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    #1

    Got to get back on the horse

    I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and finally had a blood test after 4 years of avoiding one at all costs due to the fear of finding something out that I didn't want to hear. For the last 5 years I've been on a roller coaster of moderating to overdoing it, but at least half the time was able to moderate quite successfully.

    The blood test and physical turned out fine, other than slightly high cholesterol and elevated blood pressure which runs in the family. So what have I been doing since? "Rewarding" myself with drinking even more. Drinking earlier in the day and a couple of weekend days drank almost all day. I was Telling myself that I haven't done much damage yet so why not continue drinking even more? How stupid is that?????

    I did much better when I was afraid of a physical.

    Anyone else experience this? I haven't been a regular poster lately and would like to get to the place where I am so sick of drinking that I want to stop. Trouble is it keeps pulling me back. 3 weeks is long enough im ready for this to be day one.I think there are so many helpful people on here. I would like to become one of the helpful ones some day.
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    #2
    Got to get back on the horse

    Oh yah... I had a perfect score on my blood work last December for my physical and I think since then, my drinking has become more and more unmoderated. I tend to drink the most when I am alone and bored... Yet other days I don't care if I drink at all or have one. I just don't understand that? I have physical coming up in a couple weeks and I just wonder how bad that will look... Kudos to you for getting back on that horse!!! Good job!!

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      #3
      Got to get back on the horse

      LFP, welcome back. I get exactly what you are saying. Because my health is really good right now, I often do whatever I feel like doing using my health as an excuse. My doctor told me he's never seen anyone's good cholesterol THAT good... I gave my wine drinking habits all the credit. So warped.

      Anyways I am moderating and not drinking at all often but still want to find a place of abstinence. It's coming but not due to any sort of willpower; it's due to being here, absorbing the pain on this site, watching my mother suffer from her drinking habits, reading a lot of spiritual books and other positives. One of these days I'll get to where I want to be.

      Anyways, hope you will be good to yourself and get to your happy place. xoxo
      Tipplerette

      I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

      "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
      ? Lao-Tzu

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        #4
        Got to get back on the horse

        Thanks Tipp And queen. I can really use your support. I just retread my post and realized that it sounds like I've only been battling this 5 years... The battle (trying to moderate) has been more like 10 years and for 15 years before that I was just in denial and drinking daily. So a total of 25 years I've had this on my back. So I have reason to worry about my organs. Doing ok now getting ready for a long car trip with my son. Won't drink today.

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          #5
          Got to get back on the horse

          Hi Peace,

          I can also relate, but never had the courage to get tested. In fact, I avoided the doctor like the plague because I was afraid he'd find out my secret, and whenever I did have to go, I'd always lie on the written history part where it asked about my drinking. I honestly didn't even know what normal drinking was anymore. I just knew mine was not. The secrets and lies and living in denial really take a toll over time. In the end, I was consumed and paralyzed by fear. When I looked in the mirror, the whites of my eyes looked yellow. I had spontaneous bruising from even the slightest touch (wearing a wrist watch). I was swollen in areas I didn't know could swell and could feel the toxins pulsing through my veins. I knew I was slowly poisoning myself to death and it was either do or die.

          It's really sad that it had to get that bad in order for me to finally quit, but I also feel fortunate today that I have those bad memories because they help me to stay on course and truly appreciate where I am compared to where I was. I’m one of the ones that needed it to get that bad in order to be able to fully surrender and accept that alcohol can no longer be a part of my life, period, end of story. Subtle signs weren’t enough to deter or frighten me because they were too easy to blame on something else. Nope, I needed a few 2by4's over my head, under the gun of a ticking time clock, for the reality of my drinking to finally sink in.

          The irony for me is that when I was drinking I was petrified of sobriety and thought I would absolutely hate it, but as it turns out, I love living life sober and can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to drinking. The truth of the matter for me is that I had never given sobriety long enough for the miracle to happen. Early sobriety when you’re still feeling deprived and working through the battlefield of your mind and learning how to live again out from under the influence is not an accurate reflection of what lasting sobriety is like. It really does get GREATER later, and I can’t wait!

          Jump back on that horse and go for it! You might be pleasantly surprised too!

          Sheri
          AF since 3/16/09
          NF since 3/20/07

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