My Rock Bottom

[ATSO]

Hi everyone! I'm really new here, looking forward to being a part of the community!

The title pretty much says it all. I blacked out at a party after drinking 2 bottles of wine in as many hours and ended up having unprotected sex with a complete stranger - I didn't even catch his name. Many of my friends were there but I'm too scared to ask them for details. I get the feeling this charade carried on for a few hours, but I only have two separate flashes of memory that confirm to me what I did.

Apparently I kissed this guy in front of the whole room, the same room I'd drunkenly preached to half an hour ago about how much I love my partner. Apparently I had a massive telephone arguement with my partner and swore at him and threw insults at him; I can see the call records, but I don't even remember speaking to him that night, let alone arguing with him.

The absolute worst thing is that this is the third time I have cheated on him. Yes, I was black out drunk each time, and it was never full intercourse until that night, but this had to happen a third time for me to face up to the fact that I have a problem with alcohol. I cannot tell him as he will leave me this time, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to quit drinking. Alcohol has been a sort-of self harm mechanism/emotional crutch/party fun time drink/chillout mechanism for me since the age of 14, and I honestly don't know how to get through life without it. I'm so scared of permanent sobriety, and I feel naked knowing that I cannot drink again. I hate myself so much right now, I feel like the worst person in the world. I'm asking for help, but I don't even know what it is that I need.

[FarfallaP]

My Rock Bottom

Welcome to MWO!

If you've been using alcohol for a long time, the thought of not having it anymore CAN be really scary...most of us who visit this site have felt that way, too!

BUT, sometimes the consequences of continuing to use it can be just too hard to bear...so, many of us start out with very small steps, a minute or an hour or a day at a time... And you can do that, too!

So...read lots of the stories on this site, if you can, download the My Way Out book from this site, make a plan for how you will take care of yourself today, and check out the Tool Box thread which is listed in the Abstainers section.

Yesterday is past, but today you really can make a new beginning. keep reading and posting! FFP

[Nelz]

My Rock Bottom

Well, first off, you are not the worst person in the world, you simply have the same issue with AL that the rest of us do.

Trust me when I say, I know how you feel about giving up AL for "the rest of your life", I have had those very same feelings. But trust me, that those feelings can and will go away over time.

You have seen the negative effects of AL, now, if you can harness that feeling, and use it as motivation, it may help you in fighting off the beast.

Let go of the "I cant ever drink again" feeling. Rather, just try to be strong when the urge hits. Its called surfing the urge. Distract yourself when it hits, and eventually you will be able to rewire your brain.

Fight it off for 5 minutes.........then a few hours, then you will have one day. Take that day and turn it into consecutive days. Soon your body will start to heal, your mind will heal, and so will your soul. That I can promise you. Wont be easy........but.....it gets easier, and it is sooooooooooooooo worth it.

Then you will be posting that you cant imagine a life WITH al


Wishing you strength, knowledge and support to reach your goals

[pixie]

My Rock Bottom

Welcome ATSO!

Some great advice already. I just want to add that the supplements can really help during those first few days. Kudzu, l-glutamine, and B vitamins really help with the cravings. They will help get you through the physical withdrawal especially.

Be good to yourself. Forgiving yourself goes a long way towards keeping a positive outlook, and without that it becomes too easy to sink back into f%$#-it mode where you justify picking up the drink again. You can't change what happened, but you can change how you respond to it.

[almost free]

My Rock Bottom

Hi ATSO and Welcome!

I recently joined myself and absolutely love this site! So much support, so much encouragement. So much feedback on what is working for other alcoholics from all over the world. So many resources and strategies available.

I was fighting the desire for a drink yesterday, day 2, and ended up going to the 'You Know You Are an Alcoholic When......' (under General Discussion), and ended up spending most of the day over there reading. At some points, I found myself almost falling on the floor laughing, something I haven't done in years. This is a thread that is both hilarious and also sad, but something we can all relate to. I'm sure you will feel better after seeing that you clearly are not alone and that even people who have done far, far more than you are actually enjoying their sober lives today.

So good luck, and be kind to yourself today. Read all you can, and keep us posted on how you are doing. No one here will judge you. So glad you are here!

[Alcoholic]

My Rock Bottom

Atso:

Hello and welcome!

