Trying to make it through today...

[Pocket]

I'm new at posting here, but I am a regular reader. I have found reading the MWO forums very helpful in my journey to be AF. I will post more of my story later, but right now I'm just reaching out for support for today.

I started drinking heavily a year and a half ago. A few months ago I put together a few AF weeks with Moderation Management, but found myself spiraling down again. I tried again seriously in January, but faced some tough triggers and last week I began the process of tapering down. Again.

Today is technically my Day 2, and I am having a tough go of it. Most of my major withdrawal symptoms were actually during my tapering process, like Thursday and Friday. Yesterday I didn't feel great--twitchy, seriously anxious, and then fatigued--but I made it through cleaning the house and spending time with my daughter. I am taking supplements, eating what I can, and drinking lots of hydrating fluids.

I am extremely anxious because I let work I need to complete for tomorrow slide, and I am terrified of not being able to pull it together in time. So while I physically feel somewhat better, I woke up this morning wanting to drink. And the urges are really close together. I haven't had anything to drink, and I have been using every tool I can, but every time I try to get started with my work-related responsibilities, I feel a very, very strong desire to run down the street to the store and "just have one."

I don't really want to drink. I have been journaling about the reasons I know an AF life is absolutely what I need, and I have plenty of material to motivate me. My daughter, my job, my relationship, my health... Not ever going through withdrawal again... The list is long, and yet I still want to drink. Right now.

I've been at Day 2 before and never felt this way. Usually, when I relapse, it's because I attend some social situation after not drinking for a few weeks and have a few beers, feel I can moderate, and then begin drinking alone after a time. Now, I still feel absolutely terrible for stuff that happened on my little bender, and I have been working through a withdrawal, and I still want to drink?!? It's crazy! On Friday I would have given anything to make it through the day with zero drinks, and today I know I physically can. Mentally, it's never been harder.

Plus it's time to pull it together. I'm in a temporarily long distance relationship, so I am living the daily life of a single mom with a new career. I don't have time to drink, and I care about my daughter and my job way too much to screw it up, and yet I feel like I am about to.

I know this is rambling, and I'm sorry. But so far I have tried:
*eating
*calling my girlfriend
*tidying up
*reading the forum
*meditation
So I thought I would post here and maybe use it to stay accountable. I really want to make it today AF, and it's taking everything I have. Does anyone have any advice about making it AF this early in my fresh start, or advice about getting my work done when all I can think about is drinking?

[choice]

Trying to make it through today...

:welcome: Pocket,

Wow! It sounds like you really are a head of the game. I'm glad you posted and you've already got some great tools. There is the tool box that can help... but I've found not only reading here helps but writing. Post as much as you can. Something that helps me not drink today is thinking about tomorrow. How much better I'll feel waking up. It's so much more hopeful. Best of luck to you, great name!

Hang in there today will be over before you know it and you'll be on day 3. ODAT (one day at a time) really works :l

[crazyforwine]

Trying to make it through today...

Dear Pocket,

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I recently went through withdrawal as I tapered down and it was pretty grim. And today, on day 8, I am wanting a drink so badly I could scream! Weekend afternoons are the worst for me. But you have what it takes to stick with your plan, Pocket-you have great reasons to do so and you sound like a very thoughtful, insightful person.

Like you, I have been trying to distract myself: reading, watching TV, cleaning, cooking...but I still feel lonely and bored and like a few drinks would help. But it won't. I will just have to start all over again, and probably not tomorrow. Probably in year or two! That's how it goes with me. I can't afford to waste any more time.

And, I suffer from the same work related anxiety. It's very scary stuff to deal with. I have found that the best way to handle this kind of anxiety is just put your head down and do the work. You will feel enormously better when it's done-like you accomplished something! And your anxiety will decrease accordingly. Take it from one who went back to bed many mornings just to avoid the anxiety of work. It's not a good thing, it's much better to tackle it.

I wish you all the best as you go through the rest of your day. Day Two is tough; the first couple of weeks are. But as everyone on this site will tell you, it gets better, much better, as time goes on.

CW

[Unwasted]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket, I drank water with lemon and ordered the MWO supplements when I started, including the All One Powder and Kudzu. But, since you don't have those at your disposal, you could try the water with lemon. Hot baths, reading, TV, exercise (walking or jogging), reading and posting here, reading tons of literature on alcohol, etc. are what work for me. You could try an AA meeting.....not sure how much time you have to do other things if you're trying to finish some work.

Oh, and I ate tons of sweets and still do.......figure it's the lesser of the evils at the beginning. I counter-balance it with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables.

Try posting on the Newbie Thread too under Just Starting Out.

Wishing you the best.

[Pocket]

Trying to make it through today...

So. Didn't make it. I really, really appreciate the replies, and I feel awful for not making it through. I had two shots and still feel crazy. I am committed to making sobriety part of my lifestyle--by necessity, at the very least, and that's certainly not all-- and I feel awful. Yeah, I had two minutes of feeling great, or something like great... numb, maybe? And then everything came back and not only did I have the weight of my responsibilities before, I now have the added expense of feeling like I have failed. And not quite right.

I called and told my girlfriend, which is not typical of Drinking Pocket, and also I am not drinking any more now. Plus I am posting honestly. This is an improvement and I am going to view it as such, even though it's not what I want and far from my goal. I ordered a pizza and I am going to eat and tackle the least difficult parts of my work week. The huge temptation is to go and get more to drink. I know I screwed up at giving myself a day 3, but I don't want to give up and get wasted.

I feel so bad about myself right now. I know that isn't going to get me anywhere, so I am posting anyway. I DO know that encouragement from others is super important, and that this is a journey. I am committed to making it. It's really hard to look at the last few days--heck--months and still keep trying, but I know what I want and I can't have it unless I am AF.

