revisiting my lonely place.

[luke379]

last night i got intoxicated, drank 9 beers, played loud music, my partner hated it, she left the house with my 11 month old son, shes now at her friends place. i rang her and her friend picked up phone she said she doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want me to ring her.

She has given me many chances, i think i may have pushed it way too far now. she is a non drinker and when i drink i get drunk. I love her and my son, but everynow and then i have had the urge to drink so i do and it gets messy.

I'm now at the beginning again of sobriety, day 1 today, i will keep sober hopefully.

I've been a drinker for 8 years, relapsed counless times saying im gonna stop, then i will begin drinking again days later. I've been in many troubles due to alcohol, last night was loud music and not remembering the whole night.


Felt like death this morning, heart racing felt like it was going to jump out my chest. I'm now at that lonely place again, missing my son and partner, its devasting to think that this drug has the biggest hold on me.


bless me please as im desperate for help.

[RedThread12]

revisiting my lonely place.

Hey, Luke:

Oy. I know the feeling. Inside out. I woke up every morning with my heart racing, and could not keep myself from drinking alcohol to try to feel better. That worked - NOT.

What have you done in the past that has helped? Do you have anyone around who understands that you have a disease, not a lack of morality or will-power? Because that's what drives us to drink, even when it's the last thing we should be doing. The disease of alcoholism.

You might want to peek over at the Meds thread and read, especially back in time a while, about baclofen. It saved my life. And relationships. And business. And happiness. And ease. And satisfaction with life.

AND there are so many ways that we find our own way out. You CAN do that, you know. Don't stop until you figure out what works for you. Obviously, it's not drinking, so you can check that off the list!

[luke379]

revisiting my lonely place.

thankyou for the reply redthread12, i know my life will get better if i don't drink, i need to do this for myself also. This time i definitely need to be commited to not drink.

[hidden_gem]

revisiting my lonely place.

Hi Luke,

I am so sorry to hear how lonely you feel and I do know that feeling.

You are so right when you say you need to do it for yourself. Giving up for others shows that you care, but unless it's for you, you may find it hard later when willpower is just not enough. It is important to be really sure that it is the best thing - for YOU - because you deserve a better life.

A question I found helpful was,
Do I believe that alcohol has caused this situation, or
Do I believe that alcohol is just a factor and that if I could just be less weak/more confident/deal with my "issues", then I would be able to drink normally?

Alcohol slowly kills your confidence and deadens your ability to feel happiness over time.

When you still have that hangover you just want the pain to stop. It is not until more non-drinking time has passed that you start to realise just what you've been missing out on - and it is truly worth showing up for.

Please know that you are not alone. Things will get better. They will and they do.

Hugs to you
Gem

[luke379]

revisiting my lonely place.

thanks for the reply hidden gem,

at the moment im in pain mentally and emotionally due to my drinking of alcohol and losing the people i love in my life, i don't know when she will call me, all these throughts racing thru my head its dreadful. The love of my life could walk out on me due to alcohol just hurts me right now, i can't do anything either to get her back, its up to her now to choose to leave me or stay.

I'm constantly waiting for the sound of her car at the front of my house and to hear her keys opening up the front door so i can tell her how much i love her and my son.

if she doesn't come home today its going to be a painful, but a new day will rise tomorrow and the pain still may be there but the drinking won't, i need to remain strong thru all this.

[hidden_gem]

revisiting my lonely place.

The wait sounds like it would be agonising. And it is so hard to convince our loved ones that we won't behave badly again.

As you say, it will be a new day tomorrow. And also as you say, you can't do anything to get her back at the moment. What you can do is start living your new life right now, and start living the way that you plan to, for the future.

That way, when and if (I hope that's it's "when") she is ready to talk again she will find you living cleanly and soberly. As enough days go past the trust will increase.

In the meantime, do what you can to tidy things up for yourself. Clean up a room. Go for a walk. These are simple things I know when your world is falling apart, but the physical act of doing something helps to stablise you.

Remember that the alcohol is still in your system and making it all seem a hundred times worse. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, my friend.

Gem

[Captainjack]

revisiting my lonely place.

Hi Luke you're post has bought back many painful memories for me thank you for reminding me .... I have been in that place too..and never want to return..it is a hollow gut wrenching hair pulling out very sad place ..I feel for you and your current pain, family is so important ...but...it's redeemable ,seek assistance in any form( help ),particularly with your thoughts ......you need as I did and denied my self for so long..... to understand loving your true self means you don't hurt others...without the drink flowing through your veins...we are good people ...if you are like me I drowned my true self in so much alcohol i lost sight of that...it's not lost ..believe me it will turn out ok ..just do one simple thing quit drinking..... and re discover yourself ..in that state (sober) any thing is redeemable.

