I failed.

[choice]

I'm scared to even post. I can't believe I've wrecked my sobriety. I got through all the hard stuff my family coming into town, my wedding even my honeymoon. I have a rule of not having AL in the house and some was here left over from our guests. An open bottle of red wine. It was up high on a shelf in the kitchen. I knew it was there I should have poured it down the sink. I know better. I was a year and 6 months clean. I drank that whole bottle. I think it was a glass short but what scares me is that I visited a place that was so numbing and it felt like a relief. Now I am reeling with guilt, my head is pounding... my now husband doesn't know. I don't want to tell him. He's a year +sober and I'm scared if he knows i did he will. I can't worry about that now. I was around so much alcohol leading up to my wedding and was so annoyed by my friends and family who got tipsy. What really scares me is I craved so badly last night and caved. All that time around drinking and I didn't crave once... I fought it for a couple of hours I just kept staring at the bottle... telling myself to throw it down the sink... I picked it up and almost did but I had that odd old feeling of not wanting to waste it... so i wasted myself. I'm only 2 days back from my honeymoon and we had a fight. Or rather he yelled at me because he was tired and all the bills are coming in from our day. After he yelled I left the house to get some air. When I came home he was in bed asleep. So I was alone. Just me, upset and an open bottle of wine... a secret to have with myself. The only problem is I am so scared and don't want to deal with this alone. The wedding was challenging. I have major issues with my father and he has fallen off the wagon big time and was hungover a lot... he yelled at me a few times. I think I was holding off how bad this all felt to get through the duration of it all. I wanted to be classy and not argue back or loose my cool. I think I pulled it off and the day was beautiful. I think. It all went really fast. My husbands grooms men where terrible. I had to take down my facebook account they will not get over that he won't drink and are cyber bullying. I can't believe all of this has made me just crumble and reach for the bottle. The sad thing is there are two beers from my brother in law just sitting in the fridge and my hangover is so horrible that I am considering hair of the dog. I won't. I'm going to throw it all away. A part of me thinks well I started again so might as well have a small bender... I can get back on track right? Dangerous thoughts are running through my head. I am alone all the time. I know I was in trouble with HALT. My now husband had never snapped at me in such a way and I am so exausted and jet lagged. I'm angry at him and at how my dad was out of control. I haven't felt this bad for a long time before I took the first sip and especially now. I really had the devil on my shoulder. And a major important rule was broken. Alcohol was in the house. Thank god I didn't have any smokes handy. I felt like smoking. Most of all I didn't care anymore. I'd had enough. I always thought it would be another person who would temp me.... I had forgotten how I had dealt with emotional pain with alcohol drinking by myself. I'm so sad that I use to do that to myself. in secret. I just want to hide. All the horrible effects alcohol has is happening.

[Mands]

I failed.

Hi Choice

I hope its OK to post being a newbie and all.

I just noticed your mood in my post and followed you here to see if you were OK.

:l

I don't think I am in the position to offer advice, but I am thinking of you!

[Nelz]

I failed.

First thing ya need to do is kick your hubs friends asses to the curb! What a bunch of fools, that kinda makes my blood boil, that people could act so juvenile.

You made it a lllllong daym way, you should be very proud of that. Take this as a lesson learned, and certainly do not beat yourself up too bad. You seem to have a lot of remorse, which tells me that you know its wrong.

Cant change the past now, but you can change the future, your AF future, so, spend your time and energies on that....I wish you good luck, and all the strength needed.

[choice]

I failed.

Hi Molly,
Thank you so much for your support. I'm going to try and do just as you say. It's hard not to get carried away and make this really big and start beating myself up even more. I hate alcohol. I feel all that bad freaky anxiety stuff that I haven't felt in such a long time. It really is terrible. I know it will pass and know I can't handle alcohol at all. I do need to keep perspective and I like what you said about how one bottle of wine can't change what I've done. And telling me not to wallow and sink is good advice that I'll hold onto as I ride this evil hangover out. I hope your doing well :l I always find your advice so comforting and I miss you. :l

Mands, thanks for seeing if I am okay :l I am.. just feeling all these feelings I'd left in the dust when I stopped drinking for so long. I regret what I did and I'm just going to have faith that I'll just start again today. At least I know I can do it. I'm trying to learn from it but not dwell. the not dwelling isn't going very well. I just have to wait it out. And recognize that I am always gonna need to stick to my rules/plan because I have a problem if I don't.... even a year and 6 months later... all it took was an open bottle of wine in the house, I was so tired, feeling angry, and lonely. Now I just feel beat up physically but my mind is trying to hold onto all the thoughts it has when I don't have alcohol in my system. Like it's going to be okay... tomorrow will be better.. one day at a time... etc.

Nelz, I completely agree with you about the friends. They have been becoming less and less apart of our life. I'm proud of him for not caving in..He's pretty sick of them and I think feels let down and sad about it. It's got to be bothering him. Maybe that's why he snapped at me. I don't think I'm going to tell him about my slip. Maybe someday when I feel we both are safe. but not right now... I'm scared me slipping could open a door for him. And he may resent that he's been so strong and I slipped. Not sure what to do really... just want to do the right thing.. not drinking is all I know as being the best solution.

[Mands]

I failed.

I am glad to hear you are working through eveything OK.

After I posted I had a thought, and I hope its appropriate to say.

Over the years I have had friends "swear off" drinking.

I respected them too much to try to sabotage their efforts, but I was very unsympathetic and did not want to hear about it.

Why.. because then I would have to admit I had a problem myself.

I wonder if the reaction of others, especially to your Husband is due in part to that.

After all why should someone else care if you choose not to drink, its not as if its something you need to live!

Its probably me overthinking - I do that!

[choice]

I failed.

