Fed up!

[Saoirse & the wild horse]

Well , I went to dinner with the girls had a great al free time! Then came home to have a disagreement with hubby. He had 3 beers and rode his motorcycle.
He said he only had one but I saw the receipt and he fessed up! he says that just because I have a problem doesn't mean I can lecture him! And that whenever I get sober I project my problems onto him!
Obviously when I am drinking I don't complain about his drinking or even if we drink drive ( I know , I'm ashamed ) because I need my drinking buddy!
But off course when I'm sober I see the truth and I don't like it! I know I can't make him quit with me and I'm not going to try !

But I'm just very hurt that he is not more supportive . And that he says I don't have to go out I can just stay home , that he doesn't want to stay home.

I hate that our social life revolves around drinking at the weekend.
I hate that my husband likes me to drink with him, but gets mad and cant understand when I get wasted. ( I'm a binger for fucks sake )
I hate how people know I'm always the drunk one and when I say no to a drink they encourage me.
It's hard enough to stay sober with my al brain besides other people encouraging me.


And I'm really sad and scared tonight too. Sad because I have to do this by myself without my husbands support . And scared for the same reason , scared that when he is going out i'l go and get the ' fuck it's .'

I hope God gives me the strength to stay AL free this weekend we have a dinner date with friends.
It's very easy for my AL brain to listen to my friends when they say , ' just have a few.'


Does anyone think I am projecting my problem with al on my husband? I do het gung-ho on people not getting drunk when I am sober! Is this the al brain?
Maybe I'm worse off then I thought. Sorry for the long post! Just so fed up and feel like what's the point!!!

[red67]

Fed up!

In the end we have to do this for ourselves. Maybe he is afraid because he doesnt know how it will be when you are sober and yes we get very testy when we first stop drinking. You have to concentrate on you first. Have you tried finding a support group? I found Smart Recovery to be a huge help when i got sober. Maybe Women for Sobriety? Or just keep posting here that really helps me when i think no one understands.

Just dont give up, it really does get better the longer you stay sober.

[available]

Fed up!

Hey Sao no wasnt a long boring read. i can relate to all u said about friends etc. i dont have a partner but i used to have a drinking ex and i said when i was 30 and i will never forget it that "fuck it if i cant beat him i may as well join him". im 47 and remember that as clear as day though took me awhile to get to where i am. why dont u show him your post and he may understand a bit more. i thought it was very honest and truthful. what have u got to lose anyways. take care and be strong

[Saoirse & the wild horse]

Fed up!

Thanks for the support! Red 67 i may look for aa for women. I know this is also my journey for myself! But posting here helps a lot too though!
Available I am 30 now i'l be 31 in march and your post scared me a little ( in a good way) because recently I have been thinking why bother trying to be AF when my partner and our lifestyle involves AL.
But my heart wants to be sober ....... I hate the feeling of waking up and hating yourself after AL.
So thanks for posting as it has taught me that I can stay AF or if I give into the fuck it's maybe I won't have the courage to go AF for Years!!!!!!!

[Kaslo]

Fed up!

Hey Saoirse, (love your name) I have been reading your posts for a while. I can completely relate to the lack of support. Its really important to have it, and yet the partner in the deal does not support us in the end. Its very dissapointing. I get that, totally. But you ask whats the point, and the point is you have come a long way into quitting, and surely by now you can see some benefits. Not feeling like a piece of shit in the morning for one. I get my support here. My husband is clueless, really. He didnt even think I had a problem. hes cut back but he occassionally goes back in it.

In the end I had to cut my losses. Friends who drink too much, my husband is kind of the enemy some times, no one really gives a crap if I drink myself to death or not, except ME. I do. I feel better now. Like a normal person. I cant give up on that. Its gonna be a year for me in a couple of weeks. I am not being complacent, I could still fail. But hell, you have gone so far. Its for you. The friends for dinner and all of that?? Like Nancy Reagan (lol!); just say no.

Kaslo

[available]

Fed up!

yeah dont go the way i did and say fuck it, look where it got me. i didnt start to drink as much as i do until about 5 years ago. when i was 30 i had 4 kids under 7 so i only drank once or twice a week but it escalated to everyday. now i have had 7 days this month af and happy about that. i am not up to the 30 day af thing yet, now that scares the shit out of me but i am getting my head into a better place. i used to nag and lecture my ex but did not do a thing, made him drink more, as you do. i seemed to get with men that drink and thats not good and now single and trying to do my thing. who would want me anyways i think but one day. alcoholicism is in my family, my brother died of it and i dont want to go there so in little ways i am changing but i find if i am around people who drink then i do. i need to stop that thought.

[Saoirse & the wild horse]

Fed up!

Kaslo my hubs didn't think I had a problem either! But I know that when you wake in the morning and you can't remember getting home , or what you said to people and also bruises from falling now that's a problem! I too get my support here and I'm so grateful for it! I would not be AF if it were not for this site and all the great people on it!!
Available also got with men that liked to drink even before my hubby! I see that now, and my husband likes a good time so that was a plus for me! Alcohol is rampant in my family! But I want to break that cycle with Gods help!
Congrats on 7 days sober! Take it one day at a time and before you know it the days add up!
Please speak kind words about yourself ! I don't like that you said " who would want me.'
We are all uniquely beautiful in our own way, and there's enough people out there that would tells otherwise so we need to speak kindly to ourselves. Learning to love ourselves is very important on our AF journey , especially as we have punished and hated ourselves for far too long!

I think it's good that your single while you heal yourself , that way when you do meet someone it will be a healthy person and for the right reason!!

