Again Day one

[struggles]

I drank for the past week in excess. I was hungerover for Thanksgiving that I started the morning at 5am with beer and kicked my boyfriend out so I could go buy more. I hate this. I work up this morning dizzy and anxious and feeling lousy. I got into my car and headed to the store for more beer, even though I have to work tomorrow and knew I would most like call in sick because I couldn't stop at one or two. I turned back around and came back because I thought I was going to pass out....I was terrified of not having any beer in the house and terrified of passing out while driving or in the store. :upset:

I was so drunk last night that I don't even remembering ordering food and having it delivered, let alone, when I ate it...I found a half eaten sandwich in the garage, where most likely I went to get more beer. I feel horrible and I know I'm the one to blame. Why can't I stop this like I did in early summer? I felt wonderful, did things with my kids, cooked, shopped and actually worked without being hung over. I missed my son's concert, I missed the parent teacher conference, I may have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend and yet, I can't stop.

I would go do an AA meeting, but I terrified of driving feeling this way. I drove drunk to the store each and everyday with no shame...man I must have stunk of beer....I haven't showered in three days.

This past week, on the first night I drank, I awoke the next day not feeling that bad so I said, "See, you can still drink and be okay in the morning. I actually went to the store and bought food for Thanksgiving and didn't drink until 3pm and the next day I woke up feeling kinda yucky so I started off the morning drinking and have stayed drunk the whole time until today.

How do I turn my mind off? I am a mess and really worried that I will fail at this. I was eating well, I lost almost 46lbs, my skin cleared up and in one week I am up almost 10lbs and my body is covered in scaly patches...I look disgusting.

So, here i am back on day one...again..I feel like I'm always going to be on day one. Even now, my mind says, just go get beer and this awful feeling will go away ;(

PLEASE HELP ME.

[Catbuddy]

Again Day one

Hi Struggles,

Come over to Newbies Nest. I think of it as a triage unit; when we are at the most acute, the nest is the place - full of people who attend to the urgency of early days.

That urge to get the beer because the bad feeling will go away - that is real. AL withdrawl is painful, and the AL part of your brain wants the drug to avoid the withdrawl. Go to newbies nest, post all day if you need to - if you want to end it, that is where you will find help.

Cat

[K9Lover]

Again Day one

Hi Struggles,

I can feel your pain in your post. I know ALL too well the seemingly never-ending cycle of wanting to stop, but not actually stopping. The pain you feel when you stop is your body screaming for relief from withdrawals and there are only two options...give in and prolong the agony, or ride it out for 2-3 days and let your body start to heal.

I KNOW from experience how HARD this really is. But I also know that it is possible to stop poisoning yourself, and really start living. As Cat said, head over to the Newbies Nest. You CAN do this, and we can help.

:l:l:l
K9

[mama bear]

Again Day one

we are ALL here for Struggles, and most of us have been where you are now
I almost ruined my marriage.....that was one of the many reasons I quit

[struggles]

Again Day one

Thank you. I know the drill and I have the tools to do it, but sometimes I just screw it up. I will head over to newbies nest. I feel a little better but still dizzy and just awful. I ate a little and now my stomach feels gross and off. I wish you all could be my neighbors so I could run over to your house and hang out when I need it. This stinks.

[mama bear]

Again Day one

my door would be wide open for you!

[Andrew_CN]

Again Day one

Struggles, How are you doing now? I totally feel for you and what you are going through. I am in similar position and have had similar experiences..right now I am cutting down, cos I am going to go for my AF free day on Tuesday....Actually I am taking things in 15 minute increments right now...you may not win every batttle, but you can win the war against it. Don't give up. I feel awful myself right now, and after avoiding all day,I have finally succumbed to a drink before I go out tonight...BUT...I have had victories in managing to delay when I drink, so any victory you can gain helps you.

Please let us know how you are doing today with it!

[almost free]

Again Day one

hope it's not too late to respond-terrible bender

Oh struggles, How I feel your despair. I had a similar experience this last week. Thank God you are all here. Catbuddy, K9, Mama Bear, Andrew. Thank you all for not condeming us. Some woman at AA once told me that maybe my 'bottom' is death. Im beginning to believe her. It took me 5 years to get 2 years of sobriety. Just failure after failure after failure. And each withdrawal becomes more hellish. Only the 'hair of the dog' seems to help, and then it's the same horrific cycle again and again.

I plan to go over the newbies nest, too. It's so depressing when so many people who started here when i did, have successfully accumulated so may AF days, while people like me just keep failing, over and over. God, what is it going to take?! Why can't I get it?

Everything seems so hopeless. Family problems, Not being at home for Christmas. Everything deteriorating, like a high speed train, heading for a crash, and feeling powerless to get off. Any prayers would be appreciated. Thanks for listening everyone.