Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

[SAUSAGE]

Happy Easter everyone!
Day 45 for me and I'm feeling pretty good.
My husband who previously drank at about the same levels as me, abstained (without much apparent difficulty it seems) from alcohol over Lent. It has made things much easier for me.

However now Lent is over he has told me he plans to open a former favourite (of mine)red sparkling wine to drink tonight to celebrate.

I told him last night I wouldn't be joining him ( it was our 10th wedding anniversary on Frii by the way, and we celebrated with AF drinks). He seemed quite upset, said he would feel silly drinking it on his own. I said "you can have it if you want to it is up to you, but I won't be joining you" I've already worked out that asking him not to have a drink only irritates him and makes him moody for hours.

He thinks I should moderate ( just doesn't get it that some people can't - and he's a medical doctor!) he thinks I don't have a problem ( or else doesn't want to see it ) yet previously I drank in excess of 35 units a week (daily drinker, every single day, couldn't even do 1 day AF) and my levels were creeping up more and more so clearly I do have a problem. He works away a lot so admittedly didn't always see me drink.

He hates being the only drinker (I was AF for 8 months previously) and I can't see him ever quitting as he does enjoy his wine and "doesn't see why he should have to give it up" he says food isn't as good without a glass of wine.

I absolutely don't want to drink tonight but how do you advise me to handle this situation?

Sausage x
Day 45

[patrice]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

I'm really sorry for saying this but I think your husband is totally selfish... he doesn't want to have the bottle on his own, knowing you have a problem with AL.. ?? knowing you don't want to drink??
knowing you have fought hard NOT to drink?? 45 days and then suddenly you can drink again with him to celebrate the end of lent? Beggars Belief!!!
The fact that he is a Medical Doctor is very sad, he clearly has no idea of addiction, co dependancy or a real life emapthy with people... Don't drink just to keep him company.. you are doing so well, don't let an idiot derail that...
Sorry don't mean to be disparaging about hubs but really... makes my blood boil!!
Take care
Patrice

[Guitarista]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Well, this bloke has just let the 'cat out of the bag' and shown his true colours. If a long term partner of mine in love and life took that line, it would be the ultimate in disrespect, and i would be out the door.

Selfish, mindless, and disrespectful.

Stand up for yourself and just be honest.

[JackieClaire]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Sausage,
I'm absolutely flabbergasted.

I can only liken it to asking a committed vegetarian friend of mine to have a couple of slices of the beautiful roast lamb I'd just cooked or I'd be offended.

Stick to your guns, love.

[anon]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Sausage I think we have the same husband.
It is so much harder without your partner on board but it really is possible. So stick to your guns.

[pingu1997]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

I don't drink any more, and I was a daily drinker too, prob around the same quantities as you and creeping up. I had to give it up on my own. It is possible but it can be hard. If I was put under pressure by him to drink I would ram the fecking bottle up his ar&e. Sorry but it's true. Be true to yourself. And feel good about it
X

[ExpatJock]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

I'm tempted to say it's a very 'Scottish' issue, having been born and brought up there and knowing the 'drinking culture' which exists, particularly in the west of Scotland. But, on reflection, that would be disingenuous....

From my current (personal crisis) perspective, I'd say it's yer' man that owns the problem, not YOU.

I'm not familiar with Lent, but is it conceivable that he may have self-medicated with benzos to 'tide him over' the abstinence period? Whichever way you look at it, by 'encouraging' you to partake, he seems not to have your own needs and best interests at the forefront of his mind.

[mama bear]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Sausage
my hubs longs for the day when I can be a normal drinker. Drinking was a big part of our courtship and weekends during marriage for years. He misses going out to dinner at the beach and having drinks.
That being said, I have come to the realization that it is my problem and he can do what he wants. I have to do this for me. His support is unconditional, but he still drinks. I love him, he loves me and we will work this out. He has offered to stop if it helps me...but i don;t want to force it on him.....
btw...he NEVER drinks at home.....he meets his buddies a few nights a week. I have had to work on this not being a trigger for me, as he comes home fine and I am trashed......
Good Luck and be strong and try to make him understand.......

[hidden_gem]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Sausage,

Can totally relate. My fiance has said he is fine with me not drinking, but after six weeks, has started to say things - after he's had a few - like, "Come on, drink with me". As if I am somehow leaving him on his own and neglecting him if I don't. In his case, I know it's because the longer I go without drinking, and the more he sees me improve without drink, the more obvious his drinking issues will be.

Your husband is being unfair, that's the truth of it. Have you seen that movie, 'Days of Wine and Roses"? Sad story about a couple who try to give up drinking but keep convincing each other to drink again. Watching that has certainly strengthened my resolve not to give in!

Even if your husband hasn't got a drinking problem of his own, it sounds like there is a control issue here, even if it is unconscious.

Couple of things here that reminded me of the Allen Carr book (not sure if you've read that).

One - your hubby says he would feel silly drinking the wine on his own. Well, why would that be? Would he feel silly drinking a cup of tea on his own? If it's about celebration, then can't you celebrate the end of Lent by drinking sparkling water?

