I haven't been here for a few weeks. It's been a bit of a tough slog. We went through an intervention with my son and as much as the facilitator claimed not to be AA affiliated, he was. I believe my son was turned off by that, as was I. Mentions of Al-Anon, perpetual recovery and so on were slipped in and my son doesn't miss a thing. I won't say it wasn't a useful experience because we got a lot of things out in the open and I have hope that each of us can find a way "home" to our true selves. My sister was here, and since I had made a commitment not to enable him she helped my son avoid being thrown in a 3rd world prison for outstanding debts. Not sure what comes next on that front. He did seem to have an awakening about how much we all love him.
The stress of everything has taken a toll on me. I've been smoking again and drinking close to previous levels. But I haven't lost my determination. I'll be seeing a "shrink" this week for a recommendation for health leave and have a non-12 step center chosen, and as soon as I get the certificate will apply for health leave. I will also see a number of other health pros this week to follow up on my various diagnoses. I'm not terribly worried about that. I've also signed up for a yoga/meditation weekend at the end of the month to try to calm my mind, which races everywhere.
It sounds from all of this that I am a mess... I don't think I am, yet. I'm making assignments for myself. Yesterday (Sunday here) my cable and Internet were out and I got a lot of household organization accomplished. I also made a fairly major decision that I've been putting off and I am the master of indecision, so that's a good sign.
Since I got serious about this journey, I think I've taken some major steps, i.e. having my first health screen in several years, talking to family about my problems, setting up the dreaded intervention, most of all realizing that I can't help my boy unless I help myself. I'm not there yet but maybe I'm on the right road. And I hate this.
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