Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

[Ghostwriter]

Hi everyone.
Remember me? I went on the program last August when my drinking was up to a liter of vodka a day: Topamax, several supplements, and lots of B-12, and in a month I was leaving my glass of wine half full at night and had lost fifteen pounds. A couple of months later, I met someone and started drinking again because we were going out a lot. Of course, in a few months, the novelty wore off for him, and he resumed his real vice: smoking, while I just kept on drinking.
I started taking Topamax again a month ago, and it's not working. I asked for help on here and some suggested that the dose was too high (I started at a higher dose than last time), so I went back down to 25 mg a day to start. Nothing is happening. I am having very bad stomach pains and other pains in other various organs, and I am scared to death that I'm going to die and my daughters are going to be alone. I am back up to a liter of vodka a day, and today I got on my scale and, in addition to the weight I'd gained back, I gained ten more pounds. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even talk to my boyfriend about it, because his daughter is starting treatment today for anorexia and I don't want to cry, "I'm so fat" to him as well. I don't eat anything. Really. I just came back from New Orleans, and I swear the whole time I was there I ate about six raw oysters and a few egg whites. It's all alcohol.
Anyone have any tips? Advice? Any kind words? Does anyone think this weight could possibly be a lot of bloat? I can't believe I gained ten more pounds and my clothes still fit, so I'm being really delusional because I'm so horrified. I'm really in the pits and will take anything I can get. :upset:

[spacebebe01]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Hi Ghostwriter,

Its crap this whole drinking lark isnt it? I too have put on a load of weight, in fact I posted the other day about it and compared to drinking I dont think its important, but it is. Your clothes still fit so maybe its just your scales that are wrong.

You can just start again and beat this, I know its awful and exhausting but you can do it. I dont know anything about topamax so cant say about dosages but it may well be to do what you did last time when it worked, or maybe this time you will need more, I really dont know.

The thing is you have to start planning and looking at this positively, and you need to eat. Not eating doesnt help at all with weight loss, I know Ive tried it often enough, we need to get nutrients into our bodies so they can function well. You probably know everything it takes, much as I do I just cant be bothered doing it

But first things first, get the drinking sorted and the weight and how you feel about yourself will follow. G
Can you go back on the topa thread and say whats happening, someone there should be able to help you.

Your not alone xx

[So over it]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Oh luv, I really am feeling bad for you. I guess u know the litre of vodka isn't working for you.. Can you try to taper off. It sounds like you were in a really good place before. Where there other factors helping you along? Reading, hobbie, sport to distract you from drinking?
Perhaps consider taking probiotics and wheat grass for the tummy and milk thistle for the liver.
Post lots for support from us
Good luck I hope things get better

[mama bear]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

have you considered Antabuse??
Alot of people here have great success with it.
thinking of you!!

[Ghostwriter]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Thank you for all your replies and support. I did find some information that gave me a lot of hope in a weird way: the suggestion on another forum that I may have developed a higher level of liver disfunction since starting the drinking again six months ago. Apparently, unexplained weight gain can be a big sympton of this. So, I stopped crying, got myself dressed, and went to the drugstore and bought milk thistle (which I hadn't been taking, and thanks for that suggestion), as well as an amino acid preparation specifically for liver health, along with some vegetable juice and cayenne pepper (supposedly good for cleansing the liver), a bunch of Activia, and a water bottle--my new best friend! I also threw out all my diet 7-Up (my vodka mixer); apparently when you use artificial sweetners your liver forgets how to process sugars so you end up with a bunch of extra fat! Scary. I also plan to up my dosage of Topamax and write in my journal to track my progress. I'm starting over right now with all the right tools for THIS time and-up the way my body is right NOW. You asked if I could taper off the liter of vodka? Definitely! I'm scared to death to have even a sip of it after realizing that I've probably damaged my liver this badly. I also am having visions of getting so fat I explode, so that helps too LOL! Ok, feeling much better. Maybe some others who are having weight gain problems can try these remedies too? Can't hurt, and maybe it's the solution. I'll keep you all posted for sure. God bless you for helping me! xoxoxo:h

[mama bear]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Ghost
I am have been trying to stop for years. I make it a few weeks and then bomb....
th elast binge caused me horrific stomach issues and I am remembering that every time i even think of AL....you sound strong and like you are doing the right things....

[Ghostwriter]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Mama Bear

It is definitely a process and an ongoing struggle. I have no delusions that I am going to be magically cured one day. I know I will always struggle and have to keep watch, etc, but I do believe that I will once again have control of my health and that I will not allow myself to die from this, at least not at 44 or even 54 or 64. I do believe that. I am not going to give up. I am not going to drink myself to death without fighting against it every day.
Good luck. You're so beautiful and nice. Why are we all so damn beautiful and nice and great and smart and all in this crazy boat together?

[sunshinedaisies]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Hi Ghost - I was probably one of those who suggested that you start again at the 25mg of Topa - and maybe you should start again at the 25mg, seeing as you are starting everything else all over again. Follow the titration schedule exactly - I have had to start again at the 25mg so many times because I KNOW it doesn't work when you jump in at a higher dose....... I can find the schedule for you if you would like....... I feel for you SO much - my heart goes out to you for how you are feeling. BUT, you now have a plan and that to me is the most important thing. you sound as if you are ready to fight this thing and feel good about it - stay on the site and get support from everyone - we are all with you in this battle...... I love your attitude now - you are sounding amazing!!