Two - he says food doesn't taste as good without a glass of wine. Allen Carr points out, how can wine make food taste better? You don't pour the wine on the food. We've been brainwashed to think that we need "the perfect wine" along with a meal. And to pay a fortune for it.

Anyway - ramble over! - I'm not suggesting that you try and reason with him with the above. That would just put you in a position of trying to make him think the way you now do about alcohol, which is not really what you need. You just need him to back off about YOUR intake.

Maybe he just needs to understand how important this is to you.

Good luck & hugs
Gem

[oliveoyl]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Your husbands a dick head I assume thats what DH stands for I am a husband to a wife if I said that Shite ...she would call me a dick head . Because !she told me I don't drink any more ..that's what lovers do be honest with each other no slinking off
I'm sorry but do you want to be a dick head the answer is NO ..while becoming sober practice saying no with confidence it will steed you well for the future sober you ...
Instead ask husband for sober sex you both won't regret that well I don't know ..maybe ..either way worth a try for sure!!
And FFS........ this thread is for serious help .......shudder to think hubby asking you to give your lent commitment up warrants this post ..
Sorry to be so harsh

[ExpatJock]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

mollyka;1293537 wrote: Yep and yep what MrG and Jackie say!
On the other hand --- as time goes on I become more and more aware of how non-alkies CANNOT understand this disease - at all - so even, despite the fact he is a doctor, maybe he just doesn't understand? Molly:l

Molly,
They understand alright, make no mistake about it. It's part of their training; initial and on-going.

I've been through quite a number of detoxes (all alcohol). Occupation or societal status respects no boundaries. During these episodes, MDs (and pharmacists) represented an alarming number of co-habitants, in the main for:

• Alcohol dependency
• Self-medication, particularly with benzos (Diazepam, Oxazepam etc.)Pethidine addiction

I don't know what these observations really mean, other than human beings just being human.

[Doggygirl]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Hi Sausage. I am so sorry to hear about the ..... what's a good word? ANTI-supportive situation you find yourself in. I was a daily drinker too and I absolutely cannot control what I drink once I start. All I can say is that if I were in your shoes, it wouldn't matter WHAT my husband wanted. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, right?

I can't drink if I want to live. That's all. It doesn't matter what anyone else might *wish* *want* or *demand* from me.

If you were a diabetic, would he whine and stomp and holler because it would not be wise for you to eat birthday cake with him?

If you were allergic to peanuts, would he stomp his feet and insist that it's no fun to eat peanut butter & jelly sandwiches alone, and you should join him?

If you were sensitive to poison ivy, would he insist that you have a picnic in the middle of a poison ivy patch?

If you were blind and he needed a ride somewhere, would he expect you to drive him?

I know that I can't give up my sobriety for anything or anyone. It's life and death at some point.

Good luck to you Sausage. I hope you stick to your guns.

DG

[oliveoyl]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Tell him to fuck off and next time you need help as soon as possible call your local priest
Sorry to be so harsh this thread is for SERIOUS help like 911 stuff.

[momof3]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

Good Morning Dear Sausage,

I have followed your journey and I know how hard it was for you to come back after your last relapse and you are clear that drinking is not an option for you.

I would concur with others who have said that if your husband is pressuring you to drink then he may have a problem too. I also think that when one person makes a change in any family, the dynamic is that other members want to pull them back to the way things were. It's weird but true. When one person makes a change in a family system, others feel pressure to change/adjust too. They resist because they want to keep things the way things were because it serves them in some way.

My husband is a "normie" and he never quite fully understood that I could never drink. However, he never pressured me to drink. I met my husband and married him when I was well on my way to having a drinking problem. I often wonder if I would have chosen him as a partner today as a nondrinker. He had his own addictions to overcome and well with me having my own addiction, it was easier for him. Our relationship has been pretty rocky since I have quit drinking. But he is a good man and a good father so I have chosen to stay for now.

Can you reflect back to your husband what he is communicating to you, i.e., "so you are telling me that despite my commitment to not drink because I believe I have a serious drinking problem, you want me to have a drink with you because you don't want to drink alone?"

If he doesn't back off, can you just go out for the evening or ask him to go out and find a friend to have a drink with? It may not be a good idea for you to be around him if he is in such a state. Not drinking is your number one priority and he is being irrational and unsupportive.

We are all supporting you here Sausage.
:hM3

[Willow23]

Husband wants me to have one drink with him tonight now Lent is over!

I agree with the points that the others have made - maybe he genuinely doesn't realise how bad you became as he was working away. Even so, he should be supportive of what YOU want to do. Maybe you do need to have it out with him and make your point clear. Also, maybe he does have a problem himself and can keep the illusion that AL's ok and normal 'cos everyone does it' kind of thing.

I actually think alcoholism is rife within the NHS - I think a lot of health professionals use it as a crutch - understandably really. When I went to my doctor, she said "Just stick to a couple of small glasses" - I told her I couldn't so she didn't 'get it' either!

Could you get in a stash of sparkling AF wine - Sainsburys do some - so that it's a kind of compromise? You shouldn't really have to, but I'm all for a quiet life!