anything that happened but would probably be awkward at work anyway. told her to call me after work. Will see how it goes.

[frances]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

Byrdlady;1700587 wrote: Whenever we start making RULES about AL, most likely, IT is already in control.

Byrdie - this is so true!!

Interesting thread and I hope you get this figured out. I'm sorry your friend is dealing with this and it may be a long road for her. When Al takes over things get very bad. You are in a difficult situation and I agree wholeheartedly with Byrdie's assessment.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

After Action Report

Well after she got off work I did manage to connect with her. I was somewhat expecting an apology or some sort of admission that she remembered little from the concert.

While I would have rathered if she swung by my house she was refusing to see me then opted that we go for a beer at a nearby pub instead.

Things started off well enough albeit a bit awkward because of the elephant in the room. After chatting small talk like her work or how she went to the fair for a while the concert on Thursday came up and I mentioned that it was the first time we had seen eachother since the concert and that she treated me very badly that night.

She blamed me for the event, saying that my suggestion that she "come to the blanket" was what made her angry. (For reference, there was about 10,000 people at this outdoor event. When we arrived we found a spot and put down a blanket with our bags and things and it was kind of like our home base. The "blanket" was sort of a focal point of reference that everyone knew where it was.) I tried to brush it off as whatever a night of drunken stupidity but she kept blaming me for everything.

A woman at the pub interjected (I'm 37, the girl is 25 and this woman was 42) and quite strongly suggested that she stop yelling at me and being angry with me because "if you keep treating him this way he's going to leave". The woman then sort of took the girl under her wing and gave her some deep down girl advice for quite some time about relationships in general, the gist of it being that no relationship is perfect but you should take the good with the bad and let things go.

Eventually the girl annoyed this woman to the point where the woman said "There's no talking to you. I can tell you and tell you but your obviously not listening to a word I'm saying." and left.

I tried to get the girl once again home because she had to work in the morning. On our way to the train station she put her bag on the ground and proceeded to throw her things all over the sidewalk, then flailed off into the street. I picked up her things and put them back in the bag and tried to lure her to the train station because she at this point was wandering around randomly.

She then screamed at me like I was stealing her stuff. (Infuriating, because I had just picked it all up off the ground). I had had enough of this BS. I gently put her bag down on the sidewalk and kept walking. I looked back to see if she was trying to follow me but she was zig zagging in random directions and while walking towards her bag certainly wasnt moving in any way like she was trying to follow me.

I texted her that she needs to handle her liquor better and that she was welcome to come to my house if she needs a place to stay; that time was limited (the train only runs so late), that I hope that she would be OK but that I can't force her to do the sane thing and I went home.

What a waste of time and money. We were going to split the bar bill and leave well before we actually left but she got all confused so I just paid it and said she could catch me next time. Once I paid the bill, she started another tab and ordered a pitcher and ordered a shot just as we actually were leaving.

I dont mind partying and drinking (sorry I know this is kind of an anti-alcohol forum) but there is being in control and there is being completely out of control. I think I'm done with this woman. I dont want to die young trying to chase this basket case around.

I went to this meeting hoping for some sense of remorse, an admission that she didn't remember, or at least someone who was going to be nice to me. I got someone who blamed me for my own mistreatment, lost control all over again and despite having a very kind older wiser woman spend over an hour one on one with her, still acted like an idiot.

If she had it together enough to come back to my place instead of fighting me trying to get her home tooth and nail (again) maybe we would have had a more rational conversation in the morning. Instead I got a redux of the Thursday night concert that left me feeling dejected that I went to meet her to talk about in the first place.

Yug.

[mrcanada9760]

My Girlfriend says the most hurtful things when she's drunk....

I sent her this heartfelt text the next morning right around when I posted the previous post.

I have heard back absolutely nothing.

It's hard to not reach out to her but friends and family have strongly suggested that the best thing I can do is leave it at that, don't contact her at all and if she comes around she comes around but otherwise just move on and date other people. (we acted like bf/gf but it was never official and this was discussed)

I told her that I loved her but that when she drinks more than a few she's prone to anger and treating me like crap. I said she is welcome in my life but I won't hang out with her in bars or if she plans on having more than a few drinks. I made mention that this is twice now that I've tried to get her home sate and she's opted to wander the streets alone and hammered late at night, that she is an adult and nobody can make her do anything but she's still a 25 year old pretty girl and if she keeps doing this and pushing away the people that care about her some creep I'd going to take advantage of her if it isn't happened already.

No response for over 2 days at all

Any thoughts?