I knew I had to quit and was afraid to and couldn't see living without alcohol either. But like other people said, kudzu and l glut really made a difference now that instead of being afraid of running out of alcohol in the house, I'm afraid of running out of kudzu and l glutamine (gnc sells l glut and vitamin shoppe sells kudzu). This site also sells them. Before you say no, give the supplements a try and then decide for yourself. Try different threads and read different threads. It's sometimes scary because it seems like everyone already knows everyone else, but just keep posting and so you will end up spending more time on this site than drinking...good luck!!

[Raven2012]

My Rock Bottom

Sweetie, take a long hot shower, put your clothes on, say a prayer and move on from this. You are only 14. It will get better. When I was your age, I was abducted. Its just as bad. You will get through it. In a few years, you will feel confident and beautiful again but wrap yourself up tightly and hold your head high. These jerks are taking advantage of your insecurty. You need to gather your self up again. Hold your head high. I don't mean to trivialize this, you are probably already beautiful, but here goes, go to the salon, get your hair cut, style, buy new clothes, if you need to gain/lose weight do it. Nails, skin. fix it. Teeth, whiten, straighten. do it. Wardrobe, clear it out, get it perfect. Then get yourself back out there looking like a million bucks. Don't let anything stop you.

Face your abusers, face your acusers. Look them straight in the eye, looking abolutely gorgeous, and say, "Hi Sam, how was your summer vacation?" no stopping. you deserve the chance hold your own with these aholes. good luck

[daisy45]

My Rock Bottom

From what I've read, ATSO is not 14 right now. But Raven, your advice still holds....

[SKendall]

My Rock Bottom

ATSO, you are feeling very bad right now because alcohol is a depressant. The guilt and feelings of dismay are apparent.

I suggest the supplements highly and trying for 30 days. After that time your head will be clear and a life without alcohol will not only be real, it will be the one you want.

Read lots on this site!

[Rags]

My Rock Bottom

Welcome ATSO,
There's been some pretty good advice posted for you already. Nelz is right.... it does get better.

You're probably having all those dreadful feelings so many of us have gone through.... guilt, remorse, fear of what will happen if I do stop drinking.

Believe in yourself that you can stop drinking. Forgive yourself. Trust yourself.
Be patient and kind to yourself.

You will get a lot of support here.

Read through the threads on this site and pop into toolbox.

[Rags]

My Rock Bottom

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[ATSO]

My Rock Bottom

Thank you so much everyone for your advice

I'm in my 20's, but Raven's advice holds very true as my childhood was indeed rather turbulent, with some events that were downright traumatising. I started drinking heavily when I realised that I could lose a few hours of my life by not remembering any of my thoughts. I actually liked waking up with a stinking hangover as it reminded me that joy and having fun are meant to feel awful, a complex which I developed as a child. I loved how vulnerable I felt when I was completely wasted, how I depended on the people around me for safety, and I allowed people to take advantage of me because I felt I was worth nothing better. Now, although my conscious thoughts are completely disparate from my conscious thoughts of myself growing up, deep down inside nothing has changed. I keep treating myself in the same way that I used to, even though my life is better. The only way I can really sort my life out is if I stop drinking. It's not the root of all my problems, but it's what brings me back to that sad, vulnerable little girl I have always been.

I haven't had a drink today, but the sun is going down and I don't know if I can walk past the shop without grabbing a bottle of wine. I need to avoid doing this though, as I don't think my self esteem can take another self-induced beating.

Thank you for the link to the tool box Rags, it's been very helpful

[Nelz]

My Rock Bottom

Well, if you CAN indeed walk by the store without buying anything, it will get a little easier the next time

Good luck you can do it

[ATSO]

My Rock Bottom

Nelz;1406170 wrote: Well, if you CAN indeed walk by the store without buying anything, it will get a little easier the next time

Good luck you can do it

Thank you Nelz!! I'm on my way out now, and will let you guys know whether I manage to come back empty handed. I WILL do this!!!

[ATSO]

My Rock Bottom

Just thought I'd mention, I came home empty handed!! This little feeling of success is completely undermined by my guilt and self hatred, but at least I've shown myself that I might just have the capacity to change my life for the better! Have a lovely day all