[Wagoneer]

revisiting my lonely place.

Luke - sending happy and sober thoughts your way. You have a HUGE motivator to stop. Your partner and your son. Getting sober is hard and it sucks, but the alernative is losing your family and your health. Not worth it. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Seems like you are like me. You are fine not drinking, but when you do, you have no "off switch". One day at a time friend. Don't have any alcohol in the house for starters, and look into the supplements. Kudzu rescue really helped me. Best of luck.

[Almostfamous]

revisiting my lonely place.

Hi Luke,
This is a very supportive and informative place. Regarding your partner, actions do speak louder than words. Take it day by day. Sobriety is work but it pays off in spades. Do it for yourself, your partner and yourself. You can do this!

[Doggygirl]

revisiting my lonely place.

Hi luke. Just wanted to add to the :welcome:

Giving up my addictions (alcohol and nicotine) is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But also one of the BEST things I have ever done for my life, my business, my relationshiops, etc. I too used to put alcohol (and cigarettes) in front of everything that mattered to me.

Everyone here has a slightly different journey to sobriety. I hope you will read many threads and connect with people here who can help you. For me, my journey started when I downloaded and read the My Way Out book from the "Health Store" here. I have since added other support resources (AA in addition to the My Way Out forum) and all of this has changed my life.

There is a way out for you too. If there is one suggestion I would make, it's just to BE OPEN MINDED and willing to try things. If something you were doing before was working, do it again. If you need more tools, search for them here.

You CAN do this. If I can do it, I know you can do it too. Alcohol used to rule my life and today it doesn't.

DG

[luke379]

revisiting my lonely place.

Thanks for the replys everyone, may i thank you all for your comfort and support as im going thru this tough time.

My partner rang me last night at 9.30pm, she said that she is moving out with my son, she
said i still get to see my son.

She said she is single now but we spoke about another chance at beginning our relationship and she said shes not sure.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol last year so i know the taste of success and then i choose to drink alcohol and it just ends up im back in the trouble again with myself and my family.

Right now im heart broken, i've hit rock bottom, and ive hit rock bottom in the past too but i have never gone as low as this rock bottom. Now i need to go thru the processes of being a single father and deal with all that comes with that, i hope i can gain another chance to be with her again as she is amazing wonderful person.

When i get another chance to speak to her i will definitely go with what she wants and i'll back her 100%, i want her and my son to be happy.

for now my recovery process is to remain sober always no matter what life throws at me.

[FlyAway]

revisiting my lonely place.

What would you have done this last time when you got the urge to drink if you knew that this was the time that would "push it too far?" Would you have drank anyway? Are you willing to never drink again? Because that's most likely what it's going to take to stay in the relationship with your partner.

When you say that there's nothing you can do and it's all up to her that sounds like bullshit to me. That sounds like you're putting the responsibility for your relationship working or not working on her. What you can do is not drink anymore. You've told her time and time again that you'd stop and then haven't kept your word. So stop drinking and stay stopped. And maybe after a while, a long while, she just might start believing you.

When you speak to her again I'd suggest saying something along the lines that you understand that she considers herself single and you respect her in that, but that you don't consider yourself single because she has your heart. Tell her that you know you've told her before that you'd change and that you know you've let her down, but that you are going to prove to her that you can be the man she wants. Tell her that you're willing to wait as long as it takes. And then be that man. That is if you really want her more than you want alcohol.

[Chilipepper]

revisiting my lonely place.

That was good, dang good FlyAway. It really speaks to the essence of the situation for all of us. If things that we say are truly most important to us, then we should be able to make the final decision to turn away from alcohol for good - no matter what it takes.

[nicelife]

revisiting my lonely place.

I just happened upon this post. Catching up after a few days away. The absolute bottom line for all of us in anything we are contemplating doing/having/wanting is that we want one thing more than the other. There is always a trade in life if we are making conscious decisions about what we WANT. You have to WANT the life a sober presence brings MORE than alcohol and how IT makes our life!! Quid pro quo.... Some things just ain't worth it huh? Alcohol sure isn't for me.

FlyAway - fab post.

[Dave_]

revisiting my lonely place.

Ah the day after, is there a worse time to be alive? Your heads thumps, your body rebels and your mind races with all the thoughts of mistakes made.

What to do?
Get a time machine?
Kick the crap out of yourself?
Rant and rave?
Scream and curse?
Drink?

or

Accept that the position you are in is a product of your own making and strive for a better managed and sustainable life.

In a nut shell these are your choices - choose one.