[available]

Fed up!

oh the blackouts now arent they great things not! i too wake up with bruises and think mmm what did i do. oh i have men that want me but sex is not the be all and end all and yes i have to learn to like myself again. i like myself when i am not drinking dont think much of myself a night after drinking which was last night. i even sat there drinking thinking what am i doing, i dont want to drink, i dont want to be pissed, i dont want to wake with a hangover and the shakes, so why am i doing it. habit, addicted, its a hideous disease that i will get rid of. thanks for your kind words, they make me think, this site makes me think a lot and i just wld not have had 7 af days if not for here.

[Saoirse & the wild horse]

Fed up!

Its ok available , we are what we are! We have a problem! What matters is that we do something about it! The 1st step at least!!!!!!! GL to us all!!

[Chillgirl]

Fed up!

Saoirse - I think you are doing amazingly! To have this pressure and lack of support early in your sobriety shows to me incredible strength of character. Don't under estimate yourself. I too was a real binger and would expect my partner to get me home at weekends after I'd blacked out. My life would be so different if I'd quit at 30. It took me to 45 to finally do it and by then I was single and scaring myself shitless as to how I got home on my own. The bruises and accidents were becoming more frequent. I broke my nose and my ribs in separate incidents and still I didn't stop. DON'T wait till you get to where I was.

I love that you recognize all the behaviour you no longer want in yourself, this is great positive steps rather than focusing on what you think you are missing. You are missing nothing and as for the fuck it thoughts we have, all these do are harm US not the other person, it's just crazy AL thinking, see it for what it is.

You are in for a tough ride with a husband who drinks but you sound to me like you will do it. Having a social life which revolves around AL will have to change and I know this sounds impossible but gradually you will find other ways to fill your time. I went from the girl who was down the bar every night till closing to someone who cherishes early nights so I can get up feeling good and go cycling or walking in the morning. I love reading and actually remembering what I've read! I have all kinds of interests I never had before and couldn't imagine wasting any of my precious time now drinking.

Stay strong and keep coming here for support, in my early days I move into this forum and lived and breathed it. You have a wonderful future ahead of you.

[Guitarista]

Fed up!

Saoirse,

Cancel all dinner dates and social engagements until you've got a couple of months AF time under your belt. It is too much pressure to put on yourself. But if you really must attend an engagement, firstly, don't, but if you have to, have an exit plan for the event. Arriving late and leaving early is one way. Drive yourself if you can, or have control of your transport arrangements. A couple of months away from friends and social occassions where booze is present is a very small sacrifice to kickstart your sobriety, and give your sobriety, and your life a good chance.

Best wishes, G-bloke.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Fed up!

Nice post Chilli.

Saoirse, I think all us can relate to selfish behaviour when drinking. Speaking personally I know that first drink became for me something that I would lie for, sneak in, hid the truth, make excuses to go out and get etc. etc the list is endless. I am not like that when I am sober, I couldnt be further from it. My point is we did whatever it took to get our AL and were totally selfish in having it. Now I will be as selfish as I need to be to guard my sobriety. If my friends badger me to drink so what, if my partner doesnt like my not joining in, so what. I have to be single minded about this. This is for ME because I deserve to break from this addiction that has controlled such a large point of my life. It has stifled my ambition, resulted in lethargy, ambivalence to things that once were important to me and has basically smothered me as a person. I want out and if that means upsetting a few people who want to control how I choose to live my life then so be it. I am not forcing them to stop and trust they show me the same respect.
Do this for YOU, you deserve better than AL has shown you and the road it will inevitably lead you down if you give in to pressure from others. Its a hard road but you are not alone and there is huge support here 24/7 from all around the world to do the right thing and take your life back. It must be tough not to have the full support at home but I have a feeling your husband will very soon start to prefer the new sober you, how couldnt he.

[Pooks]

Fed up!

Sorry to hear to came home to that Sao, hope you stay strong (I think you will).
I know you love your husband and your friends but this is YOUR life, be selfish with it. (hark at me handing out advice lolz)
Just felt like I had to put my tuppence in 'cos of the support and encouragment you have shown me. xx

[Ellaq]

Fed up!

Hi Saorise.

I have been reading your posts since you joined. I think your husband is quite frightened by the changes coming in his life. He is afraid of losing his drinking buddy, of feeling guilty about drinking and the whole unknown territory - the new sober you. It may take a while for him to come around and see that this is for the best.

As others have said that you need to focus on you to help you get the life that you want and deserve. But your marriage is also important and it would be great if you could find a way to save both. I am further into a similar journey to yours albeit with 3 kids in tow now. And I still remember my husbands face the first time I said that I had enough and wanted to pack in drinking. It was like I had announced that I had an affair. These days he is much more supportive. I find it easier to say that I don't fancy having a drink tonight or I have a gym class I really want to do in the morning. I always drive now on nights out. He finds this approach easier than me saying I don't want to drink for 3 months. Freaks him out a little less I think.

Good luck with your journey. It is one that requires us to dig deep to find the strength to change our lives for the better and therefore the lives of those around us.

[Tipplerette]

Fed up!

Saroirse, my hubby is a drinker too. He says he can stop any time but never says no to a beer when we're out. We have a crazy social life too and our friends are mostly big drinkers. Luckily, a couple we are close to recently gave it up and they seem to be having fun. They have, wisely, been avoiding the gang until recently.

We have a wine rack stacked with red within my eyesight and my hubby doesn't think I have a problem. Why don't we do this together? You have three days; I have one so you'll ALWAYS be ahead of me LOL... I spend a lot of time in 'party' situations and have to learn to say NO. Yikes. I wish I felt the same strength at 5pm that I feel at 8am...