Anyway, thank you. And I'm sorry. Hopefully I can post tomorrow an AF Day 1. I will start posting in other forums as well. This has been a bad day, and it stinks that it's my first posting here.

[Nelz]

Trying to make it through today...

Well, to me it sounds like you are on the right track. You have recognized the problem and have a desire to do something about it. As soon as that urge to do something, is stronger than the urge to drink, you will stop drinking.

All I can tell you from my own experience is, its pretty difficult at first to not cave to the desires to drink. AL is everywhere, tv shows, billboards....on and on. It makes our battle that much harder.

But you can do it...this board is full of people that prove that everyday. In my opinion, its getting past those first few tough urges. Beacuse after a while the urges start to come along less, and its MUCH easier to surf the urge. After a few successful wins, you can use that to build on.

Then you start to see positive changes in mind, body, and soul. At that point you are on the downhill part of the roller coaster. And when I say roller coaster, thats what it is, but those bumps flatten out over time.


Good luck, wishing you much strength, wisdom, and support

[choice]

Trying to make it through today...

Well, I like your attitude of really addressing the problem and trying to do something about it. I hope you hang in there with finding a support group in here or other networks.. I think feeling bad goes along with the territory in trying to stop so just know your not alone. We have all been there trying to stop,,, that's why we are here now. :l

[Pocket]

Trying to make it through today...

Nelz-- thank you for responding even though I screwed up. I haven't had a drink since I posted last, and I have more food in me. I still am panicking about work, and I have still want to drink more, but I have urge-surfed and if need be I will try to sleep early and get up early to be prepared for tomorrow.

It won't be perfect, but two shots and resisting more is better than twelve shots and being totally useless, right?

[Pocket]

Trying to make it through today...

Thank you, Choice. I really, really am trying and I appreciate your words of encouragement. I feel like if I started asking for support and then screwed up it would be better to be honest than hide it like I usually have in the past. I know that by drinking those shots I'm no inspiration, but I strive to be, and I am still not giving up.

[Unwasted]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket, you're doing the right thing by posting. You are trying, and you are making progress. The very most important thing is to not give up. We are here for you and we understand. Most of us have failed multiple times. At some point, it gets a lot harder to stop, so keep that in mind as you navigate the journey.

Once things settle down, if you can start stringing together a few days, a week, two weeks........set small goals, and don't beat yourself up. That doesn't help. Just keep on trying, reading and posting. If you find you can't do it, you can always consider meds, which some people are having success with....it's better to be able to do it on your own, but just keep in mind that there are several alternatives....

Sending you peace and strength. :lilheart:

[Nelz]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket;1274278 wrote: Nelz-- thank you for responding even though I screwed up. I haven't had a drink since I posted last, and I have more food in me. I still am panicking about work, and I have still want to drink more, but I have urge-surfed and if need be I will try to sleep early and get up early to be prepared for tomorrow.

It won't be perfect, but two shots and resisting more is better than twelve shots and being totally useless, right?

Thats just it, no one here is pefect, we have all had multiple attempts at quitting..some stick some dont....I promise you one thing, when you are "ready" 100% to do this, it will happen.

And a resounding YES to only having a few shots, instead of 12, beleeeeeeeive me, I know about having way too many for way too long.

[Dave_]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket,

You know what you have to do, your posts scream it!

Do you live alone and there are no kids around? if so or they are in bed here's a project for you. It works, believe me.

Go to a craft shop. get two bits of felt of material 100 cm x 100 cm. (if you're American do your own conversions or catch up to the 21st century ) also pick up a big handful of heavy stuffing, some doll eyes and something to make a mouth and a permanent marker.

Take that material and cut it into a shape that pleases your unique sensabilities. You know, a teddy bear, a bottle of booze, the asshole at work, you know something you just don't like.

Stitch it, stuff it and then buy a sword shaped letter opener and pin your creation to a pin board, a dart board or some such thing.

When the cravings emerge, take you little doll and stab that prick until the frustration subsides.

Two things:
Building the little bastard takes time and thought and through the process of detox and nervous fingers it gives you something to focus on.
Secondly, when the cravings come you wont be left wondering what to do or how to handle it. Grab you little booze representing bastard and stab that thing until you are spent. Up side. if you stab it enough you will have to build another one! Repeat as often as needed until your mind clears and the the cravings diminish. Then work on more long term solutions.

Good Luck!

[Pocket]

Trying to make it through today...

Thanks, Nelz and unwasted, for your encouragement when I really, really needed it.

And Dave-- I love your idea! I laughed my ass off. And I may be American, but I do know metric units... I just wish that at some point they would stop teaching both systems in school so kids could figure it out faster.

I do have a kiddo, but as soon as I have a minute after work, I'm going to go get materials and craft myself a bottle of Sailor Jerry. That's one way to kill the beast, for sure.

[Dave_]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket;1274894 wrote:

And Dave-- I love your idea! I laughed my ass off. And I may be American, but I do know metric units... I just wish that at some point they would stop teaching both systems in school so kids could figure it out faster.

I do have a kiddo, but as soon as I have a minute after work, I'm going to go get materials and craft myself a bottle of Sailor Jerry. That's one way to kill the beast, for sure.

Awesome and good luck. Don't forget to have a laugh the world is just not that serious.

[Almostfamous]

Trying to make it through today...

Pocket- glad youhavent left MWO. It's progress that you came right back here and want to quit. It's day by day. I can't look at the big picture or I get overwhelmed. I can tell you that each day I wake up without wine (or any other poison) it's like the weight of the world has been lifted. Please keep reading and posting. You can do this!

Dave- thanks for the hearty laugh. Laughing is the best medicine!!!!