I don't think your over thinking Mands... or if you are it's alright by me as I am in overdrive with my thoughts today.

I always had a lot of respect for people who quit drinking but I also didn't really feel like hanging out with them. Or for that madder I really didn't hangout with moderate drinkers or friends that were starting families and curbed their drinking. I didn't want to look like a drunk so I hung out with people drinking the same way I did so I wouldn't feel embarrassed.

I agree people shouldn't care if we drink or not. It took me a long time to feel comfortable saying "I don't drink" I was really insecure what people would think. It's silly that I thought that way, but I've gotten a lot more confident with myself during my sobriety. I think I'm over what people think... that but I'm wondering if with everything else going on that it ALL just took a tole... and I got vunerable and the rules and plan got too slack. At the end of the day I choose to drink that bottle and I drank it alone.

[fennel]

I failed.

I'm going to echo all of the above posters, and welcome, Mands! :welcome: I absolutely think newbies should post and offer their opinions.

Nelz is so right...hubs friends are a bunch of idiots. He'd do well to rethink those friendships. And as Nelz also said, you had a good run of sober time...this is a blip. Get right back on track...you know you can! Throw the beer out (no place for alcohol in your house now) and concentrate on your AF future. :l

[fluff]

I failed.

I don't think you " failed"- I think you tested yourself and know it's not the thing to do to make yourself feel better about bad things. Sometimes we need to go back to that place we were running from to understand why we were running away.

[Saoirse & the wild horse]

I failed.

fluff;1267393 wrote: I don't think you " failed"- I think you tested yourself and know it's not the thing to do to make yourself feel better about bad things. Sometimes we need to go back to that place we were running from to understand why we were running away.

Wow! This is very powerful fluff! I agree completely.

Choice I could almost touch the pain from your post! Don't beat yourself up. And I agree with you keeping it to yourself , for now until your stronger.
It would mess with your hubby's head and that's not needed !!!

Also have to agree with Nelz , your hubby's friends are not real friends!

You have still got 18 months sober choice .. with just a minor slip up.

You can do this! I know you can .:l

[choice]

I failed.

Thank you Fennel. Since I came here I had scene slips happen and wondered why and how. I really thought I wouldn't tempt it. Wow, do I feel so physically beat up. It's been hours now since I first posted and I don't feel physically much better. I can't get out of bed. I will have to soon to make dinner. When I do that I'll throw the rest of the alcohol away and bring it to the dumpster... it just can't be here. I don't want any of it but physically feel too weak at the moment to take the trash out. I look like hell too and don't want people in my building to see me. I agree about hubs friends. He doesn't have much to do with them since becoming sober. Just wish they could have been more supportive for our wedding for him and me. This is hard.

Thanks Fluff, yeah... I'm kinda feeling like it was a test. It wasn't intended as one. But I can't believe I use to feel this way at least once a week. The hangover part is terrible and I use to actually pull it together and go to work like this. Maybe it's worse because I haven't drank in so long, but I don't think so. I think I'm use to feeling good now and this is awful. The buzzy numb feeling was an affect that I missed but it was a really lonely feeling and I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't like how I was thinking about things. That is a first. I use to like the way I thought when I was drunk. It all felt really sneaky and selfish... self destructive. I really like what you wrote about "Sometimes we need to go back to that place we are running from to understand why we were running away." It is a scary place where I went. Very lost. I am relying on all the coping skills I developed sober... I can't wait till this stuff is out of my system!

[jessie]

I failed.

Hi Choice,
I'm feeling for you as well. I had a major slip recently after 36 days AF, and the disappointment was huge. I really think you should see it as a lesson learnt but don't beat yourself up any further. You had a slip, you're back on your horse, and that's all that matters.

[Solitaire]

I failed.

Dearest Choice! I see AL as a HUGE magnet, attracting ALL my thoughts when I drink!!! It is like my entire being gets consumed by "my drinking thought pattern". I can not seperate any idea without AL coming into consideration... The guilt, the stupid compromises, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, and then allowing things that I would NEVER do on a healthy and sober day. What stood out for me from your posts, is you mentioning you dad and brand new husband shouting at you... DO NOT ALLOW THAT, ever again!!! You have just started your marriage, don't allow now, and in a few months/years you will want to change it... Been there, done that... Lay your foundation so solid, that your union with you partner will be able to weather any storm... THAT is your CHOICE... And your right what you will or will not allow into your relationship...

Sorry about the long reply, you don't know me, but I understand your feelings so very well....

Be well, be loved, and be SOBER!!! xxx

[CS04]

I failed.

Congratulations on your wedding. i would take this time of new beginnings to decide how you (and/or your new husband) want to have AL involved in your lives. Sounds like it's already taken a toll. A wedding is a stressful (yet joyous) time, and I hope the two of you can find some balance. Better to do it earlier in the relationship than struggle later.

I wish you the best of hope and happiness!

[Tipplerette]

I failed.

Just a hiccup in your road to slaying the beast. Look at it as a little jab the beast got in when your defenses were down. You are winning the fight but he scored a small point. Now, be aware, keep your guard up and keep it to yourself if that is what your heart is telling you to do. People don`t need to know stuff that`ll hurt them just so you can ease your conscience. You`ve got to be so proud of your year and a half non-drinking. We all look up to people like you.

Keep up the good work and stand proud.

[Miklo]

I failed.

What you have to understand is that this will be a life long battle, you fell sure, so get back up. The fight is not over. Yea it was a year and a half sober, ok, you got there once youll get back. get rid of those friends, your married now anyway. cling to eachother. I have been married for almost 9 years, the first few are the hardest its a big adjustment for both of you. cling to him for strength, dont be ashamed to tell him and get support from him, thats why hes there. tell him, and use him to help you stay accountable. no shame, just stand back up.