Hugs, sun X

[mama bear]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

maybe because we are beautiful (thinak you) and smart and nice...we think we can out think the beast...but the truth is...we can't
ps...I am not sure about the "nice" part....tee hee

[K9Lover]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

LOL Mama...I hate to tell you this but you ARE nice. Once someone even called me "sweet" and I thought who the eff are they talking about? LOL

Ghostwriter,
You're in a great place here and it sounds like you've got some tools in place. I too, worry about dying from alcohol at 40...45...50, etc. It's scary when you stop and think about it. But the good news is, most (if not all) of the damage can be repaired. Let's just take it from today and move forward...I'll do it if you will! Sending you strength!

K9

[Wildflowers]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Hi Ghostwriter,

Ah hun, we all know how hard this is! I also posted to u. Please listen to Sunny she has a lot of experience with Topamax.

I'm so glad u went & picked up those supplements. They will help. Yes, many of us have gained weight. It's all empty calories. I use to drink that much too. I used beer to tirate down. Try not to worry about the weight. Concentrate on just staying sober today, or cutting down if your in jeopardy from with drawing. That part can come later.

The only things I can think of at the moment to add to your great list of supplements. Drink water with fresh lemon it helps detox. Dandelion good for the liver. Protein, rest.... be gentle with yourself..... breath...... You deserve to be healthy & free from this poison~alcohol. You can, you will be, be patient, time is your friend .....

I love your attitude that u won't give up!!! That's it girl! We can all do this together! Count me in as part of your support team. I take topamax as well, it really helps me with the physical part of my addiction.

You are smart! You are beautiful! Your already ahead of so many others hun. You have found acceptance, DON'T LET GO OF IT!!!...... Each day we don't drink that first one, the one that will get us alkies drunk, either today or very soon, is a day to celebrate, it's called success.

Yes, there will be a season of struggle, but one day it won't be so hard!..... Look to others here & elsewhere, who have solid long term sobriety, as well as your peers. Stay connected! Don't isolate!

Why are we all so damn beautiful and nice and great and smart and all in this crazy boat together?

Well if it weren't for this damn Addiction then I guess we'd be pretty darn close to perfect. LOL. Thankfully, we can sail, float, cruise in this crazy boat together. For without each other it would mostly likely sink, cause nobody would be there steering, paddling it to safety.

I will pray for you!..... :l

Luv,

Wildflowers

[Supercrew]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

I hate to sound like a "jerky guy", who doesn't understand what everyone is going through, but I was 50 lbs over weight, and was drinking 16 beers and half a bottle of vodka a day. For me I had to get real serious and focus on what I wanted. For a long time, (years) I wasn't sure if I really wanted to quit drinking in totality. Once I commited to being sober for the rest of my life, there was no need for the other drugs that all have their own issues. I started a plan of workout and walking every day, then I cut carbs and sugars out of my diet, and no matter what I DID NOT DRINK. I commited to it.

Well over an 6 month period I lost 50 lbs, and I realized how much damage alcohol did to me. I realized there was never a reason to drink only BS excuses that I made for myself. I have kept the weight off, I am healthier than I was when I was in my 20's, I haven't even had a cold in 2 years, and I am happier than I have ever been.

Quit drinking forever and I promise you it is easier to stay healthy and happy. There are no tricks or magic cures, somethings might make it easier, but eventually you have to pay the piper.

In fact I apologize for responding in this thread, because this isn't directed to just you Ghost, it is to anyone on this forum that is having problems......quit drinking the stuff that is causing you problems, you don't need it and it's killing you and ruining your life. Don't ever let drinking be an option and be happy about that it is never an option, and you will be cured of a majority of your daily problems, including weight gain, depression, anxiety, stomach issues, high blood pressure, insomnia, erectile disfunction...and the list goes on.

[Wildflowers]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

I personally applaud what you have written. I think it's great & I've seen some tough love going on around here & have wondered why it's not discussed. However, people have to come to terms with this in their own time. Hopefully before it kills them! I think GW may becoming to terms with this now.

Sometimes it takes many quits b4 one finds acceptance. Also some of us at this site have major mental health issues. People that don't, generally don't understand or are ignorant to the fact, this makes addiction even more difficult to conquer.

I enjoy reading your posts & have found them beneficial SW.

[Supercrew]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

Thanks WF, it is hard for me sometimes to come to this forum and not throw down a little tough love common sense type of stuff. I coach sports, (football and baseball), I come from a military background, and I am not the touchy feely type...although I have gotten better at being more understanding and seeing other points of views since I quit drinking and took up meditation and yoga!

But sometimes I feel I just want to scream....."IT"S EASY......QUIT DRINKING!!" But then I realize that less than 2 years ago I was stuck in that same downward spirial where I truly believed that I could never give up drinking, and would have scoffed at anyone who would have recommended it and told me it was easy...so I have to check myself. But today Coach Crew felt like saying saying, "Follow me people, and live sober and you will thank me later!

[Wildflowers]

Crying this morning. Just don't know if this is going to work again.

I understand, I'm married to someone like you, minus he has never had a drinking problem!

We need different perspectives, as it helps all of us to learn new ways of thinking. Leading to new behaviors, new actions.

Debate is healthy!..... May I add respectful debate. You seem to have found a nice balance of tough love & a little bit of softness.

Yes, don't ever forget where you came from!..... I've seen to many people think their cured. Including myself. I'm glad that you've remained humble.

I will continue to read your posts Coach Crew

Hang in their GW. You can do this!...... We all can!.... It really does start with self honesty!....